The Weight of Shadows

by Alison Strobel

  He pushed his empty plate away and shook his head. “Yeah, I’ve changed my mind. I really don’t want to go tonight”

  Kim frowned. “What? Why not?”

  “I’m just not in the mood to meet a bunch of strangers. And I’m not that into fireworks”

  “But I really want my friends to meet you—and for you to meet them. And it’s a potluck; they’re counting on me for some of the food”

  “What, that potato salad I saw in there? They can live without it”

  “Well, and the drinks”

  “A couple bottles of pop aren’t going to be missed”

  She sighed. “Well look, if you don’t want to go, that’s fine, but these are my friends and I want to hang out with them. I’ve been looking forward to this. I’ll just go alone”

  “No, stay home with me. We can rent a movie or something, maybe go to dinner”

  “Rick, I don’t want to stay home, I want to go out”

  “No”

  She stared at him. “No? Like I’m twelve and you’re my father?”

  He took a moment to reply and she knew she was on dangerous ground. “No,” he finally said, “like I’m your fiancé and I am a higher priority than your friends”

  He had her there. She fought tears as she grabbed the plate and carried it back to the kitchen to wash. “Fine. I’ll call Emma. Maybe she can come pick up the food at least”

  He shrugged. “Whatever. We’ll go out tonight, get some dinner and bring in a movie”

  “Sure, whatever you want” Her voice was flat.

  “Aw, c’mon Kim, don’t be like that”

  “Like what? Like I’m disappointed? Well I’m sorry, but I am. And I don’t think that’s unreasonable, seeing as I’ve had these plans for awhile now and you’re suddenly pulling them out from under me”

  “Well I’m sorry if you were expecting me to just follow you around like some hungry puppy”

  “I never expected that! What would make you even think that? All I’m saying is that I want to go out with my friends. If you don’t want to, then fine, don’t. But I’m not some slave to your fancy. If I want to go out, I’m going to go out”

  It didn’t matter that she knew how this was going to end; she couldn’t help pushing a little and asserting herself. The tension in her belly coiled like a cobra, preparing for the onslaught that was sure to come.

  She saw it in his face first. How his eyes narrowed, how his jaw seemed to jut a fraction further. “Don’t push me, Kim”

  “I’m not pushing you, Rick. But I’m going tonight”

  “No you’re not” The words were bullets dinging her flimsy armor. “You’re staying home”

  They stared at each other over the kitchen counter. How far did she dare to go? She breathed hard through her nose, her chest heaving as though she’d sprinted a mile. “No”

  He sprang from his chair, and it was instantly clear to her she’d made a mistake. She was trapped in the kitchen. She shrieked as he lunged and grabbed her, his fingers digging into her arms. He dragged her to the bedroom and threw her on the bed, then slammed the door behind him. “No? You told me no?” She scrambled across the bed and jumped to her feet on the other side, where she was trapped once more. He shoved the bed, roaring, and it slammed into her knees, pinning her against the wall. He clambered over the lumpy mattress and grabbed a handful of her hair, then yanked her face back to his when she tried to slide away against the wall. “You never tell me no. Never. I tell you to come to me, you do it. I tell you to lie down, you do it. I tell you you’re gonna cook me a seven-course meal, you do it, because you are as good as married to me, and when a husband speaks, his wife listens. Got it?”

  “Okay, okay!” He gave her head a shove, then let go of her hair and crawled back over the bed, leaving her to struggle out from behind the bed and collapse on it, shaking.

  It was all her fault, as usual, and she knew it. He’d even told her flat-out not to push him, and she had. What had made her defy him?

  She mopped the tears from her cheeks with the bedspread and pushed herself upright. Her head throbbed, though her knees didn’t hurt like she thought they would. She pushed up her sleeves and saw blue bruises where his fingers had gripped her. The sight made her cuss. She’d been so close to wearing short sleeves.

  “KIM, WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?”

  “I’m so sorry, Emma. I just wasn’t feeling well. I was going to call you but by the time I decided not to go, I figured you’d already left. Did you guys have enough pop?”

