Our Kind of Cruelty

by Araminta Hall

  ‘All right then,’ Xander said. ‘Will you please explain to us why on earth you didn’t tell your husband that Mr Hayes came to meet you from work after you received those emails on honeymoon which you said upset you so much? You went for a drink with him and you failed to mention that to your husband.’

  ‘It was stupid of me. I was trying to protect both Mike and Angus.’

  ‘Or were you perhaps thinking about rekindling your relationship? Perhaps Mr Hayes isn’t as delusional as you keep implying, but actually a pretty good judge of character and motive. Perhaps he was able to see that you were keen to restart what had been a very intense relationship in which you were both clearly very attracted to each other?’

  I felt myself getting hard and had to put my hands in my lap.

  ‘That is absolutely not true,’ V said.

  ‘Which part?’

  ‘All of it.’

  ‘So you weren’t ever involved in an intense relationship and you weren’t ever very attracted to each other?’

  V’s chin dipped. ‘No, that’s not what I meant. I meant I wasn’t thinking about rekindling anything and I do think Mike is delusional.’

  By now, I wasn’t even troubled when V said these things because I knew what she was doing and I love her for it. I love that she is trying to preserve our life. I love that we are still working towards the same goal, just in different ways.

  ‘But an easy mistake for Mr Hayes to make considering your past and the fact that you were again involved in a secret communication?’

  ‘It was hardly a secret communication.’

  ‘It was if no one else knew about it.’ Xander turned and walked back across the room. ‘Mr Hayes is very confused by your assertion that he assaulted you the night he came to your house when Mr Metcalf was away. He says the kiss you shared was entirely consensual and that when you asked him to stop he did. Is that true?’

  V’s eyes were pleading. ‘It’s true that he stopped when I asked him to, although I had to say no a few times before he got off me. I had to shout at him. And he probably thinks the kiss was consensual because I wanted him to believe that, so I could make him stop.’

  Xander frowned. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t follow. You kissed him to make him stop.’

  ‘I didn’t want to make him angry. I was scared. All I was focused on was getting him to leave. I thought he might rape me.’

  ‘So, let me get this straight. You were so scared of Mr Hayes you played along with his sexual advances to make him go away, even though you have an intricate, highly sexual history with each other. Then you get him out of your house and you don’t immediately call the police, or your parents, or anyone?’

  V’s eyes were now swimming in tears. ‘I know it sounds strange, but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know if the police would take me seriously if I did call them.’

  Xander puffed out his cheeks as if he couldn’t get his head round anything V was saying. ‘Mr Hayes says that when you went for a drink with him after work you told him Angus was going to be away and he took it as an invitation to come round.’

  V reached out and grabbed the edge of the stand, her knuckles white. ‘Oh God, don’t be ridiculous. I told Mike Angus was away because I didn’t want him to try to contact me until he got back.’

  Xander raised an eyebrow. ‘But you still let him in when he turned up on your doorstep?’

  ‘I told him it wasn’t a good idea, but he’s much stronger than me.’

  ‘But he didn’t break down the door or anything to gain entry, did he?’

  ‘No. But I made it clear I didn’t want him there. And I tried to shut the door, but he pushed it open so he could come inside.’

  ‘But if you’d minded that much you could have shouted at that point, or pushed back. I don’t think there is any suggestion you fought each other.’

  ‘No, of course we didn’t. I thought maybe I could talk some sense into him.’

  ‘After you shared a kiss, Mr Hayes says you talked for a quite a while about you leaving Angus and coming to live with him.’ Xander paused. ‘Mr Hayes says you said you wished things had worked out between you both.’

  V’s eyes were so filled with tears they looked like they were shaking. ‘Yes I did. And every moment made my skin crawl. I’ve explained why I did all those things. It was to get him to leave.’

  ‘It’s a strange thing to say to someone though, you must admit. That you wished things had worked out between you, when you were trying to get rid of him, and married to someone else.’

