Silent Night

by Danielle Steel

  She didn’t answer for a long time. “The thought of it terrifies me. Not just with you. With anyone. It’s tempting but so damn scary and potentially dangerous.”

  “The alternative is very lonely,” he said, sorry for her. He could sense how frightened she was, and how isolated she’d been until Emma. Emma had begun to open doors for her that had always been closed before.

  “It would kill me if someone tried to control me the way my father did to her. He wanted us to go into the business too. Paige tried, but she didn’t have the talent. And I ran. I hid in medicine, and he couldn’t do anything about it. And then Paige dragged Emma into it. It’s an insidious business that eats people up and spits them out. I’m happy I escaped it.” But she hadn’t escaped her demons yet. The specter of her father loomed large. And she was describing a life and a world that Bailey knew nothing about and he wouldn’t have wanted either. It was a sophisticated world that came at a high price. His parents hadn’t been happy either, after his brother’s accident destroyed them, but he still believed that two people could be happy together, and he wanted to try it with her, if she’d let him, which was not a sure thing by any means. She had built powerful walls around herself and hidden behind them, and in the past year with Emma, her walls had begun crumbling. He understood who she was now, and the battles she had fought, and her honesty only made him love her more. He just had to figure out how to help her get over her walls. He had been fighting his own demons for most of his life, and the memory of his parents’ unhappy marriage, but he knew that with Whitney, it could all be different. He had never felt that way before. Watching Whitney with Emma had taught him something about courage, and being with her made him feel brave. Maybe brave enough for both of them.

  As he lay in the cottage that night he was overwhelmed with tender feelings for her, this woman who had fought so hard to save her niece and honor her sister, to forgive her parents and be free.

  And in her bedroom in the main house, Whitney was thinking the same things about him, and what a good man he was. In the last eleven months, she had come to trust him. It was a first for her. She wasn’t sure yet if she wanted to live with him. But the one thing she did know was that she loved him, more than any man she’d known before.

  Chapter 17

  The rest of Bailey’s stay with them in Tahoe was perfect and sped by too quickly. They caught crayfish at the dock at night, and ate them for lunch the next day. He took them fishing, and Emma caught a tiny little fish and he cooked it, which delighted her.

  He gave her swimming lessons in the shallow water at the edge of the lake, and she started to remember how to float and dog paddle. He gave her rides on the jet ski, and they took the Riva out again. He wanted to go horseback riding but they didn’t have time. Emma and Whitney were both sorry to see him leave on Sunday afternoon. There had been fireworks the night before for the Fourth of July, and a parade in the town nearest the house. He enjoyed every moment with them, and Whitney invited him back the following weekend. He agreed to come, and said he’d fly so he’d have more time with them, instead of wasting it driving up from L.A.

  Whitney and Emma enjoyed their time together alone during the week too. Brett went back to L.A., and they went for long walks, and Whitney worked on Emma’s swimming with her. They looked through the shops in town, bought groceries, and did some baking. And they sat on the dock and talked about Emma’s mother.

  “I miss her a lot sometimes, now that I remember more about her. She was fun to be with. We did silly things sometimes. Once, we squirted whipped cream all over the neighbor’s car because he was mean to us and said we made too much noise.”

  “That sounds like your mom. She used to do things like that when we were kids too. She taught me how to egg cars. My dad had a fit when he found out, when someone called the police. And then she blamed me and said she didn’t do it. I was mad at her for months afterward, because I got grounded and she didn’t. She was kind of a pain in the ass when we were kids.” Whitney smiled at her niece and Emma laughed.

  “She was kind of a pain in the ass with me sometimes too. But I loved her anyway. I really didn’t want to be in that musical in New York, and I thought she was going to make me do it. Maybe she would have. She thought it was a big opportunity. I wanted to stay on the show in L.A. She never listened to what I wanted. She always said she knew what was best for me.”

  “My dad was like that too. I guess she was more like him than I realized,” Whitney said thoughtfully.

  “You listen to me, and you care about what I want to do,” Emma said.

  “Maybe it’s easier because I’m not your mom. She had put a lot of time and energy into your career. I think you can always do that later, not at your age.”

  “She never asked me if I wanted to be an actress. She just expected it of me, so I did it. Sometimes it was fun, but a lot of the time it wasn’t. It’s hard work.”

  “I think my mom felt that way too. I’m not sure she ever really enjoyed being the big star she was. Sometimes maybe, but not always. Once she told me it scared her. It would have scared me too.”

  “It didn’t scare me, it just wasn’t fun a lot of the time,” Emma said quietly.

  “Being a doctor isn’t fun every day either. It’s the nature of work. Sometimes it’s hard too.”

  “But you help people. You make them better. Like Bailey and Amy.”

  “I try. I don’t always get it right.”

  “I think you do,” Emma said in an admiring tone. “I think you’re a good mom too. You should have had kids of your own.”

  “I don’t need to. Now I have you.” She smiled at her, and after that they went up to the house and made dinner together. They made s’mores, although Emma said they weren’t as good as Bailey’s.

