Life of Joy

by Amy Clipston

  Don’t cry. Not here. Not in front of your friends—especially Matthew.

  “Lindsay?” Katie’s voice was full of concern. “Are you okay?”

  Lindsay opened her eyes and found Katie and Lizzie Anne studying her while Matthew and Samuel stood beyond them with uncomfortable expressions on their faces.

  “Ya. I’m fine.” Lindsay cleared her throat in an effort to stop her voice from trembling. “We just had a disagreement.”

  Lizzie Anne looked unconvinced. “It sounded like more than a disagreement. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No.” The word came out as a mere whisper as her tears began streaming down her face. She groaned and swiped her hands across her hot cheeks. “I don’t want to cry. Not here. Not now. This is so embarrassing.”

  Katie enveloped her in a hug. “It’s okay.”

  “How about we go for that walk you wanted?” Lizzie Anne offered.

  Unable to speak through her tears, Lindsay nodded.

  Looping her arm around Lindsay’s shoulder, Katie led Lindsay past the barn to the fence. They walked along the fence line while children screeched, laughed, and chased each other. Lindsay couldn’t help but think back to her childhood and how simple things were back then. Of course, she and her sister would occasionally argue, as all siblings do. But those arguments were over things like borrowing a curling iron without asking, and their mom would always intervene and make things right again.

  If only Mom were here now …

  Lindsay blew out a ragged breath.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Katie said, rubbing Lindsay’s arm. “I’m certain that whatever you and Jessica said to each other was only said in anger. You’ll both cool down and apologize after a while. Nancy and I argue sometimes, and we always apologize and work it out after we’ve had some time to think it through and realize how wrong we were.”

  “It’s not that simple.” Lindsay stopped and leaned against the fence. “We said some pretty mean things.”

  “What happened?” Lizzie Anne asked, sidling up to Lindsay.

  Glancing toward the barn, Lindsay spotted Samuel and Matthew watching her. She hoped Matthew didn’t think she was a big baby for crying over the stupid argument. She turned back to her friends. “Jessica won’t stop nagging me about leaving the community and going back to school in Virginia. She won’t listen to me.”

  Frowning, Katie shook her head. “She thinks she knows what’s best for you, and she won’t respect your wishes.”

  “Exactly.” Lindsay sniffed. “She tried to convince me to go to New York City with her.”

  Lizzie Anne looked surprised. “What did you say?”

  “No, of course!” Lindsay exclaimed. “I don’t want to go there. She even offered to explain to her new bosses that I’ve been hiding out with the Amish so that they would give me a job despite my lack of education. She said that once her bosses heard that our parents died, they’ll pity me.”

  Katie scowled. “How did you respond to that?”

  “I screamed and yelled and carried on.” Lindsay glanced up at the sky and groaned. “My parents wouldn’t have been very proud of me. Neither would Aenti Rebecca.”

  “It’s okay.” Lizzie Anne touched Lindsay’s arm. “She upset you. We all say things we don’t mean. Right, Katie?”

  “Ya, we do.” Katie’s expression was full of empathy. “Don’t let her get to you. I know it’s easier said than done. Her heart is in the right place, but she doesn’t respect you. Remember to believe in your choices. Only you know what you truly want. Follow your heart. What makes you happy?”

  “Being here.” Lindsay gestured toward the field in front of them. “This place gives me joy.”

  Katie smiled. “There’s your answer.”

  Lindsay knew her friend was right, but she still had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. “I just don’t understand why she had to pick a fight with me today. She’s leaving tomorrow.”

  “That’s right,” Katie said. “She’s leaving tomorrow. Just make the best of it. My dat always says that you can’t make someone change. You have to accept people as they are.”

  Lindsay nodded. “My father told me that too.”

  “So then let’s have some fun. It’s a beautiful evening, and our family and friends are here.” Katie pointed toward the house. “Should we go see what’s going on inside?”

  “Okay.” Flanked by her best friends, Lindsay headed back toward the house. As they approached the porch, she spotted Samuel and Matthew sitting on the chairs next to the swing.

