I look forward to seeing you in London for a couple of weeks, and I promise that we'll go to Pemberley at Christmas. You know how impatient I am to see you at all times. Miss Bingley told me many messages to give you the other night, yet somehow I cannot remember one of them, my mind was so full of Elizabeth, and so was my letter.
Yours etc.
Fitzwilliam
Darcy sealed this letter up and addressed it and called the servant to send it. Soon Georgiana would understand his state of mind. Darcy felt so torn; he was so shy that talking to Miss Elizabeth was difficult for him and yet he looked forward to the Netherfield Ball at the end of the November.
Chapter 12
The Common curse of mankind - folly and ignorance. Troilus and Cressida Act II Scene III Shakespeare.
19th November 1811
There were few engagements between the Miss Bennets leaving and the Netherfield ball so that the rest of the month threatened to drag for Darcy. However, a circumstance two days after they left brought new problems for Darcy. He and Mr Bingley had gone for a ride, intending to enquire at Longbourn about Miss Bennet's health when they happened to meet the young ladies while on their way. At first, Darcy's attention was distracted, and all he saw was Miss Elizabeth. He tried to keep his eyes off her. However, this was not to be. Next to Miss Elizabeth stood a young man, rather too close for Darcy's comfort. Just as he was trying to settle who this young man was, for Miss Eliza seemed embarrassed and indifferent about the young gentleman, his attention was caught by two gentlemen in militia uniform. This in itself was unremarkable in that the militia had recently come to Meryton, and that the younger two Bennet sisters, Kitty and Lydia spent as much time as they could with officers was no secret.
However, one of the young men of the militia seemed familiar. This young man drew Darcy's gaze, and as he turned around, the anger from the year before came flooding back, turning Darcy's face white with rage. The young man was none other than Mr Wickham. Mr Wickham's face turned red upon seeing Darcy.
Bloody Hell! I'm going to kill Fitzwilliam! I should also kill Wickham while I'm about it! It just my bloody bad luck that that good for nothing louse should end up in this regiment here in Meryton! Nobody is bloody safe with that excuse for a human being around. I wonder what bloody nefarious acts is he up to now? No doubt it will be another mess that I am expected to clean up! Father, I don't bloody well know why you allowed that man to call on the Darcy coffers like you did! It has to stop! There's nothing else to be done! Poor Georgiana, even if I wanted to bring here down to meet the elder two Miss Bennets there's no way to do it now!
Mr Wickham touched his hat in greeting, and Darcy just about managed to return the greeting. Mr Bingley and Darcy then rode on. What is he doing here? How long has he bloody been here? What the hell was he doing with Miss Elizabeth and her family? I love Miss Elizabeth; I hope that man does nothing against that family, though Miss Lydia would fall quickly under his spell – what about Elizabeth? Is Elizabeth interested in this man? I have no right to interfere with Miss Elizabeth's life, yet should I warn their father about his character? No, I cannot. Georgiana must be protected at all costs. Maybe he is changed, maybe the militia will give him a sense of discipline to keep him in line. I have no place sinking another person's character without proof that things are amiss. Perhaps I should leave well enough alone. Did the Bennets know Mr Wickham before the militia brought him here?
For the life of him, Darcy could not understand why Wickham would be talking to the Miss Bennets in such a familiar way. For the time being the other odd gentleman was forgotten.
The next day Mr Bingley and his sisters visited Longbourn and issued their invitation to the ball the next Tuesday. Darcy himself was anxious to see the ball come, even though the invitation to the officers of the militia would include Wickham. However he would once more be in the society of Miss Elizabeth, and Darcy resolved to watch any exchange between Miss Elizabeth and Wickham. If he saw any cause for concern about Wickham then he would communicate with Mr Bennet. However, if there were no such symptoms, then he would leave Hertfordshire and bear his knowledge of Wickham away with him.
