Love and Other Battles

by Tess Woods

  A fat tear landed on his pyjama pants. And then another. ‘Sorry.’ He said in a hoarse whisper. ‘S-sorry Jess. I’m done.’ He reached out a trembling hand and rested it on her knee.

  ‘You might be done but what about your family?’ she sobbed. ‘How can you leave Jamie? Imagine how distraught she’d be without you. And your brothers and sisters. You’re so loved. Don’t you see that?’ She took in a ragged breath. ‘And CJ? Our beautiful CJ. Don’t you want to see her grow up? Be part of her future?’

  His words came out ever so slowly and mumbled but she understood him. ‘What future? I have no f-future . . . I will only get worse . . . Jess, p-please . . . Let me go.’

  She sat there and cried until all her tears were shed. He had lost all hope, and in that moment, the fight left her and she lost all hope too.

  ‘Okay,’ she whispered. ‘Okay. I’ll help you.’

  He gave her knee a squeeze and looked her in the eye for the first time that day. He lifted the right corner of his mouth into a small smile. ‘Thank you.’

  She bumped into Shreya on her way out.

  ‘Did he eat?’ Shreya asked.

  Jess pressed her lips together and shook her head.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Shreya’s kind eyes and concern unravelled her all over again and a fresh wave of tears hit her.

  ‘He’s given up,’ she sobbed.

  Shreya rested her hand on Jess’s arm. ‘Don’t worry, we won’t let him starve. If he refuses breakfast tomorrow, we’ll call in the doctor and get him on a drip.’

  Jess nodded and walked away.

  She sat in her car but couldn’t move. The dizziness overwhelmed her. Sweat dripped down the sides of her face and off her chin. It was impossible to take a deep breath. But as usual it passed.

  She turned the key in the engine.

  When she arrived back home, she crawled into bed, turned on her computer and researched lethal doses of prescription drugs. It took hours of research for her to finally have the answers she was looking for — the type of drugs that would put him to sleep and slow his heart down until he passed away with minimal risk of seizures or choking. If she was going to do this, she had to do it right. He couldn’t suffer.

  From her own nursing experience, she knew exactly what symptoms she’d need to fake to get the right prescriptions. It would take a couple of appointments with different doctors who didn’t have her history to get the dosage she’d need, but it could be done.

  Next she had to pick the date. She had her court case coming up next week. Her lawyer, Grace, was confident she would get away with only a fine, but she had to get that out of the way first. In the meantime, CJ was coming home tomorrow and the priority was to make sure that she was settled and calm and safe. CJ couldn’t afford to lose her grandfather while she was so vulnerable. Plus, Jamie’s Simon was arriving the next day, and who knew what dramas that would bring. A family could only cope with so much at once.

  What would everyone think of her if they found out she was planning to poison her husband, their father and grandfather? What would they think about her playing God with his life? She shut her eyes and wished there was someone she could talk to, just one person she could tell. But there was no one. The only person she turned to, to share her pain and troubles with, was the one causing them now.

  16 MARCH 2018 — 7.30 PM

  Jamie had just pulled into the driveway at home from the psych clinic when her phone buzzed with a text message from Andrew.

  Hey boss. Whatcha up to?

  Hi! Not much. Last night at home before CJ comes back.

  I’ve got some updates on Finn Maxwell for you. Mind if I come over?

  Oh great. Sure come on over.

  Cool, I’ll bring pizza!

  When she went inside, she was grateful to find Jess already settled in her bedroom with the TV on.

  ‘You look tired, Mum,’ Jamie said to her.

  ‘Just worried about your dad. He’s not so good these days,’ Jess answered wearily. ‘How are you, sweet?’

  ‘I’m all right. By the way, Andrew’s dropping in to go over some school stuff with me before I go back.’

  Jess raised an eyebrow. ‘Ooh, an after-hours rendezvous. I won’t come out, I promise.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘Oh my God, for the millionth time, we’re just friends.’

  ‘Whatever you say, darling.’

