The Weight of Shadows

by Alison Strobel

  He was in the middle of fixing himself a snack when he heard the slam of a door in the hallway. He paused mid-sandwich and listened for the sound of footsteps passing his apartment. When he heard them, he slapped the rest of the sandwich together and ran to the window. There was Rick, getting into his car, turning it on, pulling out of his space.

  Joshua grabbed the key and a folded paper bag and walked out to the security door to double-check that he hadn’t pulled back in. The spot was empty. A shot of adrenaline sent him running down the hall to Kim and Rick’s apartment, muttering prayers under his breath all the way.

  The bedroom on the left, the two bottom dresser drawers, and the nursery dresser. Whatever you can grab. Joshua shoved shirts, shorts, socks—and with embarrassment, bras and panties—into the bag, then scrambled to his feet and ran into the nursery. He yanked out the drawers and grabbed a handful from each, wishing he had a bigger bag, then stood and slammed the drawers shut. He opened the door and peeked out before closing the door behind him, locking it, and nearly tripping himself as he made a mad dash for his own unit.

  It wasn’t until he was inside, sitting at the table, that he allowed himself to relax. He’d done it. Into the lion’s den and lived to tell the tale. The apartment had not been what he’d expected. The usual clutter, but less than what he and Maddie lived with. He’d expected filth—beer cans underfoot, Playboys on the table, dishes everywhere. He’d never considered that batterers might be neat freaks.

  He finished his sandwich, packed up his laptop, and split the clothing stash between two bags before leaving for his car. Then he opened the security door, and his stomach dropped to his shoes. Rick was just getting out of his car.

  Joshua gave the man a brief, silent nod as he walked to his car. Walk normal, don’t run, be cool. He tightened his grip on the bags as they passed each other, then got in his car and forced himself to wait ten seconds before turning it on so he didn’t look too eager to leave. But as soon as Rick was inside the building, he took off. His palms didn’t stop sweating until he was at work.

  SHAWNEE KNOCKED BUT OPENED DEBBIE’S OFFICE DOOR before hearing a response. “We’ve got an angry ex outside.”

  Groaning, Debbie shoved her chair back from the desk and followed Shawnee to the security office. A man stood out on the front steps of the shelter, pounding his fist on the door and calling for someone to let him in.

  “Do we know who he’s looking for?” she asked.

  “Kim.”

  Debbie’s heart sank. “Oh, no. I’m going to go tell Joshua. Shawnee, find Kim and keep an eye on her and Anne, just in case she hears him. Mike, go tell him to leave.”

  She took the stairs two at a time and arrived breathless at his office. He was unpacking his laptop onto his desk when she got there. “Rick’s here.”

  “What?” He dropped the pen he was holding and ran a hand through his hair. “Great, now what?”

  “Shawnee’s gone to find Kim and Anne, in case they hear him, or hear about him. We can’t stop her if she wants to go out to him, but we can try to stall her while we try to get rid of him.”

  “Can’t you call the police and have him arrested?”

  “Security will call if he doesn’t heed our requests to leave. Someone is talking with him right now.”

  Joshua’s phone rang with the in-house tone. He picked it up with a sigh. “This is Joshua.” His face clouded. “I’ll be right there.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Rick’s asking for me.”

  She followed him as he left the office and headed for the stairs. “What? For you? Why?”

  “Apparently he saw me come in. I don’t know how.”

  She thought for a moment. “Maybe he followed you this morning. But why would he do that?”

  “He’s suspected me from the beginning. He confronted me twice.”

  “What! You never told me that.” Debbie’s irritation was evident, but that would have to wait.

  Joshua glanced over his shoulder, apologetic but focused on the impending situation. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to worry.”

  He headed for the front door. She grabbed his arm. “Wait—you’re just going out there?”

  “Well, yeah. He knows I’m here. Maybe I can get him to just leave her a message with me or something.”

  “What if he gets violent?”

  “Look, don’t worry, alright? I can hold my own. What’s the worst that can happen?”