The week seemed to drag for Darcy, for it was raining buckets, making any ventures out of doors impossible. The ladies, as usual, declared themselves miserable. Darcy, Bingley and Mr Hurst spent many tedious hours playing loo and many other card games, just to keep the ladies entertained. Each time they sat down Darcy would remember that first evening Miss Elizabeth was with them, and he would smile. He decided though that he preferred sitting with his book (which was the same one Miss Elizabeth had chosen that first evening). Darcy had not read more than two paragraphs since Miss Elizabeth had left, and he had hoped that the rain would accord him time to read. Alas, the ladies insisted upon playing cards almost every waking minute. He was tired of playing Loo, Commerce, Vingt-un ad nauseam. The ball would bring a welcome change. Eventually, the week passed and the night of the ball came.
At length, Tuesday, 26 November arrived, and Darcy took extra care bathing and getting ready for the ball. However, he didn't appear downstairs until the Bennets arrived. Darcy waited by his bedroom window, without even a candle, to see the moment Miss Elizabeth arrived. He couldn't distinguish much as she stepped out of the carriage, except that it was Elizabeth, so he made his way downstairs, with time to spare before the first dance.
Elizabeth, it appeared, was looking for someone who was not there this evening. Darcy and overheard Mr Denny informing Elizabeth and Lydia "Mr Wickham had been obliged to go to town on a business matter yesterday. "However, I do not imagine that his business would have called him away just now if he had not wished to avoid a certain gentleman here." So as I thought, he's still a coward. Probably he's up to no good anyway. However, Darcy was happy for he would not be subjected to watching Elizabeth dancing with Mr Wickham.
The first dance was now about to start, and Darcy was about to make his way to ask Elizabeth for these two dances when he saw Elizabeth being claimed by the other odd gentleman he had seen with Elizabeth and her sisters in Meryton a week earlier. He now pondered who this oddity could be. A visitor for sure, but Darcy thought he had arrived with the Bennets. Time would answer the conundrum, but Darcy wanted to know, and couldn't help the slight pang of jealousy he felt watching Miss Elizabeth dancing with this strange man who, by the looks of it, had never learned to dance.
Darcy, therefore, sat out these two dances as he had neither humour nor inclination to dance with any other young lady in the room, nor did he wish to show any preference for any other young lady. Very quickly Darcy felt sorry for Elizabeth and very jealous of the young man. It was evident from the beginning that the young gentleman knew nothing of the dance. He was awkward at best and at worst, clumsy and apologetic. This, however, didn't appear to matter to him as he stumbled through the first two dances.
For the third set, before Darcy could move in her direction, Miss Elizabeth was claimed by an officer. Then there was a break when she was not sought for a set. Darcy saw his chance to dance with the most beautiful woman in the room, and made his way over to ask her for the next two dances. She accepted immediately. Having been accepted, Darcy was now sure of his partner, but unsure how to make conversation, so he walked away until the dancing recommenced at which time he swiftly moved to claim Elizabeth's hand.
The dance was now to be both bliss and agony. Afterwards, Darcy was not at all sure how to describe it. At first, the feeling of being so physically close to Elizabeth overwhelmed him so much that he was silent. After a short time though, Elizabeth made a brief comment about the dance; he replied absentmindedly. All he could think was I love you so much, but I cannot have you. Well for these two dances you are mine. Shortly afterwards though Elizabeth's voice again came, "It's your turn to say something now, Mr Darcy. I talked about the dance, and you ought to make some remark on the size of the room or the number of couples."
"Whatever you wish me to say, shall be said," he replied, smilin
g. However, I cannot say the very thing I want to say. Not now, not ever.
"Very well. That reply will do for the present. Perhaps by and by I may observe that private balls are much pleasanter than public ones. But for now, we may be happy.”
Surely she knows me better than this by now. What is she doing? Where is she going with this? Why does she think that we should be talking by rule? “Do you talk by rule when you are dancing?"
"Sometimes. One’s conversation ought to be so arranged, as they may have the trouble of saying as little as possible."
Do you not want to talk to me very much? Or are you just toying with me, flirting almost? "Are you consulting your feelings in the present case, or do you imagine that you are gratifying mine?" I just love talking to you – I don't care about the subject matter. I want to drown in your eyes and to hear your voice. I want so much to know you intimately - very intimately.
