Back To The Start

by Peter Styles

  “Jesus, Jewel, who are you? What sort of person does something like that? Avoids someone even in a medical crisis? You realize that I had to hear about Nicki from Ben, right? Mark didn’t tell me and neither did my best friend!”

  Jewel’s bottom lip trembled. He usually hated seeing her cry, but now he felt like twisting the knife. He exhaled a shaky breath and resisted the urge. Getting caught in a cycle of not speaking and hurting others was how everything had gotten all messed up and twisted upside down.

  “I’m sorry, Greg. I know what I did. I ran off afterwards. I am so ashamed at letting my anxiety and being selfish get the best of me. I shouldn’t have and I know that. I put myself over you and Nicki. And then I ran away like a child.” Tears were pooling in her eyes as she chewed on her bottom lip.

  “Don’t cry, Jewel. I’m angry at you, alright? But it isn’t going to be a permanent thing. I just—I need some space,” he mumbled, wanting to get away from her and Stephen.

  She sniffled. “Yeah. I mean, of course. Space. I get that. I’m sorry Stephen is here. I thought you’d be out later with Wayne.”

  “How long were you going to keep this a secret from me?”

  Jewel avoided his eyes and looked down at her feet, clearly not wanting to answer that. He made a small sound of disgust in the back of his throat before pushing past her. He was anxious to get away from his best friend, away from what she had done to him and what she kept hidden.

  Locking his door, he flopped onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. He could hear Jewel’s footsteps as she came to the door. Greg waited silently, to see if she would knock. Jewel seemed to hover there. The space between them widened. The anger in the pit of his stomach felt as though it was alive, churning in his gut and up into his throat. Don’t knock, he silently begged, knowing that if he saw her face he would lose his tenuous grip on keeping his rage under control.

  But Jewel didn’t knock. After a minute or so, he heard Stephen call her name. As if being pulled away from the door, she turned around and left. Silence lay over him like a thick blanket.

  Ten minutes later, he heard Jewel come back to the door and slip something underneath it. Greg didn’t move. The front door closed. Forcing himself out of bed, he leaned over and picked up the note that she had shoved into the room.

  Greg,

  Going over to Stephen’s for the night. I think we both need to calm down. I will talk to you tomorrow. Please, do not tell anyone I am seeing Stephen.

  The note managed to make him even more irritated. What did she have to calm down about? She had been the one to avoid him, to lie, and not let him know about Nicki. If she wanted to fuck up her own life and fall back in with Stephen, fine. Go ahead. But not telling him about his mother being in the hospital was fucked up any way he looked at it.

  His chest felt tight, like someone had been sitting on it for hours. Greg sat down on the edge of his bed, chewing on his bottom lip and trying to force down the anxiety that had taken root in his chest. He fumbled for his phone out of his pocket and looked at it.

  It was late. Anyone else would be asleep. Except Ben. He would be awake. Was it strange to call him and talk about Jewel? Did it seem clingy? Thinking about Ben was confusing. How he felt about Jewel’s brother appeared to be shifting—and Greg wasn’t sure if he was quite ready for that.

  Instead, he decided to text him. “Your sister is seeing Stephen again. How is that for bad ideas?”

  After Greg hit send, he wondered if the text came off as cheesy or desperate. The truth was, no matter how odd it was to admit, he wanted to talk to Ben. The conversation outside the hospital, as difficult as it had been, felt like the first time since Greg moved back home that he had opened up to someone here.

  But there was no reply from Ben. After a while, Greg couldn’t keep his eyes open and drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter Eleven

  Rain falling. The sound of glass crunching. A coppery taste in Greg’s mouth. Woozily, his eyes open as he tries to puzzle out what just occurred. His vision is blurry. But it is evident that he is now upside down. Alarmed, he struggles but is restrained. His breathing comes hard and fast. There had been lights. Impact. Metal grinding on metal. The world reversing itself, exploding into a thousand different stars.

