by Kat Mizera
“You’re shocked.” He chuckled.
“I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. I’m kind of flabbergasted.”
“I wouldn’t lead with a proposal, but it’s something to have ready to go once you’ve started working things out.”
I nodded numbly.
“Good luck.” He winked. “I’m rooting for you, but you’ve got a long road ahead of you, and that part isn’t something I can help with.”
“I know.” I shook his hand. “I’ll talk to you soon. Thanks again.”
I headed out to my truck, deep in thought.
Why hadn’t I thought about proposing? I loved her more than anything, and though I’d been focused on nothing but winning her back, it never occurred to me to buy her a fucking engagement ring. What the hell was wrong with me? It was so easy and had I thought of it before, it might have made a big difference in how things went down. I still had to fix what I’d fucked up, and I was going to. The question was how. How did I make this up to her while simultaneously convincing her I wasn’t like her mother?
Since I couldn’t immediately come up with a definitive answer on how to win back her trust, I focused on something I could do: Buy a ring. I had a good idea what she might like but no idea where to find it, so I texted Ian, since he’d bought a gorgeous ring for Everly.
ZAAN: Can you recommend someone who can make a custom engagement ring quickly?
IAN: Sure… Has something changed with you and Lexi?
ZAAN: Not yet, but I’m working on it.
IAN: Let me go through my contacts and I’ll send you the info for the two places I looked.
ZAAN: Thanks.
I put down my phone and looked around my very empty condo. Without Lexi, my life had very little meaning. We’d been apart geographically for most of the last four years, but somehow it was different this time. I’d had her back, not just in my life and my bed, but living with me, at my side. Yes, she was gone a lot, but knowing she was coming home changed our dynamic. Why had I gotten greedy?
It suddenly seemed very simple. Now that Rob had put the thought in my head, I realized how dumb I’d been. I hadn’t given her a reason to believe I was in this for the long haul, beyond our sweet words and mind-blowing sex. I’d done a lot of talking but I hadn’t shown her my feelings in a tangible way. Not that Lexi would be moved by an expensive piece of jewelry, but I had no doubt she would be receptive to what it stood for. Had that been my bigger mistake, not showing her the extent of my love for her? Talk was cheap, after all, and I’d been the one who gave up on us before.
She’d been faithful to me all the times we’d been apart, except our one official breakup. I had too, but while I’d gone a little crazy after we ended things, she’d been with one guy and immediately realized she wasn’t ready or willing to move on. I’d recognized that as well, but I’d been compelled to test the waters over and over, as if I’d magically find the right woman to replace her if I kept trying. So Lexi was definitely more in tune to her feelings than I was, which was embarrassing considering everything I’d done lately.
I was going ring shopping immediately, but I still had a lot of soul-searching to do. My attempt to inadvertently control her needed to be addressed because that wasn’t the man I was. It really wasn’t. I’d honestly wanted to help but there had been a part of me that just wanted her to be home with me. Until I sorted that out, it wouldn’t be right to propose, but I was going to do my damnedest to get there.
29
Lexi
What should have been the most exciting time of my life slowly turned into drudgery. Though the music was fantastic, my heart wasn’t in it anymore, and every day at the studio was a struggle. I hadn’t talked much about the breakup with Zaan, but there was no doubt I was hurting. Casey did her best to encourage me, and I appreciated it even though nothing helped.
Dad and Mack had been both sympathetic and supportive, but it was pretty obvious they didn’t think what Zaan had done was as big a deal as I did. The worst part was, I wasn’t sure how I felt anymore either. I didn’t know how to reconcile the disparate emotions, but they were clear as a bell in my heart. My brain wasn’t as on board as the rest of me, though, continually making up excuses and scenarios that proved how much better off I was without someone who would try to control me. Except in my heart of hearts, I didn’t believe that. Zaan had made a mistake but he wasn’t a bad guy.
I wasn’t sleeping worth shit and no amount of makeup could cover the bags beneath my eyes. My voice wasn’t as strong either, since it suffered when I didn’t take care of myself. That was one of many reasons I’d been so against the hard-core partying with Special Kay. That kind of thing impacted me on so many levels, and nothing was more important than my voice and my health.
Until now.
Suddenly I didn’t care as much and while I plodded through each day, it wasn’t the same. Today had been so frustrating, I’d nearly burst into tears, and after messing up three times, I called for a break and walked outside. The Vegas sun was hotter than hell but I didn’t care. I sank down against a shaded wall of the building and stared out at nothing. I had to get my head out of my ass. No matter what was going on with Zaan and me, this was my job and I couldn’t afford to blow this.
“Lex?” Bash came around the corner, a curious look on his face.
“Hey.” I didn’t look at him, just continued to stare out at the blue Nevada sky.
“You okay?”
“I guess.”
He sank down next to me, so our backs were both pressed against the wall. He brought his knees up a little and rested his forearms on them.
“It’s hot as balls out here.”
“I know.”
“What’s wrong? One of the guys giving you a hard time?”
“No, this is personal, not professional.”
“You and Zaan hit a speed bump?”
