All Night with the Cowboy

by Soraya Lane

  She knew he genuinely wanted to help, and she appreciated everything he’d done, but she still felt guilty. Not to mention torn over leaving the place in her own selfish way, when she’d expected to be staying for so much longer.

  “Tanner, when we get back, would you like me to stay on as your PT or would you like me to recommend someone else to take over?” It was the question she’d been waiting to ask him, not sure how to read his disconnect. Part of her wondered if he was worried about what he’d seen the day before, but the other part of her, the sensible part, knew that it was him carefully trying to distance himself from her. Just like she should be doing to him instead of holding out some stupid hope that they could keep their little charade going on a bit longer.

  His hand fell away from hers and she wrapped her arms around herself now, suddenly feeling cold. It was as if he could read her thoughts.

  “I think I’ll find someone else to take over,” he said in a low voice. “I think we’re best to just…” He gave her a sad kind of smile. “I’ve had an amazing time with you, but I don’t think I could go back to a professional relationship, seeing you all the time without…” He cleared his throat, his voice trailing off. “Nothing’s coming out sounding like it’s supposed to.”

  “What happens on Vomo, stays on Vomo,” she said, bravely facing him and trying to sound more certain than she actually felt inside. They’d both agreed on this, and he was clearly finding the whole situation as difficult as she was. She didn’t need to make this any harder on him—she’d known this was coming and it was best to be honest about what they’d had. And what was coming to an end.

  The flight attendant came to check on them and gave them each a bottle of water before takeoff, and Lauren settled in and did up her belt. She wondered what he was thinking, whether he was as sad as she was about ending things, about getting off the plane and never seeing each other again. Their paths wouldn’t cross—they hadn’t in twelve years before now—and sadness hummed through her body as she thought about never touching, never kissing, never looking into Tanner’s eyes again.

  It was breakup pain all over again and she couldn’t stand it. So much for protecting her heart and keeping things casual. This was why she was supposed to date serious guys who made sense on paper, men who she wouldn’t fall completely head over heels for—she was supposed to be with the guy who wasn’t capable of breaking her heart into a million pieces.

  “Tanner, can you promise me one thing?” she said quietly, surprised by how easily she managed to say the words. She’d expected them to choke up in her throat.

  He looked surprised. “Sure. Shoot.”

  “I’m worried about you, and I know that you’re not mine to worry about, and I know you don’t want to be told what to do or that your career is too dangerous, but just promise me that if you don’t feel right, you won’t ride. You can’t mess with your body, and if your leg or your wrist doesn’t feel right, you need to acknowledge that and sit the ride out. I wish we’d had longer here, because you still have a lot of rehab to go.”

  “Sweetheart, I’m not stupid,” he said. “And I can always tape my wrist.”

  “And risk damaging it for the rest of your life?” she asked, incredulous. “Tanner, that’s ridiculous—even you must know that. And for what? So you can win a few times, preserve your ego, and then suffer for years in arthritic pain?”

  “Ah, and here we go again. Someone else telling me why I should give up now and spend the rest of my life behind a desk. Have you been waiting all this time to tell me that I’m never going to be able to ride again? Did my family put you up to this?”

  “Tanner, stop,” she begged. “Look, I’m not your mother and I’m not your girlfriend. I’m saying this to you as your physical therapist. I want you to look after yourself, and if that means sitting a ride or two out, then so be it. I’m not telling you to give up, I just think you might need a longer break from the sport.”

  “Yeah, you’re right, you’re not my girlfriend. You gave away that privilege without needing any encouragement.”

  “Ohmygod, are you kidding me?” She unscrewed the top off her water bottle and took a long sip. “What happened to the guy flying helicopters and making donations? The guy who made love to me on the goddamn beach?”

  Tanner glowered at her and cleared his throat. “He’s the same guy who likes to risk everything to feel alive on the back of a bull or a bronc,” he said. “And anyone who can’t understand that part of me can go to hell. I thought you got me?”

