The Weight of Shadows

by Alison Strobel

  “Great, put me down for seven-thirty.”

  He frowned. “Um, I don’t think I can get here that early. I can’t drop Maddie off until—”

  “P.M.”

  “Oh. Um—” he raised his eyebrows with a small, confused smile. “Are you asking me out?”

  “Yup.” She grinned, then went back to her office to try to be productive and not think about Friday night.

  TWENTY-ONE

  Kim sank onto the twin-size bed and laid Anne beside her, then allowed herself to attempt relaxation. Despite its sparse décor, the cozy room gave her a small measure of comfort. She felt cocooned and protected by its cool blue walls, and it provided the privacy she craved. It reminded her of her hospital stay during preterm labor—knowing that Rick was at home and she was protected and alone. It gave her the space she needed to finally think.

  She was so conflicted. On the one hand, she felt tremendous relief that Anne was in a safe place. Since Rick had attacked her, Kim hadn’t left her alone with him for even a minute. Not that she was out of the woods yet. Once Rick went to the police and she was arrested, Anne’s safety might again be in jeopardy. But now that there were others involved in her life, maybe they would be able to protect her baby from Rick. When she felt more stable, she would talk to Debbie about her fears for Anne in the foster system.

  But talking with Debbie—with anyone at the shelter, really—was one of the sources of her angst. How would she be able to stay here, to participate in the group sessions and individual counseling, without going into her explanation of why she had to let Rick hit her? No one here would understand that. They all thought the women were innocent and didn’t deserve to be treated that way. And the other women staying here probably didn’t deserve it. But she did.

  Kim dried her eyes on the ends of her T-shirt. It probably didn’t matter; she wouldn’t be here long anyway. When Rick came home and found her gone he’d go to the police. She didn’t know what would happen then—would they put a warrant out for her arrest? If they did, and it was in the papers or on the news, then at least one of the shelter workers was likely to see it and would probably report her. Chances were she’d be in jail by the weekend.

  She curled herself beside Anne, who was tugging her feet to her mouth and gnawing on her toes. Just a few days, then, of freedom. And then she’d face her fate again, this time in prison.

  A knock on the door woke Kim with a start. She yanked Anne to her so hard the baby began to cry. She took a deep breath to calm her racing heart. “Come in.”

  Debbie poked her head in. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were sleeping.”

  “That’s alright.” Kim heaved another calming breath and stood, swaying the baby in her arms to soothe her. “I didn’t mean to. Good thing she doesn’t roll yet. She could have gone right off the edge.”

  “I just wanted to see how you were doing, see if I could get you anything.”

  Kim gave Debbie a sheepish face. “I am a bit hungry.”

  “We can go to the kitchen if you’d like. I can hold Anne while you make something for yourself.”

  Kim followed Debbie down to the kitchen where two other women were fixing sandwiches. They immediately began to coo over the baby, and one tapped a finger to Anne’s bare foot. “I’m Ella. Who be this sweet thing?”

  “This is Anne. And I’m Kim.”

  “Kim, is a pleasure to meet you and sweet baby Anne. It does a heart good to see a baby so happy, don’t it?”

  The other woman came to them, wiping her hands on a towel. “I’m Doreen. Nice to meet you, Kim. And Anne.” She smiled at the baby. “I was just making a turkey sandwich; can I make you one?”

  “Oh, I can get it,” Kim said.

  “It’s no trouble, really. Sit with the baby and relax. You’re new today, right?” Kim nodded as she sat in the seat Debbie pulled out for her at the table. “Then you definitely need to just sit and relax. I know what a rough transition it can be, even when you’re relieved to be here.”

  “So true, so true,” said Ella. “I been here a week and I still looking over my shoulder. It takes time to come down from being always so tense.” She shrugged her shoulders up and down as though trying to rid the tension that still resided there, and brought her sandwich to the table. “But we all here understand because we all be living the same nightmare, ya? So no one gonna fault you, you wanna just kick back a bit and take it all in.”

  Doreen brought both her sandwich and Kim’s to the table. “Debbie, can I get you one too?”

