The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy)

by A. J. Carpenter

  ‘Yeah, alright. I’ll see ya tomorrow though and you can tell me all about it, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah, laters.’

  And with that Felicity hung up.

  ‘Felicity! Felicity!’ Beverley continued from downstairs.

  ‘What?’ Felicity retorted.

  ‘Can you come down here for a second, sweetheart?’

  Felicity was well aware that her mum would be requiring some sort of assistance or a ‘little favour, darling.’ But nevertheless she descended the stairs to see her.

  ‘What?’ Felicity snubbed, standing in the doorway of the kitchen where her mother was yet to move from.

  ‘Hello, sweetheart, I hope I didn’t disturb you.’

  ‘What do you want?’ Felicity pressed, not amused.

  ‘Am I not allowed to want to see my little girl?’

  Felicity stayed quiet as she waited for the actual reason that she had been screamed out of bed.

  ‘I wondered if you were going to be popping to the shop anytime soon.’

  ‘No,’ Felicity replied, going to leave.

  ‘Darling, please. What’s gotten into you? You used to be such a lovely, good girl.’

  ‘Why don’t you go to the shop, Mum? Why do I always have to go?’

  ‘I would go, darling, but the problem is….’

  ‘The problem is you’re drunk. That’s your fucking problem.’

  ‘Felicity! Language, please! Look, my knee is reaping havoc on me, bloody thing! And I would thoroughly appreciate it, sweetheart. You know I always do. I’ll pay,’ she attempted to persuade, searching unsuccessfully for her wallet.

  ‘Keep your money,’ Felicity cut in. ‘What do you want?’

  Just as Felicity had suspected, her mum reeled off a list of items that she would never use to neatly disguise the drink and smokes order.

  ‘We need milk, bread and butter and a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, large one and a bottle of tonic, darling, small one, oh and a carton of Mayfair.’

  With this, Felicity stormed out and up the stairs.

  Beverley shouted after her, ‘So are you going, princess?’

  Felicity didn’t answer, but yet again Beverley did not notice.

  To be honest, Felicity would be grateful to get out of the house. Her mother was hard enough to handle at the best of times. But with a hangover and a burning between the legs, she was impossible.

  Felicity threw on some jeans and a navy hoody, chucked her phone into her handbag and slammed her bedroom door on the way out. Descending the stairs she could hear her mum shouting.

  ‘Where are you off to, darling? Can you pick me up some gin and fags?’

  With that, Felicity slammed the front door and headed off down the street. She prayed to God that she wouldn’t run into anyone she knew because it looked like she had an invisible hippo between her legs. Attempting to distract herself from the pain, she gave up and texted Sean. After much revision and numerous drafts, her final reply read:

  ‘Got plans tonight. Let’s hook up next week. X.’

  The kiss had caused her much deliberation. She knew that three kisses would be a bit much at this stage and wondered whether she ought to put any on at all because he hadn’t. Finally she decided on just the one, as a compromise and as a way of encouraging him to do the same.

  With the text now sent, Felicity proceeded to spark up a cigarette. The first couple of drags made her chunder but after that it was just what she had needed. Her thoughts flitted between Sean and Derek. And the more that she thought about it, the more convinced she became that she should explain everything to Derek. Besides she could do with some non assuming company for once in her life.

  Heading into the shop, she grabbed the milk, bread and butter, before going to the alcohol section. As hard as it was for Felicity to buy alcohol for her intoxicated mother, she knew that if she did not then she would be annoyed into doing it eventually anyway. Standing, legs spread, looking for the Bombay Sapphire, she got a tap on her shoulder. It was Wesley.

  ‘Hey, Wes, you alright?’

  ‘Yeah, good,’ he lied. Wesley’s older sister had been at school with Felicity, but now lived in North London with her boyfriend. These days Felicity used Wesley as a way of getting hold of weed because one of his mates dealt on the small scale.

  ‘You look a bit rough,’ Wesley commented.

  ‘Thanks!’ Felicity responded, knowing he was right.

  Wesley had always had a bit of a thing for Felicity and so he liked to insult her to keep her off the scent.

