The Weight of Shadows

by Alison Strobel

She waffled until another contraction hit even more quickly than the last. Pretty soon she wouldn’t be able to move herself from the apartment, much less get to the car and withstand the ten-minute drive to the hospital. She cursed Rick under her breath and lurched down the hall to Joshua’s door. She pounded and called out, “Hello? Is anyone home? Joshua?”

  Joshua opened the door just as she was about to move on down the hall. “Kim! What’s wrong?”

  “I’m in labor and I don’t know where Rick is!” She began to cry, then grabbed the door frame as another contraction squeezed her middle.

  Joshua took her hand when the contraction ended and led her inside. “Here, sit down. Don’t worry. How close are the contractions?”

  “About five minutes. But they only started two hours ago.”

  “Okay. Let me think.” His brows knit in thought, he stared at the floor for a moment, then brightened. “Ah, okay. I remember from when my wife was pregnant with Maddie. The doctor told us to go to the hospital when her contractions were four minutes apart. So you’re still okay.” He smiled. “I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to freak out.”

  She sniffed and smiled. “I’ll try, but they’re getting close so fast.”

  “That’s alright. Look, if Rick doesn’t come soon, I’ll take you to the hospital myself, okay? Maddie can go down to Carlotta’s. It’s not a problem.” He gave her arm a gentle squeeze. “Hey, you’re going to have a baby today! Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy?”

  “A girl.”

  “Aw, that’s great, congratulations. Maddie’s a joy. I bet you’ll have a great time with her.” His face changed to one of concern. “Listen, Kim. I know what happened the last time we—”

  “Kim? What are you doing in there?” Rick stood in Joshua’s open door, his face dark.

  Kim let out a cry of frustration and pain. “Rick! Where have you been?”

  “I had to make a couple stops. It took longer than I thought it would, that’s all. Come on, let’s go.” He glared at Joshua as Kim made her way to the door, then grabbed her arm and half supported, half dragged her back to their apartment. “What were you doing in there with him?”

  “Don’t yell at me!” Kim burst into tears. “I was scared and you weren’t here when you said you would be. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid I wouldn’t get to the hospital on time. At least Joshua was being helpful.”

  He raised his hand to slap her but she gripped the kitchen counter and began to groan. When she finally straightened, Rick’s face was pale. “What now?”

  Kim gritted her teeth. “Now we go to the hospital, you idiot.” She turned and headed for the hallway, not caring what he thought of her insult. Her mind could only focus on one thing right now, and Rick’s pride wasn’t it.

  Her contractions slowed down as they drove. Kim wanted to weep with relief, but too much of her was worried about why they were slacking off. Rick braked hard in front of the ER doors and ran inside while she hauled herself out of the car only to have another contraction hit that almost drove her to her knees. A nurse followed Rick out with a wheelchair and helped get her seated, then pushed her through to the elevator to take her to the maternity ward.

  The next hour was a blur to Kim. She was only aware of her body and what it was doing without any input from her. Between the contractions she kept her eyes closed and demanded silence from everyone in the room. During contractions she moaned and swayed as she gripped the elevated foot of the bed. She forgot Rick, forgot the bruises the doctors would see, and thought nothing of the noises and words that slipped unfiltered from her mouth. All her thoughts and energy were focused on one thing, and it was the only thing that mattered.

  A gasp, a shout—then a thin wail of a baby fresh in the world. Kim began to laugh and cry together. “Is it still a girl?”

  The nurses laughed and the doctor placed the squirming bundle on her chest. “Yes it is. Congratulations.”

  Kim grasped the baby to her, oblivious to the mess. “Hey baby. Hey Anne.”

  Rick stepped closer and wrinkled his nose. “Wow, that’s, um…”

  A nurse tucked a blanket over the squalling child. “If you’re going to nurse, you can give it a try.”

  Kim’s eyes widened against her exhaustion. “Really? Already?”

  “Sure. Here.” The nurse helped Kim and Anne navigate their first feeding. Kim thought of Jillian at the mall and how effortless it had looked. “It gets easier, trust me,” said the nurse with an understanding smile.