  Debbie smiled. “You’re sweet, Doreen, thanks for the offer. But I’m good.”

  Ella took a bite of her sandwich and hummed sounds of pleasure. “Mm-mm, thank you Jesus.” She shook her head. “My man set my meals for me and gave me nothing but bread and water the whole last week I be with him. Now every meal I eat is like it be from Eden itself.”

  Kim stared at Ella, horrified by the revelation, but Debbie merely nodded and Doreen added, “Just being allowed in the kitchen again makes me happy. My husband put a door on ours last year and kept it locked.” She smirked at Kim and added, “Though I had tried to poison his food once. I guess I can’t blame him.”

  Ella chuckled. “Or you!” They laughed.

  “Doreen, you know he really wasn’t justified in doing that, right? That’s totally unacceptable, controlling behavior.”

  “But what if you deserve it?” The women looked at Kim and she could feel her cheeks reddening. “I’m not saying you did, Doreen, I’m just asking the question in general. Is it unacceptable behavior if you really do deserve it?”

  “No one deserves to have their basic needs withheld,” Debbie said. “Even killers on death row get three square meals a day and a bed to sleep in at night.”

  “Even they got it better than I did,” said Ella. “My bed be the floor most nights.” She looked to the ceiling. “Thank you Jesus for getting me out.”

  “Amen to that,” Doreen said. “I’ve been here for almost a month and I still don’t believe my luck. I’d have been dead by now if I’d stayed.”

  Ella nodded to Kim. “It look like you got out just in time too, ya? Aw no, don’t be embarrassed,” she said when Kim’s hand flew to the bruises on her throat. “We all here have bruises and scars, even if they not be on the outside for everyone to see. You just let them remind you that you making the right choice, coming here. You and sweet baby deserve better.”

  Kim gave Ella a small smile, but inside she was aching. Maybe sweet baby does. But I was right: these women will never understand.

  JOSHUA’S STOMACH FLUTTERED as he pulled into the parking lot. When he saw Rick’s car wasn’t there, he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “Come on, kiddo,” he said to Maddie as he helped her jump to the ground. “What should we have for dinner tonight?”

  “Pancakes!”

  He laughed as he led her to the security door. “Pancakes for dinner? Well, why not.” He opened the door and let her in, then glanced over his shoulder before passing through himself—and saw Rick’s car pull in.

  An arrow of adrenaline shot through him. He grabbed Maddie’s hand and hustled her down the hall as he fumbled through his keys. He had the door closed behind them before the telltale squeak of the security door could be heard. He turned the deadbolt and pulled the chain, then let out another deep breath. Maddie, oblivious, dropped her backpack onto the floor and ran to her room. “I’m going to play until dinner,” she said over her shoulder.

  Joshua was just about to respond when he heard the security door slam. Two seconds later his door was rattled by pounding that echoed throughout the apartment and sent another shot of adrenaline through his already-jittery system. “Where is she?” Rick’s holler sent a shiver up Joshua’s spine. “If she’s in there I’m gonna know! Where is she?”

  Joshua threw his weight against the door, fearing it might be as thin as the walls. “She’s not here, Rick. Go home.” There was a lot more he wanted to say, but he knew
the less he said the better. He didn’t trust himself to keep the conversation polite.

  Rick yelled a string of obscenities as he retreated to his own apartment. A few seconds later Joshua heard another door slam. In the silence that followed he dropped his head against the door and gulped deep breaths to calm his careening heart.

  “Daddy?” Maddie’s voice held the notes of tears kept just barely at bay.

  “Coming, sweetheart.”

  He found her under her bed, tears on her cheeks. “That scared me,” she said, then began to cry. He pulled her out and sat her on his lap, wrapping his arms around her. “It scared me too, kiddo. But he’s gone.”

  “What if he comes back?”

  “I don’t think he will, honey. But if he does you don’t have to worry. I’ll protect you. I promise.”

  She sniffed and gave him a hug, then Joshua dried her tears on his shirt and planted a kiss on her forehead. “I think we deserve a treat. Why don’t I put some sprinkles on those pancakes?”

