The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy)

by A. J. Carpenter

  So he began to slow down his movement, concerned for her. But as soon as Donna had caught her breath back, she flicked Derek of her lap, pushed him down the bed and eased herself gradually on top of him. Then she began riding him like a prize winning bull.

  Derek certainly felt like a bull that night because Donna guided him to three pant parties and he helped her to another one. By the time the sun came up the next morning, a lot of time had been made up and Derek was exhausted.

  22

  BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION

  It was the next morning. The sun had been thrust aside for a spell of rain and the light seemed to have been lost for the entirety of winter, as Derek’s phone rang off the hook. A while went by and just as Derek was finally getting back to sleep, the phone started ringing again. Donna groaned and turned over. Derek got up and ran camply towards the phone.

  ‘Hello?’ he croaked.

  ‘Derek, it’s me, where are you?’ Felicity panicked.

  Derek was confused and overwhelmed. He stayed silent whilst he tried to figure out what she was talking about.

  ‘Are you on your way?’ she asked anxiously.

  Then it all came flooding back to him. Today was the day that Felicity went into hospital for her breast enlargement and Derek was supposed to be driving her.

  ‘Yes, I’m on my way, sorry, I’m running a bit late.’

  ‘A bit? You said you’d be here fifteen minutes ago.’

  ‘Felicity, I’m really sorry. I can’t really talk but I’ll be there in ten minutes, I promise,’ he attempted to reassure, not the most expert of liars.

  ‘Why can’t you talk?’ Felicity asked suspiciously.

  ‘Never you mind,’ Derek replied and hung up the phone.

  Running around the bedroom like a headless chicken, attempting to get dressed, Derek’s efforts at keeping quiet were ineffective. But Donna did not stir. She was in a deep sleep and had now turned onto her back and was gently snoring. Derek was keeping a close watch on her, mainly in the hope that she wouldn’t wake up, but also for eye pleasures because her legs were now splayed in the filthiest of positions.

  Regaining focus, Derek ran a comb through his hair, carried his shoes and socks into the lounge and sat himself down on the sofa. He wished that he hadn’t promised Felicity that he would take her. Admittedly he had no idea that last night’s events were going to happen. But he was mightily opposed to the whole boob-job thing anyway. Felicity was a beautiful girl with a lovely pair of friends and she didn’t need to change a jot. But still, a promise was a promise and Derek tied his final lace, grabbed his car keys and hurried out of the door. As he got to the bottom of the staircase, he wondered for a second whether he should leave a note. This thought disappeared immediately, however, when Derek caught sight of his watch and flew out the door as though he had a firework up his urethra.

  Derek always kept his Rover in the car park across the street. It was red and round and felt like it was having an asthma attack at fifty miles an hour but it did the job. Whilst bombing up the road he ran the events of last night over and over in his head like a CD on repeat. He could not wait until he had dropped Felicity off and could get back home to Donna. He began wondering whether she would be working that night, or if she may want to see him instead. He knew that it wasn’t a one off this time. He was certain of it and by the time he had Donna up the aisle and into the maternity ward, he had arrived at Felicity’s.

  ‘Where the fuck have you been?’ Felicity asked disgruntled, as Derek wound down the window and she leant in for a kiss.

  Seeing the twinset of matching pink luggage, Derek got out and opened up the boot. Felicity was sporting a brown velvet tracksuit like a fully established WAG and had a distinct lack of makeup on, which had been replaced by fresh, glowing, freckled skin. As the pair got in the car, Felicity continued to probe.

  ‘So, where have you been?’ she repeated.

  Derek thought it was better to stay quiet than lie.

  ‘Sorry?’ he responded guiltily.

  ‘I said where have you been? I know you’re up to something.’

  Derek let out a one syllable giggle.

  ‘See, I told you. Did you....did you....did you get....no, no...so where have you been?’

  Derek let out a slightly longer giggle.

  ‘You did...you got laid....Derek Stone, tell me now, did you get laid last night? Derek? Derek?’

  Derek smiled smugly, ‘Yes, yes I did.’

  ‘Oh my God! You dirty dog, with who?’

  Derek giggled again.

