The Weight of Shadows

by Alison Strobel

  “Of course I will.” She rinsed the shampoo and pumped conditioner into her hands, then smoothed the product through Kim’s hair. “Man, your hair is really growing fast. I can’t believe how long it is.”

  “Huh, really? I guess I haven’t noticed.”

  “Yeah, you haven’t been doing much with it lately. I’ve noticed a lot of ponytails.”

  Kim winced inside. She knew she should be doing more with her hair—it was, after all, the best way to advertise what she did for a living—but she just hadn’t had the energy lately to do anything more than tie it up.

  “So you want me to cut it different this time? You could try going short, then you wouldn’t have to do much. Your face would carry a short cut really well.”

  “No, I don’t think Rick would like that.”

  Rumiko scoffed as she rinsed out the conditioner. “So? It’s your hair.”

  “Yeah, but he’s the one that has to look at me.”

  “So do the rest of us, but you don’t see us dictating your hairstyle now, do you?” Kim rolled her eyes and Rumiko chuckled. “Okay, whatever. You’re done, you can sit up.” She led Kim back to her chair and draped the plastic cape across her chest. “So just the usual half-inch trim, then?”

  “Yes please.”

  Rumiko combed out Kim’s hair, chattering away about the color class she’d taken earlier in the week. Kim had wanted to attend too—usually she and Rumiko went to all their continuing education classes together—but Rick hadn’t wanted her to spend the money. She’d tried to explain to him that she needed these classes, but he’d blown her off. “It’s hair. How much new stuff can they come up with to do with it, really? It’s not rocket science.” She’d considered defending her profession, but knew there was no point—it would just escalate into another boxing match.

  Rumiko pulled her comb up and snipped with her scissors. “You should see the new applicator,” she said. “It’s completely—” She stopped, frowned, and leaned in to peer more closely at Kim’s hair. “Um, Kim?”

  “What?”

  Rumiko drew her comb horizontally across Kim’s hair, then lifted the layer she had created and handed Kim her hand mirror. “Look at the hair under here. Do you see it?”

  Kim angled the mirror to get a better view. Her eyes widened. “It’s wavy. My hair is getting curly?”

  Rumiko stared at her in the mirror. “Your hair is getting curly.”

  Kim lowered the mirror and stared at Rumiko. “Oh my God.”

  Rumiko dropped her voice lower. “When was your last cycle?”

  “It was…um…” She bit her lip, calculating in her head. “Like, a month ago? The middle of June? But it was really short, like not even a day…” Her voice faded as reality struck.

  Rumiko put a hand on her shoulder. “You need to find out, like, now. I’ll cut your hair later; go down to the drug store and get a test.” Kim sat, dumbfounded. Rumiko tugged her arm and ripped apart the Velcro on the neck of the cape. “Go!”

  Kim stumbled from the chair and grabbed her purse from her station. She was halfway down the sidewalk to the drugstore before her emotions caught up with her. She wiped tears from her cheeks and sniffed. I can’t be pregnant. I can’t be. What will Rick say?

  She almost ran the rest of the way to the store, and once inside, she bumbled down the wrong aisle three times before finding the section of pregnancy tests. She grabbed the one that required the shortest amount of waiting and took it up to the front. Her hand shook as she laid it on the counter at the register and pulled out her wallet. She expected some kind of comment from the cashier, but the woman merely scanned it for the price and dumped it into a bag. Kim signed the receipt with a signature that looked nothing like it usually did. She power walked back to the salon and tossed her purse onto the chair. She flashed the bag to Rumiko, who flashed back crossed fingers.

  Once inside the bathroom, Kim ripped open the box and read the instructions twice to make sure she did it right. Then she stood, her back to the test, unable to make herself watch it as it developed. She counted to one hundred, then turned and saw a little pink plus sign.

  WHEN RICK CAME HOME, Kim had dinner laid out on a fully-set table, complete with candles and wine. “Well this is an unexpected surprise,” he said as he dropped his keys onto the pass-through counter. “We win the lottery or something?”

