The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy)
Page 24
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, unable to believe that he had ever let her get away.
Scrambling himself nimbly up onto the counter, he cautiously reached out and touched her belly, his eyes lighting up and his stubbled chin smiling. In complete amazement, he reached up and brushed her face with his hand. Falling deep into her eyes, he passionately kissed her for the next forty-five seconds.
‘I guess you two are back together then,’ Wesley gagged in disgust, suddenly feeling as though three and a half was a crowd.
‘I want to be with you,’ Derek said, breaking away and looking into her eyes. ‘I always have.’
‘What about your fiancée?’ Donna asked, genuinely concerned.
‘She...she was just a poor man’s Donna,’ Derek reassured, ‘I love you, Donna.’
‘I love you too, Derek,’ Donna gushed, overwhelmed with relief and happiness.
The final few weeks of the pregnancy flew by phenomenally quickly, with the foetus getting erotically rocked to sleep at least once a day. Derek and Donna were like teenagers again, filled with love, life and uncontrollable lust. Sex was a huge part of Donna’s pregnancy cravings and Derek was more than happy to fulfil her favoured fantasies. In fact, he made that his sole purpose.
It was ten-thirty at night on the thirty-first of July as Derek perfected his batter coated meat as a special treat for Donna. Since discovering Donna’s devilish desires Derek had been racking his brains for a way to make her fantasy come true.
His first instinct had been to plunge his willy as quickly as possible in and out of the deep fat fryer. He had originally got the urge when serving a customer, but swamped with fears of food hygiene, he had managed to restrain himself. The second impulse had come when he had sent Donna home to bed because her ankles had transformed into elephants feet and so Derek had stayed back to clean up. The deep fat fryer stood bubbling in front of him, tempting him like a witch’s cauldron, begging him to lollop it out and splash it around in the boiling bucket. Unbelievably, Derek’s thoughts were not of whether he would be able to use his sword again after the skin had been burnt off, but of how he would be able to transport the greasy fat back to the bedroom without ruining the presentation of it all. Needless to say that he had chickened out of that attempt as well, on the excuse that the timing was bad. He was glad that he had though, as on arrival back at the flat he had sat down to watch a documentary about a burns unit and his mini me had twitched terrified in his pants with the sight of the flaky, crusty, red raw skin.
That is when Derek had realized that if he was ever going to fulfil Donna’s desires, then he would need to find another way. After toying with the idea of making a mould of his member and battering that first, he then pondered battering a strap-on instead. But the thought of launching himself double dicked at a heavily pregnant woman seemed more like assault than a fantasy come true.
Eventually he opted for the more fathomable approach of carefully removing a sausage from its batter and cleverly wrapping that batter around his man stick. Derek had opted for a smaller, fatter meat mould and the fit was proving perfect. He adjusted himself into a sexy pose and stuck out his chest proudly.
‘Donna!’ he called, waiting excitedly for her on the bed.
‘I’m coming,’ Donna replied, staggering from the sofa and waddling into the bedroom.
She gasped thrilled, before clawing and meowing like a starving wild cat.
Diving towards the batter drenched love weapon, Donna felt wetter than she had ever done before. It soon became apparent though, when Derek’s feet became drenched through, that she wasn’t wet at all, in fact, her waters had just broken.
‘Oh, fuck!’ Donna screamed, more worried about missing out on her long awaited fantasy than she was about going into labour.
‘Come on,’ Derek said, going to get up. ‘We need to get you to the hospital.’
But Donna stopped him.
‘Just five minutes’ she said, looking down at his little man’s Sunday dress, desperate not to miss out on the devouring of it.
Derek giggled, tempted, but conscious of doing exactly what they had been told.
‘No, come on. We ought to go!’ he insisted, desperately trying to persuade them both.
‘Derek, please!’ Donna screamed, now thoroughly pissed off.
‘Okay, okay!’ Derek surrendered, conscious of making sure that she was at least comfortable as she got down on her hands and knees and the long awaited battered sausage job began.
It wasn’t, in fact, the best experience that Donna had ever had. The contractions became evident not long after, so the constant spasms had caused quite a major distraction. Nevertheless, she was happy that she had found a man who loved her enough to batter his cod for her. And Derek had promised that they would definitely do it again at a slightly more convenient time.
Eight fanny stretching, slime drenched hours later, a beautiful baby girl came whacking and wailing into the world. The proud parents were now cuddled up in a cubicle, cooing over their beautiful little angel. Donna was carefully cradling little Miss Stone as Derek tickled her belly.
‘I’m your daddy. I’m your daddy. I’m your daddy...’ he kept saying, as if on repeat.
