At this moment he thought that he was safe and that he was nowhere near in love. He could not explain to himself the reason that when they left the dinner party, there was a constriction in his chest for the loneliness he had been feeling seemed to have increased again.
My Dear Georgiana,
As you know, Bingley took the house in Hertfordshire. Life here is not fashionable, and the people are generally crude and vulgar. However, I have met an attractive young woman. I can see you laughing at me – don't! This girl is accomplished in the ordinary way of things, yet there is something more about her that draws me to her.
Her name is Miss Elizabeth Bennet. Her father is a lazy man, who although not perfect, still, manages to hold onto some semblance of being a gentleman. Her mother, though, is such a rude woman. Even if that were the only objection, Miss Elizabeth and her sisters would find themselves having trouble finding a man who would take them on.
Miss Elizabeth has four sisters, one older than herself called Jane, and three younger than herself in age order Mary, Catherine (Kitty to her family and close friends) and Lydia. Lydia is fifteen and a most determined vulgar flirt. She influences Catherine and the two expose themselves and their family to ridicule. You should have seen them running about, shrieking and giggling at a dinner party we attended tonight. Mary is a plain girl who thinks of herself as being the most accomplished girl in the room. Her singing disturbed not only me; neighbourhood dogs outdoors howled as she sang. While her mother tapped her toes in time to the music only politeness kept me in my seat when she performed.
Miss Jane and Miss Elizabeth manage somehow to keep themselves out of the vulgarity of their family. I wonder how they do it! They certainly didn't have a good example from their mother!
Back to Miss Elizabeth. She is not handsome in the traditional way, for she has not one elegant feature in her face, her eyes are just so intelligent and beautiful. She somehow has become the most important person in the world to me (you are my sister, so you too are one of the most important people in my life, but this is different). Every dinner party, every dance that I attend I find myself looking for her face, and wondering if she'll be there. I cannot explain it.
The family has no particular connections. The father cannot give the daughters an inheritance because the estate is entailed away from the female line thereby leaving their mother's five thousand pound fortune to be divided between the girls upon her death. One thousand pounds is all each daughter will have to her name, leaving her with only fifty pounds a year. I don't understand how they are being kept in hat pins and new dresses, but they are well dressed although probably not in the latest fashions or most expensive fabrics.
Georgiana, I am even more determined than ever that I will remain a bachelor for Miss Elizabeth is the only woman of my acquaintance who has managed to pull my interest, and yet she is not only what one would call unsuitable, but I know that if Mother and Father were alive they would forbid the match! No, Georgiana, I cannot even contemplate allowing myself to fall in love with her. It is just too unsuitable a match.
Her eldest sister, Jane, is a very sweet quiet girl who smiles too much, but the wonder is that she is genuine and very refined, just as she is. Bingley seems to be attracted to Jane Bennet. I am a little worried about where this is going for him, but as yet I do not detect any signs of attraction on Miss Jane's side so maybe Bingley will, as usual, lose interest or something. I don't know, but I'm not aware that it's anything too serious. Do not worry about me Georgiana for I am quite safe and will not allow Bingley to disgrace himself or the girl, either.
How are your studies going? Are you all right? Thank you for your design for a little table, it looks lovely.
I promise to come and see you soon,
Your loving brother,
Fitzwilliam.
Chapter 10
A perfect Woman, nobly plann’d, To warn, to comfort, and command; And yet a Spirit still, and bright With something of an angel light. William Wordsworth, She was a Phantom of Delight.
5th November 1811: Extract from the Diary of Fitzwilliam Darcy.
Bingley, Hurst and I spent our day socialising with the officers, which resulted in our dining with them this evening. Miss Bingley decided to invite Miss Bennet to join her and Mrs Hurst for tea.