  She felt her pulse start to race and took a deep breath and another sip of water. Where was the Tanner she’d just spent fourteen days with in Fiji? Hell, the past twelve hours with even? What had happened to the fun, warm, happy guy she’d been so close to falling for all over again? Or did he genuinely just have his back up all of a sudden because he thought she was no different than everyone else in his life? “You know what, you need to chill the hell out. As your PT, my aim is to keep you in the game for a long time. That’s what I do, and if a player I worked with wasn’t operating at a hundred percent, I’d be wanting him on the sidelines until he was ready. This has nothing to do with any personal connection we’ve had.”

  Tanner didn’t say anything for a long moment, but when he did, Lauren was relieved that he didn’t sound like quite such a jackass.

  “Fair point, I guess I just don’t think of myself as an athlete,” he said. “I’m more of a one-man band and I’m not used to listening to anyone else.” Tanner made a grunting sound. “I’m sorry.”

  She laughed. Well, that was damn obvious. “Well, one-man band or part of a team, we only get one body and we have to protect it. So get over your issues and remember what’s important, and stop treating me like I’m not capable of making a professional recommendation.”

  There was an uneasy feeling between them as they were wheels up and away, and Lauren wished they were about to land on Vomo for the first time. She wanted to step back in time and experience those days on the beach all over again, instead of flying through the air on Christmas Day and wondering how the hell she’d managed to let Tanner back into her head—and heart—after vowing to never get close to him again.

  “You want something to eat or drink?” Tanner asked. “I just”—he paused—“I didn’t actually mean to be a total jackass before, it’s just a sensitive topic. You know how it is with me and my family over this kind of stuff.” He blew out a loud breath. “I am sorry.”

  Lauren had her back up now, and no amount of hearing him say sorry was going to change that. “Well, if I hadn’t known then I definitely know now.”

  “Lauren, come on, I’m just sick of everyone jumping down my throat about what I do. I thought you were jumping on the bandwagon, that’s all. Mia’s the only person who’s ever just accepted what I do and encouraged me to follow what I want to do instead of anyone else’s expectations of me.”

  “The difference between me and everyone else is that I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do, Tanner. It’s why we wouldn’t have worked out, because I couldn’t have stood by and been your groupie for the rest of my life, and I also couldn’t have told you to stop.” She stared at him, long and hard. “But there’s a big difference between telling you what to do and trying to give you professional advice to ensure you can keep doing what you love. Your problem is that you can’t see the woods for the goddamn trees.”

  Tanner shifted in his seat, and she listened to him move. “So you’re saying we wouldn’t have worked out, even if your old man had let me keep dating you?”

  Lauren clenched her bottle of water tightly between her fingers, needing to be honest, to tell him the truth. “Exactly. What happened, it happened for a reason. We would only have ended up broken-hearted later down the track and it would have hurt a hell of a lot more. We’re different people and we had different paths to take.”

  “Yeah?” Tanner grunted.

  “Yeah,” she said, yanking her iPad out of her bag and shovin
g her buds in her ears. She scrolled through to find a movie to watch and pulled out a cashmere sweater, not about to engage with Tanner for another second longer while he was being an ass. She didn’t like this version of him, and it was like the moment they’d hopped aboard the jet he’d gone straight back to being the guy she didn’t like, the one she’d been so cautious about going away with in the first place.

  She’d been right to insist on things being casual between them. They’d had an amazing time, but it had also shown her why she needed to be with someone more levelheaded, someone who wasn’t going to send her on a roller-coaster ride of emotions all the time. She needed a stable, calm, sensible man in her life. She was okay with career driven, they just needed to have the same goals and the same outlook on life. And she needed to be able to keep a little piece of her heart shut away, so the entire organ couldn’t be ripped into pieces and stomped all over. Or maybe she just needed to keep that little piece locked away for Tanner, because no matter what she said or did, he’d always mean something to her, and he’d always have a piece of her that could never, ever be returned.

