Newton and Polly

by Jody Hedlund

  Newton dropped back into the stiff chair, the heaviness of despair settling upon him. As his attention turned to the postscript, Newton’s pulse came to a sudden halt.

  “Addendum: After writing this letter, I rode to Chatham and visited with the Catletts to discuss a possible marriage match between you and the object of your affection. They received me warmly and are willing to give you their blessing in such matters. We all agreed to leave the final decision to you and Polly. They shall be expecting your visit soon.”

  For an endless moment, Newton could only stare dumbfounded at the paragraph. He blinked to see if the words were a mirage, if they would disappear much the same way land did on the horizon. But after several blinks they were still there. He drew his thumb across them and reread them a dozen times before finally releasing a shaky breath.

  He didn’t fight to hold back the tears that stung his eyes. His father had forgiven him even though he hadn’t asked for it. Nay, his father hadn’t said the words. Nay, he hadn’t written them.

  Rather he’d proven his forgiveness by doing the one thing that would mean the most to Newton. He’d given Polly back to him. He’d made a way with Mr. Catlett where there had been none. He’d gained approval when Newton hadn’t been able to. He’d done it all for Newton when there had been nothing for him to gain in return.

  Newton dropped his face into his hands and wept for the man who’d never given up on him. The man who’d loved him through all the difficulties and disappointments and failures. The man who’d never stopped loving him.

  “Thank you.” His voice cracked. “I love you too, Father.”

  June 1748

  Polly pressed a kiss against Mary’s forehead, then straightened and gazed down at the sleeping child’s peaceful face for a long moment, the feathery lashes resting on her rosy cheeks. Polly’s heart ached with both love and loss.

  She fought back the tears that came whenever she thought about the letter from John that Susanna gave her when she arrived yesterday. The awful letter in which John informed her that he was giving her up, that he wasn’t worthy of her, and that he wouldn’t visit her again.

  The letter had broken her heart. She knew it shouldn’t have mattered. She knew she shouldn’t have cared. She thought she had convinced herself to go ahead with marriage plans with Billy. She didn’t want to marry a ship captain and have to live with fear every voyage that she’d lose him.

  Even so, she had to admit to herself that she’d still been harboring the hope of seeing John again.

  There was something about the idea of being with him that excited her in a way that being with Billy never had. And now that he’d devoted his life to following God, she couldn’t keep from thinking of how well they had worked together on his mother’s hymns. What if God had a purpose and a ministry for them together?

  So she’d been waiting. And she’d even been watching the road.

  Until Susanna arrived yesterday and delivered John’s good-bye letter. Susanna still used every excuse she could to get away from her London home. It was no secret anymore that Daniel regularly committed adultery with the female servants, whether they were willing or not. Apparently he had always felt it was his right to dally with the servants, even as a young man still living under his father’s roof. Though he’d agreed to Susanna’s pleas for him to stop, she told Polly that she caught Daniel fondling one of the chambermaids earlier in the week.

  The idea of getting into a marriage like Susanna’s frightened Polly. If only Susanna had known about Daniel’s problem with lust when they were courting. She’d known he was a flirt but admitted to Polly that she thought he would change once they were married, that he’d settle down, that he’d have no need for anyone else.

  But it had become all too clear that marriage wasn’t the cure for a man’s sins. The issues didn’t magically disappear after marriage. In fact, if anything, the problems only came more into the light.

  Of course Susanna had brushed aside John’s good-bye letter as nonsense, had insisted that John wouldn’t be able to resist coming to see her, that he’d never follow through on his resolution. But Polly had the feeling that this time John was determined to prove himself a changed man. He wasn’t planning to come to her again.

  He’d set her free.

  Polly pressed her hand over her mouth to keep a sob from escaping and waking Mary. She backed slowly out of the room that had been given over to Susanna and Mary for the duration of their visit.

  Susanna met her in the hallway. “It’s about time—”

  “Shh.” Polly cut her off with a finger to her lips and a warning glare. “She’s finally napping.”

  “You’ve been in there for an eternity,” Susanna said as she followed her down the stairway. The hallway was dark with the shadows of the late afternoon.

  “I like holding her.”

  “You like spoiling her.”

  Polly smiled. “She’s easy to spoil.”

  “Well, you’re needed in the stable,” Susanna said, steering her toward the back door. “Apparently one of the new kittens is lost.”

  Polly tensed. “Oh no.” Pete had found himself a mate, and they’d had another batch of kittens as they did every spring. She didn’t wait for any further instructions from Susanna but hurried outside and across the backyard. “And of course, Billy rode by,” Susanna said breathlessly in her effort to keep up. “He asked if he could come calling later this evening.”

  Polly sighed. Billy had been much too patient with her over the past two weeks. They’d had the meeting with her father, and he’d asked for permission to marry her. Father had acquiesced, but Polly had sensed his reservations, the same reservations he’d had all along.

  She’d told Billy she needed more time to think about it. But after John’s letter, she would tell Billy tonight that she would marry him and let him post the banns as he’d been waiting to do.

