The Feeder

by Gayle Siebert

  “That would be a last resort.”

  “But…”

  He holds up his hand and snarls, “no buts! End of discussion.”

  I’ll have to wait for another opportunity to bring up the subject of the tv box and surfing the net on the big screen. This is definitely not the time, not with all the crazy thoughts that must be stewing in his head. Besides, I’m sure he’d realize that I’d be able to go online too. He’s already taken my iPhone away to stop that. I feel my shoulders droop as I realize it’s a non-starter.

  Then I let my mind roll back over everything Lita said. That Derek lies. Maybe it’s Lita that’s lying. But she knew about the condom thing. She knew exactly what Derek said about that. And she reminded me he kept coming around after they split. If he dumped her, would he do that? But he said he was falling in love with me.

  He didn’t have to come around. He could’ve phoned to ask me for a date.

  It hits me with the force of a charging bull: Derek is liar and he’s been lying to me for a long time. Worse, he believes his own lies. And I’ve let him get away with it all these years.

  He’s right. I am a dummy.

  Fifteen

  Lita

  “LIKE I TOLD YOU, Derek is a jerk. He actually said the upholstery in the boat was due for an update?”

  “That he did. Well, not in those words, exactly,” Nullah says. “The way he put it was, his boat isn’t second hand like mine so the upholstery isn’t dated. I guess he’s so well-fixed he doesn’t mind pissing away thousands of dollars on depreciation.”

  “Remember when your nose was out of joint because I didn’t take you to dinner at their place? I warned you.”

  “My nose wasn’t out of joint,” he says. “I just thought it was weird.”

  “To-may-to, to-maaw-to.”

  “Okay, maybe I was a little miffed,” he allows, his dark brows drawing together in a frown. “Well, anyway, you were right. Finn was right. He’s definitely an asshole and not someone I want to spend any time with. I hope the P.I. that’s checking into the guy comes up with a reason to drop him from the list.”

  “Why isn’t it enough that you both dislike him?”

  He shrugs. “I guess because he ticks all the boxes. Finn’s really cautious. Doesn’t want another lawsuit alleging discriminatory hiring practices.”

  “I don’t think a white male could make a claim like that. You’re allowed to hire who you want, so long as you don’t say you hired someone younger or who isn’t gay or something like that.”

  “You’re probably right. I’ll call Finn and let him know he can tell the PI to down tools because I met the guy and don’t like him. I’m the one that lives here. I’m the one who would have to interact with him.”

  “Right.”

  “And that trip to Bute Inlet? We’ll be leaving without telling him.”

  “I’m with you,” I sigh. “But at least the food was good today. My salad was, anyway. How were your ribs?”

  “As good as always.”

  “I don’t think Carly enjoyed her fish, going by how she poked away at it. I doubt she enjoyed anything about the lunch, for that matter. She looked embarrassed when Derek was telling you how much better he is than the other lawyers in his firm. But lunch wasn’t a complete bust. At least I found out why she’d been giving me the cold shoulder. That asshole told her I tried to kiss him.”

  “What?” His dark eyes flash.

  Although he agreed I did a fine of job driving the boat to the pub, the wind has come up and the chop is getting rougher so I’m on the bench waiting for the Gravol to kick in and Nullah is at the helm. He shakes his head as he looks at me and says, “we should’ve offered them a ride back to town so they didn’t have to wait for the ferry, and then I could toss the prick overboard.”

  “You realize you’ve suggested throwing him overboard before? Is that your solution for everyone who pisses you off?”

  “Naw, just the assholes who really deserve it.” He blows out a long breath. “Talk about full of himself! My god, he really thinks the sun shines out of his asshole, doesn’t he? I was glad you came up with the excuse that we were meeting another friend over on Mudge Island so we didn’t have to spend more time with them. I’ve had more than enough of him, anyway. If you want to visit, go ahead without me.”

  “Carly’s okay. At least usually, when he’s not around.”

  “Yeah. Too bad he dominated the conversation. It’s obvious he was the push behind us getting together. You were right.”