“We trashed the whole underbelly of the car.”
He grimaced. “What happened?”
I gave him the Reader’s Digest version and he nodded. “I get it. This life is hard. So is his. Not sure what kind of advice to give you. Obviously, I’m single as fuck, so I haven’t found a way to make it work with anyone long-term either.”
“But you tried.” I turned to him. “With me.”
“I did.”
“What would we have done once we stopped touring together? You guys were headed to Europe and we were going to the West Coast. We would’ve been apart for at least six months.”
“Yup.”
“That’s it?”
He shrugged. “We never got that far, but back then I would’ve been willing to try because it seemed worth it. At first anyway. You’re beautiful, talented, a lot of fun to be with, sexy, with a little bit of sass, which I personally love. I don’t know what your relationship with Zaan is like. He seems like a mellow guy, a lot like me, so you definitely have a type. But you were still in love with another man when we were together, which impacted what we had, and now the guy you couldn’t forget isn’t right either. Is something else going on? Are you just not ready to be in a relationship? It’s okay if that’s the case—twenty-two is young to be thinking about forever.”
“I have no idea. I feel like I’m ready. I want to be with him. But maybe neither of us are. There’s so much going on, it’s like I’m being pulled in twenty different directions. I want to do this project—it’s the most exciting thing I’ve ever done professionally. I also need to spend time with Zaan, to see if this is meant to be or not, but now everything is a mess and I’m singing like shit.”
“I’m sorry you’re struggling. I suck at relationships but I’ve had to learn not to let it impact my work. The life of a touring musician is rough, both on us and the people we love. You know that Journey song? The one that talks about how being on the road isn’t easy on a love affair? That’s my go-to song whenever I break up with someone because it fits.”
“Does that mean you think I should walk away?”
/> He sighed. “I think you’ve loved him a long time and you have to make sure you’re truly ready to walk away or you’ll never get over it. You and I were good together, but he was always in the room with us. After seeing you two together, I don’t think you’re over him by a long shot, and you guys didn’t give it enough of a shot to be sure of anything either way.”
“So I should be the one to reach out even though he’s the one that fucked up.”
“I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you doing nothing isn’t working.”
“Gee, thanks.” I gave him a rueful smile.
He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on the top of my head. “Food for thought, hon. Now put it all out of your mind for the next few hours, come back inside, and let’s make some music. The situation with Zaan isn’t going anywhere and we have a show to get ready for.”
“You’re right.”
He got to his feet and then held out his hands to help me up. I took them with a genuine smile this time. “Thanks for listening.”
“Any time.”
We walked back inside and though nothing had changed, there was the tiniest glimmer of hope in my heart. Maybe I had to be the one to make the first move because that had always been our dynamic. Except what always worked before wasn’t working now and I didn’t want to repeat history.
My phone rang and my doctor’s name flashed on the screen. My insides tightened and I let it ring three times before finally accepting the call. “Yes, hello?”
“Lexi? It’s Dr. Rothberg.”
“Hey, Doc.”
“Good news, hon. It was nothing but a lipoma.”
“Oh god.” My knees got weak and I slid back down, my back against the wall as tears overcame me.
“It’s okay, Lexi. You’re fine. Breathe.”
“I—th-thank you.” I was crying, overwhelmed with relief. I hadn’t realized just how scared I’d been until this moment.
“Take care of yourself and call me if you need anything.”
“Hey, Lex, did you—” Bash came back around the corner and froze. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
I waved my phone at him but was crying too hard to say anything.
“Lexi? What happened? Was that the doctor?”
“Oh, god, it was bad news.” He sank back down beside me as I tried to get my feelings under control.
“N-no… I-I’m fine.” I was sobbing now, all the emotions I’d been holding in the last few weeks coming out in a rush. “I’m…okay.”
“Oh, fuck, you scared me.” He reached out to hug me, pulling me close and letting me cry it out.
“I’m sorry,” I said after a minute. “I guess I was a lot more afraid than I let on.”
“Of course you were.” He stroked my hair. “I’m surprised you were functional at all.”
“Fuck, is my face a mess?”
“Your face is fine, but your mascara smudged.”
I grimaced. “Shit. Can you tell everyone that I got good news about the biopsy while I go wash my face?”
“Sure.” He got up and held out his hands again, and this time I laughed.
“Thanks for being my friend, Bash. It means a lot to me.”
“If we’re going to be working together, we have to be, and honestly, I’m not the kind of guy who holds on to shit. The past is the past.”
“That it is.” I followed him inside and detoured to the ladies’ room. I washed my face, fixed my eye makeup a little so I didn’t look like a raccoon and then texted Dad and Mack to tell them the good news.
DAD: That’s fan-fucking-tastic, honey. Make sure you text Zaan. He’s worried about this, even if you’re not together anymore. And I’ll text your mom so you don’t have to deal with it.
LEXI: Thank you! And yes, I’ll text Zaan.
But as I held the phone in my hand, I didn’t want to text him now. I was about to go back into rehearsal and it really felt like this was the opening I needed to call him. That’s what I would do. Either on our next break or when we were done for the day. A text felt far too impersonal for news like this.