  “You check inside,” Susanna said, stopping several feet from the open doorway. “And I’ll search around the perimeter.”

  Polly nodded and waved Susanna away before ducking into the cool shadows. The soft neigh of her father’s horse greeted her, along with the earthy scent of the fresh hay strewn on the dirt floor.

  “Here kitty, kitty.” She started toward the far side of the stable to an old wool blanket where the mother had been nursing and sleeping with the kittens.

  At a thump against one of the stalls, she swung her attention around.

  “Looking for these?” Out of the shadows stepped the broad-shouldered man she’d never thought to see again.

  She gasped and covered her mouth to conceal the breadth of her surprise.

  He held one kitten in his palm, and three others were crawling up his arms and on his shoulders. His face was leaner than she remembered, and he seemed taller. But otherwise he looked the same. His skin was browned and his hair windswept with sun-bleached streaks. The scruff on his cheeks told her he hadn’t taken the time to shave. But he was attired in clean garments, likely the best he owned even if they were slightly frayed.

  She took him in, hardly daring to believe he was standing in front of her, living and breathing and altogether too attractive.

  His sea-green eyes were taking her in too, growing wider with each inch of her body that he perused so that she couldn’t keep from flushing under his scrutiny. “You’re all grown up,” he whispered, wrenching his gaze upward to her face.

  “It’s been a long time,” she whispered back, drinking him in with wonder.

  “Aye. Too long.”

  She studied his face and wanted to reach out and touch him to make sure he was real.

  One of the kittens chose that moment to begin crawling up the front of his shirt. He grimaced from the tiny claws that were likely digging into his skin.

  At his pain, she rushed forward and reached for the orange tabby. “Now, Pasqual,” she chided, “that’s no way to treat our company.”

  “Pasqual?” One of John’s brows lifted.

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nbsp; Polly rubbed the kitten behind his ear. “This is Pasqual. Then there’s Posie, Petunia, and Pembrose.” She pointed at each one.

  “Don’t tell me the father is Pete.” Newton grinned, and it took her breath away.

  “Yes, Pete’s the father and the mother is Priscilla.”

  “It sounds like you have an admiration of the letter p.”

  “How could I not?” she teased back. “There are so many good things that start with the letter p. Pockets, parcels, pastries, and pies.”

  “Don’t forget the best thing of all.” He bent down and allowed the kittens to jump off him. The mother cat came from out of the shadows to gather them to her side.

  “Peace?”

  “Aye, peace is a good one. But I know something even better.”

  “Paradise.”

  He chuckled softly. “Aye. Something even better.”

  “There’s nothing better than paradise.” She’d forgotten how much fun she had bantering with John and loved how easily they could fall back into such camaraderie.

  John took another step forward so that he was only an arm’s length away from her.

  “What could possibly compare with paradise?” she asked again, her attention dropping to his broad chest and the strength exuding from his torso.

  “Being with a woman named Polly.” The words came out light, but when she glanced up to his face, his expression was so intense that she sucked in a sharp breath.

  Her thoughts flitted to the past, to the other time when they’d been in this exact spot together. Apparently Susanna had orchestrated another meeting alone. Polly was grateful for the privacy.

  “Polly.” He uttered her name with such reverence that her heart began to thud in anticipation. Of what she did not know. All she knew was that she’d been waiting for this moment far too long.

  “I can’t believe I’m finally looking at you,” he whispered and reached out to touch the ringlet dangling next to her ear. “I feel like I’m dreaming.”

  His touch was as light as the whiskers of the kittens. She held her breath and waited for him to move his fingers from the curl to her cheek and to graze her skin. She wanted it. Needed to feel his touch on her face. She could see in his eyes that he desired her, and when his attention shifted to her lips, her stomach burned low and deep.

  She’d relived his parting kiss a thousand times. Even now, she could feel the hard pressure of his lips, the passion in his mouth, the taste of him, the warmth of his breath.

  Something flared in his eyes, and he began to lean closer as though he had every intention of kissing her again. But then just as suddenly he shut his eyes and dropped his hand. His nostrils flared, and he took a step back before opening his eyes.

  Although he still regarded her with desire, the muscles in his jaw clenched and the corners of his eyes wrinkled, showing a new maturity. “I missed you.” His voice was hoarse. “Not a day has gone by in which I neglected to think of you at least a dozen times over.”

  She wished she could say the same thing to him. But the truth was, she’d spent nearly every waking moment trying to forget about him. It had taken months before she could finally make it through a day without her heart ripping open at the thought of him. Just the remembrance of her struggles and the intense heartache gave her pause.

  Was it really such a good idea to see John again, especially in light of the letter he’d sent to Susanna? Maybe he’d been right to cut off their relationship rather than put them through this torture of wanting each other but being unable to be together. She took a step back. “Susanna brought me your letter.”

  He exhaled a sigh and his shoulders drooped. “I was hoping it hadn’t reached you yet. But I suppose that’s why Susanna rode out to Chatham.”

  Polly nodded.