  ‘It’s not a strange thing to say if you know Mike like I do,’ V said and with those words my whole body relaxed, as if it had been held upright by string which had finally been cut. Nobody knows anyone the way we know each other, and now V had admitted it in court, in front of all these people.

  ‘Did you ask Mr Hayes to help you get out of your marriage? To help you get rid of your husband?’ Xander asked.

  ‘No, of course I didn’t. I didn’t want my marriage to end.’

  Xander sighed. ‘Perhaps, Mrs Metcalf, you could tell us what you did when Mr Hayes left after the alleged assault?’

  ‘It isn’t alleged, he assaulted me.’ She shook her head and another tear escaped. ‘After he’d gone all I could do was shower and get into bed and then I started being sick in the night and I couldn’t stop. I don’t know what happened. It was horrible.’

  ‘Perhaps you were feeling like you were heading for another breakdown?’

  V looked up, her tears suddenly dried. ‘A what?’

  ‘A nervous breakdown?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Did you take anti-depressants for a year after leaving university?’

  V looked round the court and a sound like a laugh escaped from her. ‘Are you serious? Half the country is on anti-depressants. It doesn’t mean anything.’

  Xander opened his eyes as wide as they would go and looked at the jury. ‘So by your estimation six of these good people are currently taking anti-depressants. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind raising your hand if you are.’ They all stayed still; a couple even looked quite upset.

  He shook his head at V. ‘Mrs Metcalf, I have to say, the part of this whole story that I’m finding hardest to get my head round is how you were found by the police in the arms of Mr Hayes, whilst your husband lay dying on the floor.’

  V gasped. ‘Oh God, I’ve explained that.’

  ‘You’ve said you don’t know how it happened,’ Xander said. ‘But that seems unlikely when you remember everything else so well.’

  ‘But I don’t remember clearly,’ V said, her voice pleading.

  ‘Perhaps it happened because you and Mr Hayes are in love, as he says? Perhaps you were comforting each other because you were both shocked and upset that your game-playing had ended in this tragic way?’

  ‘No,’ V said, but her voice sounded as thin as water.

  And that is one of the major flaws in V’s plan: nothing she said on the stand today really added up. What I am starting to understand is that quite apart from the fact that we can’t be separated, we also must remain true to who we are. We must make sense and nothing makes sense if one of us denies our love.

  ‘Why did you call Mr Hayes to warn him your husband was on his way round to Mr Hayes’s house on the night of the murder?’ Xander said and it all felt relentless.

  ‘I wasn’t warning Mike. I was trying to protect Angus.’

  ‘But if that was true why on earth didn’t you call the police?’

  ‘I don’t know. I didn’t think of it.’

  ‘You didn’t think of it.’ Xander sounded exasperated. ‘Mrs Metcalf, we all heard your message. You sounded deeply distressed. Do you really expect us to believe that you didn’t consider calling the police?’

  ‘Yes, because it’s the truth.’

  ‘Or perhaps you were scared to because you realised that your game had gone a bit too far? Perhaps you were worried someone was going to get hurt and you
knew you would be implicated?’

  V stifled a cry. ‘No, not at all. I was only worried about Angus at that moment.’

  ‘Would you say you’re good at ending relationships, Mrs Metcalf?’ Xander asked, turning back to V.

  The question was obviously not what V had been expecting. ‘I don’t know. Who is?’

  ‘You like to use others, don’t you? Like with Mr Sage and Mr Hayes.’

  ‘God, I was a teenager with Gordon and I’ve explained the situation with Mike.’

  ‘Would you say you’re good at your job?’

  V looked surprised again. ‘Yes.’

  ‘I believe you’re one of the youngest people ever to be taken on by the Calthorpe Centre, in a scientific role. Remind us what you’re working on again.’

  ‘I’m part of a team which is working on the idea of artificial intelligence.’

  ‘So, replacing humans with robots?’

  ‘That’s a very simplistic way of putting it and no, of course we’re not trying to do that. If anything we’re trying to help humans with the programmes we hope to create.’