  ‘Come on, just tell me cause I’ll find out anyway. Is it that woman who works at the supermarket, you know, the one at the tills who knew your name and you don’t know why?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Come on, Derek, just tell me!’

  Then suddenly it came to her, ‘Donna! You slept with Donna!’

  A huge grin emerged on Derek’s face and, whilst his teeth reflected the light and channelled it into electricity, Felicity squealed with excitement.

  ‘Oh my God! I am so happy for you. That’s amazing!’

  She reached over and cuddled Derek, but soon wished she hadn’t, as he veered towards an oncoming car and narrowly missed a collision. Horns were honked but no damage was done and Derek continued driving calmly, picturing Donna splayed out on his bed.

  ‘Woh! That was close,’ Felicity blurted, completely ignoring the potential severity of the situation and carrying on with the conversation. ‘So was it good? Was it worth it?’

  Derek’s eyes twinkled as he answered, ‘It was amazing. She was amazing.’

  ‘Ah, Derek, I am so happy for you. Told you it would happen, you little slut,’ Felicity bantered.

  ‘I am not a slut. I am a one woman man.’

  ‘Does Donna know that?’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘I mean did you tell her? That you want to have a relationship and all?’

  ‘Uh, no, no I didn’t.’

  ‘When did you say you’d see her next?’

  ‘I didn’t, she was still asleep.’

  ‘But she knows you’re coming here, right?’

  ‘No, not exactly,’ Derek replied, his face twitching.

  ‘But you left a note though?’

  Derek was silent.

  ‘Derek, please tell me you left a note.’

  ‘Well...no...I thought about it, but no.’

  ‘Ah, well done, Derek! Now she’s going to wake up, find you’re not there, wait for you and you’re not going to come back,’ Felicity expelled.

  ‘I am going back though. She’ll probably still be asleep.’

  Felicity laughed, ‘Unless you drugged her, or she’s the human version of a sloth, she’s won’t be asleep. The operation is not until four, remember?’

  ‘Yes, I know and after I’ve dropped you off, I’ll go back, see Donna, drop my boxes off at my grandmother’s. Then I’ll be back by the time you wake up,’ Derek explained.

  ‘Are you not going to stay? I thought you were gonna stay. Derek, I’m really scared, I haven’t eaten in ages and, I’m not joking, I was nearly sick this morning. I’m petrified, Derek. Please stay.’

  ‘Felicity, I have to move house today as well, remember. I’m dropping off the keys tomorrow.’

  ‘So do it tomorrow, or after you’ve left tonight. Please, Derek, I really need you.’

  Derek was a sucker and caved, ‘Okay, okay I’ll stay. But I’m calling Donna the second I find a payphone, okay?’

  ‘Okay. Thank you,’ she said, choosing to rub his leg instead of hugging him again.

  ‘I still don’t think you should get it done,’ Derek added, thinking he should give it one last shot.

  ‘I’m getting it done,’ Felicity replied stubbornly.

  ‘Just think of how many places you could travel to with the money.’

  ‘Yeah, so I can be flat as a pissing pancake in a bikini. Yeah, great, just what I want. Besides I’ve paid for it already, so there’s no g
oing back.’

  ‘Well, if you’re sure it’s what you want.’

  ‘Derek, I know you’re just looking out for me and I know you think it’s ridiculous me wasting all this money on a boob-job when I want to go travelling. But the truth is I can’t go. My mother’s not well, but even if she was, I know I could never get the experience I need with these imps that like to masquerade as tits holding me back. I’m sick of them. I really am. I look like a twelve year old girl!’

  ‘You’re so beautiful. I wish you could see that,’ Derek did his best to convince.

  ‘Yeah, to you but not to the rest of the world and not to me. I’m doing it for me, Derek. Let me do this for me.’

  Derek let out a deep sigh, ‘Okay, I’ll support you. Let’s just hope a bra still can. But promise me it’s just the... the breasts.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s just the boobs, although my nose could do with a bit of work and I have some unwanted fat on my arse,’ Felicity joked.

  ‘Not your arse!’ Derek pleaded before getting the joke. ‘That is not funny, especially not under the circumstances. But if you’re sure.’