  “Yeah, we were fine. Are you okay now? What was wrong?”

  “A stomach bug, I think. I woke up feeling a little off, and it just got worse as the day went on. I slept alright last night, though, and I feel better this morning” She shrugged. “Just one of those weird things. I’m glad it’s gone now, though. I have Club tonight”

  She went back to her station, surprised at how easily the lie had rolled off her tongue. She hadn’t given it much thought beforehand. She was getting good at it.

  The other girls were glad to see her doing alright and added their sympathies to Emma’s. The day passed without incident, and after her two o’clock appointment she cleaned her station and went to Club.

  She played pool with Kea and Tandi as they waited for everyone to arrive, then they claimed a corner in the learning center and sprawled on the floor.

  Mercedes was the first to notice. “Kim! That ring! When did you get engaged?”

  Kim groaned in her head and put on a smile while scrambling for a response as the girls grabbed at her hand and inspected the diamond. “Yesterday,” she lied. “Under the fireworks” The girls let loose with a collective “Awwww!” and assaulted her with questions.

  “So when’s the wedding?”

  “Next July. Probably on the Fourth”

  More dramatic sighs.

  “How did he do it? What did he say?”

  “He waited until the first firework explosion, then took my hand and slipped it on my finger and whispered, ‘Marry me?’”

  “That’s so romantic!” they chorused, which sent them into a giggling fit.

  “Can we come to the wedding?”

  “Egypt!” Mercedes glared at her. “That is so rude”

  “What? I’m just asking”

  “And what if you’re not invited, you’re gonna make her say it to your face right here and now?”

  “Ladies, please” She smiled. “We’re going to keep it small, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to invite you or not. But it’s a whole year away, so we’ll just have to see when we get closer to the date”

  “So you two gonna do it then?”

  “Kea!” The other girls all chastised her together.

  “Hey, she always says we can ask her anything, so I’m asking”

  “That’s a little personal, Kea,” Kim said.

  “Ah ha! So you are,” Kea said, smug.

  Kim rolled her eyes. “Moving on…”

  “I’m never getting married,” Mercedes said. “I don’t want some man thinking he’s the boss of me”

  “It’s not like that when you’re in love,” said La-Neesa. “You’re both equal. No one is the boss. Right, Kim?”

  “Well, yes, that’s the way it’s supposed to be” She hoped her discomfort wasn’t obvious on her face.

  Tandi stared at Kim. “So how did you know he was the one, Kim?”

  “There’s no such thing as ‘the one,’” Mercedes said. “It’s mathematically illogical”

  “What are you talking about math for?”

  “If everyone only had one person they could be in love with, then what happens when a few people make a mistake and go with the wrong person? Then it throws it off for everybody”

  La-Neesa snorted. “Well that would explain why there are so many divorces”

  “She has a point,” said Joelle.

  “We’re totally off-topic,” said Tandi. She turned back to Kim. “Let me rephrase: how did you know you
wanted to marry him?”

  “Because…because he loves me” They didn’t look convinced, so she plowed ahead. “He loves me, and I love him. We understand each other—we were both in foster care, so we both understand what kind of messed-up histories we have and are willing to make allowances for each other when our baggage gets the best of us. We’re a good match, personality-wise” She shrugged. “We just work well together”

  The girls looked at her, unimpressed. “That isn’t nearly as romantic as I thought it would be,” said Egypt.

  Kim saw the opportunity for a good life lesson. “Let me pass along a little wisdom, woman to woman,” she said, eliciting snickers. “What you see in the movies, and on television, is not how love really is. There aren’t strings playing in the background. It doesn’t fade to black when you kiss. In between the sweet moments is just…life. And sometimes life is messy and very unromantic. So don’t go through life looking for the guy that makes you feel like bursting into song, like you’re living in a musical. Look for the one that you don’t mind being with when things are boring, and when you’ve got the flu, and when you’re arguing over what to do that weekend. If you still want to be with that person after those times, then you’ve found someone worth marrying”

  She let that sink in for a moment, then promptly changed the subject before lightning struck her down.

