The Shadows We Hide

by Allen Eskens

The liquor in my blood warmed my chest and loosened my joints. The man leaning on the bar next to me was my uncle—no doubt about it anymore—and I felt compelled to tell him the good news.

  “Hey, Charlie, guess what?” I said as I turned in my seat. “Vicky and me, we were just celebrating. You know why?”

  “I’m sure I don’t care.”

  “Come on―is that any way to talk to your nephew?”

  “Still holding on to that fantasy, are you?” he said.

  “That’s the thing,” I said, dropping my pretense that this would be a friendly conversation. “It’s not a fantasy. The DNA test came back. It’s official. Toke was my dad, which also means that you’re my uncle and Angel’s my sister.”

  His fake smile skidded away.

  “And to be honest, I’m not sure that I like the idea of you being her guardian.”

  His eyes narrowed on me. “You stay out of my business,” he said. “You’re an irresponsible hothead. You just stay the hell away from that girl.”

  The time had come to show my hard side. “You know, Charlie, the other day, you said that you can find out some amazing things about a person if you know where to look. Turns out, you had a point.”

  “Don’t try bluffing me, kid. You’re out of your league.”

  I looked him dead in the eye and said, “Poppi Sanchez would beg to differ.”

  He tried to hold his poker face, but the heat of his blood broke through the fake tan on his cheeks. A glimmer of recognition flashed behind his eyes before he said, “Never heard of her.” Then he grabbed his two whiskeys, spilling some as he turned to rejoin Harley.

  Marv slid my burger basket through the window, calling out to Vicky as he did. I peeked over my shoulder to see Charlie leaning across his table, whispering something to Harley, who was drinking one of the whiskey shots. Then Harley looked at me, his eyes darting back and forth between me and Vicky.

  “Here you go,” Vicky said, placing my meal in front of me.

  I had just reached down the bar to grab some ketchup when I heard a groan in the floorboards behind me. But it was the sudden change of Vicky’s expression that told me something was wrong. I turned in time to see Harley Redding bobbing his way toward me with his right arm cocked back and his teeth gritted in anger. Before I could say a word, he swung at my face.

  With my reflexes slowed by the whiskey, I didn’t have time to block his punch, and his knuckles plowed into the side of my skull, sending a jolt down my spine. A flash of white exploded in my eyes, and then everything went black for a second. The power of his punch had knocked me off my bar stool, and I stumbled back, flailing at anything to keep me from falling to the floor. I caught the edge of one of the booths and grabbed the tabletop. The room tilted as I fought to stay on my feet.

  Harley stumbled back twenty feet and leaned against the bar, clutching his right hand to his chest. I did my best to blink away the blur in my vision as I pulled myself back up to standing. We were both wounded, but I had recovered well enough to take the offensive, and I charged at Harley.

  That’s when Charlie jumped out of the booth. He grabbed me by the elbows, pinning my arms behind my back.

  “Stop it,” Vicky yelled. “I’m calling the cops.”

  “Fuck you, slut,” Harley growled as he stumbled toward me.

  I tried to break free of Charlie, but the man had a firm grip on my arms.

  Harley let his wounded right hand fall limp to his side and used his left hand to give me a solid punch to my rib cage, knocking the wind out of me.

  “Harley! No!” Vicky yelled.

  He drew back and delivered a second punch to that exact same spot, and the right side of my body exploded in pain. I picked up my leg and kicked, but Harley stepped back and my foot swung through dead air. I kept it cocked waiting for Harley to come at me again.

  Then Charlie let go of one of my elbows, freeing up his arm to wrap it around my neck. He jerked my head hard to the left, like he was trying to pop it off my shoulders. I turned my body to follow. Then he gave my neck a sharp yank to the right. I pushed against a table with my foot, knocking Charlie off balance. He fell to the floor, and I went down on top of him, his arm still around my throat, strangling me.

  I reached back and punched Charlie in the side of the head with my free hand, and that’s when I saw Nathan Calder come bursting through the door. Charlie let me loose, and I rolled off of him, gasping for air and coughing.