  Kim chuckled. “You read my mind.”

  “It’s not hard to do when you’re working with a first-time mom.”

  Kim smiled. Mom.

  THREE DAYS AFTER KIM AND RICK brought Anne home, Joshua and Maddie were sitting down to eat when the wail of a baby filled the air. Maddie frowned. “Anne cries a lot.”

  “Well, babies do that.”

  “Yeah, but…she cries a lot.”

  Joshua nodded as he cut the meat on Maddie’s plate. “Some babies have a hard time settling down. We should pray for her—and for Kim and Rick. It can be very frustrating as a parent to have a baby that won’t stop crying.”

  “It can be very frustrating as a neighbor.”

  Joshua laughed. “Yes, that’s true sometimes. Why don’t you pray, okay?”

  They bowed their heads and Maddie cleared her throat. “Dear God, thank you for our food and our house and for our day today. Please be with baby Anne and make her stop crying, and please help Kim and Rick to not get frustrated. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

  They were halfway through dinner when a knock came at the door. Joshua’s heart sank when he saw his in-laws through the peephole. Give me strength, God. He opened the door. “Well hello. Come on in.”

  “We were in the area and thought we’d stop by since we haven’t seen our granddaughter in so long,” said Alisha as she stepped in.

  “Gramma!” Maddie slid off her chair and ran to Alisha, wrapping her arms around her grandmother’s legs.

  “Hello, sweetheart. Let go, please, you’re wrinkling my slacks.” She caught sight of the table. “Oh, we caught you at dinner, I see.” She frowned. “Not much of a meal, by the looks of it.”

  George nodded to Maddie’s plate. “I see you’re eating some macaroni and cheese. I thought she was allergic to dairy.”

  “Well, the pediatrician said we could try it since it’s been a few years. Sometimes kids grow out of it.” He refrained from sharing that he’d used raw unpasteurized milk and cheese to make the sauce from scratch. What they didn’t know couldn’t come back to haunt him later. “She’s had a few things this week and seems to be doing pretty well.”

  “Hm.” Alisha glanced around with the look of disdain that always came over her face when she entered their apartment, then frowned. “What’s that sound?”

  “That’s baby Anne next door,” Maddie said. “They just had a baby last week, and she cries a lot.”

  “Can you believe how clearly you can hear that? These walls are just paper, Joshua. Just paper.”

  “That doesn’t sound like a baby,” George said with a frown. “What is that? Who’s yelling?”

  Joshua’s heart thunked in his chest. Oh no, God. Please make it stop. “Um, yeah, that’s probably—”

  “That’s their TV,” Maddie said. “They watch shows with a lot of yelling and leave it on loud a lot.”

  Joshua looked at Maddie. “Yes. They do, don’t they.”

  Alisha looked from Maddie to Joshua and narrowed her eyes. “Madeline, sweetheart, will you please excuse us for a few minutes?”

  Maddie looked to Joshua, confused. Joshua nodded to her room. “She means can you leave us alone for a few minutes. Why don’t you go to your room and draw a picture for them to take home?”

  “Okay!”

  Alisha waited until the door closed before she turned on Joshua. “Are we hearing what I think we’re hearing? Is there violence going on in that apartment next door?”

  Josh
ua sighed. “I suspect there might be, yes. I’ve already spoken with my boss at the shelter to get her advice about what to do—”

  “What to do? I’ll tell you what to do, Joshua, you get out of this dump and away from these people before something happens to Maddie!”

  “I don’t think anything’s going to happen to Maddie, Alisha. We almost never see them; they pretty much keep to themselves. Kim is a sweet girl who made a really bad choice, and I feel like God has put me here to help her get out of it.”

  He regretted it the minute he said it. Even before the words were out of his mouth he knew he shouldn’t go there, but frustration rather than reason was driving his brain. To expect George and Alisha to understand compassion, much less the idea of submitting to God’s will, was like expecting Maddie to understand politics.

  Alisha’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, I see. You put some girl who’s too stupid to know she should leave a guy when he hits her ahead of your own child. She must be awfully pretty to turn your head so soon after you’ve lost your wife.”