  ‘I’m sure. But you’re going to stay, right?’ she begged, looking at him with puppy dog eyes, blinking at double the rate.

  ‘I’ll stay. I said I’d stay, didn’t I?’ he agreed.

  As the pair drove up to the red brick hospital building, Felicity was starting to feel bugs in her belly and the overwhelming desire to chuck herself from the moving car. Derek, on the other hand, was wondering whether hospital food in a private hospital would be better and more frequent than the standard NHS slop and whether he had enough coins on him for both the pay phone and the car park.

  Once Derek had pulled up in the Rover, Felicity started to feel her heart beat race and her arse being sucked towards the seat. Scenes from ‘Extreme Makeover’ flashed through her mind, as did those from ‘Frankenstein’ and ‘Silence of the Lambs’. All she could think about were large lumps of flesh and organs being sliced and chucked about senselessly. Entwined with this were the stories about women who had died in routine operations, or had been left with deformed saggy tits for the rest of their life or had nipples that now looked like pepperoni pieces hanging off their chests. Felicity could not get these horrifying images out of her head. So by the time Derek got back to the car with a ridiculously overpriced parking ticket, she was just about ready to hurl.

  ‘Right, come on then,’ Derek said, gesticulating impatiently.

  ‘I can’t do it, Derek. I can’t do it.’ Felicity responded, pinned to her seat as though she were on a rollercoaster.

  ‘Do you have any idea how much I paid for that parking ticket? Derek replied.

  ‘I can’t do it. I’m sorry, can we just go.’

  ‘Look, young lady, I have paid for my parking ticket and you have paid for your breast inflation. So you are going to have the operation and I am going to get my money’s worth, okay?’

  ‘I’m scared,’ Felicity uttered.

  ‘They’ll have it under control, I’m sure. Besides, it’s what you wanted,’ he smiled gently, giving her a short peck on the cheek before helping her out of the car. ‘Ooh, your tracksuit feels nice,’ he said rubbing his hand up her arm.

  ‘Thanks,’ Felicity replied, ‘that guy who play’s for Man U’s girlfriend, Tina, has the exact same one.’

  Derek lifted the cases from the boot, slammed it firmly and then pressed the buzzer to lock it.

  ‘You okay?’ Derek asked, seeing Felicity squirming.

  ‘Yes, yes I’m good. I wore brown for a reason, but yeah, I’ll be fine.’

  ‘You didn’t, did you?’ Derek screeched, alarmed.

  ‘Of course I fucking didn’t!’ Felicity retorted. ‘What do you take me for?’

  ‘So shall we go?’ Derek asked, gesticulating again.

  ‘This is so weird. I can’t believe this is finally happening. This time tomorrow I’m going to have boobs, D cup boobs, how fucking cool is that?’

  ‘Not really that exciting, no. I suspect they will be pretty bruised and scarred tomorrow, if I’m not mistaken. I don’t suppose they’ll be that pretty at all.’

  ‘Oh shut up, Derek, don’t ruin it for me.’

  ‘Okay, okay. But I just don’t understand what’s wrong with your perfect little breasts.’

  ‘Ah, Derek’s going to miss them, ah! Do you wanna have one last feel to say goodbye?’

  ‘No..no...’

  But Derek’s eyes were twinkling at the thought of it and he soon caved.

  ‘Well, yes, would you mind. Just a little one. Just so I can tell the difference.’

  And with that, he reached out tentatively and squeezed her delicate points. Derek got the feeling that Felicity and her new boobs would be much more of a handful. He didn’t care though. He was starting to like a challenge.

  As he and Felicity strolled down to the main entrance, all Derek could think about was phoning Donna.

  ‘The dirty bastard! The filthy fucking wanker! The cunt! The cunt! The fucking filthy cunt! I can’t believe I let him do this to me again. How fucking thick am I?’

  Donna was not happy. She had awoken that morning to find that Derek had deserted her, without even leaving a note. At first she had decided to stay and give him a good tiding on his return, but he had been gone for hours now and Donna had finally given up. She was done. Done with Derek, done with dating websites and done with men in general.