  Harley tried to run past me, to escape out the back door, but I kicked his knee as he jumped over me, his legs folding together, sending him crashing to the floor on top of Charlie. Nathan was on him before he could get back to his feet.

  Nathan put Harley in an arm bar, pressing his face down on the floor. “Damn it, Harley, stop struggling or I’ll have to Tase you.”

  “He started it,” Harley yelled. “I was defending myself.”

  “That’s right,” Charlie chimed in. “It was self-defense.” He pointed at me. “This guy came at Harley. I was trying to break it up when you got here.”

  “You weren’t trying to break up nothing,” Vicky yelled. “You were in on it. I saw you.”

  “That not true, Deputy,” Charlie said, a look of utter indignation on his face. “I was breaking it up, I swear.”

  “Don’t you believe him, Nathan,” Vicky said. She was out from behind the bar now, standing a few feet back from the scuffle. “Harley attacked Joe. And this one…” She pointed at Charlie. “He jumped in and tried to twist Joe’s head off.”

  “What’re you doing, Nathan?” Harley yelled, but his words were barely intelligible through his slur. “I’m the victim here.”

  Nathan ratcheted handcuffs around Harley’s wrists and stood him up. I’d managed to scoot out of the way to give Deputy Calder room to make his arrests. Charlie was on his feet, brushing dirt off of his nicely pressed khakis.

  “Marv, did you see what happened?” Nathan asked.

  “I’m right here,” I said. “I can tell you what happened.”

  “What about it, Marv?”

  Marv was out of the kitchen now and leaning over the bar. “Vicky told me that Harley was up to no good, but when the shit hit the fan, I was in the kitchen calling you guys.”

  Charlie thumped his finger into his chest. “I was trying to break it up. That’s all I got to say.”

  “That’s bullshit,” I said from my place on the floor.

  “I’m taking Harley to jail,” Nathan said. “You,” he said, pointing at Charlie, “should probably get on out of here.”

  “Aren’t you going to arrest him?” I said. “He was in on it.”

  “I’ll get a statement from you all later,” Nathan said.

  “I’ll be at the Caspen Inn,” I said. “Room eight.” Then, more to myself, I added, “I think I need to lie down.”

  Nathan led Harley out the front door as Charlie slipped out the back.

  “Are you okay?” Vicky leaned down and put her hand on my shoulder.

  Breathing hurt like hell, but I said, “All things considered, I’m great.”

  “Can you stand up?”

  “Sure.” I started to lift myself up, but a bolt of pain exploded in my chest, and I sat back down on the floor. “I think he bruised my rib.”

  “Put your arm around my neck,” she said, roping my left arm across her shoulders. “Marv? A hand please?”

  Marv ambled out from behind the bar and hooked his wrist under my right armpit. Together, they lifted me off the floor. Good god it hurt. “Yup,” I said. “He definitely bruised my rib.”

  They loosened their hold on me, and the room went blurry. I tipped back into the seat of the booth behind me as the lights in my head dimmed.

  “Hold on there,” Marv said, grabbing my arm to keep me upright. “You may have a concussion. Can you see my fingers?”

  I looked and could see that he held two fingers up in a peace sign, but they were blurry. I tried to blink the blur away, but his fingers remained fuzzy. “Tw
o fingers,” I said. “But everything’s a little out of focus.”

  Vicky said, “We should probably get an EMT down here to take a look at you.”

  “I’m all right. I just need to rest for a while.” I stood up with the help of both Marv and Vicky. My knees didn’t seem to lock as tightly as I would have liked, but I didn’t fall. “I’ll just go back to the motel. I’ll be okay.”

  Marv said, “Vicky, you’d better help him back. Don’t want him passing out on the street.”

  “I think I can make it,” I said.

  “That’s what they all say,” Marv replied. “Right before they drop. I used to be a football coach. Let her walk you back.”

  Vicky wrapped her fingers around my elbow and led me out the front door of the Snipe’s Nest, the evening sunlight adding to the throbbing in my head. As my eyes adjusted, I could see Charlie sitting in his car in front of the bar, his eyes on me, burning with fury.

