by J. S. Scott
But Gavin? Gavin couldn’t be any closer to perfect. Looks, personality, attitude… he had it all, and then some, since he wasn’t just amazing, he was also sweet and caring and smart. He checked off every box in the ideal boyfriend category.
Yet, despite the signals he was sending, there was no way this was anything more than a fantasy. And once this threat was over, he’d go back to his life and I’d go back to mine.
I finished off my glass of wine, and though it may not be a great idea, I didn’t stop Gavin when he refilled my glass. For once, I just wanted to enjoy myself, and I knew the wine would quiet my racing thoughts and insecurities.
Before long, we were done with dinner, though it was still early enough in the evening. Gavin insisted on making quick work of the dishes, and eventually, we ended up curled up on the sofa, where we’d been eating dinner.
I shifted to face him, taking another sip of my wine, his intense gaze making me far too nervous. He was already so close, our knees brushing. The air between us seemed electrified with the delicious tension that had me wanting to lean in and kiss him again.
Maybe it was the wine… maybe it was the fact that there was a hit out on my life and suddenly whatever time I had left on this earth seemed precious and not to be squandered… But I found myself leaning forward and brushing my lips against his, my kiss filled with all the uncertainties I had about myself.
Gavin deepened our kiss, his fingers slipping into my hair as he pulled me to him, his tongue sweeping over mine in a delicious dance that had me climbing into his lap, my legs straddling his thighs as my hips rocked up against his impossible to ignore erection. I’d never, in all my life, been so bold. But then again, never had anyone had this sort of effect on me.
Never had anyone even come close to being Gavin.
I was so desperate for him, but it seemed as if my body had a mind of its own, my hips rocking to their own rhythm—a rhythm he matched—as our kiss grew more fervent.
But then, he was breaking away from me with a groan, though he didn’t pull away, his head still bent to mine and my face still cupped in his hands. “Sweetness… you’re making it damn hard for me to behave myself.”
“I’ve always behaved, Gavin. Always tried to do the right thing, always tried to play by the rules. And where the hell has it gotten me in life? My brother’s dead, my entire family hates me because of it, and I now have a hit out on my life, forcing me to hide out under FBI protection.” My words all came tumbling out before I could stop them, and though I hadn’t wanted to mention my brother and my parents, it felt good to get it out there for once.
“Charlie… I’m so sorry about your brother.” He brushed his thumb over my cheek, his touch gentle as my eyes burned with threatening tears.
“I shouldn’t have said anything.” I started to pull away from him, but he gripped my hips and held me there so I had no choice but to stay and deal with what I’d started. “It was a long time ago. When we were kids. But… I guess some wounds never heal.”
“No, love. They don’t. Especially not if you continue to beat yourself up about it.” There was a sincerity in his voice, a pain there, that caught me off guard. “You said your parents blamed you… What happened, Charlie?”
I shook my head no, not wanting to tell him. Even though I relived that nightmare every day… every night. It was buried so deep inside me, I didn’t think I could pull it free from my darkest depths, even if I tried.
“I can’t…” My tears finally broke free, slipping down my cheeks as I was helpless to stop them. “I can’t talk about it. I’m so sorry, Gavin.”
“Hush, love… it’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” He looked so worried about me as he wiped my tears from my cheeks with a gentle sweep of his thumbs, my face cradled in his hands, before he held me to him.
Nestled against him, I rode out my emotions in the safety of his arms, no longer feeling alone for the first time in as long as I could remember. I’d blamed myself for so long, but with my father constantly reminding me that it was my fault that my brother was gone, I had no hope of ever healing and moving past it.
I was exhausted from carrying the weight of that burden, even if it was mine to carry. Yet being with Gavin… It was as if he’d somehow taken that burden from me, the weight no longer suffocating me. I knew my time with Gavin was only temporary, but I wanted to make the most of my time with him.
With my emotions finally under control, it quickly became apparent that both our bodies were well aware of the fact that I was still straddling his lap. I pulled away just enough to be able to look at him, but that only led to my hips shifting against his already steel-hard erection. I bit back the needy moan that wanted to escape my lips, though it took all I had not to rock my hips against his cock, in search of relief.
I’d never felt this close to anyone, even though I knew how insane that was, given my age. A lot of that had to do with the fact that I’d shut everyone out and put walls up around myself, not thinking myself worthy of any happiness, when my brother would never get to live his life. Yet Gavin had managed to tear down my defenses, and instead of feeling vulnerable around him, I felt whole for the first time in a very long time.
My eyes locked on his, and once again, the air between us crackled with a sexual tension that was impossible to ignore. Despite my problems and my past—or maybe because I finally wanted to move past them—I found myself wanting to throw caution to the wind.
I wanted Gavin.
He must have read my thoughts because before I could find my courage, his mouth found mine in a hungry kiss that set my body alight with a need I couldn’t ignore. He tangled his fingers through my hair, deepening our kiss as I moaned into his mouth, my hips rocking against his hard cock as my body pressed against him in a desperate search for some relief.