  They had fun with him when he got back from the city. He came up on Thursday, and was planning to stay until Monday morning. And they caught crayfish again the first night he was there and cooked them for dinner.

  He looked happy to see Whitney, and relaxed, and told her about the cases he had worked on that week. He was writing another paper on brain injury, and he showed her the rough draft, and then he asked her a question she wasn’t expecting. He’d said it casually before, but this time he asked her very directly.

  “Would you ever consider coming into our practice with us? Amy and I have been talking about it for months. I want to have a psychiatrist in our group to deal with that whole end of things. It would make our group a lot stronger. Would you consider it?” Whitney paused as she thought about it and nodded.

  “Yes, I would consider it. We’ve talked about it before, and I agree with you. I think psychiatry and neurology are more related than people think, in the case of brain injury, and working with both would make my practice much more interesting than it has been for the last few years. I think I’m ready for a change. When were you thinking?”

  “As soon as you’re ready. I think Amy’s about to have some big news. She wants to get married and have babies, and she’s been thinking about going back to Colorado where she came from and setting up a smaller practice there, but I don’t think she’s going to do it immediately. She’s tired of L.A. and wants to move back to Denver sometime in the next year. You could join us in September. You can still see some of your regular patients if you want, but you could see ours too.” It sounded exciting to Whitney, and they talked about it until late that night. “We have an empty office you can use,” he added, as he smiled at her, and then he kissed her. “I know it seems complicated if you work with us, and you and I get involved too. But I love the idea of both. Do you think you can handle a double header like that?” That sounded challenging and appealing to her too.

  “We could try it. If it doesn’t work, or we fight all the time, I can go back to my old practice. We could do it as an experiment for a while.” But he seemed easy to get along with, and they hadn’t h
ad any major disagreements so far, about Emma or anything else. “What does Amy say about it? Is she okay with the idea? She’s mentioned it, but I wasn’t sure if she was serious.”

  “She told me not to screw it up and scare you off, or she’d kill me.” They both laughed. “So I think she means it,” he said, “and I do too.” It was all Whitney needed to hear.

  They talked about it again the next morning over breakfast, and then they went down to the lake and Bailey gave Emma another swimming lesson. She was feather kicking through the water with her life jacket on, and she took it off for a few minutes, and she still managed to slice through the water. Her body was remembering what her mind had forgotten, which happened to her about many things. A lot of her memory had come back, more than Bailey had expected. It was what Whitney had hoped.

  “You don’t give up easily,” he said quietly, when they were watching Emma in the water one afternoon.

  “I like to think that anything is possible,” she said, and he looked into her eyes.

  “So do I. I don’t give up easily either. I love you, Whitney. I want this to work between us, however you want to design it, whatever the terms. A relationship, a marriage, a joint practice. I think we both bring a lot to the table. I don’t need to get married, or have kids if that’s not what you want. I’m not going to try to control you. I’m not your father. And you’re not your mother. You’re not helpless and powerless. We’re two people who love and respect each other. I don’t need to put a ring or a leash on you to do that.” What he said moved her deeply and she didn’t know what to say at first.

  “Thank you” was all she could muster. He had understood how terrified she was of falling into her father’s trap.

  “I’m scared too, you know, I’ve never put my heart out there for anyone the way I have for you. If you walk away, it will break my heart.”

  “I’m not walking away,” she said softly. “I think I’m walking toward you, I’m just slower than most people.”

  “You’re like a wild horse,” he said gently, “but they’re the best ones. I’m here, Whitney, whenever you want me to be.” She nodded, and they lay down next to each other on the dock. It felt good just being near him, and knowing he wasn’t going to try and force her into anything she didn’t want. She loved the idea of joining their practice. He had given her a lot to think about.

  * * *

  —

  The three of them played Scrabble and chess and poker at night. Emma beat them soundly a number of times, and she laughed whenever she did. She beat Bailey out of five dollars at poker and he told her she was a little bandit. Then she beat him at chess too.

  “I think I liked you better before your memory came back,” he growled at her, and she laughed. She still had frustrating moments every now and then when she came up against a hole in her memory. It was always unexpected and inexplicable. Some small thing she couldn’t remember, a word, or an answer to a question. It annoyed her whenever it happened, and she said it made her feel stupid.

  “You’re not stupid,” Bailey explained to her again. “It’s part of your injury, like a weak ankle or a weak wrist. Some things take longer to get strong again than others. Or sometimes you have a little weakness forever. You’re almost as strong as you were, just not quite.”

  “Do you think I’ll have trouble in school?” she asked him seriously. She was worried about it, and had said it to Whitney too.

  “No, I don’t,” he answered. “You can’t be good at everything, so you’ll be better at some subjects, but you’re not going to forget your name, or how to read or how to add. All of that is behind you, Emma.” It took a year, but as brain injuries went, that was fast. And youth was on her side, as they had said.

  “Do you think I’m too stupid to ever be a doctor?” she asked him.

  “What kind of doctor?”

  “A neurologist, like you and Amy. I want to take care of kids like me, with brain injuries.” She seemed serious about it, although she had years ahead of her to change her mind and do something else, or even be an actress again.