  ***

  Twenty minutes later, Andrew was standing on her front porch with his arms full. ‘We have Hawaiian pizza, we have Maltesers, we have this very fine Margaret River Semillon Blanc, and we have a choice of Weekend at Bernie’s or Happy Gilmore.’

  Jamie’s sadness lifted at the sight of him. ‘I hate both of those movies. But I will take your food and your alcohol. Come in.’

  He followed her into the kitchen and dumped everything on the benchtop. ‘Is your mum having dinner with us?’

  ‘No, she’s in bed.’

  ‘This early?’

  ‘Yeah, she’s knackered. Dad isn’t doing so well. It’s taking its toll on her.’

  ‘That’s no good.’ He rested his palms on the bench. ‘The court date is probably stressing her out too.’

  ‘It must be. She’s very quiet about it, she doesn’t say much.’

  ‘Probably scared of you going off at her if she reminds you.’ He laughed. ‘Do you know what I can’t stop thinking about, though? How the hell did she get away with it without you ever noticing? You never once saw or smelled a green muffin? Never saw the plants in the garden?’

  ‘Never.’ She sighed. ‘She’s not silly, my mum. I talked to her about it a few nights ago. Whenever she baked, she used to open all the windows and doors and then burn incense afterwards so by the time we got home, the smell was gone. And she always made an extra dope-free batch of whatever she was baking for home, so the whole time I just assumed Dad was getting the same as us.’

  ‘What about the plants?’

  ‘I never went into the fernery, and they were really well hidden in there. She did all the gardening. You’ve got to hand it to her, she was very resourceful. I mean, I wouldn’t even know where to go to get my hands on a marijuana plant in the first place. Would you?’

  ‘No, but your mum’s a baby boomer, don’t forget. She probably had a hundred friends she could have asked.’

  ‘True.’ Jamie pulled two wine glasses out of the cupboard.

  ‘Want to warm up the pizza?’ he asked as they clinked their glasses together.

  ‘No, I like it better cold.’

  ‘Me too.’ He smiled.

  In the midst of all the drama of the last couple of weeks, she’d spoken to Andrew on the phone but hadn’t actually seen him. She’d forgotten what great company he was.

  ‘I’m so glad you came over. Thank you.’ She put her glass down and gave him a hug.

  He held her close and kissed the top of her head. ‘Of course I came. I’ve been worried about you guys.’

  She stayed in his arms, enjoying the comfort of his hug before he let go again. He took a step back and they both stared at their drinks.

  She cleared her throat. ‘So, tell me. What’s happening with Finn?’ Even saying his name made her squirm.

  ‘For a start, I expelled him,’ Andrew said casually as they walked into the lounge room together.

  Jamie sat beside him on the couch. ‘Did you really? On what grounds?’

  ‘Mia showed me his message as soon as I asked her to, that was all the evidence I needed to take it to the board yesterday.’

  ‘Thank you. I’m so grateful.’ Going back to work at a school where Finn was no longer a student was a much better prospect than having to continue being his principal.

  ‘I had to call his parents in for a meeting, obviously,’ Andrew continued. ‘I told them to take him home and not bring him back.’

  ‘How did they react?’ Jamie was too tense to sip the wine she was holding.

  ‘Basically, his dad’s attitude was that CJ “asked for it
” by being sexual with their son, that he was just being a “normal young man with hormones”, and that “all young people experiment with dope at some stage”.’ Andrew shook his head. ‘It was unbelievable.’

  Jamie gritted her teeth. ‘What did his mum say?’

  ‘Nothing. She never said a word the entire meeting.’

  ‘Ugh, it’s not hard to see why Finn was so disrespectful to CJ.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘I’m surprised by Finn’s dad’s attitude to the dope selling, though,’ Jamie said. ‘The way he was yelling at Finn to perform better in tests. Even if he is a misogynist, I would have thought the dope part wouldn’t have been acceptable to him.’

  ‘Well, he defended Finn publicly, but who knows how he reacted behind closed doors?’

