Ten Thousand Charms

by Allison Pittman

  “MacGregan, wake up now. Time to go.”

  He was instantly alert, eyes open midsnore.

  “How long did I sleep?”

  “Long enough.”

  John William laughed. “Can’t argue with that. Are the babies still awake?”

  Gloria sighed and rolled her eyes. “Yes, but—”

  “Good. Gather ’em up.”

  “MacGregan, it’s late. I really think we should—”

  “I’m going to step over that rise for just a minute, then I’ll be right back. Get everythin’ ready. The Bible’s up under the seat.”

  Muttering under her breath, Gloria went to the wagon seat and pulled out the thick leather-bound book. Then she gathered the babies, sat down, and settled them into her lap. When John William returned, he took Danny into his arms, sat down, and settled the little boy into a semireclined position supported by his leg.

  Gloria handed him the Bible.

  “Where were we?”

  “How should I know?” Gloria said. “That’s your book, not mine.”

  She could tell he was smiling even though he didn’t look up. The tiny wrinkles at the corners of his eyes were a dead giveaway.

  “It is your book, too,” he said. “You should read it.”

  “I don’t read any better than these little ones do,” Gloria said. “And I don’t understand it any better, either.”

  “My family will know God’s word.” John William looked Gloria straight in the eyes, his smile gone. “Now, I think we were in chapter thirty-three.”

  “We just read when the two brothers met each other again, when they’re old.”

  “Ah, yes. Jacob and Esau reunited. Then we’re in chapter thirty-four,” he said, and he began reading. “ ‘And Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob—’ ”

  “I thought Jacob just had sons.”

  “Well, I guess he had a daughter, too.”

  “Why wasn’t she mentioned when she was born?”

  “I’m not sure—”

  “I mean, we heard all about how she bore a son and named him this and she bore a son and named him that,’ ” Gloria grew more irritated, “why didn’t we hear about the daughter?”

  “I guess she wasn’t important to the story until now,” John William said.

  “Why is she so important now?”

  “Well,” John William’s voice was full of patience, “why don’t you let me read and we’ll find out?”

  John William continued reading the chapter, but was soon interrupted again.

  “What does it mean to have your ‘soul clave’?” Gloria asked.

  “It means Shechem loved her. The verse goes on, ‘he loved the damsel and spake kindly unto the damsel.’ ”

  “So when it says he ‘defiled’ her—”

  “It means he … took her virginity.” John William was clearly uncomfortable.

  “But he loved her?”

  “Yes.”

  “So why use such an ugly word? Defiled.”

  “When a woman loses—lost her virginity in this culture … before she got married, she was … unclean. Undesirable.”

  “And these are God’s people?”

  John William wouldn’t meet her gaze.

  “Tell me,” Gloria continued, “does God see me as unclean? Undesirable? Defiled?”

  “I don’t know how He sees you,” John William said. “I’m not God.”

  “Is that how you see me?”

  Now, finally, his gaze met hers. “No.”

  Gloria wasn’t sure she completely believed him, but she rewarded him with a smile steeped in gratitude.

  “Now,” he said, “may I please finish? At this rate we’ll be readin’ till dark.”

  Gloria nodded her consent and listened to the rest of the chapter in silence. It had been their habit, a chapter or more each day, beginning in what he called the first book. This in itself had confused her: after all, it was just one book, wasn’t it? But she soon caught on, and though she’d never tell him so, she somewhat enjoyed the stories John William read each afternoon.

  Today’s was especially exciting. Dinah and her lover, the wrath of her brothers, the slaughter of Shechem’s family. She had one pressing question, but was reluctant to interrupt the reading again. She filed it away until they resumed their journey.

  When John William finished the chapter, he closed the Bible and bowed his head to pray. Sometimes Gloria closed her eyes, too, but not today. Today she looked at John William as he prayed the familiar words—thanking God for the Bible, asking for a safe journey, asking for health and strength—and she wondered if he had felt the same passion for his wife that Shechem felt for Dinah. She wondered if any man would ever put himself in danger because of a love for her. She wondered if she would have known her father if she’d been a son instead of a daughter. She wondered if she was undesirable. Defiled.

  John William’s deep, reading voice always put the children to sleep. Now, as a continuation of the routine, Gloria tucked them into their little crates in the back of the wagon while John William hitched up the team. He helped Gloria up into the seat and settled himself next to her.

  “I’m still a little beat,” he said. “Think I’ll ride a while.”

  He slapped the reins softly against the horses’ flanks and made a clicking noise with his tongue. The horses began their plodding stride.

  “Dinah was lucky,” Gloria said after they’d been riding in silence for a while.

  “How do you figure?”

  “I was … defiled … when I was thirteen years old.” Some part of her had been dwelling on the memory since John William first read the word, but the voicing of it seemed to be out of her control. “It wasn’t anybody who loved me. We were in California. My mother was extremely ill. We were kicked out of the house where she … worked. We found a room in a building on the edge of town. Cheap, but not cheap enough.”

  While she spoke, John William stared straight ahead. For a second she thought about just how much time he spent not looking at her. Then she continued.