Never had I felt like this… so alive… so wanted… so at peace. And at the moment, I could think of nothing but giving myself to Gavin, even if I was nervous about it being my first time.
Yet who could possibly be more caring, more understanding, more loving than Gavin? The answer was no one. And for just a few hours, I wanted to live a life that wasn’t mine, away from my never ending nightmare.
I wanted Gavin to be my first.
CHAPTER 15
Gavin
Fucking hell… Any hope I’d had of keeping my distance evaporated in the heat of our scorching kiss. The weight of her body as it pressed against my hard cock made it impossible for me to think straight. I didn’t stand a chance when it came to resisting her, and at this point, I didn’t want to.
I’d make amends for my past sins, and come clean about the life I’d led, once I’d quenched my need for her, even if I didn’t think it possible that I’d ever get my fill. But none of that was more than a fleeting thought when I was kissing her and holding her close.
She broke from our kiss just long enough to pull her top up over her head, and if I’d thought that resisting her was hard before, it was nothing compared to now. “Sweetheart… you’re not making this easy on me.”
Almost as if she was too shy about me seeing her partially naked, she pressed herself against me, her lips on mine as she spoke between sweet kisses. “I swear, I’ve never done anything like this before. Ever.”
There was something in her voice that had me doing a bit of a double take. A hesitation… an insecurity… almost as if…
No… She couldn’t be.
I pulled away just enough to be able to look her in the eyes, brushing a lock of her hair from her face. “Sweetness… when you say you’ve never done this before, you mean… you’ve never had sex?”
Her cheeks flushed scarlet, giving me all the answers I needed. Fucking hell…
“Charlie… I don’t know what to say.” Especially since this definitely meant that there was no way I could go through with any of this. I sh
ouldn’t have gone down this road to start with—and now there was even more reason to put a stop to this. There was no way I could be her first.
“Then don’t say anything. Just, please… I’ve never felt this comfortable with anyone else before. And if not you, then it feels like it may never happen.” She bit her bottom lip, looking fucking adorable, even if I hated the worry in her eyes. “I like you, Gavin—like I’ve never liked anyone before. Or… is it that you don’t like me that way? Oh my god… have I been reading this wrong all along?”
She tossed her top back on and tried to get off my lap, mumbling her apologies, but I wasn’t letting her go anywhere. Wrapping my arm around her waist, I pulled her back to me, securing her there on my lap. “Don’t run, sweetheart. You definitely haven’t been reading me wrong. I’m sorry about how this all played out. It just caught me a bit off guard.”
The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her feelings or make her feel even more uncomfortable, though it left me in one hell of a bind. Every fiber of my being wanted to pursue this thing with her. Yet I’d be nothing but an ass if I didn’t first tell her about my past, and I wasn’t sure that was a story I was ready to tell.
I still hadn’t truly dealt with what I’d done or the consequences of my actions, and as horrible as it was, I wasn’t sure I could get the words out and tell her that, not only had I been in prison, but that I’d raped my best friend.
How the hell could I tell her that?
Frankly, I wasn’t sure I could. But that also meant that I couldn’t pursue this any further, no matter how badly I wanted to—and no matter how badly she wanted me to also. I hated disappointing her, but better to live with her disappointment than with her hate. And it had nothing to do with Kane being another man, but everything to do with the heinous act of me violating him, and taking him against his will. How could anyone forgive me or look past the fact that I’d raped someone, even if I’d been drugged and my life threatened?
Charlie pulled me from my thoughts, and I gladly turned my attention back to her, rather than deal with my demons. “I know we’ve only just met each other, but I really do like you, Gavin. And I’m not saying we have to rush into this and have sex, but…” She let out a weary sigh, the light in her eyes dimming. “I guess it was silly of me to think that you’d be interested.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Charlie. Any man would be lucky to have you — me included. You’re nothing short of amazing. But… I’m not a nice man, and I’ve done not so nice things. Frankly, you deserve a hell of a lot better than me.” I bent my head to hers so I could see her eyes, needing her to know what she meant to me. “I’m doing this to protect you. Because the last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you in any way.”
“I can’t imagine you’d ever hurt me, Gavin. After all, you’re the one who saved me. You’ve gone well out of your way to make sure I’m safe and that I’m not freaked out, and I can guarantee most guys wouldn’t have even bothered with anything more than contacting the police.” She slipped her arms around my neck, and then nestled her head in the crook of my neck, my heart hammering away as I held her to me. “I’m just not sure how I can move on from this, on my own, especially now that I know what it’s like to have you at my side, watching my back.”
I kissed the top of her head, running my hand down over her hair, trying to soothe her. “You’re not alone, baby girl. I’ve got you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
It felt like something was shifting between us, something far greater than probably either of us had anticipated — and it was probably something we both desperately needed in our lives. Except that it was clear we both had demons we were wrestling with.
But maybe, if we gave this a little more time… maybe we would be able to find a way to open up to each other and be honest—maybe then, we might stand a glimmer of a chance of finding some way to make this work. And yet I knew that I was just being stupidly hopeful, because the thought of having to walk away from Charlie felt impossible.
