The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy)

by A. J. Carpenter

  He was just finishing slicing the fruit, when Janka entered entirely naked apart from a tenuously hung towel. Catching sight of the strawberries, she grabbed one and sucked it sensuously.

  ‘Where are we go?’ she asked intrigued, but incredibly tired.

  ‘You’ll have to wait and see,’ Derek replied, with a twinkle in his eye.

  He knew that it was a funny time of year for a picnic but he wanted beautiful scenery and complete remoteness for his imminent proposal to Janka. She didn’t look impressed.

  ‘What do I wear?’ she asked sulkily.

  ‘Whatever you like,’ Derek replied warmly. ‘You look gorgeous in anything.’

  ‘Okay, I go get dressed,’ she said, before she hurried off upstairs, sneaking another strawberry on the way.

  Derek had thought of everything. As they drove east towards the coastal countryside he had a compilation love songs tape romancing from the speakers. He had a gigantic bouquet wilting in the boot and he had packed two snuggle rugs just in case things got a bit colder. For a romance amateur, Derek was pretty pleased with himself and a slight smile was wedged onto his face for the entire journey.

  ‘Did you have good night yesterday?’ Janka asked, for want of a better conversation.

  ‘Not really, no,’ Derek replied honestly. ‘After I lost you, things started to go a bit downhill actually.’

  ‘It’s not the same without your Janka, no?’

  ‘No, no it’s not. I’d really struggle without you,’ he responded, keeping his eyes on the road, but leaning over to give her a kiss. ‘I love you, Janka,’ he said gently.

  ‘I love you too, Dirik,’ she replied, as if by duty.

  Eventually they arrived at the beach. Admittedly it was sprinkled with various litterings and the sea was more of a dirty black colour than a vigorous blue, but it was quiet and closer to what a beach should be than the one in Crackerley. Derek bustled Janka and the two rugs out of the car and went about finding a nice spot with the proposal in mind. Scrambling over the rocks to the beach, he wished he had been a bit more specific about what Janka should have worn, as she currently looked like a tower block that suffered from severe subsidence, falling about the place. Having found a relatively good spot, a little closer to the car than he would have hoped, he lay one blanket down and encouraged Janka to sit on it, whilst he wrapped the other one around her. Janka did not look best pleased and both her and Felicity’s bottom lips were growing nearer and nearer to Australia.

  ‘Now you wait here and enjoy the view, whilst I get the other bits from the car,’ Derek commanded happily, completely oblivious to Janka’s discomfort.

  Striding back to the car with purpose, Derek was working very hard not to let any hurt and anger from the previous night’s events come to the surface. Today was his and Janka’s day and he wasn’t going to let some jealous comments ruin it all. Back at the car, he started to feel a chill and rubbed himself down before opening the car door and grabbing the cardboard box full of food. He picked it up, being careful not to let the bottom open, and then kicked the door shut as he left. Tottering over the rocks like an old age pensioner delivery man, he eventually arrived to find Janka bundled up like a new born baby in the rug.

  ‘You look so cute,’ he smiled, placing a peck on top of her head.

  ‘I don’t think cold is cute,’ she pouted.

  ‘Oh, are you cold?’ Derek panicked. ‘Here, have my coat,’ he said, removing his jacket and handing it over.

  It made him wince slightly as he recalled the time that Felicity had been snugly wrapped up in it. But he pushed the thought aside and headed back to the car for the most important items; the flowers and the ring. He didn’t know whether it was because of the cold or his nerves, but his bladder was suddenly ready to explode. Approaching the car, Derek was at do or die time, so he quickly undid his belt, flopped out his ice cold popsicle and began giving the car park a hearty shower.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Janka said from behind.

  Derek impulsively turned around, but soon wished he hadn’t, as the yellow back spray splashed onto Janka’s open toed shoe.

  ‘Yachhhh! Dirik, this is disgusting!’ Janka screamed revolted.

  Derek, unable to stop peeing, turned himself back around, but attempted to turn his head to look at her.

  ‘I am so sorry. I didn’t know you were there. You surprised me!’ he desperately tried to justify.