  * * *

  When their plane finally landed on the runway, Tanner was sore. He stretched out his legs and yawned, looking forward to crashing in his own bed. Shame Lauren wasn’t coming home with him. As if she knew he was thinking about her, she looked over and he gave her a tight smile, wishing he hadn’t been such an asshole when they’d boarded. He knew she was only trying to help, but something about her telling him what to do, when he’d listened to people doing that to him all his life, had grated him up the wrong way. It was like after so many years of being backed into a corner about his choice of vocation, he was hardwired to snap whenever someone brought it up. The Zen-like feeling being on an island had started to fade the moment it had become clear they were going to have to fly home early.

  And he was trying to deal with the fact that what they’d had, their little holiday fling, had come to an end. He wanted to hold her tight and ask her to stay with him, to tell her they were perfect together if they would both just give in to the damn attraction between them. But he clenched his jaw tight instead and didn’t say a word. It wasn’t worth it and he sure as hell wasn’t about to beg her. She’d made it clear she wanted fun not a future, that she wouldn’t date someone her parents didn’t approve, and that her career was the most important thing to her.

  He knew which battles were worth fighting, and he didn’t back a losing horse. What he’d never confess to her or anyone else was that he would give up his career for the right reason, that what made him prickly was other people in his life thinking they knew best about what he should spend his time doing. He loved the adrenaline rush of bull riding, he loved the money, and he loved the lifestyle. He’d succeeded on his own terms and he was damn proud of it.

  “There are two cars waiting, Mr. Ford,” the attendant announced, coming to stand by his side. “Is there anything else you need me to organize for you?”

  He raised his head and smiled. “Thanks for asking, but I’m fine. Lauren?”

  Tanner watched as she unbuckled her seat belt and stretched. “Thanks, I’m fine too.”

  They both gathered their things and Tanner stood, waiting for Lauren to exit the jet down the stairs before following her. There were a hundred things he could have or should have said, but the words that had flowed so easily between them on the island had all but disappeared.

  Lauren turned on the tarmac, her bag in one hand, the other shielding her eyes from the sun. The air was cooler here, so different than the humid, constant warmth in Fiji.

  “I guess this is goodbye,” she said, as the drivers from each car collected their bags and put them in the trunks of their respective sleek black vehicles.

  Tanner didn’t know what to say. Lauren’s eyes were shining and he wanted to sweep her into his arms and tell her it was stupid, the whole thing. What they’d done, both being too stubborn or too scared to at least try to be together—but he couldn’t see the point. They’d had an agreement, and their time was up.

  “Can I kiss you goodbye?” he asked, suddenly feeling like he needed permission to touch her, to press his lips to hers in the same way he’d been doing whenever he wanted to while they were away.

  She smiled, her nod barely noticeable. Tanner took the few steps separating them and bent to place a single kiss to her lips, hesitating, their mouths connected for all of two seconds. Tears trickled down her cheeks and he raised a thumb to gently brush them away.

  “Goodbye,” she murmured. “Call me if you need me.”

  “I’ll miss you, Lauren,” he whispered.

  She held up her hand. “Me too.”

  He stepped back and watched her go, one of the drivers waving her over and opening the rear door of her car.

  It was over. They’d had fun, but it was back to reality now. Lauren Lewis was firmly in his past again. And he didn’t like it one goddamn bit.

  * * *

  Lauren sat in the car, grateful that the driver had the dark tinted pane up between the front and rear seats. She tipped her head back and swallowed down the choke of emotion in her throat, eyes squeezed shut tight as she tried to stop the tears from freefalling down her cheeks as pain cloaked her.

  Seeing Tanner standing there, feeling that final, lingering kiss, knowing it was over again when it had never really even started, was rough. Tanner had been her first love and he may always be her biggest love, as well as her biggest regret. She regretted finishing things with him when she loved him so deeply all those years ago, even though she knew it had been the right thing to do, and she regretted going back and giving in to temptation all over again.