I really must wonder what on earth goes on in the mind of the Bennet matriarch! Miss Bennet was sent over on horseback, which resulted in her being caught in a violent rainstorm - one I might add that we only just missed getting caught in ourselves. Soaked to the bone, Miss Bennet was left to shiver by Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst next to a fire. If Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst were my sisters I would be quite ashamed of them! Anyway, the two bitches quizzed her on her connections before the poor girl succumbed to the cold and became feverish and unwell. By the time we arrived back at Netherfield the young woman was already installed in a guest room above stairs.
I have to wonder what the mother had been thinking, sending the girl over on a horse when the weather was so bad? After all, you see hours earlier that the rain was on the horizon. Did the mother not realise that is when people are most likely to become sick? Why didn't they send her in the carriage like others of her station? Surely she could not have done this deliberately?!
6th November 1811
Miss Bennet was worse this morning and so Bingley insisted on calling for the doctor, and Miss Bennet wisely sent a note to Longbourne to say she was unwell. One would have expected her mother to come hurrying over. Colds can, after all, be dangerous! Bingley lost his father two years ago to a cold and panicked when the doctor stated that Miss Bennet is sick with a cold. However, there was no sign of her mother at all today! How can a mother leave her daughter alone in a strange person without so much as a note?
Miss Elizabeth. Ah, she is such a wonderful woman! She walked the three miles to come to her sister! Walked! Where is their carriage? Bloody hell I would be ashamed if Georgiana had to walk somewhere because she did not have a carriage at her disposal for her to go wherever she needed to go. I digress. Miss Elizabeth was not deterred by the walk, but rather her eyes were invigorated and though she was worried about her sister there was something in her cheeks that, well, I would love to induce by quite another activity. What a beast I am! Her sister is ill and her I’m thinking of activities that if she would even consider at other times I’m sure would be furthest from her mind right now! Bingley invited her to stay while her sister recovers, so here I am trying to quiet my mind and body when all I can think about is going to her sister's room hugging and ravaging her.
Why is life so unfair?! Miss Elizabeth is everything proper and lovely, but still were I to marry her there would be hell to pay! Seriously I was brought up with the understanding that good breeding, good connections and a good fortune were so important when one chooses a wife. Miss Elizabeth has the breeding, but her family do not, and she certainly does not have the fortune nor the connections that would be expected of my wife! I can just see her being laughed out of the drawing rooms of the old tabbies! It’s infuriating! Aunt Catherine is only a minor irritation, with her constant ‘Marry Anne’, but my other Aunts and Uncles certainly would not be happy with me marry so far below my station and would not accept her! Pemberley must have an impeccable mistress! Not to mention that Georgiana must have an impeccable example of a woman to follow in society when she comes out.
Back to Mrs Bennet and away from any matrimonial considerations. Seriously could the mother's uncaring attitude to her children get any worse? Miss Elizabeth was so concerned about her sister. Would that I could wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything will be all right with her sister. Oh, that I could do more than just helplessly watch as she cares for her sister.
I cannot make out whether Miss Bingley is a viper of her own volition or whether she is just jealous of those above her station! The woman (for I cannot call her a lady, despite all her pretentions) has the audacity to criticise her betters (yes as gentleman’s daughters th
e Bennet girls are her superiors) for their behaviour. I was most uncomfortable in the breakfast room this morning. What was Miss Bingley thinking to comment on Miss Elizabeths Petticoats? I was already embarrassed as I had been thinking of other pleasurable activities that would bring that delightful pink to Miss Elizabeth's face, and then the comment about Miss Elizabeth’s Petticoats! I found myself in the unfortunate situation of having to linger at the breakfast table for longer than usual to hide the evidence of my thoughts. I find that I am most restless at the moment knowing that she’s in the house.
After Breakfast I sought solitary entertainment. Pemberley is well run and business is low at this time of year, so I had time to read in the Library. Well, I tried to read anyway. By her mere presence, Miss Elizabeth distracts me so much! I found it hard to settle so instead I played Billiards for the whole day. The weather was too inclement to go out on Romeo. However, the evening was a delight.
