by M Elle Kelso
When she saw the black van drive slowly by then back up into the handicap parking stall, she began to shake. She didn’t know how she was going to manage to keep her seat and not get up and throw herself into David’s arms. It was that simple. If he asked, she’d go with him. Anywhere. But he had to be made to realize that it would be her decision and that he had to say the right things to her first. All she really wanted was the reassurance he really did love her.
As she watched him push his chair across the room she marveled at the strength she saw in him. Not just the physical strength but the strength of purpose in his face. He was here on a mission and he meant to succeed.
David rolled his chair to a stop at the side of the table where the regular chair had already been removed. As he pulled it in closer then locked the wheels, he found he couldn’t meet her eyes. He felt such guilt over what he’d done that looking her in the eyes was going to be a major hurdle. When he finally looked at her, he surprised a look of humor on her face.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“You. Your clothes, actually.”
“What’s so funny about my clothes?” He was beginning to become annoyed and he didn’t want to go there. He wanted nothing to happen that would hurt his chances. “They’re the same things I always wear.”
“That’s just it, David. They are the same black clothes you always wear. I just thought after living around hospital greens for so long that you might have gone for something with a little more color, more flash.” She ducked her head, sorry that she had tried to put some humor into the situation to help break the ice. “I’m sorry.” She spoke so softly he barely heard her.
“Never mind. Let’s start over, C.J., all right? How are you, how have you been?”
And wasn’t that just the most scintillating conversation starter.
He really didn’t know how to talk to her, his own wife, because he didn’t want to start by saying the wrong thing.
“I’ve done okay. I’m sure Blake and Mac have told you everything there is to know about what I’ve done for the last few months. Let’s not waste any more time, let’s just talk about the reason we’re here.” Before David could answer a waiter brought them menus and asked if they wanted drinks.
“Just coffee, please.” They both spoke at once, anxious to be rid of the waiter.
“C.J., can I just tell you what happened to me that day?” Might as well jump in with both feet and get it over with.
“Go ahead. I’m listening.”
He waited until the waiter set their coffee down in front of them and left before starting.
“Before I remembered who you were, I couldn’t figure out why you were waiting around my hospital room. You were C.J. McCormack. You ran the paper. I reckoned it must have been some crash that put me there if you were going to sit around for that many days waiting for a story. Then I started having these weird thoughts about you. How your hair felt in my hands. How it felt on my naked chest. Stuff like that. I figured I was really losing it then. Fantasizing about someone else’s wife. Then, when I remembered who you were, I was damned near delirious with happiness. But I was beginning to figure out that something wasn’t quite right.” David blushed and tried to figure out how to put this so he wouldn’t embarrass them both. Then he remembered that this was his wife; there was nothing he could tell her that she didn’t already know.
“The problem was that I knew you were turning me on but nothing was happening, if you know what I mean. Matt Hawkins promised me I’d get it back, my sexuality, but he wouldn’t say when. But nobody told me the real reason. I just thought it was the surgery that was keeping me from feeling anything there and from moving my legs.” He stopped speaking, remembering the night he’d heard the nurses talking in the hall.
“When I overheard those two nurses, I didn’t believe what I heard them saying. I had taken my sleeping pill and it was starting to take affect and I didn’t know if the reason I couldn’t move my legs or my toes was because I really was paralyzed or if it was the pill. I finally fell asleep from the pill and it wasn’t until I woke up and remembered what I’d heard that I had a chance to see if what they’d said was true. And when I found out I really couldn’t move, I lost it.”
C.J. reached across to cover his hand where it rested on the table top.
“You didn’t have a chance, David. You should have been told properly, but those two women just got to you a day too soon. Matt Hawkins had decided to tell you but he was waiting for the other evaluations that weren’t due until the next day.”
“That’s no excuse for how I treated you, C.J.” He paused, looking deeply into her eyes, searching for something.
“Look, C.J., I’ve just gotta ask. Do I have a chance with you? Can I ever prove to you how much I still love you, or did I really do a good job of destroying your feelings for me?”
“Oh, David, no…I…” she stopped, afraid to go on.
“You what, C.J. Hate me? Can’t stand the sight of me? I wouldn’t blame you for that.” David signaled to the waiter and when he got there he had him take away the chair from beside his wife. He wheeled his chair around to her side and once he had parked himself, he reached out and took her hands.
“C.J., sweetheart, please tell me I didn’t ruin everything.”
“I don’t know, David. How long will it be before you get angry with me again and tell me to get out?”
“It won’t happen again, love. Never again. That was pain and anger and a few other not-so-nice parts of me that did that. But it was mostly fear. Crippling fear, C.J. and I don’t say that to try and be funny. Once I realized that what that nurse had said was true I was terrified. But not as terrified as I was when I realized that no one knew where you were. And after not knowing where you’d gone or what had happened to you, I can guarantee it won’t happen again.” He had been tightening his grip on her hand as he spoke and when she tried to pull away, he let her go, his face registering his hurt.
“It’s alright David, you can hold my hand if you want, but you were crushing my fingers.” She left her hand on the table top where he promptly reclaimed it.