  Chapter 36

  After walking a block, my ribs still throbbed with pain, but my legs had regained some strength. I felt a little strange letting Vicky help me back to the motel, but then I would have missed a turn had she not been there to steer me. “See,” she said. “Marv was right to send me along.”

  I unlocked the door and said, “I can take it from here.”

  “Nonsense,” she said. “I’ll stay until Nathan stops by to take your statement. I don’t want you passing out.” She led me into the room, kicked the door closed with her foot, and sat me on the edge of the bed. “I had a bruised rib once. Even the smallest move can hurt like a bitch.” She started stacking all the pillows from both beds together against my headboard. “I’m really sorry about what Harley did,” she said.

  “That wasn’t your fault.”

  “I’m not so sure.” She crawled onto the bed behind me and started fluffing the pillows, arranging them so that I could recline. “Harley and me dated back in high school, and I think he still has a thing for me. He can be a little crazy that way.”

  “Charlie put him up to it; at least that’d be my guess.”

  “I doubt Harley Redding needed all that much encouragement. He can be a troublemaker. Plus, you’re Toke’s kid, and that thing with the GTO probably still burns him up.”

  “Do you think Harley had anything to do with Toke’s death?”

  Vicky paused at that question, kneeling on the bed beside me, her hands squeezing her thighs as she contemplated that idea. “Harley? A killer?”

  “You saw the way he came at me tonight.”

  “Harley loses his temper, but I can’t see him killing anyone.”

  “Not even someone who swindled him out of his favorite car?”

  “He did love that car,” she said. “But killing Toke over that? I can’t see it.” She rolled off the bed and came around to my side. “We’re going to ease you back. It’s gonna hurt.” She wrapped her arms around my shoulders. “Try not to use your chest muscles. Just let me do the work.”

  I relaxed into her as much as I could, but the pain shot up my right side anyway. I stiffened, and she held me tighter, settling me into the pillows, her long hair falling against my cheek. I could feel the strength of her hands on my back and the softness of her chest against mine. The smell of her perfume distracted me from the pain.

  I settled into the pillows, and she moved with me, the tension releasing from my chest with a final exhale. But she remained in that embrace, one arm around my shoulder, the other holding my head, her cheek pressed against my cheek. Then she gently slid her lips to mine and kissed me.

  And I let her.

  A thousand shards ricocheted through my brain in that instant, half of them feeble rationales for why this was okay. I was hurt. This was compassion, nothing more. She was kissing me; I wasn’t kissing her. I’d been drinking. I might have a concussion, so I wasn’t thinking straight. It was only a kiss.

  But those were all lies, and I knew it.

  Her lips were soft and tasted of cinnamon gum. Her finger pressed against the back of my head, pulling me into her. The kiss was warm and gentle and lasted for only a few seconds before it was interrupted by a knock at the door.

  She pulled back an inch, her hair still tickling my face, an expression of disappointment in her eyes. “Nathan,” she whispered.

  I didn’t say a word. I wouldn’t have known what to say if I tried. Deep down, I was happy for Nathan’s intrusion. He put an end to something that I couldn’t—or at least didn’t. I felt a hundred ways of wrong at that moment.

  Vicky gave me a coy smile and got up to answer the door. “Nathan, you have a terrible sense of…”

  When she didn’t finish her sentence, I looked at the door, expecting to see Nathan Calder. Instead, I saw Lila, standing in the open doorway, a look of confusion on her face. She went back and forth between Vicky and me, and her confusion fell away. In its place was hurt, profound and raw. Her eyes filled with tears as she turned and ran. I tried to get up, forgetting my bruised rib for a second, but the pain knocked me back down onto the pillows. I held still until I was able to breathe again. Then I rolled onto my side and off the bed, hobbling to the door in time to see her drive away.

  Chapter 37

  I called Lila’s phone twice on my drive back to St. Paul. She didn’t answer, and honestly, I didn’t expect her to.