  Xander raised his eyebrows and turned to the jury. ‘You must have been very single-minded to have climbed to the top. Very focused. Worked very hard.’

  ‘Yes, I have.’

  Petra stood again. ‘My lord, are we now trying Mrs Metcalf for being a woman with a good job?’

  The judge looked over at Petra again, his lips pursed. ‘I am sure that is not what my honourable colleague is implying, is it, Mr Jackson?’

  Xander laughed lightly. ‘Of course not, my lord. I am just trying to establish if Mrs Metcalf is the sort of person to become easily confused, or to not see logical ways out of situations.’

  ‘I’m good at my job, yes,’ V answered, her voice thin.

  Xander tapped the rolled-up paper he was holding against his leg. ‘I don’t suppose that either you or Mr Hayes wanted Mr Metcalf dead.’ He looked at the jury. ‘I think we all can see that neither he nor you are hardened murderers. But I think it is fair to say you are a woman who enjoys game-playing and sex.’ He let the word hang in the air. ‘You are clearly clever and adept at problem-solving. And I think you are good at getting other people to do your dirty work for you. So, when you found yourself attracted once again to Mr Hayes, you started looking for his help to get out of your marriage.’

  ‘No. That is completely not true.’ I could tell V would be crying again in a minute.

  ‘Come on,’ Xander said. ‘It would have been very embarrassing to end that marriage only a couple of months after such a lavish wedding.’

  ‘But I didn’t want to end the marriage.’

  ‘And there is an obvious connection between you and Mr Hayes. Christ, we can all feel it right here, right now. It’s like electricity passing between you.’ Xander moved his hand as he spoke and I felt the jury looking between us, so they must have seen the shimmering, neon string attached to both our hearts. ‘And it’s hardly surprising. You’re both very good-looking, intelligent people who have this secret sex game you’ve played together for years, who’ve flirted with the idea of orgies and homosexuality. It’s hardly a leap of the imagination to see what’s happened here.’

  ‘Objection,’ Petra shouted, standing up.

  Justice Smithson banged his hand on the table. ‘Sustained. Mr Jackson, your questioning is crossing the line.’

  Xander bowed his head lightly to the judge and then Petra. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘I got carried away with the atmosphere. No further questions, my lord.’

  He walked back to his seat calmly, but the air in the courtroom was anything but. It fizzed and squealed around us, enclosing and disposing of us. V and I were breathing in the same air, our bodies recycling it to keep each other alive, as the moments passed in thundering heartbeats.

  V stood shakily to exit the witness box and I thought she might stumble but she made it back to our box, where she sat with her head dropped and her back curved away from me.

  Xander looked tired when we met in our strange airless debriefing room at the end of the day. I was angry with him for bringing up the Kitten Club without warning me, but he countered with his own anger which, I realised, was just as vibrant as mine.

  ‘Was she lying?’ he asked, like a threat. ‘Did you go more than once?’

  ‘No,’ I answered. ‘It was just as she said.’

  ‘Shame,’ Xander said, rubbing his temples like he had a headache.

  ‘I don’t even see how it helps anyway. I mean, I did all the same things she did. Petra’s bound to ask me about everything.’

  Xander looked at me disdainfully. ‘Grow up, Mike. It’s totally different for you.’

  It is morning now and I haven’t slept. I have had to go over and over all the things that were said yesterday. Writing it down has helped somewhat. I am sitting on my bunk now, watching the sun break milkily in the fogged sky and all I know is this: Verity is truth. She is my truth. The only truth. What we know and do is the only thing that matters. It transcends all the petty lies and misrepresentations, all the innuendos and gossip. We rise above it like the eagle does above the mountains. We look down and see mess but it doesn’t touch us. I need to use the truth today to reach a greater truth, a greater place of safety in which V and I can live forever, untouched by all the banality which constitutes this sorry world.

  After watching you on the stand yesterday, V, it was like you were giving me permission to lie. You lied for what you thought was our good, but you got it wrong in your confusion, and now I must swoop in like the eagle and guide your hand. I now know what I must do, V. I know how to save you, my love, my darling, and nothing has ever felt more wonderful.