  Greg realized he is restrained by his seatbelt. Malcolm is slumped against the wheel. There is a dark substance smeared across his face that makes Greg’s chest tighten painfully.

  He is grappling with the seatbelt, trying to break free so that he can go to his father. The rain is coming down so quickly that it is spilling in through the broken window, running against the roof of the car which is dashed against the road. The sight of the water panics Greg for some reason and he struggles again to get his seatbelt unbuckled…

  *

  The hot water pounded against Greg’s skin. He had been in the shower for too long. If Jewel were here, she would be banging on the door and yelling at him for hogging the hot water. But it was ten in the morning and she wasn’t home yet.

  He tried to push past his thoughts of Jewel and Stephen. He was going to work this morning, finish a painting for a client and then head over to his mother’s house. For the first time since his father’s death, he would prefer being around Mark instead of Jewel. At least with Mark, he knew to expect disdain. With Jewel, he was no longer sure —what he was going to get.

  Something else was nagging him this morning, something pointless and trivial. Ben hadn’t texted him back. It shouldn’t have been anything he gave a thought toward… yet he was. There could be a thousand reasons why Ben didn’t reply. Were they even friends? But Greg awoke that morning and checked his phone first thing only to feel disappointment at nothing from him.

  Wayne had texted him. The message had been short, expressing his delight at how the evening went and wanting to see him again. Greg had stared at the message as if it were written in alien script and put his phone down.

  He had gotten out of the shower when the front door slammed open so hard that the walls shook. There were angry voices, shouting over the top of each other so that Greg couldn’t hear anything they said. Startled, he quickly pulled on his t-shirt and sweatpants and hurried out into the living room.

  To his surprise, Ben stood in the middle of the room. Jewel was there as well, her arms crossed and a sullen expression on her face. Ben’s back was to Greg but he could see the tension in his shoulders.

  “Out of all the stupid and pointless life choices you have made, this one really takes the cake. Were you looking for first prize in stupidity?” Ben shouted at his sister.

  She opened her mouth to reply when she took notice of Greg. Her lips twisted into a smirk and she lowered her arms, stomping over to him.

  “What the fuck? I asked you not to tell anyone and you run and tell my fucking brother?”

  “Really?” Greg deadpanned. “You’re going to come after me for telling Ben after what you did?”

  “It wasn’t your right to tell him.”

  “I cannot believe that you are getting high and mighty on me over this!” Greg snapped, losing his cool. “My mom was in the hospital and you didn’t even fucking tell me, Jewel! You were too busy caring about yourself and avoiding me to tell me! I’m furious with you! How many things have you not told me? First the drinking and now Stephen—I thought we were best friends!”

  Jewel stared at him, but didn’t reply. There was rage in her eyes, but she took a step away from him and looked at Ben.

  “Fuck both of you,” she mumbled and then grabbed her bag off the couch.

  “Sure, run away again! Have fun neglecting all of your responsibilities for that piece of shit!” Ben yelled after her as the door slammed shut, vibrating the walls.

  In the silence that followed, Greg tried to get his breathing under control. The rage was coursing through him, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Ben ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled before glancing at him.

  “I got your text,” he finally mumbled
.

  Greg would have found the sentence comical if he weren’t so angry. “And what, you thought cornering her and yelling was a good tactic?”

  “No, not this shit from you, too.” He jabbed a finger in Greg’s direction. “You know how serious this is. You know Stephen didn’t treat her right. You know this.”

  He did. As keen as Jewel currently was to forget about anything negative she had faced with Stephen, Greg could remember every time she had come to him crying about something that man had said or done to her. Her engagement to Stephen had been met with forced cheer.

  But it hadn’t been until Jewel had caught him cheating that she had left. Clearly, Stephen had managed to worm his way back into her heart.

  “Was that the best way to handle it, though? Maybe we should have sat her down or…” Greg asked.

  “Or what? Don’t be naïve, Greg, or let her off easy. She didn’t tell you about Nicki because of that prick. You know that he was in her head, filling it up with bullshit about not telling you for some reason. Without him, Jewel wouldn’t have done something like that.”