Upon entering the salon before dinner Bingley wanted to know where I had disappeared to and then Miss Bingley asked why I had not joined her and Mrs Hurst. The truth was not something she would wish to hear for I’d rather be in a pit of snakes than to be in her company all day! Not to mention that I couldn't have borne anyone's company who was not Miss Elizabeth. I genuinely do not understand Miss Bingley’s unkindness and incivility. They’re matched only by her inability to understand what it takes to interest a man such as myself. I couldn’t politely say that, so just mumbled something to the effect that I wanted to be alone.
Miss Elizabeth was unsurprisingly the last one to join us in the salon. Her sister seems to be really unwell and Miss Elizabeth seems very unwilling to leave her more than is necessary. This is very commendable. And were I in love it would certainly make me love her more. There’s a pull to her that I really do not yet fully understand in myself. Bingley at least remembered his manners and escorted her into dinner, as was proper. Unfortunately, I had no one who could remove the odious duty of escorting the viper into dinner from my shoulders. Sometimes being the highest ranking member of the party has it’s drawbacks and having to escort the Viper to dinner is a drawback.
Miss Elizabeth went back to her sister after dinner but joined us in the drawing-room late in the evening. I think she thought the stakes of our card game would be too high, and I would gladly have provided her with an amount for her to join. Anyway, she made straight for the pile of books that I had left on the side intending to read. I blushed as she picked up “The Monk”. I could only sit and think thank goodness you don’t know that book is mine! Or that I was reading it.
The whole conversation of the evening was banal chit-chat that one would expect in the posturing drawing rooms of town. The Bingley’s showed themselves up in their own ignorance and lack of desire to improve themselves. All the sisters care about is social advancement and accomplishments that really do not add anything to a gentleman’s life. At least Miss Elizabeth is an avid reader - even if she does read books that I would not allow Georgiana to read…
Chapter 11
Do what you will, this world's a fiction and is made up of contradiction. William Blake
17th November 1811
Miss Elizabeth's visit at Netherfield continued for a total of five days, while her sister Jane recovered from her illness. During those days Darcy found himself looking forward to seeing Miss Elizabeth in the morning, and every morning he sent messages asking about Miss Jane's health. Breakfast was a joy and Darcy found himself eager to sit next to Miss Elizabeth. During those moments that he was in Miss Elizabeth's company that nagging feeling of loneliness lifted, but it soon descended even worse when she left the room. It was during this visit that Darcy realised that he was in great danger of falling in love. On the final day, Saturday, Darcy sat in the library with Elizabeth all morning, trying to read, and consequently, he didn't say a word to her all day. However, after Elizabeth had returned home, Darcy found himself regretting that as the house seemed cold and lonely.
Darcy could not contemplate why the loss of Elizabeth and her sister should result in him feeling lonely. However he decided that he would once again write to Georgiana to fill the pages with what had happened the last two days, having written two days previously, when he wrote a letter he did not intend to send, but rather just gave vent to the contradictions that were in his mind.
Dearest Georgiana,
I am lost. I am falling in love with one of the most unsuitable young ladies I have ever met. Her mother, as you know, is a horrid woman who wants nothing more than my ten thousand a year for her daughter, or would if I were to allow my interest to show. Miss Elizabeth is the wittiest and most vivacious woman I have ever met! She is so sensible and ladylike, yet does not seem to bother one wit about my money. She appears to be on a course to try and make me hate her, yet the cheekier she is, the more I love her for being so. She loves her sister so much that she came to Netherfield on her own, and walked the whole three miles ending up with petticoats that were six inches thick with mud, which though I noticed them, they detracted nothing from how bright the exercise has made her eyes. Those beautiful eyes! Georgiana, you would not imagine how many nights I have gone to sleep with the image of those soft brown eyes, in which I wish to drown. I find that I have found a woman that I could make an offer to, Georgiana, and yet I cannot make that offer for mother and father would forbid such a union were they alive to see it.