  Felicity was well aware of his little crush and regularly laughed about it with his sister.

  ‘I’ll give you a call soon, about getting some.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, anytime,’ was Wesley’s attempt at a cool response.

  Then there was an awkward pause before Felicity said, ‘See ya later’ and headed around the corner to find some chocolates to take Derek. Having ordered a carton as well, Felicity paid and began the trek around to the flat above the chip shop.

  Derek was curled up on the sofa, watching a fat man cooking a duck on the telly, whilst running the events of last night through his mind. He wanted to call Donna, to make sure that she was okay and to see if she needed any help sorting out the mess with the shop. But he was too scared. He had hardly slept at all that night. He had taught himself not to dream of anything more than he had already, but with Donna this was impossible. She had been like an angel, so natural and sexy, whilst he had been like a gorilla, with no direction or self control. When alone, it was always handy to blow off relatively quickly, but when deep in action, with other needs to satisfy, it did not feel nearly as convenient.

  ‘Barp…..Barp,’ went the intercom, and for a split second Derek thought that it could have been Donna. He prayed that it was.

  ‘Hello?’ he said, hopefully.

  ‘Oh good, I was worried I’d got the wrong place. Derek, its Felicity.’

  ‘Oh,’ was the disappointed reply.

  ‘Can I come up?’ Felicity asked, realizing that she wasn’t Derek’s flavour of the month.

  ‘Uh, okay,’ was his reluctant response, before he buzzed open the door.

  Waddling up the stair, Felicity began to regret the idea but catching sight of Derek hovering at the top of the staircase, she soon realized that he was exactly what she needed. She dove in to give him a big hug. Derek accepted the embrace but let his arms swing aimlessly by his side.

  ‘Can I come in for a chat?’

  ‘Uh...yes...yes, come in. It’s a bit of a mess but...uh...come in,’ Derek stammered, unsure as to what was happening.

  ‘Ooh, nice place,’ Felicity lied, entering his musty flat.

  ‘Thanks,’ Derek jittered.

  ‘Do you live here alone?’

  ‘Yes,’ Derek replied, thinking it was a negative.

  ‘Wow, you are so fucking lucky!’

  ‘Can I get you a drink?’

  ‘Just a water, thanks,’ she replied, suddenly remembering the chocolates. ‘I brought you a present.’

  ‘Me?’ Derek gasped, amazed.

  ‘Yeah, well its only chocolates, so don’t get too excited but it’s a big box.’

  ‘Thank you, Felicity, that’s very kind of you,’ he said, as a huge tin full of chocolates was handed to him.

  ‘They’ll last you a while, I recon,’ Felicity joked, wondering whether she should have bothered.

  ‘Yes, I should think they will!’ he laughed heartily.

  Derek handed her a glass of water and pointed her in the direction of the sofa. She sat down happily, desperate to open her legs. This was followed by a weird silence as both of them tried to work out why she was actually there.

  ‘I….uh, I …..I just wanted to make sure you were okay about the other day?’

  ‘Yes, fine,’ Derek replied shortly.

  ‘I just hope I didn’t lead you on, because I never meant to, I’d hate to think I had. It’s just… well, I’ve liked Sean for ages. I didn’t think he w
as interested and yesterday, just before you came in, he asked me out. I do like you, Derek, it’s just, well….’

  ‘…Not like that?’ Derek finished.

  There was another long and lofty pause before Derek finally thought of a way to change the subject.

  ‘So how was your date?’ he swallowed, sure that it would have been better than his. Not that his had technically been a date.

  ‘Bit painful, if I’m brutally honest,’ Felicity replied.

  ‘Why, did he hurt you?’ Derek asked confused, before realizing. ‘Oh,’ he responded unable to look at her and unable to fathom why anyone would want to do that to themselves. ‘So will you see him again?’

  ‘Yes, I hope so. He wanted to see me today but I wanted to come and see you.’

  ‘Oh, you didn’t have to do that.’

  ‘I wanted to, Derek. I like you, just….’

  ‘…Not like that,’ Derek finished off again.

  ‘I’d like to be friends though, Derek. Can we be friends?’