  “I know,” he mumbled.

  “But that doesn’t excuse what she did. You can’t let it. Listen to me—are you even listening to me?”

  “Yes!” Greg snapped, looking up at Ben. “I am, okay? God, Ben, you slam your way over here and what, think you’re in control of the situation? Your sister isn’t someone we can just order around!”

  Ben narrowed his eyes. “I’m not ordering her around. Apparently, though, I’m the only one here who cares enough about her to try to stop her from making a mistake!”

  “She already made the mistake! She’s with Stephen again. We have to figure out what we are going to do about it instead of just bickering with each other!”

  Ben paced the living room. His shoulders were hunched as he walked, his arms crossed, his brow furrowed as he stomped around. Distantly, Greg thought with a small sense of relief that he was glad Ben was here; he was glad he hadn’t ignored his text but had merely acted on it.

  His hair had fallen in front of his eyes a little, causing Ben to flick it out of the way repeatedly. The gesture was seemingly automatic, but Greg found himself lingering on the way that Ben’s slender fingers pushed his hair away.

  “Out of all the stupid shit that she could have gone and done… Mom and Dad will freak out if they know she is with Stephen again. They’re still pissed they had to pay for the deposit on the reception hall. They will never accept Jewel is back with him,” Ben remarked, snapping Greg out of his trance.

  “Jewel knows that. That’s why she’s hiding. But us yelling at her is just going to drive her straight into Stephen’s arms. She’s at that stage where all the bullshit he did to her doesn’t matter. Water under the bridge. She won’t listen to us.”

  Ben threw his hands in the air. “What am I supposed to do then? Just let my sister make a terrible decision? Stand by and let her fuck things up?”

  “Maybe we can try talking to her from a place of understanding. Non-judgmental.” He hesitated. “Actually, I should probably try that.”

  Ben’s lips quirked like he was fighting off a smile. “You don’t think I can be understanding?”

  “Not when it comes to your sister. You care too much about her.”

  Fingers through his hair again; Greg couldn’t stop watching whenever Ben did that. It appeared to be an anxious habit.

  “Do you have any booze?”

  Greg blinked. “It’s like ten in the morning.”

  Ben shrugged. “Feels like the evening to me. I worked all night.”

  “Uh, yeah. I think there’s some in the fridge,” Greg said, as Ben followed him to the kitchen. “Are you sure you don’t want coffee or something?”

  “No. Beer. Then nap before class.” Ben took the beer from Greg. “Thanks.”

  Greg watched as Ben’s fingers curled around the twist off cap. He needed to get a grip. He must be tired; lack of sleep and all this stress would make anyone focus on strange things.

  “How did you find Jewel, anyway?” Greg asked, anxious to stop focusing on Ben’s mannerisms.

  “I got lucky. After work finished, I headed over because I thought she was here. When I pulled up, Stephen was dropping her off. I lost my cool, went off on her and that was when you came in.” He shrugged, taking a swig from the beer.

  Greg quickly recounted how he had found Jewel with Stephen, finishing with, “I knew there had to be a reason she didn’t tell me about Nicki or was acting oddly. But Stephen… should I have known? I feel like I should have known.”

  “What? Are you going to blame yourself for this too? Pretty sure you can only be allowed one thing to feel incorrectly guilty for and you already have your dad’s death.” Ben’s gaze softened a little. “My sister makes her own choices. This doesn’t have to do with you.”

  “Yeah. You’re right. I’m probably just being too hard on myself.”

  “You tend to do that.”

  The words surprised Greg only because he couldn’t recall ever talking to Ben much up until recently. How Ben would know his tendency to be too hard on himself, Greg didn’t know, but he wasn’t sure how to ask. There was a moment of silence in between the two men as Ben took another swig of his beer.

  “Must have been annoying to come back from seeing your mom or dealing with your brother and finding Jewel with Stephen,” he remarked.

  Without thinking, Greg said, “No, I was on a date with Wayne.”