“Hey, glad you’re back,” Jayson called to me as I came in. “Congratulations on the biopsy report. That’s good news.”
“I’m so happy for you.” Casey came and hugged me tightly. “I was really scared.”
“Me too.” I hugged her back, eternally grateful for her friendship.
“Okay, now back to work,” Jayson said. “Casey and I had an idea for the set we’re going to play in L.A. What if we played an original, with you on vocals, Lex?”
“We don’t have any originals,” Ford said in confusion.
Casey smiled. “But Lexi does.”
I glanced at her in surprise. “I do, but—”
“You have any samples?” Tyler asked automatically.
I tried again. “I do. But don’t you think—”
“Let’s hear something,” Stu interrupted. “If we can get it down before the show, it’ll be something to get people thinking ahead, to something coming in the future. If enough people start talking about it, the record company will notice.”
“I have a publicist who could create some buzz,” Casey mused.
“As do I,” I said, warming to the idea. “Let me get my laptop.”
I had hundreds of songs. Most were just lyrics, but I had melodies to some as well, music I’d recorded on my computer on those long bus rides between concerts. I had one in particular that I loved, and I decided to play it for them even though it was rough. It was called “Raging Inferno,” and it was loosely about my struggles with Special Kay, how much they’d hated me and how desperate I’d been to rage back at them.
Something deep inside
Makes me want to scream
I wanna punch your face
Even in my dreams.
It’s time for me to move,
Find the buttons that you push.
I can’t stop the screaming
I’m not really dreaming
Help me stop this bleeding
I’m a raging inferno,
Rage is all I see,
We’re all raging infernos
Don’t you wish you were me?
There was another verse, and a bridge that would showcase my vocal range, and with the right accompaniment, this song could become the hard rock anthem I’d been dreaming of performing most of my life.
I was a little nervous as I pressed the button to play it, but everyone crowded around my laptop and Bash started tapping his foot and then drumming on the table. Tyler started humming a bass line and by the end, everyone was singing the chorus.
“Oh, fuck yeah,” Ford said with a grin. “I feel that angst all the way to my toes, man.”
“It’s gritty as fuck,” Stu agreed.
“I think we can do it,” Jayson said. “In fact, I’d be interested in producing this song if an album happens.”
“Hey, I was gonna say that!” Casey protested, playfully nudging him.
We all laughed.
“Let’s listen to a few more,” Tyler said, “but I think we have something to work on.”
Not only did we have something to work on, we wound up deciding to use two of my songs, “Raging Inferno” and a ballad called “Taking Shots.” Both were angsty and gritty, despite one being a lot slower, and reflective of the dark place I’d been in when I’d written them. However, they were perfect for the style we’d developed over the last few weeks and it seemed like we had a side project in the works even before we’d finished the current project.
The next few days were so busy I barely had time to breathe, and I forgot all about calling Zaan. I was sleeping better, but on the go from the moment I woke up until I dropped into bed late at night. I lived with my dad but barely saw him or Mack, so I was shocked to see Robbie and Shane when I came down to breakfast the Sunday before we were leaving for L.A.
“Oh my god!” I let out a squeal of delight, running to hug them.
I held both of them tightly, a l
ittle overwhelmed at how good it was to see them. I’d seen them briefly a couple of months ago, but now I had a chance to have them to myself, and of course, I had to leave in a few minutes. We were busting our asses to get ready for the show on Wednesday night and there just weren’t enough hours in the day.
“I didn’t realize you were coming,” I told them.
“Dad said you were recording an album with Pretty Harts,” Shane said. “That’s badass. Can I come listen?”
“Sure.” I nodded. “You can ride in with me and maybe Dad can pick you up in a few hours once you’re bored?”
“Can we have breakfast first?” Robbie asked, his blue eyes finding mine.
“I…yes.” I made an executive decision. “Let me just text Casey and tell her I’m going to be late.”
I sank down at the kitchen table and poked Robbie with my toe. “Go get me some coffee, brat.”
He arched his brows. “Do I look ten to you anymore?”
“My twenty-year-old brother can get me coffee just as easily as my ten-year-old brother.”
He seemed to consider this. “Okay.” He lumbered over to the Keurig machine, popped a pod into it, and pressed the button to brew it.
“So tell us everything,” Shane said, sitting across from me as he dug into a plate of bacon and eggs. “I mean, about the band.”
“And about Zaan.” Robbie set my coffee in front of me with a little smirk.
“Oh, well, talking about the band could take all day,” I replied with a little laugh.
“Try,” Shane said, grinning at me.
“Okay.” I talked about the songs, the other guys, and answered a million questions about Casey, since both of my brothers were big fans.
“I have to get going,” I finally told them as it crept towards noon. “If you’re coming with me, this is probably the best time to say hello to everyone. Once we start playing, it’ll be hours before we break.”
“Cool!” Shane was already on his feet and I laughed as both he and Robbie were ready to go in ten seconds flat.