  “I figured there was something keeping you in this slum,” George said. “Makes sense now. That baby actually yours?”

  Joshua closed his eyes, every muscle tensed and awaiting the order to fly into a rage. He couldn’t even pray. He just flung his anger heavenward in his mind. Sucking in a breath, he counted backwards from ten, then opened his eyes.

  For a brief moment, God allowed him to see his in-laws for what they really were. Wounded parents who didn’t understand why their daughter was gone, who were angry at her—and him—for the path of treatment they chose, and who had no hope of ever seeing her again. To them, Maddie was the last link they had to their only child. To gain control of her would allow them the chance not only to protect that link, but to take another stab at parenting so they could fix the mistakes they’d made the first time—mistakes that led their daughter to become religious, to marry a man they deemed beneath her, and to shun the powers of Western medicine until it was too late.

  Anger drained away as Joshua gained new insight into their plight. In its place grew pity and a bit of sympathy the size of a mustard seed. But it was enough.

  “I understand what you’re trying to do.” His voice was quiet, controlled. George and Alisha looked wary. “I understand. I really do. I wish you had the hope I have of seeing Lara again. I know she tried to tell you about the belief we both shared—and still share—in Christ, and if you ever want to know more, I hope you’ll ask me, because I would love nothing more than to be able to share it with you. But until you do, your bitterness and anger isn’t going to go away. I know what’s going on, the lengths you’re willing to go to try to build a case against me so you can get Maddie, and I can’t help but feel so sorry for you.”

  A blush crept up Alisha’s neck and into her face as her features became pinched with fury. George, on the other hand, seemed to age ten years in as many seconds, his shoulders sagging and his whole face drooping. Before they could speak, Joshua continued. “Despite what you’ve done, and what you’re trying to do, God will help me love you. But loving someone doesn’t mean letting them walk all over you. I need to protect both myself and Maddie from the poison you’re trying to spread. So I’ll ask you not to come over without calling first and asking if it’s okay. If you violate this request, or if you try to see Maddie behind my back, I will go to the police and file a complaint. And if you continue to spend your visits this way, then there will be no more visits. I know there are grandparents’ rights laws on the books here, but I am prepared to go to court to uphold that boundary. Are we clear?”

  Alisha gasped, her face nearly purple. But George just turned to the door and put a hand on Alisha’s arm. “Come on,” he said. “We need to go.”

  “Absolutely not! Didn’t you hear what he just said? The absolute nerve he had to accuse—”

  “Alisha, let’s go.”

  “—I will not go. No. Not until I’ve seen Madeline again. Madeline!”

  “Alisha!” George’s shout startled Joshua as much as it did Alisha. Tears sprang to Alisha’s eyes and Joshua’s heart skipped a couple beats. “We’re going. Now.” He turned to Joshua. “Say good-bye to Madeline for us.”

  Joshua watched in stunned silence as George ushered his weeping wife out the door. He recovered and shut the door behind him as Maddie came out of her room with a pout on her face. “Where did Gramma and Grampa go? Why didn’t they say good-bye?”

  Joshua knelt and wrapped his arms around her. “They just had to go, sweetheart. I’m sorry.”

  He helped her back into her seat so they could finish their nowcold supper, his mouth making light conversation with Maddie while his heart prayed fervently for her grandparents, and for the chaos that lived next door.

  DEBBIE CHEWED A NAIL AS she looked over the budget summary Joshua had emailed her. It could be worse, right? I’m sure it could be worse. She knew from the discussions they’d had over the last few months that things were going to be tight. Joshua had submitted grant proposals to four organizations so far, but none of them had panned out yet. She’d been so excited when all their open staff positions had finally been filled, until Joshua had reminded her that more staff meant the need for more money. Like most small nonprofits, the economy’s struggles had hit them hard. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. At least I’m not doing the work of three people anymore.

  Debbie didn’t feel like confronting her thoughts any further, so she grabbed her purse and coat and wrote “Running errands” on the message board outside her office.

