I’m in a foul mood! I feel old.
*Smudges* again causing problems. More money demanded G's reputation at risk. Green (my solicitor) brought the information just as I was leaving, making me late. F had the solution. W to be pressed into a commission in the militia. Finally that bastard will have discipline imposed upon him, although too little too late! Surely father’s desire for me to help W has been fulfilled!. Father allowed W too much latitude that resulted in W’s avarice. W should have grown up the same as the others of his station. Now he goes around acting like he's my equal. He’s not my equal, never has been! He doesn’t apply himself but looks for the next easy thing. W always grasping and won’t work for success.
Back to G, I need to do my best for her. F and I have tried for four years. She went to the best schools, but she’s made few friends! Was it Ramsgate itself or Mrs Younge, in particular, that was wrong? I should’ve checked Mrs Y’s references.
I should have gone to Ramsgate with G, but I thought spring planting more important. The farms needed to be straightened out. The maps are out of date and the boundary markers have become markedly worn. Disputes are arising between tenants as to where their boundaries are. I suppose I could have left Holmes (my steward) to do it. G needed me. How did I not know? I must have missed some clues. G should have written and asked my advice. She didn’t! Why not? I did not know G needed me.
She shouldn't have had to ask! I failed! Badly! F could not be there. He was obliged to be with his regiment, training to go fight the Corsican fiend! I am her closest relative. She should not be with strangers, but with me. Why did F and I create her separate little establishment rather than keeping her with me? She should be where I am. Father would have kept her at home.
Truth is that neither F nor I were ready to raise a child. We’d barely left childhood ourselves! We should be should be finding the right woman to love, not raising a child! Father should still be here. These are his responsibilities! Most who I went to University with are still waiting for their inheritances. It’s NOT right or fair! I miss mother and father. I wish mother and father were here to advise me.
I won’t repine the past! G must enter society either this or next year. She’s 15. Aunt ____ helps, but I don't know what the best thing to do for her is. I know I don’t hold the entire blame for what happened, but it feels like I do.
Hertfordshire: There’s an assembly tonight at Meryton.
I really should not go! If at home, I’d just sit in my library, book in hand. I need to relax. Instead, I’ll strain my brain trying to make a good impression. Bingley, the social creature he is, won’t let me stay home and cannot understand my struggles with strangers and society. He’s lost when alone. I thrive alone. When socialising I feel disconnected and have to force a semblance of enjoyment during a torturous evening. By nature, I am a loner who chooses only very select people around me. Few do I ever feel connected to and comfortable with. Oh, that tonight I might stay back. I am so tired already. Tired and lost.
I cannot go out tonight! There’s only one thing could send me out tonight. Miss Viper Bingley! That bitch is entirely negative, and a bloody leech who’d do anything to be my wife! I'd rather avoid that snake! I wouldn’t even trust a lock on the library door and a set of stairs straight to my apartments! Miss Bingley would find a way to pester me! Ugh! That would be such a travesty! She’d destroy everything I’ve done or built within a month!
Ugh! All she’d accomplish would be her own ruin! I’d be more inclined to be dishonourable! I’ll NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER marry her! I’d marry Anne first. (Nauseating thought).
This is the worst time to go out! I’ll struggle more and offend most.
Worried over G, concerned about W, tired from arriving in Hertfordshire, yet I’ve just arrived at Netherfield, where I’ll be forced to do the last thing in the world I wish to do. Therefore it's Once more unto the breach, dear Friends.
Chapter 8
No Spring, nor Summer beauty hath such grace, As I have seen in one Autumnal face. John Donne. The Autumnal.
Extract from the Journal of Fitzwilliam Darcy 5th October 1811:
My predictions of Miss Bingley's behaviour were surpassed. Wretched, wretched mistake to have come into Hertfordshire today! I just knew things were going to go wrong. What is wrong with me? Idiot!