"Both, for I have always seen a great similarity in the turn of our minds. We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the éclat of a proverb."
"This is no striking resemblance to your character, I am sure", and you misrepresent mine. "How near it might be to mine, I cannot pretend to say, you think it is a faithful portrait I am sure."
"I must not decide on my performance"
Oh, that we had the same laws as Scotland. We could declare before all tonight we wanted to be married, and I could... Mmm, perhaps best not go there right now…
Darcy had no inclination to answer her, for if he had he would have been on his knees begging for her to marry him. This was something he was determined that none but himself and Georgiana should know. As they went down the dance, he could not think of anything but how beautiful Elizabeth looked tonight – had she made an extra effort this evening? For whom? He didn't care.
Oh Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth! I wish that I was free to love you and marry you. How could I fulfil my obligations to my family, my name, Georgiana and still marry you? I must be the biggest fool to torment myself like this, but I cannot reconcile my love for you and my obligations to my family.
He basked in the joy of dancing with Elizabeth and wondered whether it would be best to try to forget her after this evening. Once they had gone down the dance Darcy recollected that they had walked to Meryton when they met Wickham that day. "Do you and your sisters walk often into Meryton?"
"Yes," She replied and then added, "When you met us the other day, we had just been forming a new acquaintance."
Darcy flushed red. What has that man told her? I know he's told untruths about our dealings, but surely the man wouldn't tell a complete stranger? What about Georgiana? Is my sister's reputation still intact? Why, why, why should I not open her eyes to that man's character?
For a few moments Darcy could not speak for fear that he would tell Elizabeth the whole sorry story, and yet he desired to warn her that Wickham was not an honourable man. Eventually, he had himself under control enough to say, "Mr Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends – whether he is capable of retaining them, is less certain."
"He has been so unlucky as to lose your friendship and in a manner that he is likely to suffer from all his life." This last comment of Elizabeth's was like a knife in Darcy's heart. Oh, God! Please no! I can bear anything than Elizabeth becoming enamoured of Wickham! Perhaps he’s only told her that old chestnut of the denied living. Could it be that yet again Wickham was displacing him in the affections of a young lady with his web of deceit and his easy manners? However, Darcy, as desirous as he was to change the subject, had no time to think.
Sir William Lucas was passing through the dancing set and stopped to congratulate Darcy on his superior dancing and dropped a hint that there were expectations that Bingley would make an offer to Jane, and that offer would be accepted. This made Darcy immediately look towards Mr Bingley and Jane dancing together, realising that he had to intervene. However, that would have to wait and, when Sir William moved off, Darcy said, "Sir William's interruption has made me forget what we were talking about."
"I do not think we were talking at all. Sir William could not have interrupted any two people in the room with less to say for themselves. We have tried two or three subjects already without success, and what we are to talk about next I cannot imagine." I do not understand why you are so determined not to talk to me about anything with substance. Perhaps books would be a better and safer topic.
Remembering her sitting with one of the books that he had brought into the saloon when Jane was ill at Netherfield he asked her, "what think you of books?"
"Books-oh! No. I am sure we never read the same, or not with the same feelings."
"I am sorry you think so; but if that be the case, there at least be no want of subject. We may compare our different opinions."
"No- I cannot talk about books in a ballroom: my head is always full of something."
Darcy could not for the life of him remember the rest of their banal conversation after that, but only that when they parted, Darcy felt as if he never wanted to part from Elizabeth again. This he knew was not to be the case, as the young chap who had danced the first with Elizabeth now started hovering around Elizabeth putting it out of the question that Elizabeth could be induced to dance with Darcy or anyone else anymore that evening.
Leave the woman alone you numbskull! It’s blatantly obvious that she cannot stand you! You’ve now ruined the rest of her evening anyway because now she’s refused you, she cannot dance with anyone else the rest of the night! Others of us wanted to dance with her again!