  She sniffed and nodded. “Okay. And maybe some peanut butter too.”

  He chuckled. “You’ve got it, kiddo.” He returned to the kitchen and busied himself with cooking and fervent prayer, begging God to help him keep his promise.

  ANNE WOULD NOT CALM DOWN. Kim swaddled, jiggled, and dosed her with teething remedies, but still she wailed. Kim felt awful that Anne’s crying was disrupting the quiet evening for a dozen other people. A knock on her door sent a new wave of tension over her. “Come in,” she said, trying to keep the exasperation out of her voice. Doreen opened the door and leaned in. “I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do. I know how awful it is to have a baby that just won’t stop crying.”

  Kim shifted Anne in her arms. “Thanks. Come on in, but I don’t know what else can be done. I think it’s her teeth again, but nothing is helping, not even medicine.”

  “May I?” Doreen reached out to Kim, and though she hated to give her up, her arms were aching and she just wanted the crying to stop. She eased Anne into Doreen’s arms and sank onto the bed with a sniff. Doreen situated the baby in her arms and began to twist back and forth, swinging Anne in a wide arc. “My little boy was just a mess when he was teething. In the end it was washcloths frozen with chamomile tea that helped the most.”

  Anne’s crying had downgraded to a whine, and Kim felt some of the tension leave her. “That’s a good trick,” she said.

  “Yeah, Riley—that’s my son—Riley loved to swing like this. Obviously it doesn’t do anything for the pain, but for some reason it soothes them.”

  “I’ll have to make up some frozen washcloths.”

  “I think there’s even chamomile tea in the kitchen. If not, ask Debbie—I bet she’ll find some for you.” She smiled at Kim. “You look like you could use a good night’s sleep. Will Anne let you go long at night without nursing?”

  “Not when her teeth are bothering her, no. She’ll eat every couple hours, sometimes more.”

  “Good for you for nursing. I know a lot of women whose abusers make them formula feed.”

  “Rick never seemed to care, so long as I could get her to stop crying. Nursing usually does it. Some nights I’d sleep in the nursery with her in my arms because I was so afraid she’d wake him up otherwise.” Kim smiled. “I’m actually looking forward to tonight, snuggling with her in bed. Do you think they’d mind if I pulled the mattress onto the floor? She doesn’t roll yet, but I’d hate for her to learn how in the middle of the night and fall off.”

  “I don’t think they’d mind. That’s a great idea. And speaking of sleeping…”

  Kim’s eyes grew wide. “Is she out?”

  “Like a light.”

  Kim laid back on the bed with a sigh. “Thank you so much, Doreen. Although I feel bad that I couldn’t get her to calm down myself.”

  “Don’t feel bad. Motherhood is one giant learning curve, and this is how you learn—experimenting and talking to other moms.”

  Kim sat up and smiled. “It’s been a long time since I hung out with other women—and the last time I did no one knew what was going on at home, so I didn’t feel like I could even let my guard down, you know?”

  Doreen chuckled as she slowed her swinging. “Oh yeah, I know.”

  Kim pulled the mattress off the box spring and pushed it against the wall. Doreen knelt and placed the baby in the center, then stood and moved to the door. “I know it’s only seven o’clock, but I’m sure you’re wiped out, so I’ll let you get to bed. I’m in room 4 if you ever want to come talk or anything. Oh—and I’ll go make up some frozen washcloths for you, if I can get my hands on a couple.”

  “Wow—thank you so much.”

  “You’re welcome. I hope you have a good night. Don’t be surprised if you can’t sleep—I think it took about a week before I was able to let go of the fear that my husband would find me, and I finally got a good night’s rest. But I didn’t have a baby to cuddle with—that might have helped.” She smiled and gave Kim a little wave before closing the door behind her.

  Kim changed into the pajamas Debbie had found for her and brushed her teeth with the toothbrush from the toiletries kit she’d been given when she first arrived. She turned out the light and eased herself onto the bed, trying not to wake the baby. She lay there, wide awake, staring at Anne’s perfect face as her thoughts blew back and forth like leaves in the wind.