  Samuel grinned over at them. “Did you ladies solve the problems of the world?”

  “Ya, we did.” Lizzie Anne’s grin was wide, and for a brief second, Lindsay wondered if she liked Samuel.

  “Oh?” Samuel’s smile was equally bright. “And what problems did you solve?”

  Lizzie Anne twisted her finger around the ribbon hanging from her prayer covering. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  Lindsay met Katie’s gaze, and they both raised their eyebrows with curiosity.

  Samuel folded his arms and looked unconvinced. “I would guess you were sharing baking secrets and nothing more important than that.”

  Lizzie Anne’s eyes playfully challenged him. “Is that all you care about? Baking was important to you yesterday when you told me what your favorite cookies were.”

  Samuel stood and rubbed his hands together with anticipation. “Did you bring those chocolate chip cookies you promised?”

  “I don’t remember.” Lizzie Anne touched a finger to her chin. “I may have to go check.”

  “I’ll come with you.” Samuel opened the door wide and gestured for Lizzie Anne to step through.

  Giggling, Lizzie Anne moved through the door, followed by Katie.

  Lindsay smiled. Watching the playful banter between her friends caused the sick feeling in her stomach to ease a bit. She was so thankful for her friends. She stepped toward the door but stopped when a hand brushed her shoulder.

  “Lindsay,” Matthew said. “Wait a minute.”

  She faced him and his intense eyes caused her pulse to skitter. “Yes?”

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  She waved off the question and gave a forced laugh. “Oh, ya. My sister and I had a disagreement. You know how it is with siblings sometimes.”

  He continued to frown. “It looked like more than a simple disagreement. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

  She hesitated, worried what he would think about the truth.

  “It’s none of my business.” He reached out to touch her arm but then pulled his hand back. “I was concerned about you.”

  “Danki,” Lindsay said. The genuine caring in his eyes caused her to want to share the truth with him. “It was just the same old issue with her. She doesn’t understand why I want to live here. She thinks I belong with her at school. She’s also convinced that in a few years I’ll regret not finishing high school, going to college, and living among the English.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t think she truly knows who you are.”

  Lindsay studied his expression, wondering what his comment meant. Did Matthew understand her? Did he know who Lindsay truly was on the inside?

  “Matt!” Samuel called from the kitchen. “You’re missing out. These cookies are appeditlich. Lizzie Anne outdid herself.”

  Lizzie Anne laughed. “Lindsay, you’d better hurry up before Samuel eats them all!”

  “I guess we better get inside before they come for us,” Lindsay said.

  Matthew smiled. “They aren’t very subtle.”

  Stepping through the door, Lindsay wondered why Jessica couldn’t see how wonderful it was to be a part of the Kauffman extended family.

  5

  Rebecca stepped over to the sink where Lindsay was scrubbing the dishes. Her niece’s hand moved back and forth with such force that she feared the dish would break in half.

  “Lindsay?” she asked gently. “Are you oka
y?”

  “I’m fine,” Lindsay muttered without making eye contact. “You can go on up to bed. I’ll finish cleaning this up.”

  Rebecca glanced over at her mother-in-law, who was placing the uneaten desserts in a large box. “Do you need any help, Mamm?”

  “Oh no,” Elizabeth said with a smile. “I’m just fine. I think Eli has the horse and buggy hitched. We’re heading out.” She looked toward the sink. “Gut nacht, Lindsay. It was a lovely party. Danki for inviting us.”

  “It would’ve been nice if my sister had stayed to enjoy her own party,” Lindsay snapped as she faced them. She gestured around the room. “I invited everyone we know and many of us worked hard to make food. All of it was for her, and what did she do? She picked a fight with me and then took off. Why do I try to be nice to her? She’s not nice to me.”

  Lindsay’s eyes filled with tears, and Rebecca rushed over to her. “What happened, mei liewe?”

  Shaking her head, Lindsay turned back to the sink.

  “I’m sorry this wasn’t a froh night for you.” Elizabeth gave a sad smile and touched Lindsay’s arm. “What did you and your sister fight about?”