  “I’m worried about her. You should’ve seen the look on her face when she saw Derek watching us from the boat. You know, it’s the first time in years he’s left the two of us alone. Almost like he never wants to give us a chance for girl talk. You know, no chance for intimacy. I don’t know what that black look was about but I really got a sense that she’s afraid of him.”

  “You think he gets physical?”

  “Maybe. He slapped me once. She’s browbeaten if nothing else. There’s no other reason for her to react the way she did just because he was looking at us. And she said he wouldn’t like her calling me. That’s why I made such a point about the two of us getting together for lunch this week. He can’t put a kibosh in it now, not without offending you. He always was a controlling bastard, and him lying about me trying to kiss him! Eeew! Just the thought makes me want to hurl. I don’t know what’s going on between them, but it’s been years since she had her own car, so she’s stuck out there day in day out. It’s as if she’s under house arrest.”

  “So, he doesn’t like it when she calls you. She could call when he’s not around.”

  “I don’t know if it works like that. I don’t know if she would dare do something that he disapproved of. Would you believe he checks her phone to see who she’s been calling?”

  “Really? What a sick fuck! She needs to tell him to fuck the hell off.”

  “Yeah, she does, but she won’t.”

  “Why would anyone put up with that?”

  “I know, hey? It’s hard to understand his hold over her. He always was the dominant one in their relationship but now it’s like he’s her jailer.”

  “I’m having a hard time imagining the two of you together.

  “You mean me and Derek?”

  “Well, that too, but I was thinking of you and Carly.”

  “She was the quiet one, that’s true. I guess she usually just went along with whatever I wanted, but we had lots of fun together. We used to party like demons and she always joined in what ever we were doing. She’d never sit there like a bump on a log like she did today. If she had enough to drink, she could even get pretty risqué.”

  “That would be a different Carly from the one I just met,” Nullah agrees. “I suppose if he thinks you encourage her to stand up to him, he won’t be happy about her connecting with you.”

  “That’s probably it. But now he can’t object to her meeting me for lunch this week. Not with you there to witness the fact she agreed to it. And maybe she’ll be different when it’s just the two of us.”

  “I bet he’ll coach her. Tell her what to say. Maybe get her to remind you that he’s the smartest lawyer on Vancouver Island and possibly even in the world. His arm must ache from patting himself on the back. Argghh! I see why Finn said he wouldn’t buy a used car from the smarmy bastard.”

  “Jeez, from the look on your face I wouldn’t have guessed you felt that way.”

  Nullah gives me such a shocked look I laugh, stand and kiss his ear. “I’m teasing. You were fine. I’m sure Carly liked you a lot. And I’m sure she realizes her husband doesn’t measure up.”

  He loops an arm around me and gives me a squeeze and a quick kiss, but then releases me so he can have both hands on the helm. “You should sit back down,” he says, and cuts the motor as we approach the channel marker at the entrance to the marina. “I wonder if you should get involved with those two. She has to grow some balls and stand up for herself.”

  “
I think that’s awfully difficult. Maybe having a friend on her side would help her do that.”

  “I wonder… She admitted he wanted this lunch because he thought it would help him, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You don’t think he’ll blame her when we tell him he’s not going to get it?”

  “Oh! I hadn’t thought of that. If he does… if he is an abuser… what if he hurts her?”

  “Hmm.”

  “Maybe you could let him down easy.”

  “How to you sugar coat we think you’re a fuckin’ asshole and we wouldn’t want you if you were the last lawyer on earth?”

  “I don’t know,” I admit.

  Nullah pulls past the entrance to his boat house, puts the engines in reverse, I put out the bumpers, and he neatly swings the boat around to back in. I take the aft mooring rope and jump out. Nullah follows, fixes the mooring ropes to the cleats, and closes the boat house doors.

  As we’re walking back up the wharf and through the gate to the parking lot, he says, “so. What if I just told him we’d re-assessed our needs and instead of putting someone on retainer, we were hiring someone in-house. Finn said Derek made a comment about you being an in-house lawyer for an insurance company. Like it’s a good gig for a lawyer who can’t make it in private practice. He’d lose too much face to show interest in that.”