  It was her turn to raise an eyebrow. “Seriously? You want me to tell you about the guy that nearly knifed one of our women when he came here looking for her? Or the guy that had a pistol in his pocket?”

  “I don’t think Rick’s like that. I don’t know him well, but I just get the sense. Let me try to talk to him, okay? You guys have that camera set up out there, right? You’ll be able to see me and send someone out if I need help.” They made eye contact once more, then he headed for the door.

  Debbie made a dash for the security room so she could see what was going on. When she got there, Rick and Joshua were on the steps, talking. She cursed the fact that the cameras had no sound and studied their movements and faces to try to discern how the conversation was going.

  Twice Rick tried to get past Joshua to the door. Both times Joshua muscled his way between them, hands up in a gesture of nonconfrontational defense. Rick poked him in the chest, and Debbie flinched. The figure of Mike, the guard, entered the frame, and Joshua waved him off. “Just let him take care of it, Joshua. It’s his job,” she said aloud.

  Finally Rick took a step back. Debbie sighed with relief, but then frowned as Mike headed for the door with Joshua behind him. “That’s not protocol—”

  Rick lunged towards them, out of the frame. She gasped, and when she saw Joshua stagger back and fall halfway down the stairs, she told the other guard to call the police and took off running.

  JOSHUA MOANED AND STRUGGLED TO HIS FEET, as Rick and Mike continued to fight it out in the vestibule. Just as he decided to hang back and wait for the fracas to end, Rick pulled a knife from his pocket, flicked his wrist, and thrust the blade into the guard’s middle. The throb in his jaw disappeared as adrenaline took over. Joshua charged up the stairs and looped his arms around Rick’s, pinning his arms back as Rick stumbled away from the collapsing guard. Yelling, Rick jumped and kicked back, clipping Joshua in the knee. Joshua staggered and fell back against the wrought iron staircase railing, which caught him just low enough that his and Rick’s inertia together nearly sent him backwards over it. He let go of Rick to catch himself from going over, and Rick wheeled around, knife fist flying. Joshua ducked and dodged and reciprocated with a punch of his own, which caught Rick square in the nose. Rick let out a holler as he clamped his free hand to his face, and Joshua took advantage of Rick’s brief disorientation to tackle him. He sat on Rick’s chest and began to pry the knife from his fist, getting a whiff of alcohol off Rick’s breath as he did. Rick started hammering with his bloody fist on Joshua’s side and back, but he was able to hold on until he’d wrenched the knife away and chucked it over the railing to the window well below. He then rolled off Rick’s chest, fending off the blows, and scrambled down the stairs to the sidewalk to regroup. Someone had dragged Mike inside and shut the shelter door, and when Rick saw he had missed his opportunity to gain entrance, he let out a string of curses and hurtled down the stairs towards Joshua. “You took her,” he growled. “You took her from me.”

  Joshua set his feet and raised his fists in defense. “No, I offered to help her. Maybe if you’d treated her right she wouldn’t have left.”

  Rick swung at him, then jumped him as he ducked the punch. They fell to the pavement, locked in a bear hug. Joshua narrowly escaped being stuck beneath Rick as they lost momentum, and he scrambled to his feet while fending off Rick’s fists. He bided his time until Rick was slightly off-balance, then landed a solid punch in his gut. Rick folded and fell to the ground, struggling for breath. Joshua backed away, panting, an
d sagged with relief when the sound of sirens could be heard in the distance.

  Rick regained his breath and slowly stood, eyes locked on Joshua. Joshua raised his hands again. “Give it up, man. Cops are coming anyway.”

  He wiped the blood from his nose with the end of his shirt. “It’s not over. Better watch your back.” Joshua said nothing as he backed away towards the stairs to the shelter. “We’ll see what these cops think when I tell ’em what I heard you doing with your little girl.”

  The words of the DHS agent came back to him. “We have to investigate every call we get.” He shook his head. “It won’t matter,” he said, more to himself than to Rick.

  “It will when they see the bruises.”

  “She doesn’t have any.”

  Rick’s chin lifted just one smug fraction. “Not yet she doesn’t.”