  Tanner would always be her weakness—and for a girl who hated not being in control and being any kind of weak, that was a hard pill to swallow.

  She was going back to work in a few weeks, and once she was focused on her team and her job again, she’d be able to move on. She’d be too busy and too exhausted to dwell on what could have been. All she needed was to get through the next month.

  A silent, shuddering sob erupted from deep inside of her and she stuffed her fist to her mouth as she buckled forward, struggling to breathe as emotion consumed her. Why had she put herself through this? Why had she ever said yes to treating the one human being on the planet who affected her like this?

  She cried and cried, wiping frantically at her cheeks only for more tears to fall. Lauren sucked back gulps of air, as if her lungs had been deprived of oxygen, as if she was on the verge of a panic attack.

  She just needed to get home. She needed to crawl under the covers and hide from the world, sleep for a day and stay in her cocoon until she was ready to brave life again. Tanner was gone. She wasn’t going to see him again and no amount of crying was going to change that.

  She’d survived losing him before and she’d survive again. The only other option was to die of a broken heart, which meant that she was only allowed to wallow for a few days at the most before pulling herself up by her boot straps and putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually the pain would heal to a deep thud inside of her that she could keep hidden away, that only she would know about. After all, she’d managed to live that way for years, so it was going to be hard but not impossible.

  Lauren rummaged in her bag and found some tissues, blew her nose, wiped at her cheeks, and dabbed her eyes until she felt human again. Once she was cleaned up, she stared out the window and watched the world pass by, turning so her cheek was against the seat. Fiji was already a distant memory, and the sooner it disappeared from her head altogether the better.

  She quickly picked up her phone and tried to keep it together.

  “Hey!” Casey answered after the first ring.

  “Can I come over?” Lauren asked, holding her breath before bursting into tears again.

  “Wine or hot chocolate?” Casey asked.

  Lauren gulped. “Just a shoulder to cry on and a sofa to curl up on.”

  �
�Love you,” Casey said.

  Lauren wanted to say the words back, but she couldn’t get them out. Instead, she hung up the phone and cleared her throat, pulling herself together enough to tell her driver the change in address.

  Chapter 17

  Two Weeks Later

  “LAUREN, what’s going on? I’ve never seen you so…”

  Lauren paused, staring across the street. She forced herself to take a sip of her cappuccino.

  “What?” she asked.

  “So blue.”

  Lauren smiled and touched her sister’s hand to reassure her. “I’m fine. I’m just thinking about the upcoming season and the new players.” She’d sworn Casey to secrecy, not wanting Hannah to know how heartbroken she was—the last thing she needed was it getting back to her mom and then having to deal with her on the phone. But sitting across from her sister, it was hard to keep her poker face on.

  “Sorry, honey, I call bullshit. What’s really going on? You’ve been like this ever since you got back from Fiji. Did Tanner do something to hurt you?”

  Lauren almost choked on her coffee as she spluttered her reply. “No! No, he didn’t do anything to hurt me, not like that. This has nothing to do with Tanner, I’m just tired. And I have the holiday blues I guess.”

  Hannah was silent as she finished her coffee and ate a forkful of the slice of carrot cake they were sharing. But when she looked up, her eyebrows were arched and Lauren knew that her sister’s intuition meant she wasn’t about to give up.

  “I don’t believe for a second that’s all that’s going on, Lauren.” She sighed. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, but don’t lie to me.”

  Lauren looked into her sister’s eyes. She’d been wanting to tell her, from the moment she’d arrived home, but confessing what had happened, actually saying it out loud meant she’d have to admit that it had happened. Keeping it in her head meant she could pretend it was a dream, a fantasy like the millions of fantasies she’d had over the years about Tanner.

  “Lauren? Oh shit, don’t go crying on me! I didn’t mean to be a pushy–”