“C.J. I couldn’t live with myself if I lost you. I love you, sweetheart. I always did and I never stopped.” He looked at her again, hoping she could read the love in his eyes that he felt for her.
“After you left the hospital that day and I realized what I’d done and said to you, I didn’t even want to go on living. If I’d died then I think I’d have believed I deserved it. I didn’t deserve to live. But I need you C.J.. I need to love you. To have you there by my side forever. To have you waiting for me at the end of every day. I need you C.J…” When she tried to interrupt him, he stopped her. “No, listen to me. I need you to make me whole. I need your love, your compassion. I need you.”
C.J.’s head was bowed and the tears were slowly falling to the tablecloth.
“David, I do love you…” His relief was obvious but her next word wiped that look off his face. “but...”
“Don’t say it, C.J., please don’t. I couldn’t stand it if I lost you again.” He raised her hand to his mouth and gently kissed her fingers.
“I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say that I love you, but I won’t always be there for you like I was after the accident. I can’t be. I gave you so much I forgot to look after me. I gave myself up to being whatever anybody needed while you were so sick, but nobody ever asked me what I needed. You didn’t. You told me to get out and stay out. None of the others asked at first, it was just everybody doing what you needed done. And I’d do the same thing again if I had to. But when you started to improve, when you were getting better and didn’t need everybody all the time…the others went home and there I was, still there for you. Then you told me to go.”
It took her a moment to compose herself before she could continue.
“I went. I went back to your empty house. It wasn’t mine without you there, none of it was mine. And when I’d hear that you’d cal
led Blake or Jared or any of the others, I’d wait. Hoping you’d call me. But you didn’t. You never returned my calls and you never tried to contact me. What was I supposed to think? You’d told me to get out and never come back, so after a while I believed you meant it.”
“Oh, God, C.J., I am so sorry. I don’t deserve you, but I’m asking you. Please, please come back to me. To our home, our life.” He was gripping her hand as tightly as before but this time she accepted the pain. Before she answered him, she looked into his eyes, wanting to make sure she saw his response to what she was about to say.
“Tell me why I should believe you now, David. I believed you meant it when you told me to get out. Now you want me to believe you want me again.”
David slumped in his chair, trying to find the words to tell her.
“I was afraid, darlin’. Afraid I’d never walk again, never ride again, never fly again. But most of all I was afraid I’d never love again. That I’d lose you because I was ‘damaged goods’.” his fingers traced quotation marks in the air. “What kind of husband would I be? I’ve had all the problems explained to me so many times but nobody told me about the good times I’m supposed to have. No one has told me I can ever make love to you like we did before…did before…the accident.” He forced himself to say the word.
“David, I know all that. Matt Hawkins told me about every little problem you might encounter right down to and including the bladder infections, the probability that you wouldn’t be able to father children. You name it—he told me about it. It didn’t make any difference to me. I still loved you. But you made a difference. You broke my heart and you broke our wedding vows. Remember what we promised each other, David? To be there when the going got tough. But when the going got tough you turned on me. And I’m not sure I’m willing to be hurt like that, ever again.”
They sat in silence for a long minute, each trying to understand what the other had said. David finally broke the silence.
“C.J., sweetheart, I don’t know what else I can say, love, except that I do love you. You and only you. Forever. Please believe that.” He released the brake on his chair and rolled back from the table. “They’re letting me go home on Monday as long as I have a nurse around for at least a month. Nina Roman is coming out to the ranch; Matt made the arrangements. Will you come with me? Or do you want some time to think about all this?”
She looked into his face, loving every feature she saw. He saw the love and so was not prepared for her answer.
“I want some time, David. I’m not ready to just leap back in. Not yet. Maybe never. I do need some time.”
He took her hand in his then looked deep into her eyes as though seeking an answer. He finally gave her a gentle kiss in the palm of her hand then curled her fingers in over it.
“That’s for you, my love. Keep it. Remember, I love you. When I go home on Monday I’d like you with me. Please? We’ll be leaving by eleven.
C.J. looked down at the table again, unable to stand the pain she could see in his eyes.
David sat for a few seconds longer looking at the woman he loved then he turned his chair and began wheeling his way to the door.
He didn’t look back.
C.J. watched him leave, tears streaming down her cheek.
* * *
David sat in his chair by the elevator watching the clock. Eleven had come and gone, so had twelve. It was now fifteen minutes past one and there was still no sign of C.J. Mac Blade was waiting for him, staying out of his way but always somewhere close.
When it became obvious she wasn’t coming, David moved his chair in front of the elevator doors and punched the down button .
“Come on, Mac, let’s get out of here.” His voice was totally devoid of emotion as though he’d shut himself off.
It was a long, quiet four hours back to the ranch. David didn’t speak and Mac didn’t try to jolly him into talking. Mac accepted that the man was hurting and kept his words to himself.
For some of the trip David slept. He was riding in the front seat, having refused to stay in the back of the van in his chair. With his seat reclined and the seat belt holding him in place, he fell into an uneasy slumber. He mumbled in his sleep, several times calling a name that could have been C.J..
