Deserving of Luke

by Tracy Wolff

  “You want to tell me where you got the idea that I’m not in this for the long haul?” Logan asked through gritted teeth. “I want to be a part of Luke’s life.”

  “Well, goody for you. But I think it’d be better if we took things slowly.”

  “I don’t want to take anything slowly! I’ve already missed too damn much of his life, Paige. I want to be a father to him.”

  “I can see that. But, like I said, being a father is about more than taking the kid for ice cream or on a few rides.”

  “That’s what I’m talking about—why I want to see him every day. So that I can get to know him, learn everything there is to know about him.”

  “And break his heart when he’s learned to depend on you?” The words came out of nowhere, but once they were spoken, Paige wouldn’t have retracted them even if she could. Not when they so accurately summed up how she felt about him and what he’d done to her.

  Logan had betrayed her nine years ago, had chosen his friends over her. How was she supposed to believe he wouldn’t do the same thing with their son?

  Everything had started out great with them, too. When Logan had been with her, really with her, she’d felt as though she was the center of his universe. And when he’d cut her out of his life, he’d done it as absolutely. It was as if he had forgotten all about her, and any argument she had tried to make had fallen on deaf ears. After a few weeks, she’d figured out that she had, quite simply, ceased to exist for him.

  The pain had taught her well. She couldn’t count on anyone else to take care of her or make her happy. And she damn sure couldn’t count on anyone to take care of her son for her. Luke was her responsibility and she would do what she thought was best for him.

  “Why are you so convinced I’m going to do the wrong thing by him?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be? What have you done to make me think otherwise? You were late for your first meeting with him, proving to both Luke and me that your job is more important to you than he’ll ever be.”

  “I’m a small-town sheriff.” His voice was quiet, cold. “Sometimes emergencies come up. I can’t do anything about that.”

  “No one’s asking you to, Logan. But Luke’s a kid. He doesn’t understand all that. He’s a little boy who wants a father.”

  “I know that. That’s why I’m trying to be one for him.”

  “Yeah, for now. But what happens when you get bored or busy or don’t want to see him anymore? What happens when he does or says something that doesn’t fit your order of the universe and you cut him out? He won’t understand—”

  “That isn’t going to happen.”

  “How do I know that? You got rid of me when you thought I didn’t fit your perfect image. And you’ve lost interest in nearly everything you’ve ever done in your life. Me, your football scholarship, being a homicide detective in Seattle, your marriage. Name one thing you’ve stuck to when things got tough and maybe I’ll reexamine my opinion of you.”

  His eyes narrowed. “None of that happened the way you’re making it sound.”

  “Oh, really? So you didn’t walk away from me the second the gossip got too hot for you to handle? You didn’t quit the Huskies football team the second you got injured, though everyone said you would be able to play again?”

  “He’s my son. I’m not going to quit on him.”

  “You already did, before he was even born. Why will this time be any different?”

  “You’re being irrational, Paige, borrowing trouble where there isn’t any. But what should I expect from a woman who can rewrite history any way she likes it?”

  “I’m not the one rewriting history, Logan. You’re the one who only sees what he wants.”

  “How did I get to be the only bad guy in this situation? We were both immature, we both made mistakes. If you hadn’t lied to me, we wouldn’t be here now.”

  “I never lied to you!”

  “Bullshit. Now you’re not remembering clearly. You used to lie to everyone, all the time, about everything. About where you were and who you were with and what you were doing.”

  “But I never lied to you—”

  “Why? Because I was so special? Give me a break. At the time, I put it down as your defense mechanism, your way of not letting people see how easily you could get hurt. But you have to admit, a history of not telling the truth made it a little difficult for me to believe you when push came to shove. After all, you are the one who cheated on me. And you’re the one who got pregnant, despite the fact that we used birth control. So how was I supposed to believe you when you told me that you were carrying my kid?”

  “Because I wasn’t cheating on you. Because I didn’t get pregnant on my own. Because I loved you and you said you loved me and I thought that meant something. Because you owed me—and our child—the benefit of the doubt before you simply cut us out of your life. If you really thought I was lying to you, then you owed me the chance to prove you wrong.”

  The bewilderment and hurt reared up again, and not for the first time Paige cursed her decision to come here. She and Luke had a good life in L.A., one she’d worked very hard for and one that she enjoyed very much. When she was there, she didn’t think about the past. Or at least, didn’t dwell on might-have-beens. Things were good and that was enough.

  But here, where everything had started, things were a million times more complicated. Not only because Logan was here, demanding to be a part of Luke’s life, but because he resurrected feelings in her that she’d thought were long dead. Feelings of inadequacy and hurt and betrayal and, yes, even longing. Maybe not for him, but for what had once been. For what the seventeen-year-old Paige had wanted to be.

  It was an awkward place for her to be in, especially when she had a child she needed to protect.

  The seconds ticked by and she watched Logan, who seemed lost in a world of his own as he paced their little stretch of driveway. Though his face was shadowed, his body language said he was as disturbed as she was. She was sorry for that—sorry that she had been the one to blast his good mood out of the water. At the same time, she couldn’t regret asking the questions she needed answered.