  ‘Uh…umm…’

  As he sat stammering Felicity continued, ‘I would really hate to lose you as a friend over something so stupid. I…well, I like spending time with you, that’s all.’

  ‘Yes, I, uh, think that would be fine. I mean… I’d like that… if we could be friends.’

  ‘Good. I’d like that too,’ Felicity smiled, giving Derek a little rub of the leg.

  Suddenly her hangover from the night before lifted from her and she fumbled around in her plastic shopping bags in search of the gin.

  ‘Want to toast to that?’ she glistened mischievously, presenting it to Derek.

  At first Derek was alarmed at the sight of such a large bottle filled with blue poison. But as he looked up at the person who was holding it and watched the slight dimple forming in her right cheek, he realized that he wanted her to stay. So if that meant getting drunk, then that was what he would do.

  ‘Are they refurbishing the chippy downstairs, or something? It’s all boarded up,’ Felicity chatted, once the drinks had been poured.

  ‘Uh, yes, horrible affair really. Fucking youths!’

  Felicity giggled at the sound of Derek swearing, she knew that it wasn’t appropriate timing but it just sounded so odd.

  Derek looked at Felicity confused by her insensitivity, she looked back and she was forgiven.

  ‘What so there was a robbery?’

  ‘An attempted one, ‘Derek corrected. ‘They never actually managed to take anything.’

  ‘That’s good then. So was that woman hurt? What’s her name?’ Felicity continued thinking.

  ‘Donna,’ Derek answered sheepishly.

  ‘Yeah Donna, that’s it. Did she get hurt or anything?’ Felicity was trying her hardest to be nice about her but, deep down in the pit of her stomach, she still thought that she was a bit of a bitch.

  ‘No, Donna was fine,’ Derek paused, reminiscing about the previous night, before continuing with the story.

  The pause did not go unnoticed by Felicity, who was now becoming convinced that Derek had a soft spot for Donna.

  ‘They actually confronted the young boy who works there. They had a knife in his face, poor Wesley.’

  ‘Wesley? Wesley who?’ Felicity piped up.

  ‘Oh I don’t know his surname. I didn’t know his name until yesterday. Scrawny, sort of ill looking boy. Nice kid though.’

  ‘Wes, that’s gotta be Wes. He’s my friend’s little brother. What? They held a knife up to him?’

  ‘Yeah, the poor thing was terrified.’

  ‘No, it can’t be him. I don’t think he works downstairs, or at least I’ve never been told if he does. Besides, I saw him this morning and he seemed fine. Can’t be him. Poor boy though, I think I’d shit myself if someone did that to me.’

  Derek cringed slightly as she said that, but at least it had managed to distract him from his failures as a man. He lifted a full glass up to his lips and drank it down unconsciously.

  ‘Steady!’ Felicity joked.

  Derek looked up, bemused and embarrassed.

  Felicity laughed heartily.

  ‘I’m joking,’ she said, as she picked up her glass. ‘Now get that down you,’ she encouraged.

  So he did.

  Donna had taken two showers that day; one before she had been to the police station, and one after. But she still felt dirty. She had felt sick to the stomach after Derek’s sex and run. It was something that she hadn’t thought him capable of, so she was struggling to convince herself that it was true. No matter how many things Derek did that should prove to her that he wasn’t interested, Donna just couldn’t believe them. When she looked into his eyes, it was as though she was looking into a desperate longing splattered with pain. Most of the time, it was as though he was afraid to look into her eyes, or like he didn’t want too. But when he did, you could see right into his soul. She was sure that he had felt for her, she was convinced of it. But now she was having to persuade herself that she had been wrong all along and that Derek was an arsehole, just like the rest of them.

  Donna’s track record with men was pretty disastrous. She had attended an all girls grammar school and despite frequent socials with the local boys’ school, she had got very little action. That was until she had met a gorgeous gypsy at the visiting fair. His name had been Kev and he had sharp green eyes, full manly stubble and long blonde hair scraped back into a rat’s tail. Donna had been seventeen at the time, Kev had been older. Every night, after Kev had finished on his stall for the night, Donna would meet him and they would shamelessly frolic in a nearby field. On the third night of their five day relationship, the gypsy eventually penetrated the camp and Donna’s innocence had been lost forever. Kev had promised to write and that they would see each other again, but he never did of course.