  Tears streamed down Lindsay’s face. “It was awful. She wants me to go to New York with her, and I refused. She said some horrible things, and I did too. I didn’t want to fight with her before she left for New York, but she argued with me and then took off with Jake in his truck.”

  Rebecca came up behind Lindsay and rubbed her back. “You mustn’t let this come between you and your sister. I wish I had kept in closer contact with your mother all those years.”

  “I try, Aenti Rebecca.” Wiping her eyes, Lindsay turned to Rebecca. “But she keeps pushing me. She’s convinced I’m going to look back someday and regret not going to school. She says I’ll think I’ve wasted my life, but I don’t feel that way at all. This is my home now.”

  “Only you can decide where you belong.” Rebecca touched Lindsay’s shoulder. “And you don’t have to stay here because you think it’s what I want for you. You should only worry about what you want. Understand? You don’t need to stay here for me.”

  “This is what I want.” Lindsay faced Elizabeth. “I just don’t understand why this has to be so hard. We lost our parents, but now she wants to argue about what I want for my life. Why does she have to make losing Mom and Dad even more difficult for me? Every time we argue, I feel like we’re hurting Mom or disappointing her. Jessica makes the grief ache even more.”

  Elizabeth cupped a hand to Lindsay’s cheek. “Unfortunately, life isn’t easy, but we find comfort in the Lord. The Bible says, ‘We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.’”

  Rebecca wished she could take away her niece’s pain. “Elizabeth’s right. You’ll always miss your parents, but you have to hold strong to our faith. It will always get you through the rough times.”

  “Ya. You’re right,” Lindsay said.

  Elizabeth kissed Lindsay’s cheek. “I need to go. I’ll see you soon.” She turned to Rebecca. “You take it easy. You look exhausted.”

  Rebecca smiled. Elizabeth was thoughtful and loving, just like her own mother. “Danki. Be safe going home.”

  Elizabeth picked up the box of desserts and started toward the door. “Gut nacht. Sleep well.” She disappeared through the door.

  Lindsay continued washing the dishes while Rebecca cleaned the table and the counter. They worked in silence for a few minutes.

  Once the counter was clean, Rebecca looked back toward her niece, who was working like a robot, washing the dishes, pans, and utensils with swift movements. A scowl twisted up her pretty face.

  Rebecca wished she could read Lindsay’s thoughts and comfort her grief. She sat at the kitchen table and tapped the chair next to her. “Lindsay. Sit with me.”

  Lindsay placed the last dish in the drain. “Do you want me to sweep the floor now or tomorrow?”

  Rebecca tapped the chair again. “Forget the floor. Sit.”

  Lindsay lowered herself into the chair and rested her chin on the palm of her hand.

  “Do you want to talk about your argument with Jessica?”

  Lindsay shrugged. “There really isn’t anything else to say. She’ll never understand me or respect my decision. She’ll always treat me like a child and talk to me as if I’m too uneducated or immature to know what’s right for me.”

  “I know Jessica frustrates you,” Rebecca began, “but you have to realize you can’t change her. You’re going to have to find a way to let her comments go before all of that anger eats you up inside.”

  Lindsay shook her head. “Funny. Katie said something similar.”

  “Katie is very wise.” Rebecca glanced at the clock. “It’s getting late. You should probably head to bed. It’s been a long day.”

  Lindsay frowned. “I’m not ready for bed. I want to wait up for her and ask her why she walked out on her own party.”

  Rebecca shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea to pick a fight with her. She’s leaving tomorrow, so you should make peace with her. She’s your only schweschder, and you love her, ya?”

  Lindsay’s green eyes were determined. “I’m tired of her stubbornness and self-centeredness. She owes me an apology.”

  “But she’s your schweschder, Lindsay,” Rebecca repeated. “The Lord wants us to love each other and live in peace. That’s our way.”

  “I know. I’m just really frustrated.” Lindsay popped up from the table and peeked through the kitchen window above the sink. “Here she comes. Jake’s pickup just pulled up to the barn.”

  Rebecca said a silent prayer, asking God to change her nieces’ hearts toward each other and help them work out their differences before Jessica left in the morning.