  “Look,” Logan finally said. “It’s obvious we have very different interpretations of what happened back then. You’re furious because I cut you out. I’m livid because you kept my son away from me.”

  “I didn’t—”

  “You did. You could have gotten in touch with me after he was born, could have demanded a paternity test to prove that he was my child.”

  “Why should I have to do that? I told you he was yours, begged you to believe me. And after he was born—when I was still in the hospital—I had Penny call you and tell you about him. You hung up on her.”

  “I didn’t think—”

  “Do you think I care what you thought? Do you think I really give a damn about that? I did what I could to let you know about your son. I have absolutely no guilt on that front. And I am not going to stand here and listen to you try to weasel your way out of your own culpability. You were wrong. And if you can’t accept that, I don’t think you need to be a part of Luke’s life.”

  He got in her face then. “Don’t even think about keeping my son from me.”

  “I don’t respond well to threats. You keep that in mind.”

  “Neither do I. You might keep that in mind, as well.”

  She refused to give him the satisfaction of retreating, so she stayed where she was. Breathing the same air Logan was. Looking into eyes that were so like their son’s it made her heart catch in her chest.

  Was she being unreasonable? she wondered for the first time as she saw the pain and confusion in his expression. Was her desire to protect her son making her see phantoms where there weren’t any?

  She didn’t know how long they stood that way, the past yawning between them like an abyss. But as the seconds turned into minutes, she became aware of a new charge in the air—one that had nothing to do with sorrow and anger and everything to do with the c
onnection between them.

  Logan leaned in a little closer and she knew she wasn’t the only one affected by their proximity. He was breathing fast and hard and the heat pouring off him warmed her, despite the wind from the ocean. He bent his head, his face getting even closer to hers, and for one, wild heartbeat, she thought he was going to kiss her.

  Her heart jumped, her blood pounded faster, her eyes tried to close. And she waited—for the feel of his lips brushing hers, for the heat of his body resting against hers. She arched her back, leaned toward him. Held her breath as she felt desire bloom deep inside her.

  And that reaction, that sudden craving for his touch, jolted her to reality the way nothing else could. With a strangled gasp, she scrambled backward until her spine rested against his car door. She didn’t want this, would never want this. Not with Logan—not after everything that had passed between them. She would do well to remember that. The past was dead and she was never, never going back there again.

  “You’re right.” The words emerged stilted and abrupt, but she was proud of herself for squeezing sound through her suddenly tight throat. “You’re right. We’re not going to agree on the past—our versions of what happened are too different. But we don’t have to. All we have to do is work together to make sure that Luke is happy and well-adjusted.”

  Logan didn’t answer right away. Instead, he looked out at the dark ocean as it crashed against the rocks. Were they destined to end up like that? Forever crashing against each other until one of them completely eroded the other?

  She hoped not—she didn’t want to disappear any more than she wanted Logan to.

  “So, what do you suggest?” he finally asked, his voice as husky as hers.

  “What’s wrong with taking it slow?” He started to interrupt, but she held up a hand. “I’m not saying you need to wait until next week to see Luke, but let’s take this thing day by day. See how it goes.”

  “I’m not going to change my mind, Paige.”

  “Maybe not,” she acknowledged in what she figured was a big concession for her. “But that doesn’t mean Luke won’t get overwhelmed if you’re always in his face. You’ve been absent until now. Too much, too soon might upset him.”

  “Maybe you’re right. I don’t want to push too hard and you know him better than I do, obviously. I can let you set the limits for him for now.”

  Not exactly thrilled with the for now part of his comment, but happy that they were at least making progress, Paige bit her tongue to hold back the sarcastic comment that was right there, waiting to come out. Logan was trying to see her side of the argument, to acknowledge that his wasn’t the only position, and that had to be good enough for her. For now.

  “Thank you for that,” she said with a small smile. “So, why don’t we meet somewhere in the middle on this? We can start with lunch at Prospector’s tomorrow, see how that goes. If it works out, maybe you can take him to a movie this weekend. There are a couple out right now that he’s dying to see.”

  “That sounds really good, actually.” He seemed surprised, and she wondered, again, if she’d been too vehement in her protection of Luke. She had a hard time understanding that not every change in their lives was a threat to Luke.

  “All right then.” She nodded, blew out a breath. “So we’ll see you tomorrow. Does twelve-thirty sound okay?”

  It did, and as she watched him drive away a couple of minutes later, Paige was aware that she was heading down a path from which there was no return. All she could do now was hope that both she and her son made it to the finish line unscathed.

  CHAPTER NINE

  “DON’T WORRY SO MUCH,” Penny said to Paige five days later as she coated her roller in yellow paint. The electricians and drywall guys had finished in the bedroom this morning and the two of them were attacking the walls with gusto. “I’m sure they’re doing fine together.”

  “I know you’re right,” Paige answered, glancing out the window for what had to be the fifteenth time in as many minutes. There was still no red truck pulling into the driveway, still no sign of her son and his father. It wasn’t that she was worried. It was just that— “They were due back from the movie at six o’clock.”