  ‘That’s true.’ Jamie gave a shudder, imagining more violence and intimidation in that home. As much as she despised Finn, and was relieved that Andrew had expelled him, it didn’t make her happy to think of him in danger.

  ‘Hey, Andrew, can I ask you something?’ she asked, chewing on her lip.

  ‘Anything.’

  ‘When do you think I should come back to work?’

  ‘I think you should come back yesterday.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Jamie, the kids need you back, we all need you.’

  ‘But . . .’ she faltered. ‘Drugs, Andrew! In my home! My own daughter getting expelled. What kind of example am I? How can I keep being a leader after that? It’s beyond humiliating.’

  ‘Look, I understand. I do. It’s hard for you. But when I sent the email telling the parents that a student in Year Twelve was forced to withdraw when they were found with drugs, and also said, “Hey, our principal’s now on leave of absence as of today too,” it wasn’t exactly hard for anyone to guess who the student was. Plus, loads of kids saw me speaking to CJ and looking in her locker at lunchtime that day. Things like that spread like wildfire. You can bet most parents in the school know by now, but not a single one of them has written to question your role as our principal. What does that tell you?’

  Jamie shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘What it tells me is that no one blames you. I think you’re underestimating what an outstanding job you’ve done at this school. Everyone has nothing but respect for you. There’d probably be a riot if you ever announced you were leaving. The staff ask me about you every day. Trust me, Jamie, I wouldn’t be encouraging you to come back unless I thought it was the right thing for you to do.’

  ‘Okay, okay. You’ve convinced me. I’ll come back but I might take one more week off, just to help CJ settle in at home.’

  ‘Excellent decision.’ He beamed.

  There was a knock at the front door.

  ‘You expecting someone?’ he asked.

  She shook her head.

  ‘Aren’t you going to answer it?’ He indicated with his chin towards the door.

  ‘Shhh. I wasn’t going to, no,’ she whispered.

  The knocking became more persistent.

  ‘Oh, bloody hell.’ She stood up and walked in a huff to the door. ‘Hang on! I’m coming!’

  She opened it and squinted into the dark. She knew who it was before she even switched on the porch light, just by his outline.

  ‘Hey, Princess.’

  She forgot to breathe.

  ‘Surprise.’ He grinned, tipping the front of his Stetson to her in greeting.

  ‘Scott? What are you doing here? You’re two days early.’

  ‘I wanted time alone with you before CJ came home. You going to let me in or not?’ He chuckled.

  She opened the door. He stepped inside, put down his suitcase and guitar case, and swept her up in his arms, lifting her off the ground. The feel of him, the smell of him, his murmured words, it was all so strangely familiar and yet new at the same time.

  ‘It’s okay, Jamie, everything’s okay now, I’m here.’

  She didn’t know how long they stayed like that, with their arms tightly wrapped around each other. She finally broke away, remembering that Andrew was still sitting on the couch, but when she turned, the room was empty and the sound of his car engine came from the driveway seconds later.

  The open back door let in a cool draught.

  ‘Everything okay?’ Scott asked as Andrew’s car sped away around the corner.

  ‘Yes, everything’s fine.’

  He took a strand of her hair and tucked it behind her ear. ‘How are you? Really?’

  ‘I’ve been a mess, but I’ll be okay.’

  ‘And CJ? How’s she?’

  ‘She’s amazing. She’s been so resilient. It’s made a huge difference having you come into her life, I can’t thank you enough.’ She stopped. ‘Or apologise enough.’

  ‘Hey.’ He stroked her cheek with his thumb. ‘Stop that. You did the best you could at the time. I’m the last person in the world to judge anyone. You’ve apologised a million times already. Enough.’

  She nodded. ‘How can you be this forgiving? You haven’t once had a go at me for keeping her from you all these years.’

  ‘There’s nothing to forgive. I was the one who fucked up time and time again. She was better off without me. If anything, I’m the one who should be sorry.’

  ‘That’s really kind of you. Thank you,’ she whispered.

  ‘No more beating yourself up, okay?’

  ‘I’ll try.’