  John kicked at a loose piece of hay. “I wrote the letter before I received the news from my father that he’d come to visit your parents and that your father is willing to give us his blessing.”

  “So you had no desire to see me before that?”

  “Nay,” he said rapidly. “I was desperate to see you. The minute my feet touched ground in Liverpool I was planning to ride here to see you. But…” The afternoon sunlight slanted in through a crack in the siding illuminating the anguish in his expression. “I discovered that the fortune that I thought I could offer you was all a lie.”

  She wanted to tell him that a fortune didn’t matter. That she didn’t care what he had to offer. But she knew that wouldn’t be the truth. It did matter. She did care. After the years at Mrs. Overing’s Boarding School, after the time mingling with wealthy young ladies, after a lifestyle of ease and pleasure, she couldn’t imagine throwing all that away.

  “I have nothing, Polly,” he said, splaying his hands out to his sides as though to show her all he had was himself. “I can’t offer you the kind of life you deserve. I can’t even come close.”

  She’d always known that if she chose John she’d lose her status and end up poor. At one time, when she was younger and more naive, she might have been able to overlook such prospects. But now after seeing Susanna’s marriage, after seeing that marriage wasn’t the cure to all of life’s problems, she could only imagine how her life would be once the newness of married life wore away. Would she be disappointed?

  “Your father said you’ve been given the captain position of a ship,” she said. “Surely that will be a good start to a new career.”

  One of the kittens scampered across John’s shoes and started to climb his trouser leg. In one easy but gentle swoop, John scooped the kitten into his palm and began petting it. “On the ride here I decided that I’m not going to take the captain position.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I’m honored to have been offered the job. But for my first voyage, I think God wants me to be in a humbler position where I can practice obeying a captain and acquiring further insight and experience before venturing to lead others.”

  Polly stared at John in amazement. The young man she’d once known would have boasted of his position. At the very least he wouldn’t have deliberated over the prestigious offer or claimed the need to gain obedience and insight before taking on such a role.

  “When I go back to Liverpool, I’m planning to tell my boss that I’d like to be the mate, the second in command, as long as he’s able to find a replacement.” John’s words were spoken with a finality that echoed through her. Regardless of how such a move would affect his financial situation, he was doing it. No matter how it might affect his ability to provide for her, he was humbling himself.

  Even if eventually he became a captain and could provide modestly for her, he’d be gone for long months at a time. She’d see him only for a few weeks a year. How would she endure the long separations inherent in being married to a seafarer? Her thoughts returned to Miss Donovan’s revelation about her fiancé. Every time she told John good-bye, would she be wondering if it would be her last? She couldn’t bear the thought of allowing herself to love him, only to lose him. With John, she could very well end up a spinster. Like Miss Donovan. And that was the last thing she wanted.

  “Since I have so little, I know I have no right to ask you to consider a future with me,” he said in a tremulous voice. “But my father’s letter gave me hope. I thought that if your father had given his blessing in spite of everything I’ve done in the past, I hoped—and prayed—that you might be willing to give me another chance.”

  His eyes were wide and expectant upon her face. The green was calm with a peace she’d never noticed there before.

  She couldn’t give John a decision at this moment. She needed more time to think about everything. She swallowed her unease and tried to smile. “I think we need some time—”

  “I don’t need another minute to know that I love you, that I always have, and I’ll never stop until I take my dying breath.” The passion in his voice matched the sudden flare of passion in his eyes.

  Heat rolled like lapping waves through her stomach.
She wanted to do nothing more than fling herself into his arms and give herself to him. But shouldn’t they spend more time together first? After all that had happened to Susanna with her marriage, she couldn’t rush into a decision as big as this. “I need more time, John. Please.”

  Disappointment flashed across his face. But he ducked his head to hide it and didn’t say anything.

  “At least we have some time this week that we can spend together,” she said, trying to ease the strain between them. “When must you return to Liverpool?”

  “I might be able to stay a few days,” he started, but then stopped and glanced almost painfully at the open doorway. Outside, Polly caught a glimpse of Susanna’s petticoat and wondered if Susanna had listened to their bittersweet reunion. “Nay,” he said, his voice spread thin and tight, “as much as I’d like to stay for a week or even a few days, I have to leave on the morrow if I’m to make it back by my deadline. Manesty gave me three weeks to report back to the office, and I’ve already squandered two.”

  Polly stared at him in wonder. Deadlines had never stopped John in the past. He’d always stayed as long as he wanted. Was he truly a changed man as his father had declared? She regarded him again, as if for the first time, taking in the serious bent of his brow, the gentleness of his expression, and the sincerity of his stance.

  “I’m thrilled to know you’ve made peace with God,” she said. And for a brief moment, she was jealous of him and wished that she too might find peace for her restless heart.

  He nodded. “I’m far from perfect. I’m much like Saint Paul, who persecuted believers. He was blind but then had his eyes opened to the truth. I’m now on the path toward righteous living and will be striving down that path to the end of my days.”

  She smiled at him, genuinely pleased to know that he’d come through his storms a stronger and better man.