A Lonely Dog on Christmas

by Patrick Yearly

at dinner might result in a wider conflict needing UN intervention.

  At least there's enough room in this house for everyone to fit in. It's a split level that's about ten years old and has a red brick front with bright yellow siding and rests at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac. The big back yard has a wood fence and three tall oak trees along with a nice sized magnolia bush that blooms pretty white flowers in the early summer. Inside, there are four bedrooms with the same number of bathrooms so nobody needs to get on anyone else's nerves. You could play basketball in the living room, the ceiling is so high. The dining room has a massive china closet, if that thing ever fell over it might set off a minor earthquake. Believe it or not, Ryan built a study out of a small room on the lower level. We're never quite sure what he does in there. He's a district supervisor for a fast food chain of restaurants so we can’t identify where the 'study' part applies. My guess is that he goes in there to pass gas or pick his nose. I know it's gross, but the truth can make us stronger and one day set us free.

  "Kaley, why don't you come in here and help. I could use another set of hands." Finally, Karla is willing to admit she can't do it all by herself.

  "Alright Mom. What do you want me to do?" Kaley has been playing with Tiffany and managed to keep the decibel level below the sound of a 747 taking off.

  "You can start out by peeling the potatoes." They're both standing near the kitchen sink and out of earshot from the living room.

  "Ugh! You know my talent stops at just pouring things. I'm not good at manual labor. And what do you mean by 'start out'. I can't be in the same standing position more than two minutes or I get dizzy and see flashes with stars bouncing around. Like in the cartoons."

  "How many people are in this house right now young lady?"

  "I don't know, it's Christmas. Don't make me use my brain."

  "There's fourteen of us and one person is doing all of the cooking. Don't you think I'm entitled to some help?"

  "Yeah, I guess. What about Grandma and Aunt Karen? Shouldn't all the womenfolk be in here? We could all go milk the cow together after dinner and then knit socks in the barn for the rest of the kin."

  "Very funny. That reminds me, before you begin with the potatoes I need you to take the frozen vegetables out of the freezer and put them on the counter."

  "Mom! How many vegetables are there? This freezer is jammed with stuff."

  "Eight. There are also six desserts I'll need you to get ready later on."

  "Have you lost your mind! Why so many?"

  "I sent out questionnaires this year and for once everyone responded in a timely fashion."

  "Hey Karla, how about another round of beers in here? We're getting thirsty. And another plate of cookies too." Will is bellowing from the living room. His butt has been welded to that chair for hours. I don't think he realizes that Karla is right next to the knife block. If he keeps this obnoxious behavior up she might be serving his head on a plate along with the turkey.

  I have to say, even with a house full of deadbeats, except for Karla, there really is a nice cozy, quaint and festive atmosphere in the house this afternoon. It's sunny outside and kind of chilly. It can snow here in Virginia right before or after Christmas Day, but very rarely on the 25th. We've got a tree with twinkling colorful lights while a glowing fireplace warms the room and laughter fills the air. As for the adorable English bulldog, I'm still steamed that I'm merely an afterthought, if even that. Give it a few hours and I'll give them a Christmas to remember.

  Christmas Dinner

  "Okay, we're about ten minutes away before we sit down to eat. Now is the time if you need to wash up. You should probably let Will go first since he'll need to hose down."

  Will can't even hear Karla making the announcement from the dining room. He's out cold in the recliner and snoring so loud that he could be mistaken for a ship's fog horn. Karen's kids and Matt have been giggling nonstop.

  "Mom, do you want me to start bringing out the vegetables? It's getting pretty crowded on the counter with all of the food jammed in there." After two hours of helping Karla, Kaley is busy in the kitchen and surprisingly still conscious and functioning.

  "Yes dear, just make sure you wrap the dishes in tin foil so they don't cool down too quickly. We're going to need to get clever to make sure that everything fits on the table and there's still room to maneuver."

  All afternoon, the adults have been packed in like sardines on the two living room couches. At this point, I think that Karla's parents may be glued shut to each other. I know for a fact that Will's girlfriend, Casey, has lost hearing in both ears after sitting next to Tiffany, the third loudest baby on the East Coast. Every time someone says something to Casey she just nods and smiles. You could ask her right now if it's been two weeks since she took a bath and you'll get that same goofy look.