  Kim pulled out his chair and motioned for him to sit down. “No, no—not quite.” She poured a glass of wine and sat down beside him. “But I do have some good news.”

  He leaned back, drink in hand, and smiled. “Well? Lay it on me, I’m dying of suspense over here.”

  Hands clutched in her lap, face aching from the perma-smile she’d been sporting all afternoon, Kim took a deep breath and gushed, “We’re going to have a baby!”

  Rick set down his wine. “What?”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “You’re pregnant.”

  “Yes!” She laughed. “Can you believe it?”

  “But, we’ve always…”

  She shrugged. “Nothing is 100 percent.” Her smile faded for the first time that day. “You’re not happy?”

  “Well, I just…I wasn’t expecting this.” He picked up his wine and swallowed half of it. “Wow.”

  They sat in silence for a minute until Kim couldn’t stand it anymore. “I need to know what you’re thinking. Are you upset? Are you nervous? Are you…what are you?”

  He stood and began to pace. “I don’t know, Kim. I’m not exactly happy—this wasn’t the plan at all, right?”

  “Well, right, but—”

  “And where are we gonna put a baby?”

  She chuckled. “We have a whole room that we don’t use—”

  “Yeah, yeah, but we’re not cut out to be parents. We’ve hardly had parents, how do we know what to do? We don’t!”

  “We’ll watch a lot of Cosby and Family Ties reruns.”

  He stopped pacing and frowned at her. “This isn’t funny, Kim.”

  “Rick, relax.” She stood and went to him, wrapping her arms around him. “This is amazing! This is our chance to reverse karma, you know? The world screwed us over when it came to family, but we’ll make it right, we’ll be the best parents any kid has ever had. We’ll do for her all the things no one ever did for us.”

  “Um—‘her’? Do you already know it’s a girl?”

  She rolled her eyes. “I had to say something, so I said her.”

  “When will we know what it is?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. I have to find a doctor. I don’t even know for sure how far along I am.” She wrinkled her nose. “I feel so guilty—the wine I’ve drunk, the food I’ve eaten. I haven’t been taking any vitamins or anything.”

  Rick removed her arms from his waist. “Alright, well, enough about all this. I’m hungry. What did you make?”

  Kim served up the lasagna and garlic bread she’d purchased on the way home from work and refilled Rick’s wine glass, then filled her own with water. She was aching to talk baby things—registries, names, nursery décor—but Rick dominated the conversation and babies were never a part of it. Whenever she tried to bring it up, he’d wave a hand and say, “Later. I can’t think about that right now.”

  As they were getting ready for bed, she tried again. “So I’m going to find a doctor tomorrow. Do you want to come to the appointment with me when I go?”

  He scoffed. “Are you kidding me? No way.”

  She frowned. “Well, fine, but you don’t have to sound so disgusted by the suggestion.”

  “Kim, this whole thing is so far from what I want right now that the very mention of it is making me sick.” His voice held the note of warning she had come to recognize as a precursor to a slap, or worse. She lowered her eyes, ashamed at her need for him to be as happy about this as she was. “Just leave me alone about all this, alright? I need to figure out what we’re going to do.”

  She couldn’t sleep that night. She lay in bed, hands re
sting on her belly, thinking about all that was going to change. How long could she work on her feet all day? Her back had already begun to ache, though she hadn’t realized why at the time. How would they pay for the birth? She had no insurance, and while Rick had some through work, she wasn’t on the policy. The baby could be, but that wouldn’t take care of the hospital stay or prenatal appointments. And she’d need maternity clothes. And vitamins—she had to get those tomorrow.

  She rolled to her side and pulled the covers over her head, overwhelmed. There was so much to consider, so much to do. If only Rick were more supportive. She longed to nestle against him and cry into his chest, feel his strong arms around her and hear his voice whispering that he’d take care of everything.

  “Hey.”

  She jumped at his voice. “I thought you were asleep.”

  “No, I was thinking.”

  “About what?”