  “And it’s not even six-thirty. Maybe they stopped for a hamburger or something.”

  Paige nodded, because she’d already thought of that. In the days since Logan and Luke had officially met, the two had become thick as thieves and Luke was always conspiring for a way to spend more time with his dad.

  After their lunch date at Prospector’s last Wednesday, the three of them had gone to the park, where she had sat on the grass and watched as Luke and Logan threw a football around. She’d enjoyed the afternoon quite a bit—and only part of that enjoyment had stemmed from the fact that she wasn’t the one having to catch the ball.

  Since then, they’d met at the beach once, where Luke and Logan had had a great time combing the sand for shells, hermit crabs and other sea life. Logan’s ease and patience with their son was why she’d decided to okay the solo movie adventure this afternoon.

  She’d thought it would be good for them to spend some time together without her. Being around Logan so much lately, seeing how he was with Luke, kept reminding her of all the things she had once loved about him. His patience. His intelligence. The innate sense of kindness that had him pausing from his own activities to talk to lonely old ladies or help someone look for a lost puppy. And since she couldn’t afford to go there she’d figured a movie would be a low-key way for them to do that. After all, conversation wasn’t required while a superhero was going head to head with his archnemesis.

  But the movie had let out at 5:30 p.m. and they still weren’t home. It was ridiculous to worry, but a part of her felt physically ill. What if there had been an accident? What if Logan had upset Luke and he’d run away from him? What if Logan had grabbed their son and fled the jurisdiction? Sure, it was a crazy idea, but crazier things had been known to happen.

  “I wish I’d gone with them,” she said as she painted her side of room.

  “You can’t be with them all the time, you know. Besides, if you went with them, who’d help me finish this room? The furniture you ordered is coming on Wednesday.”

  Paige let her sister distract her, as she knew Penny was trying to do. “I know. I can’t wait to see the bed in here. It’s going to be gorgeous with these wood floors, and that area rug I picked up the other day.”

  “I can’t believe how good you are at this sort of thing,” Penny said. “I could study catalogs for weeks and still not come up with the perfect combination the way you do. These rooms are going to be gorgeous when they’re done.”

  “It’s practice, no big deal.”

  “It’s a huge deal. You left here with nothing and put yourself through school as well as taking care of a baby and work.”

  “You make me sound like an after-school special.”

  “No. I make you sound like an inspiration, which is why you’re uncomfortable. You can’t stand it when anyone notices how awesome you are.”

  Paige laughed, pretended to buff her fingernails on her shirt. “What can I say? Some people have it—”

  “And some people don’t!” chimed in Penny. “And it doesn’t even count as bragging if it’s true.”

  “Sure it does. But since only my sister is around to hear me—”

  “Only your sister? I’m hurt.” Paige pouted.

  Paige coated her roller with paint before moving along the wall. “No, you’re not. You’re pretending to be so I’ll feel bad.”

  “Maybe a little. But only because—”

  “It keeps my mind off the fact that Luke is now over half an hour late.”

  “Exactly.” Penny paused as if gathering her courage. “You know, Paige, I’m no fan of Logan’s. I mean, what he did to you can’t exactly be taken back with a few playdates—”

  “I don’t care about what he did to me anymore. That was over a long time ago. I care that he turned his bac
k on Luke without so much as a backward glance. That’s what he can’t take back.”

  “I know. I agree. But at the same time, he’s making Luke incredibly happy. That has to count for something, doesn’t it?”

  “I know, and it does. Why do you think I decided not to fight this thing? My only concern is what’s going to happen when Luke gets to be old hat? When he isn’t a novelty and it isn’t as exciting to have a son around anymore.”

  “Who says Logan is going to get bored? Luke’s not exactly a football position, you know. You’ve been around him for eight years, and from what I can tell, you’ve never been bored.”

  “Yeah, but—” Paige thought over what her sister was saying, and what she wasn’t. “Are you trying to tell me I need to prepare myself, for Logan wanting to be in Luke’s life long-term?”

  Penny shrugged. “It’s not like I’m exactly a fount of information on men. I mean, if I had a clue, I wouldn’t have bought this rundown old place with a guy who was clearly, in retrospect, not committed to it or to me.”

  The bitterness in Penny’s voice instigated a whole new set of worries in Paige. What would she do if Logan didn’t bail at the end of the summer, or before? How was she supposed to deal with this whole father-son thing long term? Luke was her son, her baby, and she wasn’t sure how cool she was with sharing him for the rest of his life—particularly with the man she wasn’t ready to forgive for abandoning him in the first place.

  “Do you really regret it, Penny? Sinking your money into this place?”

  Her sister snorted. “What’s not to regret? It’s a behemoth with bad plumbing and even worse electrical. Not to mention the fact that it’s an eyesore.”

  “You know you don’t have to stay here, don’t you?” Paige paused in rolling—and eyeing the driveway—to look straight into her sister’s eyes. “Not in this house and not in this town. We could do the cosmetics on this place, flip it and you could take the money and go anywhere you want to in the world.”

  “Mmm, that sounds nice. I hear Greece is great this time of year.”