  ‘No! Dirik, you are surprise me. You say we have nice day out, but I am cold. It is shit.’

  Derek had now finished, so he did the double shake and flipped it back inside to nestle in his boxer shorts. His plans seemed to be slipping away from him and he was gutted that Janka was having such a terrible day.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he pressed, completely deflated. ‘I just wanted you to have a lovely day, that’s all.’

  ‘You piss on my shoe!’ Janka burst in repulsion.

  ‘I know, I know, I’m sorry,’ Derek responded devastated.

  ‘No, I am sorry, I am sorry I ever come,’ Janka replied grumpily, as she got in the car and slammed the door.

  Derek sensed that this would be a suitable time to give her the flowers. He had meant them as a romantic gesture as opposed to a sincerest apology but luckily he hadn’t got a specific card. He opened the door to the car.

  ‘Shut it. I am cold!’ Janka barked.

  But as soon as she saw the flowers her anger was swallowed and lovely, sweet, innocent Janka came back.

  ‘Oh, Dirik! For me? It is beautiful!’ she gushed.

  ‘Do you like them?’ Derek asked anxiously, aware that he was treading on egg shells.

  ‘I love them,’ she replied, ‘I love you.’

  By this time, her shoes had already been removed and shoved as far away from her as possible. She then started shimmying out of her jeans and removing her top.

  ‘I thought you were cold?’ Derek said, baffled by her behaviour.

  ‘No, no you make me too hot!’ she giggled, as she began caressing her own breasts.

  ‘Uh...uh...I’m not really sure this is the time or...uh...the place.’

  ‘You don’t want me?’ she pouted, all peaches and cream.

  Derek most definitely did. And any thoughts of Felicity, or the proposal went flying out of his complicated little skull, as he speedily undid his trousers, half pulled off his boxer shorts and plunged himself into the ravine. He left his shirt on though, so that if any cars were to enter the car park, it would look as though he was merely wriggling about.

  Derek had never before experienced the pleasures of sex in a car, but he was quick to realize that it was not as exotic as it sounded. The headrests soon became his enemy, the car roof seemed like a claustrophobic child’s bunk bed and Derek was struggling to find any sort of a rhythm whilst being rigidly restricted on top. This soon manifested itself on Janka’s face. She looked thoroughly bored. Eventually she managed to wiggle herself free from between his legs and straddle him like a mouse trap. As soon as she had taken the reigns, everything began to speed up. She was now entirely naked and had her back heavily arched, whilst she rode him like a cowgirl. Just as Derek was beginning to feel the blood rushing through his body, a car pulled into the car park. Derek was having far too much fun to notice. But Janka was well aware of what was happening and kept her position strong and firm.

  ‘Keep going!’ she demanded, as she stuck out her chest a little more and started pounding even harder.

  The guy in the car had seen her and was watching intently as she began her performance of a lifetime and started fondling herself seductively.

  Derek had no idea and was happy rocking up and down between the car seats. Had the man not have been watching the open air, open orifice performance, then Janka would most likely have had to fake it. But the voyeuristic element was giving her a huge kick and gradually her body filled with intense heat and her muscles began to vigorously spasm. Derek was not far behind and after a wiggle and a squeak he had soon painted Jank
a’s insides a creamy white colour.

  Janka flopped motionless on Derek’s chest. Derek was desperately attempting to catch his breath, but Janka was crushing his ribcage.

  ‘Wow!’ Derek panted woozily, still fazed by the naughtiness of what they had just done.

  ‘I like in car, it makes me feel naughty,’ Janka giggled, thoroughly glad of her spectator.

  ‘You are naughty,’ Derek gasped, desperate for air.

  He then proceeded to tickle her in an attempt to get her off him. She squirmed and squealed, as the pair found themselves in various shades of naked in the back. Once they both had their bottoms firmly placed on the polyester seats, the proposal suddenly came back to Derek. Had he thought any longer about it, he probably would of chickened out, but seeing her there, flushed, glowing and stark bollock naked, he knew that it was now or never. So he shuffled on his trousers and shirt and plunged over the seat to the glove box, purposefully knocking the love songs tape in as he did, causing ‘Unchained Melody’ to ring through the speakers. He then hid the ring up his sleeve and returned to Janka’s side. As much as he loved to see her in the buff, he was now very aware of her nudity.