  The conflicting emotions in her heart had only grown more intense over the hours she’d been here. She was grateful for the women who had reached out to her, who had gushed over Anne and offered their assistance in whatever capacity Kim needed. She was relieved that Anne was safe and surrounded by so many people who were sympathetic to—rather than angry at—her crying. She was anxious at the thought of what Rick would do, and tense with anticipation of the time when her story would come out and she would be arrested.

  And the guilt—her old, familiar companion—was back to eat away at her. But for the first time, she felt herself fighting against it. She knew that what she had suffered was nothing like what the family of her victim had suffered—possibly suffered still. But hadn’t her bruises and battering made up for at least some of theirs?

  Some of it, maybe—but your punishment has stopped while their loss never ends. γour penance can’t begin to make up for what you did.

  She closed her eyes against the tears. She couldn’t win.

  Another voice spoke in her heart, echoing the words she had heard sung in Joshua’s baritone. Little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong. She sniffed back tears and stroked Anne’s head as she reached out again to the Jesus Joshua had sung about.

  I know I didn’t deserve to ask you to get us out, but you did it anyway. And I definitely don’t deserve to ask you for anything else, but I don’t have anyone else to ask, so…please show me what else I can do, to make up for what I did. And please protect Anne. Don’t make her suffer because of me.

  Doreen was right; she couldn’t sleep. But it wasn’t her fear of Rick that kept her awake. It was her fear of what Jesus might do to answer her prayer. She didn’t know what else she could do to pay for her transgression, but whatever it was, she was willing to do it so she could finally move on.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Kim knocked on Debbie’s door and was welcomed in. Debbie sat at her desk surrounded by piles of papers and folders. She smiled when Kim entered. “Come on in and make yourself comfortable. The floor is a little cluttered, sorry—not sure if it’s a good spot for the baby or not.”

  “That’s okay,” Kim said as she sank into the sofa. “I can’t get enough of holding her lately. I know a day will come when all she wants to do is crawl or walk or run, so I figure I might as well take advantage of it now while I still can.”

  Debbie chuckled. “Wise woman.”

  Kim squirmed a bit in her seat. “I’ve never talked with a counselor before. How does it work?”

  Debbie curled up on the armchair. “It’s whatever you want it to
be. The idea is that over the course of your time here, you’ll get to a point where you’ll be prepared to go back out on your own and be armed with the skills you’ll need to avoid another abusive relationship. We also want to help you identify any issues that the abuse has caused for you, help you figure out how the abuse has impacted your physical, mental, and emotional states. But we just start to scratch the surface here, really—we encourage women to continue with therapy after they leave the shelter, because it can take quite a while to really work through the issues abuse can cause.”

  Kim nodded, digesting what Debbie had to say, but feeling yet again like this was not the right place for her. She gnawed her lip as she bounced Anne on her knees.

  “May I ask what you’re thinking?” Debbie asked.

  Kim quirked a smile. “I don’t know if I should really say.”

  “You can say anything you want to here. I won’t tell a soul, and there are no topics that are off-limits. Sometimes things that seem unrelated to the abuse can actually be connected in ways you just didn’t see, and starting with those supposedly unrelated thoughts can help you ease into the healing process.”

  Dare I? She was aching to hash it all out with someone, to get all the confusion out of her head so someone else could help her make sense of it all. But she was afraid of how Debbie might respond.

  Might as well. Chances are I won’t be here long anyway. She smoothed Anne’s thin hair and sighed. “Well…okay, here’s the thing. I don’t know that I should stay here at the shelter very long. I think I’m taking up a bed that someone else could be using.”

  Debbie’s expression gave nothing away. “What makes you say that?”

  “Well…” She bit her lip again and stared at Anne, reluctant to make eye contact with Debbie. “These other women I’ve talked to here—they’re so sweet, they’re so…normal, you know? And they just happened to get into these relationships with these awful men and they totally didn’t deserve to be treated the way they were treated. You talked a little bit about that yesterday in the kitchen, about how, even though Doreen tried to poison her husband, she didn’t deserve the treatment she got afterwards.”