I arrived at Netherfield this evening with barely enough time to change and for us to get to the ball on time, which was bad enough, but I walked in on Miss Bingley saying I would be tired and should not go to the ball. She proposed to stay at Netherfield to keep me company. My immediate reaction to that was fuck, NO! I would not be alone in a house with Miss Bingley at any cost! I had to demand to go to that wretched ball! Oh, that I had sent a note and postponed my arrival until Monday! Bingley insisted Miss B go to the ball with him. The only way that argument was going to result in me NOT being alone with her was for me to go to the ball. I felt manipulated and deflated. Bingley got what he wanted, simply by my wish to avoid his bitch of a sister! That is NOT fair! Ugh! The night just went downhill from there.
Miss Bingley did everything she could to make us even later. She complained about every rotation of the carriage wheels. Things were going to be boring; she was not going to enjoy it. The people would be obnoxious; the rooms would be drab and dull. My eyes hurt from rolling them so much; her whining gave me a headache. We would have managed to be on time for the first set had Miss Bingley not chosen to spend nearly 30 mins adjusting her dress and turban.
Bingley and I shook our heads and wandered off to look at the town's shop windows. Monday morning I must make a trip to the bookstore, which has some books I want. These particular books have been sold out at Hatchard's for months. Not even my being an earl's nephew/grandson can make a difference as to when I’ll get my books. Oh well, this quaint little town has the books I desire, and I intend to buy them.
Joining the group once more, Miss Bingley was finally ready, and we entered the assembly rooms just before the second set began. We were introduced to the principal families as a group and Bingley immediately made himself one of them. I took myself off to a corner; I did not want to be there. I knew in my heart that if any of them knew what G had done, I would be excluded from their society. The thought of that possessed me.
The moment I stepped into the ballroom something significant happened. I saw the most intriguing woman I have ever seen. She is not classically beautiful, but there is a degree of beauty in her face. If I were to apply two words about her they would be "handsome" and "attractive". She has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Such joy and intelligence! I did not catch her name, and that I regret!
Alas, she overheard my ridiculousness. Bloody Bingley! He would not leave me alone and pressed me to dance. I think it was my mystery woman who was his pawn. By that point, I had become almost obsessed.
I always struggle with meeting new people. I cannot catch their conversation tones. That is, I cannot easily understand what they want from me unless they actually say specific words. Often I have been accused of not trying to improve my social skills. Bingley doesn't understand that I need more time than he does to interact. If rushed, I offend, unintentionally, but I do offend. I say things that either sound ridiculous or out of place. That's why I used to stutter. I hated myself for that, and things have not improved much, although I no longer stutter. Back to the young woman.
The moment I saw her my old fears came back. Learning not to care about what others thought about me was one of my hardest challenges. This woman’s different. I want her good opinion. It matters what she thinks of me. I cannot force myself not to care about what she thinks of me! I want her to like me. For the first time in my adult life, a woman has the power to destroy me! I am more vulnerable than I've been in my life. I deliberately didn't want to dance or interact with people today, knowing my shortcomings.
Thus, when Bingley pushed me to dance, and I forgot to censor my thoughts. So many thoughts were compounding: worry about the whole G/W problem
, staying out of the way, that I hadn't noticed even how many gentlemen were in the room. I blurted some ridiculous thing about the woman not being handsome enough to tempt me, and that other man slighting her. Ridiculous idiot!
The truth why I did not want to interact with her? I was scared! Scared I'd offend or hurt her. I was scared that once she finds out about G, she would despise me. I was scared… scared of everything going wrong. It did! I so wanted her to think well of me, and I swear I hurt her. Her response? She laughed at my ridiculousness, but something in her eyes registered hurt. I also overheard an awful woman expounding how I am the proudest and rudest man. I guess yet again I failed; I just have to hope that the young lady doesn't hate me.
Chapter 9
In Politics, what begins in fear usually ends in failure - Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
14th October 1811
Goodness, this week is awful, how is it that it just seems like one long blur?! Every night there’s dinner parties and every night I am aware that Georgiana’s behaviour could have removed us from polite society. Not to mention that I seem to feel even more and more lonely. Ugh! So many dinner parties just morph into one endless night.