  “I’ll tell you what,” he said with a solemn expression. “If you go to medical school and become a neurologist, if I’m still practicing when you finish, I guarantee you a place in our practice, and I’ll put your name on the door right next to mine. Is that a deal?” He held out a hand to shake hers, as she studied his expression to see if he meant it, and he looked like he did.

  “How long would it take me?”

  “About thirteen years, including college, medical school, and residency. So that’s about twenty-one years from now. You’ll just catch me before I retire so you better hurry up.”

  “It’s a deal,” she said soberly and shook his hand. “I’ll be there.”

  “I’m trying to get your aunt to come in with us too,” he said, looking pleased. “And remember your aunt’s motto, ‘Anything is possible,’ so don’t go giving up and telling me how stupid you are halfway through medical school. I’m expecting you to go all the way.”

  Emma nodded as she looked at him, and a long, slow smile lit up her face. Whitney saw it as she walked over to them.

  “What’s going on here? More poker games?”

  “I’m recruiting child labor,” he said, looking pleased with himself. “Emma and I just made a deal. So you’d better get your ass in gear, before she gets her name on the door first.” Whitney laughed out loud at what he said.

  * * *

  —

  On Saturday, Bailey got his wish, or one of them. He called the stables nearby to see about renting horses and a guide for a leisurely ride in the hills. He was an experienced rider, and Whitney said she hadn’t ridden since she was a kid but didn’t want to be a poor sport and stay home, so she agreed to go. Bailey said he’d ask for an easy horse for her, and for Emma. She had ridden a few times on the show. And riding with Bailey sounded like fun to her.

  Whitney got nervous about it as they got in the car to drive to the stables, and she spoke to Bailey in an undertone. “Do you think this is a good idea? For Emma, I mean.”

  “It’s fine,” he said reassuringly, “those rented horses for hire are always hacks at stables like this. We’ll have to beat on them to keep them going. I wouldn’t suggest it if I thought it was dangerous for her. And they’ll make us wear helmets anyway, or I will if they don’t.” Whitney felt better when he said it, and got in the car, and Emma hopped onto the backseat in jeans, and boots with heels as Bailey had told her to. She was wearing a pair of red Doc Martens and looked very cute, with her long hair in pigtails. Whitney had done her braids, and was wearing short boots too.

  They were surprised by how crowded the stables were when they got there. A dozen horses were tied up in a corral, six others were being saddled, and there were people milling around, asking questions, getting on horses, and putting helmets on. By the time they got to Bailey, they said they had run out of their newer helmets, and handed him two old, beaten-up ones for him and Whitney, and a small newer one for Emma. Bailey told her to put it on and checked the strap himself. The horses they’d been given looked ancient, and their guide even more so. He was Native American with deeply leathered skin, long braids, and a turquoise belt buckle. He said they were going to follow an easy path along the lake, and the ride would take an hour. They had too many reservations to keep them out any longer today, but if they came some other time, he’d take a different path for two or three hours. Bailey figured an hour would be long enough for Emma, who had little experience, but she was excited to go. And Whitney didn’t want to ride for longer than an hour either and knew she’d be sore the next day after not having ridden for so long.

  They finally left the area outside the barn half an hour later, and Harry Running Bear, their guide, led the way, across the highway, to a series of trails, and picked one. It all seemed a little too tame to Bailey, who was already bored
on a half dead horse who could barely pick up his feet and stopped to graze every few minutes, along with Whitney’s horse, who seemed even older.

  The whole thing was beginning to seem like a bad idea, when Emma’s slightly younger horse pricked up his ears, started moving sideways, and then bolted when he saw a rabbit run across the path. The horse shied away, wild eyed, before Bailey could grab his bridle, and took off with Emma looking panicked. Bailey chased after Emma as fast as his horse was willing to go, which wasn’t fast enough. He couldn’t close the distance between them, as Harry Running Bear stared at them in astonishment and did nothing, and Whitney screamed at Bailey to catch them. Just as he got to Emma, holding on to the saddle for dear life, her horse bucked neatly and Emma flew through the air like a bird and landed on the grass, winded, as her horse ran back toward the stable. Bailey dismounted and ran toward her. She was staring up at the sky expressionlessly with her eyes open when he got there and didn’t make a sound. She looked dead for a minute and then she turned her head slowly toward him and moaned. She was alive, and she was wearing a helmet, but she could have been concussed or have injured her neck. He felt it gingerly with his fingers, as Emma looked at him and whispered.

  “My head hurts.”

  “Don’t move, Em,” he said gently as Harry Running Bear finally got to them and Bailey told the guide to call an ambulance on his cellphone.

  “I don’t have one,” he said awkwardly and Bailey handed him his own, as Whitney rode up, jumped off her horse, and ran over to Emma and Bailey. He was telling her not to move or sit up and Whitney knew he feared her neck was broken. Whitney looked panicked and was fighting back tears.

  “Is she okay?”

  “I think so,” he said calmly. “She’s winded, and her head hurts.” Whitney could imagine another year of brain injury and was furious with Bailey for suggesting the idea, and herself for agreeing to it.