  “Maybe you could get an abortion?”

  She sat straight up with a gasp. “What? No! How could you even suggest that?”

  “Relax. It was just an idea.”

  “Just an idea? Killing our baby? Nice, Rick.” Her voice broke with emotion as she threw back the covers and grabbed her pillow.

  “It’s not a baby yet. Where are you going?”

  “I’m not sharing a bed with someone that callous.” She stomped out of the bedroom and slammed the door behind her. Beginning to cry, she grabbed the chenille throw from the end of the couch and laid down. She buried her face in her pillow, not wanting Rick to know how much he’d upset her. She was already fearful of him taking offense at how she’d abandoned him.

  But he wouldn’t do anything when I was pregnant, would he? She wrapped her arms around her middle and wiggled deeper into the cushions. She wanted to disappear into them, into something, just her and her baby alone together. She pictured the baby curled in her womb, recalling photos she’d seen of fetuses in utero, floating in their watery homes, looking like jarred aliens. She grinned a little and was filled with anticipation for her first doctor’s visit. She’d get her morning appointments rescheduled and go first thing. She’d cancel at the Club, too, so she could go get some maternity clothes. The grin grew to a smile as she realized her clothes had been tight because of the baby and not because of how much she’d been eating lately. So many little things made sense now—her fatigue, her sore back, how emotional she’d felt. Such a tiny little thing inside her, but such a big impact it was already having.

  Her mind roamed the fields of her imagination, dreaming of tiny baby clothes and images of herself with a blanketed bundle in her arms. She fell asleep humming lullabies.

  KIM SLEPT LIKE A ROCK on the couch, and when she awoke Rick was already gone. It took a moment for her to remember the events of the previous day, but when they all snapped back into place, she felt giddy and light with excitement. She called into the salon and left a message for Bette to cancel her appointments, then called the Club to cancel for the afternoon. After showering and eating—during which she thanked the universe she wasn’t having morning sickness—she headed out to the free clinic.

  There were only five people ahead of her when she arrived. She picked up a magazine and sat in the corner, as far from everyone else as she could. She’d never worried about her health before, but now that someone else was depending on her, she didn’t want to take any chances. Who knew what illnesses people were dragging in with them today?

  When her turn came up an hour later, she followed the nurse back to be weighed and have her vitals checked. Then she was led to a room where she changed into a paper gown and waited another ten minutes for the obstetrician, a thin, energetic woman with gray in her hair and an aura of kindness. “Well I see you’re pregnant!” she said as she sat down. “How do you feel about that?”

  Kim smiled. “I’m excited. It wasn’t planned, but I’m still excited.”

  The doctor wrote on Kim’s chart. “Is the father aware of the baby?”

  “Yes, he is.”

  “And what does he think of all this?”

  Kim sighed. “Well, I don’t think he’s thrilled. But I just told him last night—I just found out yesterday—so once he’s had some time to let it sink in, I’m hoping he’ll be more into it.”

  “Have you given any thought yet to what you plan to do?”

  Kim frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you have a few options. You can keep the baby, if you’re prepared to deal with the responsibility. You can put it up for adoption. There are a lot of families out there who would love to raise a child but can’t have children of their own. Or you could—”

  “I’m keeping it.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. Absolutely.”

  The doctor nodded and made a note in her chart. “Well, if you begin to have a change of heart, please let us know and we can set you up with the proper resources.” She glanced up, then frowned. “What’s all this here?”

  Kim looked to the spot where the doctor was pointing and felt her insides go cold. Her scars. “Oh—my stupid cat.” She forced a chuckle. “She went nuts. We were at the vet. She hates the vet.”

  She held the doctor’s gaze, hoping her features looked as neutral as she was trying to make them. “Hm. Well. Might want to have someone else take the cat in while you’re pregnant, just to be safe.” She made another notation on the chart. “And you can’t change the litter box while you’re pregnant, either. The dust from the litter can cause toxoplasmosis.”

  “Oh, okay, good to know. I’ll have Rick do it then.”