  “Looks like they’re having an intense conversation,” Lindsay said, still staring out the window. “I wonder if she told him off too.”

  “Lindsay …” Rebecca said. “That’s not nice.”

  “I know, but she was on a roll today.” Lindsay continued to gaze out the window.

  Rebecca absently folded a stray napkin left on the table. “I saw you talking to Matthew Glick for quite a while in the kitchen. He’s a nice young man, ya?”

  Facing Rebecca, Lindsay’s ivory cheeks flushed a bright pink. “He’s nice. Very nice.”

  “It’s gut how he spends time with Daniel,” Rebecca continued. “I think he sees Daniel sort of as a father figure since his own daed abandoned him.”

  “That makes sense,” Lindsay said.

  “He’s a gut man, Lindsay.” Rebecca smiled. What she wanted to say was that she also thought Matthew was sweet on Lindsay. However, she thought it best to keep that thought to herself for the time being.

  “He is.” Lindsay turned back to the window. “We’re just friends.”

  The back door opened and then slammed shut, revealing Daniel, who had been taking care of the animals. He kicked off his boots and tossed his straw hat onto the peg by the back door. “Jessica is out back talking to Jake.” He crossed the kitchen and kissed Rebecca’s head. “You look worn out, Becky. Are you feeling all right?”

  Cupping her hand to her mouth, she yawned and smiled. “I’m tired but doing fine, danki.”

  Daniel looked skeptical. “I think you need more rest. Come up to bed.”

  “I’ll be up in a bit,” she said, gazing up at him. “I want to speak to Jessica when she comes in. She’s leaving tomorrow, and we haven’t had much time to talk.”

  “If she’d stayed at the party …” Lindsay began.

  “Don’t stay up too late,” he warned. “I’ll be down to get you if you’re not up after my shower.”

  “Okay.” Rebecca smiled at him before he headed toward the stairs. She glanced back at Lindsay, who was studying the scene out the window. Rebecca wanted to speak with Jessica, but she also wanted to be sure that the girls didn’t get into another emotional argum
ent. Her plan was to diffuse any bickering before it escalated, as her own mother had tried to do when she and Grace were young.

  “Here she comes,” Lindsay said from the window. “She’s not smiling.”

  The back door opened and closed, and Jessica walked into the kitchen, her pretty face turned down in a frown and her eyes red and puffy.

  Rebecca stood. “Are you all right, Jessica?”

  “Where have you been?” Lindsay asked while standing hands on hips in front of her sister. “Didn’t you remember that this party was for you? I can’t believe you just took off and missed nearly the whole night. Do you realize how thoughtless that is?”

  “Whoa!” Jessica held her hands up. “If I’d known I was going to get the third degree, then I would’ve found somewhere else to stay tonight.”

  “That’s not necessary,” Rebecca said. “You’re family and always welcome here.” She sat and pointed to the chair across from her. “Sit and tell us what happened, Jessica.” She motioned for Lindsay to sit also.

  “This better be good,” Lindsay snapped, dropping into the chair next to Rebecca.

  Rebecca shot her a warning glance, and Lindsay’s expression softened. “Now, Jessica,” Rebecca began, “please tell us why you’re so upset.”

  “Jake and I had a terrible argument.” Her voice was thick.

  Rebecca reached over and took Jessica’s hand in hers. “What happened?”

  Jessica cleared her throat. “We talked, and Jake said that he feels like he holds me back. He said that we’re from different worlds and want different things out of life. He said that he’s tired of waiting for me and he thinks we’re stuck in one place in our friendship. He said that we should remain friends but go our separate ways.”

  Tears spilled from Jessica’s eyes, and Rebecca handed her the napkin she’d been folding and unfolding. “Oh, dear. I’m so sorry.” She glanced at Lindsay who looked sympathetic. “Would you please get your schweschder a glass of water?”

  Lindsay jumped up and rushed to the sink.

  Rebecca patted Jessica’s hand. “I know it hurts, Jessica, but maybe you can work things out when you get back from New York.”