Supper brought more evidence as to why Darcy could never act on the emotions that were brewing in his breast. Scarcely had Darcy sat down at the supper table, but the strange young man came up to him and accosted him with a bow and then said, "Mr Darcy, I apologise that I have not made myself known to you earlier. I am William Collins, parson of Lady Catherine DeBourgh of Hunsford. I understand that you are the nephew of Lady Catherine, and therefore I am in the happy position to inform you the Lady Catherine was in excellent health when I left Hunsford eight days ago."
All Darcy wanted to do was to tell this strange man to Bugger off! Instead, Darcy civilly replied, “Thank you, I am glad to hear it." Darcy was distracted as his mind was engaged in thinking about Miss Bennet and Mr Bingley.
"I am very indebted to your aunt, Mr Darcy, and if my fair cousin consents to marry me, then I shall hope to be back with your aunt very soon. May I also wish you congratulations that your fair cousin is destined to be your wife? Lady Catherine talks of little else when she entertains me to tea." Mr Collins looked like he was about to go on. However, Darcy was offended at the free and easy manner in which this odd gentleman accosted him. He had no wish to hear anymore either about Mr Collins hope to marry Miss Elizabeth Bennet nor any more about the plan his aunt had for him to marry Anne.
This recent speech aroused such contempt in him, and such jealousy, that Darcy did not trust himself to answer in a civil manner. Therefore Darcy gave Mr Collins a quick bow and walked away to another part of the room.
At this point, Darcy wondered if the evening could get any worse. He had enjoyed dancing with Elizabeth, however, Sir William's information was rambling around his head, and Darcy was trying to watch to see if there was affection between his friend and Miss Bennet, something that he was not seeing on Miss Bennet's side. Miss Bennet appeared very serene and composed and did not seem to have any depth of feeling for Mr Bingley, so Darcy purposed that an intervention was in order.
Darcy was not free to plan his intervention very well for once he had freed himself from Mr Collins, they all sat down to supper. Unfortunately, somehow he was at the same table as Mrs Bennet and heard her loud and obnoxious proclamation that she entertained the same hopes as Sir William had conveyed earlier in the evening. Darcy ignored all of her effusions about how Bingley was a
good a match for Jane and how settled to her mother Jane would be. However, Darcy noticed Elizabeth blushing and trying to check her mother. This led to Mrs Bennet exclaiming "What is Mr Darcy to me, pray, that I should be afraid of him? I am sure we owe no such particular civility as to be obliged to say nothing he may not wish to hear."
Your daughters should not have to manage your behaviour in public, Madam! How did your two eldest daughters become so well mannered? It certainly was NOT your example, and although your husband doesn't have quite such bad manners, he obviously can't be bothered to aid your progress in society any. If anyone should check you, it's your husband. What is the man thinking? He certainly does not rule his house as he should. Darcy didn't hear Elizabeth's reply it being stated in a soft, quiet undertone. However whatever she said had no effect on the mother, and she ran on full force.
Darcy was recalling how many balls he had been to and been bored the whole time through having few or no persons to talk to the whole way through, but he could not recall one where such vulgarity was exposed by one particular family. He knew that sometimes one member of a family had accidentally exposed themselves, but that was usually covered up quickly and dealt with so that none dared to laugh or in any otherwise despise that member of the family. However, the Bennets seemed to be totally unconscious of the fact that the younger girls, flirting with the officers, were giving them a bad name and that the mother was entirely given up to vulgarity. Darcy had never known the like. Somehow at each turn that he thought the evening could not get any worse it took yet another turn for the worse.
Darcy wasn't sure at what point his consciousness changed from his discomfort to that of Miss Elizabeth. Every time his eyes were turned to her as they frequently were, he saw her blush and looking uncomfortable and embarrassed by her mother and his discomfort on her behalf was excruciating. He felt the contradictions between his longing to wrap his arms around her and assure that despite her family's deficiencies he loved her and wanted to marry her. However, the expectations on his shoulders of the kind of woman he should marry nearly tore him apart as the evening wore on.
1811-1812 How It All Began- Part 1 Page 7