“I’m not giving you up, Charlie… but maybe we just need to take things slow. Get to know each other better… And then maybe, once we’ve put our demons to rest, things will be easier.” If she didn’t hate me for the horrible things I’d done.
She pulled away just enough to look at me, her eyes searching my face as worry furrowed her brow. “Gavin… If there’s ever anything you need to talk about… I’m here for you. It never occurred to me that someone who was so put together might have their own demons to deal with. But I guess, we all have a past. Don’t we?”
“I’m afraid so.”
CHAPTER 16
Charlie
It never occurred to me that Gavin might be dealing with his own issues. And clearly, whatever he was dealing with had certainly had an effect on him, especially since it felt like that was the reason he was holding back. I may be pretty clueless when it came to these sorts of things, but I’d be hard-pressed to deny that there was an attraction between us, and it wasn’t just one sided.
Most guys wouldn’t have hesitated for even a moment, given how willing I’d been to take things further. So unless I was completely mistaken, and Gavin didn’t find me at all attractive, then that meant there was something else going on. And he’d said as much when he mentioned his demons and trying to work through his past.
Gavin seemed so sweet and smart, so put together… I couldn’t imagine what he was dealing with, though it was clear he wasn’t ready to talk to me about it. And why should he? It’s not like he’d known me for long. Hell… I’d never even heard his name or said hello to the guy just days earlier.
“I’ve got an idea.” Gavin gave me a smile, and though I knew he was likely just trying to change our mood around, I was grateful for it. “When we were first pulling up to the cabin, I spotted some Adirondack chairs on the back patio. What do you say to watching the sunset? It will also give the dogs a chance to play outside.”
I grinned from ear to ear, stealing a quick kiss, and loving his thoughtfulness. “I think it’s a perfect idea. Unless… it’s not safe.” Given that I’ve never been in this sort of situation before, I didn’t know exactly how secure this location was, and though I’d like to get out and watch the sunset and try and put my embarrassment behind me, I’d rather not get my head blown off.
“This should be a completely secure location. No one knows we’re here, and the FBI are going to make sure that it stays that way.” He tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear, the gesture so sweet, it immediately had my heart racing for him, and there was no denying how drawn I was to him.
Maybe it had to do with the lack of any real affection that I got from my parents after my brother’s death. But I craved Gavin’s touch, and if I had to guess, I’d say it had more to do with Gavin and the effect he had on me, versus me just being lonely.
Unable to resist, I leaned in and pressed my lips to his one last time before climbing out of his lap, the dogs immediately perking up and getting to their feet from where they’d been lounging by the fire.
He stood by my side, towering over me, as his body brushed up against mine, almost as if we couldn’t bear to be apart. “I doubt we’ll be long, given how cold it is. We can leave the fire going since it’s safe enough, and that way we can warm back up quickly once we get back in.”
Grabbing my hand, he led the way to the back porch, the roof overhead keeping the chairs from being snow-covered. There was a definite chill to the air, which left me grateful that Gavin had grabbed the throw off the sofa, and there was a two-seater that we could snuggle up on. The dogs ran down into the yard, excited to play, and luckily, well behaved enough not to take off on us.
I curled up by Gavin’s side, as we snuggled under the throw, his arm draped over my shoulder, and I honestly couldn’t think of anything more perfect. The setting sun painted the sky in pinks and oranges, as a midnight blue seeped in from above, the sky changing from mom
ent to moment. It truly was beautiful, and I couldn’t think of anyone more perfect to spend the evening with. I knew I must be insane to be growing so attached to someone I’d only just met, but Gavin felt like my kindred spirit and our bond had been immediate.
The sun had nearly set when the dogs perked up and became alert at something — which immediately had Gavin stiffening at my side and sitting up, ready to go after an attacker should he need to. But then he relaxed, sitting back once more as he leaned into me and pointed towards the tree line. “Right there, love… Do you see it?”
A huge deer stood hidden amongst the trees, alert and ready to bolt. But once it spotted the dogs, it was clear it wouldn’t be hanging around for long. Just as quickly as it came, it was off again, though its brief presence left me feeling far more at peace.
My life may be a mess, but I still had things to be grateful for, and I was going to make the most of them.
My nightmares were always the same.
The ice cold water stealing my breath as I tried to break to the surface…
The numbing cold that kept my limbs from working…
The weight of my winter jacket… my snow pants… my snow boots, weighing me down like lead. I tried to fight the pull of gravity as it threatened to drown me in the cold icy lake.
Jessie, just seven years old at the time and only two years younger than me, had run out onto the ice. I called out to him, trying to get him to come back, knowing we weren’t allowed to go on the lake.
But he didn’t want to listen.
Our parents would be so angry with us if they found out. I had to get him back.
I hated going onto the ice, but he was already a good distance away, and I had to get him off the lake. The further away I got from shore, the slower and more careful I became, even as I continued to yell at him, begging him to come back. Finally, my brother stopped and looked over at me, but it was only to mock and tease me, like he always did. “Chicken. You’re always so worried about everything, and you never want to have any fun.”