  I had two and a half hours behind the wheel to think about the coming conversation. The fog from Harley’s punch had cleared from my head, and if I breathed in shallow breaths, and leaned slightly to my right, I could keep the pain in my ribs from shouting. With that under control, I turned my attention to what I would say to Lila.

  She hadn’t seen the kiss, I knew that. When Vicky opened the door, I was lying on the bed, and both Vicky and I were fully clothed. Lila would never know about the kiss unless I told her. “It’s not what you think,” I would tell her. “Nothing happened.” But something did happen, and I knew it. I knew the taste of Vicky’s lips and the feel of her breasts pressing against my chest as she pulled me deeper into that kiss. I knew the struggle of my words: yes and no, twisting up in my throat, with neither finding voice. I knew that telling Lila the truth would wound her in a way that could never be undone.

  I knew all these things, but I also knew that I would not lie to Lila.

  I paused in the hallway outside our apartment. Should I knock? It was my apartment too, after all. Yet I had violated something sacred, and entering without permission seemed suddenly wrong. I took a middle path. I knocked and opened the door at the same time, peeking my head in to see that she wasn’t in the living room.

  “Lila?”

  No answer.

  Stepping into the dark apartment, I closed the door behind me and walked a few feet until I could see light cutting a line beneath the bedroom door. “Lila?” I called again, louder this time so that my entry into the bedroom would not startle her.

  I listened at the door, and then knocked lightly. She didn’t answer. I opened it to find her sitting on the bed tucked up into a ball, her back against the headboard, her arms folded across her knees, and her face buried in her arms. I walked in slowly, the way one does when trying to not frighten a wild animal.

  “Who is she?” Lila didn’t lift her head when she asked.

  “She’s nobody.” As soon as the words left my lips I regretted saying them. All my practice on the drive up went out the window.

  “Don’t lie!” Lila lifted her head and looked at me, her eyes red from crying. “She was in your room. She’s not nobody.”

  “You’re right,” I said. “I’m sorry.” I sat on the edge of the bed, being careful to keep some space between us. “Her name is Vicky. She’s a bartender down there. I…I got into a fight with one of the local boys tonight. Vicky walked me home.”

  “And that’s all she did?” Lila searched my eyes for the lie she was expecting.

  “No,” I said. “That’s not all.”

  Lila’s breath caught on something, and she paused to take in
my words. The corners of her lips tugged downward, but she swallowed and pressed on. “Did you…screw her?”

  “No,” I said.

  “Did you kiss her?”

  I tried to answer with words, but the most I could do was nod.

  “What else?”

  “Nothing—I mean, she gave me a ride on her motorcycle one night, out to see the Hix farm. We talked. And tonight, after the fight, she walked me home and…” I shrugged.

  “I stopped you?”

  “We just kissed the once.”

  “Do you really think that makes it better?” Lila’s hurt was turning to anger. I braced for more, but she pulled back. Her eyes had filled with tears again. I can’t remember ever seeing Lila cry before, and to see it now carved a hole in my chest.

  “How could you do that to me? I…I don’t understand.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “It just…”

  “Don’t you dare say ‘it just happened.’ Nothing like this just happens. Don’t disrespect me like that.”

  “No, that’s not…I don’t know what I meant.”

  “I don’t get it.” Tears flowed down her face now as she spoke. “All I needed from you was for you to be a good man. That’s all I ever asked. You don’t have to be superman to make me happy. All you had to do was be a decent guy, and you couldn’t do that. Did I ask too much? I honestly don’t understand. Help me get it. Why do you need another woman?”

  “I don’t need another woman. I don’t want anyone else. I love you, Lila. I don’t know what happened. She and I were talking at the bar. We were kind of celebrating because the DNA results came back, and I’m definitely Toke’s son. Lila, we’re going to have a bunch of money in a few months.”

  “You think I care about money?” Lila spat her words out with disgust, as if that notion repulsed her more than the kiss. “How could you think that of me? Who are you?”

  “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that things have been stressful around here. If we had money—”

  “So this is what I can expect when the going gets a little tough?”

  “No.”