‘Alright, Derek, she gets the point,’ an understandably ratty Donna responded.
‘Sorry,’ Derek apologized, realizing that he may have been getting himself a little over excited.
But she was beautiful. Her nose, thank goodness, was nothing like his and much more like the normal half grape of a nose that it should have been. Her hair was non-existent so could not be specified, but her eyes were like Derek’s, an emerald green that shone out against the white. Derek was prouder at that moment than he had ever been in his life, with his gorgeous little girl nestled into his beautiful girlfriend’s lolloping bosom.
‘What do you want to call her?’ Donna asked, looking down at her tiny face.
She waited patiently, gazing in wonder at their daughter.
‘What do you think to the name Rebecca as a middle name? It’s just that it was my...’
‘Your mum’s, I know,’ Donna said gently. ‘I think it’s perfect. So what do you think to her first name?’ she asked, helplessly in love with the pair of them.
‘Oh, gosh. I don’t know....uh...uh...’
‘I was thinking....Felicity,’ Donna blurted, eager to see what he thought.
‘You mean...really?’ Derek uttered, as Donna nodded, ‘You don’t mind?’
Donna shook her head.
Derek’s eyes lit up and he looked like he was going to dive on both the mother and the baby, before restraining himself and kissing Donna gently on the lips instead.
‘Thank you,’ he smiled, happier than he had ever been.
‘Hello, Felicity, Felicity Rebecca Stone,’ he said, as he shifted his focus to his cute little bundle of joy, tickling her tummy excitedly.
‘Who’s this weirdo,’ Felicity thought, as she kicked her legs and ensued to scream for Crackerley United.
And the rest really is history.
Beverley checked herself into rehab after her ex-husband decided to sell the house. It wasn’t long until she had substituted drinking for baking and had gained four stone in weight and a reputation for the finest lemon cake in Crackerley. She became a reliable babysitter for Derek and Donna and she soon became known as Auntie Beverley to the gorgeous baby Felicity.
Wesley finally made an appointment with the dermatologist and was subscribed a face burning liquid that cleared up his acne in no time. With the clear skin, flowed a girlfriend two years his junior. She was the sort of girl who waxed her legs, shaved her pits and creamed her nether regions. She had a healthy appetite for the green and put it out quicker than a playmate on Hef’s birthday. So Wesley was clearly over the moon.
Sean and Janka continued bonking for a good few weeks after they had been sprung. In fact, Janka moved into Sean’s shared bedroom with him and got a huge kick out of it when his brother watched. She even gave Rod
a sample menu once. Unfortunately though, Sean had recently acquired crabs from one of the girls that he had seduced around by the bins and he had kindly passed them on to Janka. So all was well and very itchy with them.
As for Derek, Donna and little baby Felicity, they lived happily for now in the flat above the chip shop. Derek had left his job at the council and between them they ran the chip shop and looked after Felicity. She was the most delightful, rosy cheeked cutie in the world and every time she looked at her dad it was in awe. Derek loved reading Jane Austen to his little angel and playing her the odd tune on his oboe. And for his gorgeous girlfriend, Donna, he battered his weapon at least once a week and she loved it. He was happier than he had ever been and as Rebecca and Felicity gossiped up in heaven, they were filled with pride for the awkward Derek, all grown up.
THE END
COMING SOON by a.j. carpenter
CUSTARD DREAMS
Deep in countryside, in the village of Suckleberry, surrounded by farms, cliffs and coffee mornings, lives Peggy-Ann, a prostitute. Despite her kind heart and generous nature, Peggy is harshly judged by the church going community. Her close relationship with the vicar is scrutinized and yet she never has a bad word to say about anyone.
When Charlotte asks Peggy to sleep with her husband, Peggy immediately refuses, but Charlotte eventually persuades her otherwise. Will Peggy's strong sense of moral ethics be forgotten? What will become of Charlotte's marriage? And will Peggy-Ann ever find lasting happiness?
COMING SOON BY A.J. CARPENTER
A
The letter ‘A’ has hung over Aaron Abington’s head since the moment that he was born. The spawn of an abandoning father and an alcoholic mother, Aaron never really stood a chance.
Believing that a miserable destiny is already mapped out for him, Aaron leads a cynical life with an apathetic approach to everything that he does and with little thought for others. Will his luck change when he meets the vibrant Amelia? Or will she be the curse that destroys him entirely?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
‘The Coming of Derek’ is A.J. Carpenter’s first novel. More recent work includes ‘Custard Dreams’ and ‘A’, both of which A.J. hopes to publish very soon. Born in Devon in 1984, A.J. currently lives and works in Edinburgh.
To find out more about A.J. Carpenter visit www.ajcarpenter.co.uk