There was a glimmer hope that appeared towards the end of the week. Darcy and Bingley appeared to become almost intimate acquaintances with the Bennet family. Only the eldest Miss Bennets: Jane and Elizabeth are worth knowing, but their society or more especially Miss Elizabeth's society makes it worth putting up with the vulgarity of the mother and younger sisters. Her Father - I don’t know well enough to make my mind up about him. However, I’ve now come to know that it was Miss Elizabeth that I was so ridiculous about. The more Darcy and Bingley came to know the Bennet family, the more intrigued he became with Miss Elizabeth. Elizabeth’s eyes held such intelligence. Nothing unusual that it showed in her eyes, no it was her sex that made it unusual. Darcy guessed for intelligence to shine forth so much she must be well read and more widely educated than the norm. I don’t understand how I have become dependant on seeing Miss Elizabeth at the social functions to survive, but it is only seeing her that makes it all bearable.
As per the habit, he had developed Darcy didn’t discuss the evolution of his emotions with anyone, nor the fears that came with them due to his uncertainty. Rather he locked them away and resorted to his habit of listening to find out more about those around him. He heard of the Longbourne entailment, but it didn’t register in his mind.
Why had her father not regularly put aside a small amount to increase the girls' dowries? Five girls, no boys, an estate entailed away from the female line. Why would a father not look after his daughters better so as to induce better matches for them? I like her, but does she fit what my ideal woman would be? Character wise? Yes but connections and fortune? No. I do not yet know what her connections are, and good connections are imperative. She has no dowry and her father has slight lapses in judgement that could likely be overlooked, but her mother! Oh no! I could never have such a woman as my mother-in-law! Miss Elizabeth is witty, and she's intelligent, but with such relations surely something about her behaviour cannot be above reproach. She would be a disgrace to Pemberley and the Darcy name. Besides, I cannot even say what I feel for her. I do not know her yet. No, based on what I know so far, this woman is not for me even though I like her company. I am in control of my destiny, and SHE is not part of it. Perhaps I'll learn more about her at dinner this evening when I'll see more of her.
Darcy sighed. Once again found himself having a bath and putting on his best evening suit to go out for yet another dinner party. A party where Bingley would be fawned upon and Darcy would find himself snubbed and ignored. Another evening where he would feel the loneliness that was becoming acuter.
"Whatever takes you so long to get ready?" asked Bingley as he entered the drawing room where they had agreed to have a drink before setting out.
“You know I like to look good," responded Darcy nonchalantly.
“You never used to take this long before!" said Bingley, and, before he thought what he was saying, added: "I do believe that there's a young lady in the mix here."
"No Bingley, you would be completely wrong," lied Darcy. Miss Bingley said nothing hoping she was beginning to make a good impression Darcy. The carriage was ready for them, and drinks consumed, they made their way out the front door, quietly.
Tonight they were dining with the Lucas family. Sir William Lucas had made his fortune in trade, however, while he was mayor of Meryton Sir William had caught the attention of the King. He had been knighted for his services and had left his trade behind him. His eldest daughter was a sensible woman named Charlotte, who was seven and twenty, and it seemed to Darcy that she was Elizabeth's best friend. Whenever he saw her, she appeared to be with Elizabeth, sometimes almost conspiratorially. Once more Darcy expected to see the two together.
Upon arrival, they found that the rumoured militia had arrived. The young in attendance needed to release their excess energy, consequently, before dinner, there would be a little dancing. Darcy found that he was not averse to dancing this evening. However, he still felt fearful of interacting with those around him. Leaning against the mantelpiece, his eyes scanned the room for the only person he wanted and the one he feared most to talk to, for fear of giving offence and hurting her.
Mrs Bennet’s loud voice caught his attention. She declared to Mrs Lucas that she really could not imagine why Mr Bingley insisted on bringing along his friend who did nothing but give offence. She started up about how well settled she hoped that her eldest daughter would be.