  He flicked his hair out of his eyes. ‘Is Mrs Stone here?’

  ‘She is, she’s in bed.’

  ‘I miss that crazy hippie. How is she?’

  ‘She’s fine. Um, can I get you a drink?’ She blinked, suddenly self-conscious of the way he was looking at her.

  He shook his head, not taking his eyes off her.

  Her breath caught in her throat. ‘Something to eat?’ It came out in a squeak.

  He smiled and shook his head again.

  ‘I’ve missed you.’ He leaned his forehead on hers. ‘Have you missed me?’

  She hesitated and then nodded.

  He gently grazed her lips with his and flicked his tongue inside her mouth for a quick second, before pulling away to look at her again.

  It had been years since Jamie had been intimate with anyone. His kiss reawakened something inside her. A longing she thought was dead.

  Her breaths became shallow and fast.

  He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her towards him again. This time he kissed her properly, not holding back. They kissed with the desperation of teenagers, devouring each other.

  He fumbled with his fly. She quickly dragged him to her bedroom in case Jess came out and saw them.

  They fell onto her bed together in a heap, pulling at each other’s clothes. It was all a bit clumsy and awkward. She never remembered it feeling this way with Scott before, but then again, they were almost twenty years older now and less nimble than they would have been back then.

  There was no foreplay, but that didn’t surprise her. Scott had never been one to go the slow way.

  He let out a moan as he slid inside her.

  ‘I’m back, baby,’ he panted in her ear. ‘Scott Gunn’s back in the house.’

  She froze.

  What the fuck was that? Did he just refer to himself in the third person?

  He started pounding her so hard and fast that she held onto the bed frame to stop herself getting thrashed about. Less than a minute later, with a loud guttural sounding rut, it was all over.

  He rolled off her and threw his sweat-soaked head down onto the pillow.

  ‘That was amazing.’ He gave a rueful laugh. ‘Still as sexy as ever, you are.’

  She stared at the ceiling trying to process what had just happened.

  ‘I’ve been dreaming about that since you first rang me, you know. That was hot.’ He stroked her hair and she found herself recoiling at his touch.

  He thinks that sex was good? Oh my God.

  ‘Good thinking on my part to arrive early, hey?’
He grinned at her. ‘Got to get it out of our systems before CJ gets home.’

  She looked at him, open mouthed. ‘So you turned up early, planning for us to have sex tonight to get it out of your system?’

  ‘Not planning, Princess, hoping.’ He smirked.

  He leaned his head in close and kissed her dry unmoving lips. ‘Have you missed me?’

  She tried not to flinch. ‘It’s getting late. I’ll show you where your room is.’

  ‘What? Why?’ He leaned up on his forearm. ‘I thought I could stay in here tonight. You know, reminisce about the good old days. Maybe have another crack at it for old time’s sake.’

  She sucked the cool air in through her clenched teeth. Was his complete lack of awareness what mega-stardom in Nashville had done to him? Or was it the result of too much partying? Or was he always this obnoxious and she had never noticed? Regardless, she wanted him out of her bed and fast. ‘Scott, I don’t know what came over me but this was a mistake. I think we need to leave the past behind and just focus on CJ now.’

  If Scott was upset by her rejection of him, he certainly didn’t show it. ‘You were always so serious, Princess,’ he drawled, grinning. ‘Better get my things from the entrance hall then, eh?’

  After showing him to the spare room, Jamie shuffled on tired legs back to her own room, checked her watch and saw she had just under twelve hours before she was due at the hospital to bring CJ home. Twelve hours until she had to begin a new era of co-parenting with the man she’d spent the last eighteen years pining over. Eighteen wasted years.

  She grabbed her phone to set an alarm. That was when she found Andrew’s message.

  Thought I should text because I left without saying goodbye and I didn’t want you to worry. I just wanted to give you guys some space, that’s all. Left the pizza on the kitchen bench for you to have cold tomorrow Good luck with CJ’s homecoming. She’s a top kid, she’ll be fine. See you back at school soon, boss!