  “Rick? Is that the father?”

  “Yes.”

  “Ah.” She made another note. “Alright, let me see if we have all this correct, then, okay?” She double-checked the information Kim had given the nurse, and Kim relaxed again. It was a good thing she’d stopped cutting. There was no way the doctor would buy that story for long.

  With the paperwork finally complete, the doctor set the chart aside. “Alright then. Let’s do an internal ultrasound and see if we can better determine how far along you are.” Kim laid down and fixed her eyes on the small screen. The doctor moved the wand, stopping to type something on the ultrasound computer now and then, and then stopped. “Hello, baby.”

  Kim squinted at the screen, then gasped as a little leg kicked. “It looks like an actual baby already!”

  The doctor chuckled as she clicked and typed again. “It looks like you’re measuring at about twelve weeks and five days.” She pulled a small round chart from her pocket and consulted it. “That puts your due date around January 15th.”

  “So…is it alright? Is it healthy?”

  “As best as I can tell right now, yes. It still has a lot of developing to do; we’ll know more at your twenty-week scan.” Kim concentrated on the screen as the doctor used her pen to pinpoint a specific spot. “That’s the heart. See how it’s pulsing?”

  Kim gasped. “It’s got a heartbeat!”

  “Sure does. Beating at about 136 beats a minute.”

  “Is that good?”

  “Completely normal.” She printed off a few snapshots, then cut one off and handed it to Kim. “Baby’s first picture.”

  Kim stared at the grainy black and white image. “I can’t believe it.”

  “Hard to imagine, hm?” The doctor helped Kim sit up, then turned the lights back on in the room. “We’ll get you started on some vitamins, and I’ll give you a list of foods to eat and avoid. We’ll want you to come back once a month until you’re in the last trimester, around thirty weeks. Then we’ll do appointments more frequently. Do you have any questions?”

  Despite the way her thoughts were buzzing, Kim couldn’t come up with any. “I don’t think so. But…everything is alright, right?”

  The doctor smiled. “Everything is perfect.”

  After making her next appointment, she caught a bus to the salon. Her next appointment wasn’t for another hour, but she didn’t want to go home to an empty ho
use when she had so much good news—and a picture—to share.

  She floated into the salon, waving the grainy printout. “Look at my baby!”

  Bette squealed. “Let me see!” Her eyes grew wide. “Wow, look at that. Amazing.”

  Emma came and looked over her shoulder. “So what did the doctor say, Kim? Is everything alright? The baby looks like you, by the way.”

  They laughed and Kim plopped down into one of the reception area chairs. “Everything is just fine! I got to see the heart beating. Can you believe it?”

  Rumiko, who was in the middle of touching up a client’s roots, called from her station, “What did Rick say last night, Kim?”

  “He was shocked.”

  “No surprise there. So were you.”

  “He was kind of…not excited. But I think he just needs some time to think about it.”

  Emma raised an eyebrow. “What if he decides he’s not cool with it?”

  “Oh, I can’t imagine he’d be like that.”

  Bette sighed. “That happened to my sister. Her boyfriend just—pfft—up and left when she found out she was pregnant. Like, really left. She never heard from him again, never figured out where he even went.” She smiled. “But then she found the guy she’s married to now, and he’s a gem, so she was better off for it in the end.”

  Kim rolled her eyes. “That is not going to happen to me. Don’t worry.”

  Emma’s expression was one of concern. “I hope not, Kim. But you and Rick haven’t been together all that long. You really do need to think about what you’ll do if he leaves. Or kicks you out, seeing as the apartment is his.”

  “At least you’ll know where he is,” Bette said.

  “You can live with me,” Rumiko said.

  “Or me,” said Emma.

  “Or me, though you’d have to sleep on the couch,” said Bette with a grin.

  “Guys, come on. Rick’s not going to break up with me, or kick me out, or anything like that. Trust me. I know him. He loves me, and he just needs some time to get used to the idea of being a father. I can hardly believe it myself, and I’m the one that’s pregnant.”