  ‘Aren’t you going to put your clothes back on?’ he encouraged, trying to add some class to the occasion.

  ‘I too hot,’ she replied, making Derek worry about her dysfunctional temperature gage. But he punched on through it.

  ‘Janka’ he said softly.

  ‘Yes, Dirik,’ Janka smiled, as she glanced at her flowers, which were now a little crushed from all the sex.

  ‘I know we haven’t known each other long and I know it’s probably...uh...well, a bit soon...and I’m sure you’ll say no. But....uh....uh...’

  ‘Go on, Dirik,’ Janka carefully encouraged, fully aware of what was coming.

  ‘Well, you see....I wanted to...’ Derek was almost there but needed one powerful push to bring the baby bawling and bloody into the world. ‘Janka, you are the love of my life and you make me very happy. Very happy. So I was wondering...whether you would... whether you would...Janka, will you do me the hon...the honour of marrying me?’ he asked.

  Fumbling furiously up his sleeve, he eventually pulled it out and presented the open box to her. Janka already had a huge grin on her face, but when she saw the ring, her eyes glowed brightly and she gasped in awe.

  ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ she screamed, leaning in for a kiss but desperate to get the gem well and truly wedged onto her finger.

  ‘Yes?’ Derek repeated, unable to believe it.

  ‘Of course, I would love to marry you, Dirik’ she sighed completely mesmerized by the sparkling diamond.

  ‘You would?’ Derek uttered, still in shock.

  The ring was still sat in its box and Janka was getting twitchy. Her attempts at getting Derek to put it on her were unfounded.

  ‘I put it on?’ Janka finally demanded sick of waiting.

  ‘Oh gosh, sorry,’ Derek said, as his fat fingers grabbed the ring and awkwardly wedged it onto her finger.

  ‘It is the right size!’ Janka frowned, amazed that Derek had been able to handle such a mission on his own and desperately wondering how much it was worth.

  ‘I stole one of your rings to get the correct fit,’ Derek confessed, ‘I put it back though.’

  ‘Oh, Dirik, you are so sweet. I love you so much,’ Janka grinned. And with a ring like that on her finger it was easy to understand why.

  The next month went by with Janka busily and expensively organizing the wedding. Derek spent the month in a state of shock that such an amazing woman had agreed to marry him. But every day he had thought of Felicity and how she was getting on over on the other side of the world. He had begun to think about her less and less though, until a postcard plopped dramatically through the letter box.

  Janka was still asleep as Derek plodded from the kitchen with a coffee. Glancing at the door he noticed a small rectangle of sunny, beachy colours lying enthusiastically on the doormat. Without thinking, he ran to the door, spilling two thirds of his coffee as he did. Uncaring of this, he dove at the doormat and snatched up the postcard. The coffee mug was now lying on its side with the remainder of the caffeine trickling breezily out. It was from Felicity, it had to be. On the front was Bondi Beach spluttered with surfers and a sunny sky and on the back it read:

  Dear Derek,

  I wanted to thank you for all you have done for me. Australia is amazing (as are the men!) and I will always be eternally grateful to you. I am sorry I hurt you like that. I should’ve kept my big mouth shut. But I love you and just want you to be happy.

  Love Always,

  Felicity xxx

  Derek stared at the words, slowly digesting them. Relief rushed through him as he realized that she wasn’t gone from his life forever. He didn’t know why she had done it, but she was sorry and that was all that mattered to Derek. After he had read the card a couple more times, he placed it in his back pocket and headed back into the kitchen to make himself another cup of coffee.

  32

  THE DOUBLE STAB

  Another week had passed and Derek was happily enjoying engaged life, without a care in the world. The house was littered with wedding magazines and Janka was constantly smiling. The ring was to her finger now like whisky was to coke and everywhere she went it sparkled brightly with her.

  The pair were currently lying in their marital bed-to-be and Janka was just about to get into the shower when the phone rang.