  Ben’s posture shifted as he brought the bottle to his lips, glancing away from Greg. “Oh, you still seeing that guy?”

  “It was our second date.” Was Greg imagining it or had Ben’s fingers tightened slightly around the beer?

  “Where did he take you—another coffee shop?” He quipped, still not looking at him.

  Before, Greg would have felt annoyed, but this time he just felt a dire need to change the subject. He didn’t want to talk about Wayne with Ben. He didn’t want to give Ben the idea that Wayne was something serious.

  The thought struck him as odd, but he forced himself to reply. “No. Dinner.”

  “Yeah? How did it go? You think you two might be something serious?”

  Greg hesitated as he thought back to the way Wayne had kissed him and he felt nothing. But before he could even say anything, Ben tilted his face back and let out a throaty laugh. The noise brought him up short, not because Ben was laughing, but because Greg knew what that dry laughter meant.

  “What?” Greg snapped, crossing his arms and leaning against the fridge.

  “Your face! You don’t even have to answer my question because your face made it completely clear where you stand with that guy,” Ben remarked, still smirking.

  “He’s very nice.”

  “Great. What’s wrong with him, though? Come on, something is wrong with him for you to get a look on your face like that.”

  Greg rolled his eyes, not wanting to talk about Wayne or say his thoughts aloud. He moved to leave the kitchen, but Ben took one step over and blocked him from leaving. They were close now; Greg could feel the heat from Ben’s body and the scent of cigarette smoke from his night at the bar clinging to his shirt. It mingled with his cologne—it was Ben’s scent, oddly comforting, becoming increasingly familiar.

  Ben, much taller than him, looked down into his eyes. “Even I could tell that there was no spark.”

  “Yeah? You could tell that when you came over to annoy us in the coffee shop?” he replied, although there was a crack in his voice that hadn’t been there before.

  Being this close to Ben was causing his heart to flutter. The air had changed; there was a tension crackling between the two men. Ben was studying his face silently, his beer forgotten on the counter as the silence dragged on. The only thing that Greg could hear was the clock ticking on the counter—an ugly thing that Jewel had bought in a thrift store and put in the kitchen.

  “I can read people,” Ben replied, his voice hoarse.

 
; “Yeah? What did you read?”

  “He seems pompous. He probably talks about himself a lot. He’s different, different than you are and you think it’s good for you. That you need someone to balance you out. Maybe you think you need someone to keep you level. So, you let him talk your ear off. And when he kisses you, he doesn’t do it the way you need to be kissed.”

  So close, practically touching now, what struck Greg the hardest wasn’t that he wanted to push Ben away. It was that he was craving his touch, like every nerve was wide awake and buzzing inside of him.

  He tilted his face back so that Ben could lean forward. Lips close. Heart pounding in his chest.

  “How should I be kissed?” Greg mumbled quietly, as Ben’s lips hovered above his.

  The silence shattered into a thousand pieces as Ben’s phone suddenly went off, so loudly that Greg let out a yelp of surprise and took a step away. The moment ruined, Ben yanked his phone out of his pocket.

  “S–sorry. Fuck. I have it up loud at work in case someone needs me. I forgot— forgot to turn it down.” Ben, usually in control of any situation Greg had watched him in, now looked flushed and out of his element, looking down at the screen. “It’s my boss. Sorry. Sorry, I have to take this.”

  Ducking out of the kitchen, Greg could hear him talking to his boss in the living room. His fingers gripped the countertop as he struggled to get his bearings. What the hell had that been? Ben had been planning on kissing him—hadn’t he? There really wasn’t any other way to analyze what had just occurred.

  And when he kisses you, he doesn’t do it the way you need to be kissed. The words echoed in his head, making it hard to think. There was a buzzing in Greg’s brain mixed with bitter disappointment that Ben hadn’t been able to kiss him. He wanted it, he realized with a shock, he wanted Ben to kiss him—wanted those long fingers wrapped around his own hair, pulling his head back just enough so that Ben could kiss him along the neck…