  Any conquests from her time in the army were nothing to write home about either. All were short, usually in more ways than one. And the majority had had girlfriends back home. Since then, sex had become like caviar; it was a luxury that she wanted, but when given the opportunity to finally eat it, it never satisfied.

  On numerous occasions Donna had thought about joining an online dating website. Despite the fact that she was desperate to find a man to love, to share her life with and to hopefully one day batter, she just couldn’t face the embarrassment of declaring her loneliness online. She knew that none of the decent men would ever be interested in a woman like her and that she would undoubtedly get stuck with the weird ones. In the past, Donna hadn’t been prepared to take that risk, but right now, she was thinking about it. She was seriously thinking about it.

  The day had passed with very little movement. Beverley had eventually rolled into the lounge with a bottle of vodka she kept hidden behind the cook books. Donna had spent most of the day on the sofa, feeling sorry for herself. Wesley had returned from the police station, via the shop, and gone straight home to bed to smoke some weed. And Derek and Felicity had now firmly dented Derek’s sofa and were happily getting drunk in front of the TV.

  ‘Pass me a chocolate, Derek.’

  Derek dutifully passed over the rapidly decreasing tin of chocolates. As Felicity thumbed around inside to find her favourite, he was unsubtly surveying her choice. Relieved as she picked out a Bounty, his least favourite, he relaxed back down into the soft indentation of the sofa.

  ‘This films shit!’ Felicity blurted, starting to flick through the channels.

  Derek, a homo sapien of habit, began to get wound up at this.

  ‘I’m not too fussed about what we watch, shall we just pick something.’

  Felicity, ignorant to Derek’s torment, continued to flick.

  ‘I’m just checking out what’s on.’

  Derek rarely watched anything other than the four terrestrial channels, but he did occasionally stray to digital to help him with any late night sleeplessness.

  ‘You got any DVD’s?’ she asked, despondent with the lack of choice.

  ‘Uh, yes,�
�� Derek mumbled as he headed over to his small collection. ‘Here.’

  Felicity scurried over hoping for ‘Pulp Fiction’ or ‘Trainspotting’ but was confronted with ‘Star Trek’, ‘Poirot’, and a few loan films that looked like they had only been purchased for their price.

  ‘Derek! What is this?’ she mocked.

  ‘It is quite a limited collection, I’ll grant you.’

  ‘Limited? An octopus would have more than this, Derek.’

  ‘An octopus? I highly doubt it,’ Derek scoffed, before adding, ‘besides my DVD player is relatively new. So I haven’t had much time to add to my collection.’

  ‘Yeah, but I bet your video collection wasn’t much better either, was it?’ Felicity laughed, nudging him.

  ‘No, I don’t think it was,’ Derek agreed, joining in with the laughter.

  ‘Well what are we supposed to do now?’ Felicity asked, feeling restless.

  ‘Another drink?’ Derek suggested, beginning to get into the swing of things.

  ‘Bring it on, cowboy!’ Felicity screamed as though she was on a pub crawl.

  Derek joined in enthusiastically by galloping to the kitchen.

  The bottle of gin was now almost finished and the tonic water had been gone for ages and replaced with lemonade. Pouring the drinks, Derek squeezed every drop out of the bottle before declaring, ‘We need more alcohol.’

  He soon remembered that this was not entirely true. On the upside to his disastrous rendez vous with Donna, he did have an extra bottle of red wine in the cupboard.

  ‘Cheers!’ Felicity grinned, as she lifted her glass and began downing its contents.

  Looking outside, the street lamps were now glowing and it was suddenly dark.

  ‘Can I stay?’ she asked, desperate not to go home.

  ‘The night?’ Derek queried, taken aback.

  ‘Oh, no, it’s okay. I’ll just walk back. I should probably be heading.’

  Derek thought of Donna for a split second, before dismissing her as history and agreeing to Felicity staying.

  ‘Ah thanks, Derek. You’re my hero,’ she gushed before giving him a huge hug.

  18