  "Oh no! Oh my god, I'm so sorry Mom." The first vegetable dish Kaley brought out to the table has gone crashing onto the dining room carpet.

  "Whoa! Which one is it?" Derek jumps up from lying flat on the living room floor. He's been in a semi-comatose state for hours, ear plugs in, listening to music on his smartphone. This is the most excited I've seen him since he found out that reruns of The Flintstones are being aired every day on cable. "Could it be? Yes, it is! Broccoli kicks the bucket. A Christmas miracle. God bless us, every one." He's on his knees with his hands folded in prayer, looking up at the ceiling.

  "Alright wise guy, help your sister out and clean it up." Ryan is not as amused.

  It gets dark early this time of year. By five o'clock it's pitch black and the lights are on outside while the curtains inside the house are drawn shut. When I was much younger last year, I would try playing out in the backyard after the sun went down and I kept running head first into the wooden fence. If I remember right, it probably took about ten collisions before I figured out what was going on. Sometimes, repetition is not a good thing. Maybe Derek and I really do share some of the same genes.

  Eight adults and a baby are crammed around the cherry wood dining table. The family ping pong table has been converted into a separate eating area for the five youngest. At least they had enough sense to take down the net before they put on the tablecloth. With plenty of food and drink by candlelight, I do have to admit this is a rather comfy atmosphere. I, on the other hand, still have not been included in the merriment one bit. Kaley threw some slop into my dog dish a few minutes ago and just said 'here Beckham' and kicked it to the corner of the kitchen. I can now say with confidence that I've been completely ignored yet again on Christmas. Operation 'Let It Rip' is now a go.

  After a lot of pushing and shoving and hands flying in each other's faces, it looks like everyone is finally settled in. Ryan is holding a spoon playfully between his fingers and clinking his water glass for a moment of quiet, however hard that may be to accomplish. “Karla and I and the kids are very happy that you could all be here today to help us celebrate another Christmas. Let's all raise our glasses in appreciation and thanks for the good year of health and happiness we've had. And let's hope we're blessed with more of the same for the year ahead. Cheers!" In his eagerness, and drunken state, Will smashes his glass too hard up against Casey's and chips a big chunk off the top. Water splashes over the tablecloth and into the cranberry sauce. A touching start to the meal.

  "Dad, why don't you lead us with a prayer and then we can all dig in." Karla looks like she's in desperate need of a spa weekend. I think she's aged three years since this morning.

  Dan looks more somber than he has since he got here, he must take this stuff seriously. "Dear Lord, bless us on this joyous holiday. A day for greed, sitting on our asses and watching the NBA on TV because there's nothing else on. And by the way, the quality of play in the NFL this season has gone down a notch. How about tweaking that before the playoffs kick in?"

  "OK, all right. That's enough! Thank you very much Dad. For both tables, let's pass the food from left to right. Hope it tastes good!"

  "Everything looks delic
ious dear. How many years is it now that we've all been coming over for Christmas?" Karla's mom Emily is always so bright and cheerful. "Ryan, you've got a better memory than I do. How long has it been?" Karla is shaking her head as if she can't remember or probably doesn't want to remember.

  "Well, let's see. Matty is six and you weren't even pregnant with him the first year we all got together. That's right, Derek wasn't in high school yet either so it's got to be at least seven years. Will, when can we expect you to roll out the red carpet and host Christmas for a change?"

  "If everybody's okay with sitting on the kitchen floor and eating frozen dinners and doughnuts we can move this bad boy over to my place pronto next year. How about it 'sis'?

  "Charming, simply charming. I know the crystal ware you use to drink chocolate milk is priceless so we'll make sure we're on our best behavior."

  I guess this is it, I really am going to be frozen out. Year after year on Christmas and nothing. I'm a hole in the wall, a needle in a haystack or whatever other cliché you want to come up with. I have to put a stop to this and do it right now. Nations have been torn asunder and kings have been toppled for less. Well, that might be a bit melodramatic, but you know where I'm headed with this. Let's see who wants to pay attention now after I ruin their dinner. Several well placed