  ELEVEN

  Joshua hadn’t expected to tear up as he pulled out of the driveway for the last time. He was glad Maddie was staying at a friend’s house for the day—he hated to get emotional in front of her. They’d already shared a box of tissues that morning as he’d dressed her for her playdate. He’d hoped it would be less traumatic moving everything as-is rather than boxing it all up first, but just hearing she’d be coming home to a new house and not to this one had brought on a meltdown. Her distress had triggered his own tears, and they’d cuddled together for awhile and wept.

  At least she’d expressed some acceptance of the new place. He’d taken her to the apartment a couple times to familiarize her with the property and neighborhood, and they’d chosen the paint for her walls the day before. The last time they’d been there, Carlotta from down the hall had come out with three children to say hello and welcome them to the neighborhood. Maddie seemed to get along with the middle child well, and that night at dinner she had thanked God for “the kids at the new house” during mealtime grace. As he drove the route from old home to new for the last time, he prayed that Carlotta would be a positive influence in Maddie’s life, and that the other children that lived in the complex were as friendly and well-behaved as hers.

  Joshua did a mental read-through of his move-in checklist as the rented truck bumped along the road. Utilities switched over and turned on—check. Change of address forms submitted to the post office—check. New address listed on Maddie’s school and doctor records—check. Keys to the old house left under the mat for Scott to pick up this evening—check. And in the back of the truck, the last of their possessions.

  He was grateful for the graciousness of the folks helping him move, some of whom he hadn’t talked to in months. They were people he’d met at the Bible study he and Lara had attended the year before her death. He hadn’t gone back since she’d died, but he and Maddie still attended the church, and people from the study continued to send him the occasional email and extend offers of babysitting and meals. Those families jumped at the chance to lend a hand with the move. Two of the women had gone over earlier in the morning to clean the apartment and start painting Maddie’s bedroom. Another had come to pack up the food in the kitchen and get it restocked in their new home, and then informed him she’d make some dinners to freeze while the others packed and unpacked. He’d managed to pare down their collection of material goods and donate a mountain of furniture and clothing to the Salvation Army, so it had only taken two trips to transport all the things they were bringing. The men had made quick work of loading the truck, and by noon he and Maddie were officially moved out of the house where their family had begun.

  When they arrived at the condo, the smell of fresh paint wafted from the smaller of the two bedrooms and mingled with the palate-teasing scent of lasagna. Eyes dried and focused on the future, Joshua helped the men unload the furniture from the truck and set it up inside. His things looked wrong in their new locations—too big in some cases, and too awkward in others. It felt like a bachelor pad until one’s eyes caught sight of the baby handprint plaque on the bookshelf or the shocking pink in the bedroom beyond the living room.

  He stood in the spot where the kitchen opened up to the living room and surveyed all he could see from there—which, because the place was so small, was nearly everything. “It doesn’t look like a home, does it?” he said to Heather, who stood in the kitchen stirring a sauce on the stove.

  “Scatter some clothes on the floor and track in some mud—that usually does the trick.”

  He laughed. “Yeah, that’s probably the issue—I’m no good at keeping house; it’s never this clean.”

  “Give it time. It’ll take awhile to settle in, but I’m guessing it’ll feel like home much sooner than you think.” She grinned. “And it’ll be a lot easier to keep tidy!”

  “Hey Joshua, we’re done in here,” called Angie from Maddie’s room.

  He went in and was overwhelmed by the color. “That is one amazing shade of pink. I don’t know how she’s going to sleep in here. I feel like my heart rate goes up just being in here.”

  “Girls will be girls, eh?” Angie glanced around the room.

  “Let us know if she changes her mind on the color. Or if you do, for that matter,” said Stacy, Angie’s painting partner. “We wouldn’t mind redoing it for you if need be. Or even sponging over with something lighter to soften it up a bit.”

  “Thanks for the offer. I may take you up on that.”