I cannot describe to you how torn I feel right now. I am beginning to love this girl so much, and yet I know that she's forbidden fruit. I fear dearest Georgiana that I am a lost cause now. However, I am more determined than ever that I shall NEVER marry Anne. I find myself for the first time in my life I don't know what to do. I am so full of contradictions that I don't know what to do or how to conduct myself. I feel so lost. I miss our parents. Georgiana, I wish that you could help me. I try not to show that I am in love with her, and yet I find myself loving her all the more. She has me totally under her spell. If I don't leave here soon then, I shall be doing the unthinkable and make an offer to a woman who has no connections, no money, in fact, nothing but her wit, her caring and her manners to recommend her. Miss Jane, her sister, is also a very ladylike young woman, and I feel for her and Miss Elizabeth for they both lose out to other young women because of their lack of connections, their relations and their lack of a fortune. Why I am considering her, I cannot understand. Here I am totally lost and totally in love.
Yours Etc.
Fitzwilliam
He then took his letter, wrote Georgiana's name on the front and filed it in his writing case. He then took another piece of paper and wrote the letter that he would actually send.
Dearest Georgiana,
I hope that you and Mrs Annesley are well. We are all well here in Hertfordshire. Bingley is relieved that Miss Bennet is feeling better, and she and her sister Miss Elizabeth have just left to go back to Longbourne House, where they live with their parents.
Much has happened since I last wrote you. I told you in my letter three days ago how Miss Elizabeth's mother had visited with her two youngest daughters. What a scene they created – embarrassing poor Miss Elizabeth. I felt quite sorry for her.
Well, that evening I had a delightful conversation with Miss Elizabeth which, although it was in a general setting and in front of everyone else, I must admit I enjoyed immensely. It turns out that Miss Elizabeth studies character, and though she loves to laugh at the ridiculous and absurd she does know what character flaws not to laugh at!
Miss Elizabeth is a worthy debate opponent to me and Miss Bingley just cannot keep up with our banter. It's delicious. I have so enjoyed having Miss Elizabeth's company here at Netherfield (although I would not wish Miss Jane ill again just to have her here again). Miss Bingley is delightfully jealous of Miss Elizabeth, who really couldn't care less. I am so delighted not only that Miss Elizabeth can put Miss Bingley in her place, but rather that Miss Elizabeth is just so charming. It is almost as if she dances when she walks. She wal
ks almost everywhere (being not so confident with horses, so it's either a carriage or walking for her).
The following morning I was walking with Miss Bingley when Miss Elizabeth and Mrs Hurst joined us, I was dreadfully sorry that the promenade here could not hold all four of us, but alas Miss Elizabeth took the opportunity to run off. I must admit and confess to being disappointed. Also, I do not think that Miss Bingley would be very civil for too long, as she says the most atrocious things about poor Miss Elizabeth, who doesn't deserve even half of what Miss Bingley says about her. I was afraid that they might have overheard Miss Bingley trying to tease me about my interest in Miss Elizabeth (Which I must confess I am in danger of becoming much more than just interest, although I am determined that Miss Elizabeth must NEVER know or suspect it to be the case!)You know how unsuitable a match she is for me. I made sure that Miss Elizabeth would not suspect my interest. You know how I keep my emotions to myself.
However, there is something about Miss Elizabeth that is so different to all the other young ladies I have met. You know she refused to dance a reel when I asked her the other night when Miss Bingley was playing the pianoforte. The only thing I can think of is that I upset her the first time I met her. I regret now saying that she was not handsome enough to tempt me. What was I thinking?! Georgiana, I regret that first night I met her, and even then she drew me – against my will! I need to leave Hertfordshire, and yet I promised I would stay until Bingley and his sister had settled in. I need to put some distance between her and me.
Bingley talks about hosting a ball at the end of November. I hope he does as I have to come to London after that. After all, they will have settled in then, and I cannot stay away from London any longer, as the house somehow has more business than Pemberley.
1811-1812 How It All Began- Part 1 Page 6