  “We had nothing. Just a few dollars and the clothes on our backs. The owner of the building took one look at us and knew what we had. What we were.”

  The horses were taking them through a green, lush valley. The sky was clear, the air was sweet. But as Gloria spoke, she was in the small, stuffy room at the mercy of Stan Corsetti.

  “We didn’t have enough money for rent,” she said. “But my mother would not be turned away again. I remember she grabbed Mr. Corsetti’s arm and said, ‘Look at her. She’s beautiful, isn’t she? Wouldn’t you like to be her first?’ ”

  “Dear God,” John William whispered, still not looking at her.

  “So, right there, with my mother in the room, Mr. Corsetti defiled me. I don’t remember much, only that he stank, and I was worried that I would smell like him.” Gloria gave a short laugh. “Unclean. After that, he visited regularly to collect the rent, and he sent up a few of his friends so we could … live.”

  “I’m sorry, Gloria,” John William said, still not looking at her, but looking down. “I’m so sorry.”

  “So when I think about how I have never been loved even once,” Gloria said, “I can’t help but think that Dinah was so lucky.”

  John William cleared his throat. “I s’pose,” he said.

  “Did you love your wife?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Done anything for her?”

  “Of course. I took up minin’ because she wanted me to.”

  “Did she love you?”

  “I hope she did,” he said. “I tried to give her everything. Do everything.”

  “I hope she did, too,” Gloria said, never envying a woman more than she did the late Katherine MacGregan. Not because John William had loved her, but because somebody had.

  “Any other questions?” John William asked. “Or can we give the horses a break from all this chatter?”

  “Just one,” Gloria said. “Wh
at’s ‘circumcised’?”

  John William turned to look at her, his face puzzled. “I beg your pardon?”

  “Circumcised. That’s what caused all the problems in the story today. What is it?”

  “It’s … well …” John William stammered through a definition, breaking eye contact once again and, as far as Gloria could tell, blushing. When he finished, he gave a short laugh, looked at her, smiled, and looked away.

  “What’s so funny?” Gloria asked, a little embarrassed herself, but amused at his obvious discomfort.

  “It’s just …” he began.

  “What?”

  “I figured, if anyone should know …” His voice trailed off as he shrugged a gesture in her direction.

  “I never looked,” she said. “It was easier that way.”

  They retreated into silence again, an oddly comfortable silence that gave Gloria a sense of the beginning of healing. The feeling intensified when John William reached over and covered her hand with his own.

  “That’s all behind you now, you know,” he said, giving her hand a small squeeze.

  “It’s never really behind you,” Gloria said, drawing her hand away.

  “It can be, with God.”

  “I know what God thinks of me. I know what I am. I just never had a word for it until today.”

  12

  They had never traveled this late before. Normally by this time, John William had scouted ahead for a suitable camp space. But this evening, though their shadows stretched up the rolling hills that bordered their path, John William said nothing about setting up camp for the night. He walked just ahead of the wagon, one hand resting lightly on the neck of one of the horses.

  “When are we stopping?” Gloria asked. She leaned forward on her bouncing seat and repeated the question when he didn’t immediately respond, but he seemed lost in thought. In fact, for the past week, besides the obligatory bits of conversation and the daily Bible reading, there had been nothing but silence between them. He had even been more subdued with the children, opting to hold them close rather than spin them, squealing with delight, high above his head.

  Now, the team plodded forward, and John William’s eyes remained focused just ahead of his boots.

  “MacGregan, answer me! Do you plan to walk all night?”

  “Do you see that?” he said, pointing to a small pointed rooftop at the edge of the horizon. “That’s Fort Hall. We should get there before full dark.”

  Gloria pushed her bonnet off her head and stood, straining to make out the details of their destination.

  “Sit down,” John William said, still not turning around, “else you’ll fall.”

  She wondered how he’d known she was standing, then noticed her elongated shadow. She stretched out her hand to give a little wave before complying with his request.

  “That seems pretty far,” she said.

  He said nothing.

  “I can’t imagine we’ll make it before dark.”

  “We’ll be fine.”

  “But what about—”

  “I said we’ll be fine.” John William turned to look back at her, and his expression left no room for rebuttal.

  Fort Hall was not the bastion of civilization that John William was expecting it to be. He had been told of an impressive structure, a bustling environment of fur trade frequented by trappers, manned by soldiers. This should have been a place to get supplies for the final push into Oregon. What he saw instead in the final moments of daylight was an adobe wall still standing to mark the perimeter of the fort, but in disrepair.

  On the surrounding land, a dozen wagons stood in makeshift campsites, their contents spilled out around them. Clothing hung on lines strung from the top of their bowed frames to the intermittent boards bracing the walls of the fort. Children scampered about, climbing on the beds of abandoned freight wagons and daring each other to stand on the marked gravesites when the full moon was up.

  He searched in the waning light for someone who might have some authority, but the closest he found was a boy of about thirteen who paused in his taunting of a terrified little sister long enough to point toward the heavy wooden gate in the middle of the wall.

  “You can leave your rig out here,” the boy said. “An’ for a nickel I’ll unhitch your team and take ’em to water.”