Darcy groaned. This has to be the worst visit I've made in a very long time. I really should have stayed at home.
Hearing Mrs Bennet made Darcy reluctant to talk to anybody in the room. However courtesy and good breeding meant that he could not be silent all evening, no matter how fearful he was. The next person who caught his eye though was the very person he wished to see. She was engaged in a conversation with the newly arrived Colonel Forster of the regiment. She expressed herself excellently on the war in France and asked the colonel in her cheeky tone if he were here to subdue the discontented population or to subdue the French. It seemed to Darcy that she was much better informed than even some of his friends at the club, and that should Colonel Fitzwilliam ever meet her the two of them would get on well. No! I don’t want her meeting Fitzwilliam. Jealousy had just punched Darcy in the gut, despite the fact Miss Elizabeth was unlikely to even meet the Colonel.
The conversation with Colonel Forster showed him that maybe Miss Elizabeth was the exception he sought. This made him slightly uncomfortable. If I am wrong about her, maybe I have misread other women of my acquaintance.
Just as Darcy was about to hazard a conversation, Miss Elizabeth immediately started talking to her friend Miss Lucas and Sir William Lucas appeared at Darcy's side and started a very strange monologue about dancing, which Darcy didn’t pay any attention to. It seemed strangely coincidental that just then Miss Elizabeth looked in the direction of her two youngest sisters, who were dancing. Darcy wondered why they were even out in society while the eldest two were still unmarried. The middle girl, Mary, had acquired some skill with the pianoforte, but her performances could only be described as unfortunate.
Each of the younger sisters is exposing herself and her family dreadfully, why do the Mother and Father not do something?
Suddenly Elizabeth crossed the room, intent on some errand or another. Then the unthinkable happened! Sir Lucas seized her hand and tried to give it to Darcy, promoting her as a splendid dance partner. But she refused! Darcy had been so distracted he had not expected a refusal.
What a charming refusal, Why would did she refuse me? Why wouldn't she wish to dance? She has certainly not danced this evening. Oh but those eyes! Such hidden depths, such beauty in them. The woman behind those eyes is an enigma, and her eyes are so beautiful. What I would give to wake up to see those eyes beside me. To see her beside me. Oh, what bliss that would be!
&
nbsp; Darcy couldn't quite make Miss Elizabeth out and had not quite realised where his thoughts were taking him, until the thought of waking up beside her. He blushed and hoped that no one had noticed him lost in his improper thoughts.
This woman teased him, yet she appeared to avoid him. Darcy was surprised as the evening was not generally one for dancing. "Miss Bennet, I would be highly gratified if you would dance with me." Darcy was curiously eager to apply for her hand; he was bemused that for the first time in his life he had to beg a partner to dance with him. However, she had so earnestly declined he had to suffer the rejection.
Oh, Miss Elizabeth what bliss do your eyes promise me? Could there be a way around the impediments of your birth and fortune? A man could drown in those chocolate brown eyes of yours.
At this point, Miss Bingley sidled up to him, "I believe I can guess your thoughts at this moment."
Darcy blushed “I should imagine not,” he replied contentedly. Indeed, I hope not. My thoughts are not only private but they're going somewhere I NEVER want you to share. The thought of Miss Bingley approaching where he had been imagining Miss Elizabeth made him want to shudder.
"You are thinking how insupportable it would be to spend many evenings in such tedious company."
What this again? You only find the company so boring because you do not read, and you won't inform yourself even of current events. You are an ignorant harpy who is content to stay such.
"No, indeed, my mind was more agreeably engaged. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure a pair of very fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow." Miss Bingley preened. She wasn't quite sure as to what made a pair of eyes so unique, especially not her brilliant blue eyes. She would, however, take the compliment, all the same, so she asked who's eyes he was contemplating and once he told her, jealousy loosed her tongue and she ran on and on about how charming Miss Elizabeths mother was.
1811-1812 How It All Began- Part 1 Page 5