  She didn’t like running from things, but it was becoming a habit. Literally, like escaping her office with the excuse of errands, but figuratively in that she’d been avoiding the one person to whom she truly felt drawn.

  A week after their first lunch a few months back, Joshua had asked her out again, this time for a purely personal dinner. She’d seen it coming but still didn’t know how to react, and in the end she pulled the work ethics card, saying it wouldn’t be right given their professional relationship. But after the gentle rebuff, she’d agonized over the decision and eventually come to regret it.

  A month later they went out for lunch again, this time to discuss the shelter’s operating budget. Their conversation had come easily, and she was shocked to see they’d been gone nearly three hours when they finally packed up to go back to the shelter. And just as before, a week after their lunch, Joshua had asked her out to dinner again. Once again she’d made up an excuse that left her aching inside.

  Debbie drove to the bank, then to city hall, taking care of errands that really did need running, then sat in her car hating herself. She was a coward, plain and simple. She couldn’t bring herself to say yes to Joshua because she was afraid she’d screw that up too, but unlike all the other men she’d dated, he sparked her in a way that made her afraid to hurt him—or worse, to lose him. It wasn’t just because he’d already lost his wife, or then she’d have to face him every day at work. It was because she’d never felt so strongly about a man, especially one she barely knew. It made her want to protect him, and right now, that meant protecting him from her.

  Because the truth of it was, men weren’t the only ones she had a hard time trusting. She also couldn’t trust herself. It had been almost five years, and she still felt the hurt as freshly now as she had then. She’d been dating Charlie for almost a year when she’d discovered he was married.

  Song after song played on the radio, and three commercial breaks later she began to feel guilty for being gone for so long. She took the long way back to the shelter and snuck back to her office to avoid Joshua. Her stealth didn’t pay off like she’d hoped, however.

  “Come in,” she called when a knock sounded on her door.

  Joshua opened the door halfway and leaned in from the hall. “Hey—I thought I saw your car in the lot.” Joshua was smiling, but it quickly faded. “Do you have a minute?”

  “Of course.” She motioned to the chair and he sat down w
ithout relaxing. “I heard it again last night. The baby was crying and Kim was screaming and…” He shook his head. “Maddie heard it too. Turns out she’s heard it before, but she thinks it’s the television. And my in-laws heard it too, but that’s a whole different story that I can’t get into without risking punching a hole in the wall, so…” He shrugged. “I told you what happened when I tried to talk to her about leaving, right?”

  Debbie nodded. It was a common consequence for domestic abuse victims, being punished for talking to someone the abuser viewed as a threat, especially when that person was trying to pull the victim away. She’d heard dozens of similar stories from victims themselves, but she knew it was new territory for Joshua. He didn’t have the emotional callouses she did. “Don’t blame yourself. You did what you could. But you’ve got to remember that until she wants to get out, she’s not likely to acknowledge that she’s even in danger. And once she reaches that stage, chances are she’ll find a way out. It sounds like you’ve built a good relationship with her, shallow though it may be. She’ll remember you when she’s ready.”

  He nodded, eyes focused on the middle distance. “I know you’re right, but it’s still hard.” He sighed and stood. “Thanks for letting me talk.”

  “Anytime.”

  He smiled with a sparkle in his eyes. “I’m usually pretty chatty at dinner. And Maddie gets tired of hearing me talk. Any chance of you standing in for her, say this Friday?”

  She let out a laugh. “You are persistent.”

  He spread his hands, beseeching. “A guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do.”

  She paused, not wanting to answer on auto-pilot. A little voice nudged her. Say yes. Come on. Say yes.

  She tried, but she couldn’t muster the courage to do it. “Thanks, Joshua. But not this time.”

  He stood and nodded. “No problem. But that persistence thing is sort of a God-given gift, so…” He grinned and walked to the door. “Keep working on those excuses. I won’t accept the same one twice.”

  He closed the door behind him. Debbie slumped in her seat. She had to get cracking—the pile in her inbox was two inches deep, she had twelve new emails, and she had to start brainstorming some more excuses before it was too late.