  I am just back from court, but I am compelled to write because the adrenaline is still coursing through my veins. V, all of this has always been for you. I even understand now why I am writing at all: this will stand as a record of our pure, unending love, binding us together for all eternity. We will share and celebrate these words forever and the way we have conspired with our enemies to bring us to the ultimate craving truth of our love. When you read this, as you surely must, I want you to know that I own every word I uttered today. Every single movement I made in there I made for you, my love.

  There was real hate in Petra’s eyes when she stood to cross-examine me. Her long thin body vibrated with distaste and her voice was harsh. ‘Mr Hayes, I put it to you that you are a fantasist. A dangerous fantasist at that.’

  ‘No,’ I said, ‘I’m not.’

  ‘But then you would hardly admit to it, would you?’ She put on her glasses and flicked through her notes. ‘We have of course heard from Mrs Lascelles, your old headmistress, and I have several school reports and social service referrals in my possession and they all talk about your lack of empathy, your trouble with making friends, your tendency towards violence and your sexualised language.’

  I still don’t recognise this person, though hazy memories are appearing through the smoke of my mind. I can just about make out chairs flying across rooms and girls crying and adults pinning me to the floor. ‘I left school a long time ago.’

  ‘Not that long,’ Petra replied. ‘So you don’t deny how you behaved back then?’

  ‘I can’t exactly remember. But I think we’ve established I had a bad childhood. I was an angry kid.’

  ‘Would you agree it’s fair to say you’ve never dealt with that anger?’ Petra asked, removing her glasses and beginning her walk.

  ‘No. I think I’ve dealt with it.’

  ‘But I mean professionally. You’ve never seen anyone, have you, even though your foster mother and Mrs Metcalf, doctors even, have advised this.’

  ‘No. I’ve never felt the need.’

  ‘But I think we’d all agree that the abuse you suffered would have left deep scars which it is almost impossible to eradicate without professional help.’

  I watched her legs as she walked, willing her to trip and break her neck. ‘I don’t know. I
feel fine.’

  ‘Do you think the emails you sent Mrs Metcalf after your break-up and then again whilst she was on her honeymoon were the actions of a rational person?’

  ‘I was very upset, both times.’

  ‘Yes, but don’t you think they were extreme?’

  ‘I’ve already said I was very upset when I wrote them. I’m not proud of them at all.’

  Petra looked at the jury. ‘I know you all have these in your notes, but perhaps I could read one out to you, dated February the fourteenth last year.’ She put her glasses on and opened the papers in front of her:

  ‘V, my darling, my love, my everything, please, please write to me. You can’t just cut me out of your life like this. How many times can I say sorry? What do I have to do? I will do anything, everything, name your price. I love you, I love you. I crave you, I crave you. Stop this. Stop it, you bitch. Fucking stop it, you heartless cow. Don’t be this person. Remember who we are. I love you, V, forever and always.’

  Petra looked up as she finished and I could feel the stunned silence of the courtroom like a presence in the air. ‘There are quite a few emails like that,’ she said.

  I nodded, feeling as if there was something pressing on the backs of my eyes. ‘I’m very ashamed I wrote those things. I didn’t mean them. I was desperate.’

  ‘They sound more than desperate to me,’ she said. ‘They sound dangerous.’

  ‘Objection,’ Xander said.

  ‘Sustained.’

  Petra shook her head. ‘Why did you stop writing to Mrs Metcalf after that email?’

  ‘Because I realised there was no point continuing. I knew I would have to do something big to win her back.’

  ‘Which is when you decided to come back to the UK?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘How did you feel when you found out she was getting married?’

  I squeezed my hands together in my lap. ‘I was shocked.’ Xander had told me not to say that the marriage was part of the Crave.

  ‘You didn’t feel upset?’

  ‘Yes, I did.’

  ‘But you didn’t talk to anyone about it? In fact, you concocted an elaborate charade in which you pretended to your work colleagues that you and Verity were still partners.’