  She was now fully dressed and ready to get out of his life forever. She had written a thousand scenarios in her mind about where he might be and about what he could be doing. The one that Derek’s previous behaviour tended towards was that he was seeing someone else and that he had used her yet again. Another option was that he was working, but it was a Saturday and the council buildings were never open on a Saturday, so that couldn’t be the case. The worst scenario was that Derek had been injured in a horrific accident. This didn’t keep Donna from being mad at him. This time, this time for certain, Donna never ever wanted to see another man as long as she lived. Unless of course the final scenario had actually happened, in that case all would be forgiven and Donna would nurse him throughout his recovery. But that hadn’t happened, she was nearly sure of it.

  She came outside to a sharp cold wind. Poking her face up against the shop front, Donna seemed satisfied that everything was okay and made her way down towards her flat. She hadn’t been prepared for the amount of people traffic out and about and was confronted by numerous uncoordinated, self consumed walkers getting in her way.

  Whilst she walked down through the car park, towards her estate, Derek was at the hospital desperately trying to reach her on the pay phone. But there was no answer. He was panic stricken that he would lose her over something so stupid as not leaving a note. He tried and he tried. But she was already gone.

  23

  DUST AND BOOBS

  Two weeks had passed and Felicity now had a new and improved, fully loaded pair of swollen, scarred grapefruits defying gravity on her chest. After Derek had driven her home from the hospital in her dramatically drugged state, Felicity had ascended her tower and fallen into a deep sleep. She had stayed there for the next four days, only coming down to go to the kitchen.

  Derek had visited every other day, bringing a fine array of grapes, biscuits and girly magazine, but he wasn’t happy. He had not managed to get in touch with Donna. He had tried his house numerous times at the hospital, just in case she was still asleep. But she wasn’t, she had left. After he had moved his stuff over to the new house, he had come back to see her at the chip shop. She hadn’t been there. So he had left a note with Wesley with his new contact number. She hadn’t called and Derek had been forced to dispose of the flowers and consume the half eaten Toblerone himself. He was feeling rather grim about his new life in Southcove and was trying to swallow a great many regrets.

  Today though, Felicity had agreed to leave the house for the first time since the operation. She now had a surgical bra and h
er boobs no longer looked like they should have had a memorial erected for them in their local village. She loved them. Every time she looked in the mirror she thought she was going to poke her own eye out because they were so high and mighty. This translated into her pining for an entirely new wardrobe. She had spent the majority of her time splayed out in bed, flicking through magazines and designing her new life. She had grand plans to wash her hair more frequently and wear more makeup. When Derek arrived at the house, she was busy tarting herself up in the bathroom.

  Derek rang the doorbell.

  After a few seconds, the door swung open and Beverley poked her head out from behind it.

  ‘Derek, how are you, handsome?’ she rampaged, walloping her arms around him and planting a freshly squeezed kiss on his cheek.

  ‘Fine, thanks, Beverley,’ Derek muttered, now fully acquainted with Beverley and her ways.

  Beverley gave Derek a quick tap on the bottom and guided him into the kitchen.

  ‘Have a seat, Derek, you must be tired from all that driving.’

  ‘Thanks, is Felicity here?’

  ‘Oh yes, gorgeous, I’m sure she’ll be down in her own sweet time. Now can I get you a drink? Gin perhaps?’

  ‘Uh, no, thanks. Could I have a coffee?’

  Derek had not had much sleep recently. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to wank after that night with Donna. It just wasn’t the same without her. He couldn’t think about her when he was doing it anymore because it just reminded him of what he had lost. So due to constantly mounting sexual tension, Derek was not sleeping well and was now deeply reliant on coffee.

  ‘Coffee? No problem, handsome. Did you want sugar, or are you sweet enough already?’ she cooed, biting on a teaspoon.

  ‘Just one, thanks, Beverley,’ Derek muttered, looking down at the table awkwardly.

  Beverley poured herself a large gin with a dash of tonic. She put the gin back in the cupboard and sneakily brought out the Tia Maria, pouring a sizable amount into Derek’s coffee cup. Then she added the boiling water from the kettle and a dash of sugar and scurried over to Derek like a devoted maid. She sat opposite him in her vest with no bra that showed her raisin nipples halfway to Australia.