  He smiled at the boy and fished into the little money pouch he kept stored under the wagon seat. Seeing how closely the boy eyed his actions, he made a great show of returning the pouch to his pocket before helping Gloria down. They each carried a child in a sling carrier and made their way to the gate.

  John William was surprised to be greeted by a sentry in uniform, even though both the soldier and the uniform bore the same evidence of disrepair.

  “Your business here?” the soldier said, seemingly unaware of the trickle of tobacco juice drizzling through his beard.

  “Hopin’ to get some supplies,” John William said. “Make camp for a few days.”

  “No tradin’ till the morning. Inside’s full up, but you can make camp out there with the other’n.”

  John William nodded and turned to go back to the wagon.

  “You and the woman might want to step inside for a spell, though. Huntin’ party come back today and there’s a feast happenin’ in the old mess hall.”

  “I don’t think—” he started, before Gloria’s hand clutched his sleeve and yanked him toward the gate.

  “Looks like somebody wants some supper,” the soldier said, pushing the gate wide open.

  When John William and Gloria walked into the old mess hall, Gloria had a sense of familiarity she had not felt since leaving Virginia City. The room was large and dark. Rough-hewn tables and benches lined the walls; square tables and chairs dotted the center of the floor. A dim cloud of cigar smoke padded the air, and the stench of whiskey—poured, spilled, and belched—was just as thick. The clink and clatter of glasses and bottles punctuated the constant rumble of male voices. Occasional raucous laughter bounced off the corners, and Gloria craned her neck in an effort to hear the joke.

  John William merely scowled.

  “Let’s go,” he said, taking her elbow and speaking close to her ear. “I don’t like this place.”

  “What’s not to like?” Gloria shrugged herself from his grip.

  “It’s no place for the children,” John William said, raising his voice.

  “They don’t even know where they are.”

  “I know where they are, and they’re not stayin’.” He grabbed Gloria’s arm. “Let’s go.”

  Gloria spun on her heel and looked him straight in the eye. “I’m hungry. I’m tired. And I’m not too good to be in here.”

  “That’s not what I—”

  “So take Kate and go, but Danny and I are going to sit here for a while.”

  John William laughed.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You’re holding Kate.”

  “So take her.” She stood with her hands on her hips, the full weight of the baby falling on the back of her neck.

  “I will.” He stepped close and scooped his daughter out of the sling. As she did with every contact with her father, Kate gave a little squealing kick of delight as she was lifted to his strong shoulder.

  “Give me Danny,” Gloria said, holding out her arms.

  “No. He’s leavin’ with me.”

  The heated exchange had not escaped the attention of the crowd, and soon they were standing in the center of halted conversation. John William shot one more glare, and she countered with her own. Without another word, he left.

  Gloria casually reached around the back of her neck, untied the sling’s knot, and lifted the cloth to rest, shawl-like, across her shoulders. She spied an unoccupied table in the corner and made her way to it.

  Once seated, she allowed herself only furtive glances around the room. She saw a few tables hosting exhausted men and women with equally bedraggled children, but mostly there were men. Like the sentry at
the gate, they wore some vestige of a military uniform seemingly more out of habit than duty. There were also several wild-looking men dressed in buckskin and fur. What she didn’t see, though, was any proof of the glorious feast promised by both the gatekeeper and the lingering aroma of roasted meat. It must have been finished off by the crowd, and the only reason she had for staying was to prove to John William that this is where she belonged.

  “You up for some supper?”

  Gloria looked over her shoulder and saw a tall, thin man wearing an apron splattered with equal parts grease and blood.

  “Is there any left?”

  “Not sure, but what there is will cost you seventy-five cents.”

  “I don’t have any money.”

  “Well, don’t you worry about what you don’t have,” he said, punctuated by a salacious wink. On his way out of the room, he stopped and spoke with several of the men, gesturing vaguely toward her. As he left each encounter, the man he’d been speaking to turned to give Gloria a full, curious stare.

  Let them stare, Gloria thought. I’ve been stared at before.

  Slowly, imperceptibly, Gloria uncurled from her huddled, protective posture and sat higher, straighter. Her hands still clutched the corners of her shawl, but now they stretched behind her, draping the shawl over the back of the chair. She brought one hand to rest lightly on the table. Her other hand found a stray family of curls, estranged from the loose gathering at the nape of her neck, and worked slowly, methodically, twisting the hair around and off, around and off her finger.

  She kept her gaze fixed somewhere above the crowd. Not on the ceiling, exactly, but far above any other set of eyes. That’s why she didn’t see him coming before he was actually standing there, both palms planted on her table.

  “Well, Glory-be, it’s Glory-A.” This followed by stinking, wheezy laughter.

  No. No. No. No.

  “By gum, it’s you! What in h—”

  “Do I know you?”

  “I don’t know if you know me, but I sure know you.” He’d grabbed Gloria’s hand, stopping it midtwirl. He was filthy. Small. A full beard obscured his face. A stained hat sat low over his eyes. He smelled of beer and sweat and stable.

  “Virginia City.” His voice had taken on a dreamlike quality. “Best five dollars I ever spent.”