Mac couldn’t believe she hadn’t shown up. He had been so sure that she would return to the ranch that this obvious change of heart on her part threw him. He’d always been good at reading people, but he’d botched this one in a big way.
David had asked there be no big welcoming committee the first day back so when they pulled into the yard there was no sign of anyone around the house. David and Mac got his chair unloaded and set up on the sidewalk that ran all the way from the house to the barn. Once his bag was taken into the house and the doors had been opened and the keys sorted out, he told Mac to go back to the office. Nina Roman was at Blake’s ranch waiting to hear that they’d arrived. David made sure Mac understood that she was not to come until he phoned that he was ready for her.
He wanted to be alone. He was going to take a tour of his ranch and see just exactly what it was that C.J. had done for him. And while he tried to deal with the feelings he could sense creeping up on him, he wanted to be by himself. He didn’t want anyone else to see him come apart. Because that was what he was afraid he’d do.
He sat on the back porch and watched Mac leave in his SUV. He looked at the black truck that sat in his usual parking place, with a special sidewalk built out beside it so that he could take his chair right up to the door. He had noticed the same little docking space beside the van when Mac had parked. Now he realized they had been built specially to allow him access to both vehicles. He wheeled himself back into the house and began the slow tour, taking in every little detail of the changes she’d made inside to make it easier for him. He tried out the lift to the second floor and went to their bedroom. He stopped in the doorway, afraid to enter. When he realized that there was no trace of her left in the room, he rolled himself over to the big closet they had shared and opened the door. It was empty.
There was nothing of hers left except one old, beat up suitcase on the floor in the corner. He was surprised she’d left that.
With an effort, he dragged his old black boots out of the closet and pulled them on. They had always been comfortable boots, but now he couldn’t feel them to know the difference. He made his way back downstairs in time to hear the phone ring. He sped his chair across the kitchen in case it was C.J. He didn’t want to miss her call if she rang through to the ranch. But it was Jared’s voice that he heard when he picked up.
“David, it’s me. We just got some news and I thought you’d like to know. About the rustlers.”
“What, Jared?” The total lack of feeling in those two words told Jared how bad the situation was. He wondered how long it would be before David talked to any of them with any kind of emotion.
“John Williams admitted that he and Gus Lowden were the two who spearheaded the whole thing. John can’t seem to talk fast enough. But there seemed to be some talk from some of the others that were arrested that made the Sheriff think there was someone else involved who might have been the big shot behind all this. David, I know you liked him, but they’ve just now phoned to tell us that the brains behind the whole thing was Mike Williams, John’s son. All that time he was working with us, he was reporting back to the other two exactly what we were up to. And his helicopter didn’t have a problem that morning. They were setting a trap for you. If they managed to make you crash, they figured you’d die. You and C.J. were getting too close, I guess, to the truth. They had to stop you.” Jared stopped talking and waited for David to make a comment. The buzz of an open phone line told him David was still there, but he didn’t speak.
“David, the Sheriff wants to know if you saw anyone. Could you identify the shooter that brought you down?”
“Probably, if I saw him again.” That’s as much as Jared got for a reply.
“Okay, I’ll let him know. I’m
sure he’ll be calling to set up a line-up or something like that.”
“Fine. Thanks for calling Jared.” He hung up, leaving Jared holding a dead phone and wondering what it would take to snap him out of this funk.
David turned the bell down on the phone so that it wouldn’t interrupt his tour and looked around the kitchen. Matt Hawkins had said that even the counters had been lowered. And he was right. There were extra cupboards built along one wall to make up for the cupboards that had been removed from above the counters. All in all a tidy kitchen for someone in a chair. Everything was within his reach.
Everything except the one thing he wanted.
He made fresh coffee and when it was finished he filled up a travel mug and stuck it in the cup holder someone had added to his chair while he’d been at the hospital. He took the coffee outside and sat and looked across the pasture toward the corral full of horses beside the barn. They were all standing against the front fence looking toward the front of the barn. Something had their attention. Probably some small animal down in the grass that he couldn’t see from here. He decided to go and find out.
Rolling himself along the boardwalk that led to the barn, David was busy watching where his wheels were going and didn’t look up until he got to the barn. When he did, he saw a ramp had been built beside the door. Looking at it, he decided that it was a mounting block of a different sort. If he rolled his chair up the ramp, there appeared to be a couple of blocks meant to hold the chair in place and while he was parked against them, he could reach up to the saddle horn and pull himself onto a horse. Too bad he wouldn’t be doing that anytime soon.
He turned the chair so he could see the gate. The latch had indeed been lowered to a height he could easily reach. Looked like C.J. hadn’t missed a thing.
He heard a blowing sound behind him and turned his chair in time to see Mirage start walking toward him from the barn door. A fully saddled Mirage. Wearing a bridle with the reins thrown loosely over the saddle horn. The soft blowing breath of the horse on his hands felt wonderful. But he didn’t understand how the horse had got there. As he sat stroking Mirage’s nose, he heard the steps of another horse close by and looked up in time to see Dreamer follow Mirage out of the barn.