  “So when will she see it?” Stacy asked.

  Joshua looked at his watch. “I told her I’d get her before dinner—I’ll probably go over in half an hour or so. Everything’s about done, and what little is left I can take care of myself. I can’t thank you all enough for helping me with this. I couldn’t have done it on my own.”

  Angie wrapped an arm around his shoulder and gave him a brief squeeze. “We’re happy to help, Joshua. And you know we’re here when you need anything.”

  Not much later, his friends began to collect their scattered belongings and file out the door. Before going to pick up Maddie, he did a walk-through of the condo, examining each room, straightening pictures on the walls and books on the shelves. While he was grateful for all the help, he was also a little disappointed there wasn’t at least some work left to be done. He needed something to keep him busy, keep his mind occupied. The rush of paperwork and ruthless pruning of possessions over the last couple weeks had given him a necessary escape from the reality of the move. But now it was done, and there was no running from the emotions that tumbled together in his heart.

  He took a deep breath and quickly left for the car before he could give too much thought to the one person he wished was there to really make it feel like home.

  MADDIE WAS JUST FINISHING HER BREAKFAST when the doorbell rang. Joshua peeked out the peephole and saw Carlotta’s two older children shuffling back and forth in front of the door.

  “Well, hi there,” he said to the two grinning faces.

  “Hi, Mr. Miller,” said the girl, whom he guessed to be about seven. He searched his memory for her name and came up with Hannah. “Zak and me were gonna play outside. Does Maddie wanna come with us?”

  Maddie came running to the door at the sound of Hannah’s voice, then pulled up short and hid behind Joshua’s leg.

  “Hi Maddie!” said Zak, grinning. He was the one Joshua had guessed to be about Maddie’s age. “Come outside with us!”

  “My mom has the window open, and she watches us through the patio,” Hannah said. “You can do that too. We play out here all the time. We have a ball and jump ropes, and
I have my doll.”

  “I don’t have a doll,” said Zak. “But I have a dinosaur.”

  Joshua suppressed a chuckle. “That would be my choice too.” He ruffled Maddie’s hair. “Want to get your doll and play, sweetheart?”

  She was quiet for a moment, then raced off for her bedroom. She returned with her Cabbage Patch baby and Joshua walked the group of them out so Maddie didn’t change her mind as he knew she might if he wasn’t there.

  He stood by the security door and watched as the kids fell into a game Carlotta’s children had invented, the rules of which Joshua didn’t catch, but Maddie seemed to be enjoying herself. He opened the door to go back in and nearly ran into a young woman coming out.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” he said, stepping aside. “Didn’t mean to almost knock you over there.”

  “Not a problem,” she said. Then she smiled. “Wait a minute—I think you’re the new neighbor. You’re in #4, right?”

  “Yes, I am. Joshua Miller, pleased to meet you.” He stuck out his hand. She seemed to pause a moment, then grasped his hand and shook quickly. “That’s my daughter, Maddie—the one with the pink shirt.”

  “Aw, she’s so cute.” She smiled, watching the kids. “I’m Kim Slone, by the way. I live in #2 with my boyfriend, Rick Allen.”

  “Oh, so we really are neighbors,” Joshua said. “I’m surprised I haven’t heard you yet. I remember the old owners saying the walls were pretty thin.”

  A shadow seemed to cross her face. “Yeah, well, we don’t use the room that is right next to yours. It’s more storage, really, and we stay mostly on the other side, in the other room.”

  “Oh, okay. I gotcha.” He smiled and nodded. “Well, I don’t want to keep you. Seemed you were in a hurry.”

  “Just on my way to work. I’m a stylist at A Cut Above, over on Sixth.”

  “Oh, good to know. Maddie’s hair has never been cut, and it’s probably about time I took her somewhere—do you do children’s hair?”

  “Sure! Bring her in anytime. She’s got gorgeous hair.”

  “She does—just like her mom’s.” He held out his hand again. “Nice to meet you, Kim. Hope you have a good day.”