  “What? He dissed me like that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And you’re only mentioning it now?”

  “Yeah, thought I’d tell you now, because you’re starting to like him too much.”

  I stop him by grabbing his arm and turning him to face me. He’s got that silly grin that tells me he’s teasing. I reach my arms around him for a hug. His hands drop to my hips and he pulls me up tight against him for a lingering, passionate kiss.

  A man down on the wharf yells, “get a room, you two!”

  Nullah releases me, looks around, grins and lifts a hand in acknowledgement, calling out, “hey, Benson! You jealous?”

  He takes my hand and we continue through the parking lot to his truck. As we’re driving away, he says, “by the way, that fart story? I guess you came up with that because of Carly’s reaction when she saw the look on his face, watching you through the window. But a story about you farting? That was the best you could do? Maybe you could’ve said it was that joke you like to tell about the penguins going to the zoo. Or Tarzan and his penis transplant.”

  “I, er, it was just the first thing that came to me. My old jokes aren’t funny enough we’d laugh our heads off and Carly’s heard them a dozen times. Besides, I didn’t think of it. I had to come up with something funny in a hurry and farts are always funny.”

  “To some people, anyway.”

  “Naww, everyone thinks farts are funny,” I insist. “But you didn’t have to add your bit about how long and loud it was. And how stinky.”

  “I didn’t know why you were lying, but I figured I could do my bit.”

  “You’re a lot more devious than I thought, and very quick on the uptake.”

  “Chili-scented farts, eh? Seriously?”

  “Want me to prove it?”

  “No, I’ll take your word for it. I’m going to make sure I’m out of range if you ever have to bend over to get your croc out from under the step, though.”

  I study his strong jaw, the bulk of his bicep, the muscular thigh in his jeans. He glances my way, sees me devouring him with my eyes, and grins. I feel a stirring and wonder how long my desire—no, my unquenchable need—for this man will last. Forever, I hope. But I know that’s unrealistic. Even if it doesn’t, I’m beginning to think I might still love him once the shine wears off.

  Sixteen

  Carly

  DEREK HAS BEEN super nice all week. He’s spent time with me. Even helped clearing the table after dinner once. I think he did that just so he could tell me what he wants me to say to Lita at lunch, for the tenth time. He’s ready to leave for work now but comes into the kitchen where I’m clearing away breakfast things, to go over it all again.

  “Be sure and tell her I had to take eight courses before I could even article in Canada.”

  “She was there when you told Nullah that.”

  “I know!” he snaps. “Tell her again.”

  “I will.”

  “And tell her Jackson, Lambert and Duffy had their choice of articling students and chose me.”

  “Yes.”

  “And mention I was instrumental in the successful IMF Mills takeover last year.”

  “I haven’t forgotten.”

  “And remember, there’s no other lawyer in town… No, not even Victoria or Vancouver, that had to take all those courses or that could’ve aced them like I did.”

  “Derek, you told me all this just last night.” I take a quick breath. Did I actually say that out loud? I must have, because a frown crosses his face and he clenches a fist. I shrink away from him. Is he going to hit me when I’m meeting Lita for lunch in a couple of hours?

  Apparently he’s decided being nice is a better approach. The black look melts away and he comes to pull me into his arms for one of the nicest ever hugs. Gentle. Snuggly. When he releases me, he cups my shoulders and gives them a quick massage.

  “I know I’m making a big thing of this, honey,” he says, “but it’s really important to me. To us! To our future! You know that bastard Duffy got credit for the last big account that came in, after I did all the grunt work setting it up.”

  “I know.”

  “Be sure and tell her that, too. Those bastards let me do all the dog’s work and never give me credit. They haven’t even been assigning the new work that comes in fairly. I’ve got bills to pay and a family to support, too. Do they think of that? No. They yammer on about billable hours. The other guys log more billable hours. Well, yeah! Assign me more of the new work coming in, then.”