  It didn’t matter that Rick was all talk and was hinting at a plan that was completely illogical. All Joshua could think of was Rick’s violent hands on his daughter. He flew at Rick with all the force he could muster in a few short steps, knocking him to the ground. When the police pulled up to the sidewalk Joshua was unaware of anything but the satisfying feeling of his fist sinking into Rick’s abdomen.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  Kim watched from the window as Joshua and Rick beat each other on the sidewalk. Tears rolled down her cheeks at the sight of her rescuer being led off in handcuffs. Her emotions were in such tumult she wasn’t even sure which one was the cause of her crying. Rick arrested. Joshua arrested. The love she couldn’t help but feel for Rick. The fear she felt for when those officers would return for her.

  Or maybe it was the prayer she had just prayed with Pam in the kitchen, admitting her sins to God and acknowledging her need for a Savior.

  She walked back to her room and relieved Adele from babysitting. She sat on the bed and let the tears come hard while she nursed her baby in her arms. “I’m so sorry, sweetie. I’m so sorry Mommy has to leave you.” She covered the sweet, soft face with tears and kisses, then left the room in search of Doreen.

  She and Doreen hadn’t talked much, but she knew she wouldn’t be totally clueless about what to do with a baby. She found her in the laundry room, scrubbing a spaghetti stain from her skirt. “Hey Kim. I heard about what was going on out there. You alright?”

  “Yes…and no. Long story.” She held Anne out to her. “Can you take her for me, please?”

  Doreen tossed the skirt into the washing machine and started the load. “Sure thing. Come here, cutie.” She sat her up in her arms with ease.

  “I checked. There are bottles and formula in the kitchen, in the bottom left cabinet. She’ll need to eat again in about an hour and a half.” She didn’t trust herself to say more. The tears were too close to the surface and her throat was already aching to close. She gave Anne one more kiss on the cheek, then left the room for the front door, forcing her eyes forward so she didn’t lose her nerve.

  After praying with Pam, they had talked about guilt, and coming clean, and doing what you could do—within reason—to make it right. Suffering under the thumb of a batterer was not within reason, but Pam had quoted the saying that confession was good for the soul. Kim knew, deep down, that there was really only one thing she could do to make up for what she did, and if she didn’t do it she’d never be able to look her daughter in the eye and teach her the importance of honesty or integrity. And if she didn’t do it now, who knew how Rick might embellish the story. She wanted to be the one to make the first move.

  She pushed open the front door and breathed in the fresh air, savoring the faint scent of fresh cut grass and sunshine. Debbie stood talking with an officer. Rick, Joshua, and the other police and cruisers were gone. She waited until Debbie finished and the officer moved for his car. Debbie did a double-take when she saw her. “Oh, Kim—you don’t need to be out here. It’s all taken care of; don’t worry.”

  Kim embraced Debbie in a brief hug. “Thank you for everything. I understand what you were talking about now, about Jesus and everything. Talk to Pam, she can tell you the story.”

  Debbie smiled. “Really?”

  Kim gave her a small smile and nodded, but then saw the officer getting into his car. “I need to go, Debbie.”

  She jogged to the patrol car and waved to the officer through the door. He got out again. “How can I help you?”

  She took a deep breath. Help me, Jesus. “I need to turn myself in.”

  The officer raised his eyebrows. “Oh—for what?”

  She swallowed hard, then put her life in God’s hands. “A woman was killed seven years ago, and the police never found out who did it. But it was me.”

  DEBBIE WATCHED IN CONFUSION AS KIM talked to the officer. She couldn’t tell what she was saying, but once the officer opened the back door to the cruiser and helped Kim inside Debbie began to panic. She ran to the car, shouting, “Wait! What’s going on?”

  “She confessed to a crime, so I’m taking her to the station.”

  “You’re arresting her?”

  “Well, sort of, yes. But she’s going willingly.”

  Debbie peeked into the window. “Kim? What’s going on?”

  “I have to do it, Debbie. It’s the right thing to do.”

  “But what about Anne?”

  “It’s her I’m doing it for. And me. And God.”