  ‘Who could that be?’ Derek muttered, as he grabbed the phone and looked at Janka for an answer.

  She wasn’t psychic and so he did the only sensible thing and answered it.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Derek? Derek, is that you? It’s me, Beverley,’ the voice replied weakly.

  Derek flinched. He had put up with Beverley and her trying ways in the past due to his friendship with Felicity, but now she was gone he could think of no other feasible reason why she should have to talk to him, other than to scrounge help.

  ‘Hi, Beverley,’ Derek faked as best he could. ‘Is everything okay? Have you heard from Felicity?’

  ‘Derek, I need you to come over. Can you come over?’ Beverley begged desperately.

  ‘Oh I don’t know, Beverley, I’m a bit busy at the moment.’

  ‘Derek, please,’ she pursued, her voice weak and wobbly.

  ‘I really can’t, I’m sorry.’

  ‘Please don’t make me do this.... Derek, please, I’m sober. I promise. Please, Derek, it’s important.’

  Derek highly doubted that Beverley was anything near sobriety, but he felt sorry for her. Her only daughter and company was over on the other side of the world and so it was easy to comprehend how lonely she must have been.

  ‘Okay, I’ll be over in an hour, okay? But I can’t stay long,’ he surrendered.

  ‘Thanks, Derek,’ Beverley ended, as her voice crackled into tears and she hung up.

  ‘That was weird,’ he thought to himself, slowly putting the phone down.

  He felt an urge to call Felicity but he soon realized that his only way of getting in touch was through email and he wouldn’t be able to do that until he was back at work on Monday. So Derek got himself dressed, fed and watered and began the drive to Felicity’s old house.

  As he drove up the drive, a pang stabbed through his chest and he felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness. No sooner had he arrived, than a fragile Beverley emerged. Her eyes were red, blotchy and heavily bagged and she looked like she was half way through cold turkey.

  ‘Maybe she wasn’t lying,’ Derek muttered to himself, as he got out of the car. ‘Hello, Beverley,’ he reluctantly greeted.

  Before he had finished, Beverley had grabbed him and was squeezing him like an anaconda. After what felt like forever, she dragged him inside and into the kitchen.

  ‘Are you alright?’ Derek asked, entirely bemused by her behaviour.

  Beverley didn’t answer, but floods of salty tears began cascading down her cheeks.
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br />   ‘Beverley, are you okay?’ he repeated slowly, as if he were talking to a deaf person.

  ‘Sit down, Derek,’ she said, amongst a blubber of tears.

  Derek was too scared to do anything other than what she had said, so he sat down immediately and rested his elbows on the table.

  ‘I got a phone call from Australia this morning,’ she cried, struggling to get the words out.

  ‘Oh, how is she? Is that why...uh...uh...is that why you’re crying?’ he stammered.

  ‘She’s dead,’ Beverley whispered, collapsing into a heap on the table.

  ‘I’m sorry?’ Derek said, unable to absorb anything.

  ‘She’s dead, my little baby girl is dead!’ she howled, looking at Derek with agony in her eyes.

  ‘No,’ Derek uttered, ‘she can’t be. She...’ he didn’t need to finish his sentence because looking at Beverley, he knew that she was telling the truth.

  ‘How?’ he asked in shock.

  Beverley began wailing even louder, but Derek was unable to move. His stomach was bounding up and down and his heart felt as though it was being wrenched.

  ‘I can’t believe it. But she was...I can’t....’

  ‘A bus,’ Beverley squeaked, as she continued her outpour. ‘She was hit by a backpacker bus!’

  Her breathing was now erratic, so she lit up a cigarette in an attempt to calm herself. Derek looked at the half empty packet on the table.

  ‘Can I have one?’ he asked, now completely numb.

  Beverley, unable to talk, shook her hand to indicate that he should help himself, so he did and the pair sat there in silence, apart from a few whimpers, for the entirety of their cigarettes.

  ‘I don’t understand. How could she....a bus?’ Derek’s voice was soft and gruff but his face was hard and still. ‘Where was she?’ he suddenly panicked.