  I nod. I’ve heard all these complaints many times before, but oddly, I’ve never realized how whiny he sounds. I’ve never noticed his weak chin before, either.

  “Don’t you dare tell them that last bit! That’s between you and me.”

  “Of course.”

  He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, opens it, and digs out several bills. “Here,” he says, tossing the money on the counter. “Don’t use your debit card. Be sure and leave a generous tip and make sure Lita sees that you do.” His eyes are so intense I have to look away. “Actually, better yet, pay for her lunch, too.” He adds more bills to the pile. “That’s more than enough, Carly, but don’t think you can keep the change. Be sure to keep the bill. I’m going to want to check it.” He heads to the door, opens it, and turns back to say, “call me right after lunch. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I agree.

  “If you screw this up, Carly, you won’t be happy.”

  “I won’t screw it up,” I promise.

  When he’s finally gone, I heave a sigh. I won’t be happy even if I don’t screw it up. It’s been months since I was happy. I realize despite my mental pep talks about how lucky I am, it’s actually been years. But that’s not what he means.

  I toy with the money he left, pick it up and count it, calculating there likely won’t be more than a few dollars after I pay for two lunches with drinks and a tip and god knows Carly doesn’t even need that! Aside from that, buying lunch is an asinine, show-off thing to do. Lita and I always went Dutch. It won’t feel right: me, acting like a big shot when I don’t even have a job just to impress my friend who not only has a job, but a steady, good-paying one. A cloud of despondency settles over me.

  I pour myself another cup of coffee and collapse onto a chair at the table even though there are still breakfast things to be put away. He’s counting on me? Does he really think I can deliver the retainer for him because of a friendship he torpedoed only a short while ago? Does Lita really have that much sway with Nullah and Finn, their company? And if she does, is it even remotely possible she would endorse Derek, someone she called manipulative
and a pig, and whom she said she could barely tolerate? No. If they don’t choose Derek, will he blame the failure on me? Yes. It may make putting the navy socks in the wrong area of the drawer seem like a minor failing. No obvious marks, but there was blood in my urine for weeks after that.

  Maybe if I told Lita that Derek will blame me if Nullah’s company doesn’t give him the retainer. I know what she’d say: He blames you? So what? He’ll get over it. Maybe if I told her I’d get a beating if he blamed me…

  Obviously I can’t do that. She’s so strong she’d never put up with that! She wouldn’t understand it and would realize what a total nothing I really am.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and try to fend off the enveloping sense of doom. I wonder if I should go and get Jennifer out of school, and run. But where would I go? I wouldn’t get far in a cab. I have no money and no credit cards. I have a debit card but it’s only good for the grocery account. Since my pay from the café doesn’t go into it anymore, Derek transfers money into it from his account on the first of every month. He’s so secretive about our finances I never even know how much money there is. He’s told me there’s enough in that one account my card can access for a month’s groceries, but that’s all. So it probably isn’t even a thousand dollars. Even if he didn’t empty that as soon as he knew we were gone, it wouldn’t get us very far.

  How did it come to this? How did I let it come to this? It developed gradually and I guess I knew it was happening, but I’ve never really examined my situation or looked at myself through Lita’s eyes before.

  I have that detective’s card hidden away under the lining behind the little mirror in my jewellery box. I could call her. Maybe she could get Jennifer and me into that women’s shelter, at least until things could be sorted out with Derek. But Jennifer would phone her dad the minute she had a chance. I think those women’s shelters are pretty secure against husbands trying to get in, but if Jennifer wanted to sneak out and meet her dad? She could probably do it. Derek might think I’m oblivious to all the snide little comments about me he and Jennifer have shared, but I’m not. He’s deliberately alienated her. I know that. I just haven’t known what to do about it. If I call him on it, or call him on anything for that matter, he gets so mad it scares me. Coward that I am, I’ve quit arguing with him. A mistake, I know, and now it’s too late. Separating from him would surely mean losing her, too.