  The officer got in and started the engine. Debbie backed away and watched as the car drove off. “I have no idea what just happened,” she said to the empty air as she walked back to the shelter’s front door. “One of my staff gets arrested for assault and one of my women admits to being a criminal. And Anne! What on earth are we supposed to do with Anne?”

  She went first to her office to call the shelter’s attorney on Joshua’s behalf. After explaining the situation, she went in search of Doreen, eventually finding her in the common room with a group of other women.

  “Did Kim tell you what she was doing?” she asked Doreen.

  “No, she just asked me to watch Anne. Why, is she okay?”

  Debbie sank into a chair. “She just turned herself in to the police.”

  The women let out a chorus of flabbergasted exclamations and asked questions over each other that Debbie was unable to answer. “All she told me was that Pam would be able to explain what happened to her. I got the sense that she finally understood salvation, and that she needed to turn herself in because it was the right thing to do.”

  “But what about the baby?” Adele asked. All eyes turned to the orphan gnawing on Doreen’s thumb. “Where does she go now? Not back to Kim’s boyfriend, I hope.”

  “Well, he just got arrested—” More noises of shock, and Debbie filled them in with the details since most of them had been unaware of the altercation. “So I’m guessing no, he won’t get custody. But unless we can find some family for her, we’ll have to turn her over to DHS.”

  “She doesn’t have any family.” All eyes turned to Pam, who had appeared in the doorway. “Kim is an orphan, and so is Rick. As far as Kim knows neither of them has any living relatives.”

  “This is just tragic,” Doreen said as she cuddled Anne. “I can’t stand the thought of the baby going into foster care.”

  “Pam, do you know what Kim did? Maybe she won’t be arrested, or maybe the statute of limitations is up and she won’t be held responsible.”

  Pam sat on the arm of Debbie’s chair. “She didn’t go into details with me, so I don’t know. But I got the impression she believed it was bad enough for her to go to jail for quite a while. She knew Anne might end up in foster care. But she knew that a baby would get placed much more easily than an older child, and she wanted to turn herself in now instead of waiting to see if the police ever caught on to her, since she didn’t know how old Anne might be by then. Plus she wanted to beat her fiancé to the punch.

  “But we spoke for a few minutes in her room this morning, and she prayed with me to receive salvation.” She shrugged. “It’s all in God’s han
ds now. There’s nothing we can do now but pray.”

  KIM LAY ON THE BUNK in her cell and wept, but the tears were mostly those of relief. Seven years of soul-eating guilt were finally at an end. Regardless of the outcome, she felt God would take care of her and Anne. She knew next to nothing about God, but there was nothing else to which the peace she felt could be attributed. She couldn’t think at all about Anne, though. Not yet. She had a feeling even God couldn’t soothe her heart at the thought of losing her baby girl. At least Rick was in custody as well. When she arrived at the station, she had also named Rick as a batterer, and domestic abuse charges had been added to the list for him.

  Her thoughts about the abuse and the last year with Rick made her head spin. She had a feeling she was going to need a lot of therapy. She dried her eyes on the end of her shirt and folded her hands behind her head. At least she’d have plenty of time to think through everything.

  So. Kim conjured an image that was a cross between Santa Claus and a sandaled angel to serve as the face of God as she attempted another prayer. Here I am. I have a lot of time. What should we talk about?

  I’ll start with thank yous.

  Thank you for the shelter, and for Debbie and Pam and all the women I met there. Thank you for Joshua. Thank you for protecting him when he was fighting Rick. Rick…no, I’m not going to go there yet. Thank you for Anne—

  She couldn’t avoid the thought. She began again to weep, and her thoughts and prayers took off running, asking for all kinds of protection and blessing on the innocent baby who stood to lose more than Kim or Rick in this whole mess.

  Give her a good foster family, please. A family that will love her and treat her like a daughter and not like a maid or a burden or a tax break. Let me see her again, soon. Her breasts ached at the thought of her child. Milk stained her blue T-shirt in conspicuous patches. She turned to the wall and curled inward to block out reality while she closed her eyes and fought to keep her focus on God.