Back To The Start

by Peter Styles

  “Aren’t you always?” he joked.

  Ben lowered the beer onto the table as he shifted forward. His fingers curled around Greg’s wrist, causing his heart to skip a beat. There was that tension again, threatening to boil over. It was surreal, Greg thought, as he found himself eager to kiss his best friend’s brother once more.

  Without waiting for an answer, probably because Ben already knew it, he leaned forward and kissed him again. This kiss was different; there was no fear of being rejected or worry about being interrupted. Greg leaned into him, liking the feeling of his lips against his. His entire body felt alight, his head pleasantly empty of all horrible feelings or memories of what had happened tonight.

  Ben’s arms wrapped around his waist as the kiss deepened. Greg could feel his stubble brushing against his face, could smell his cologne and cigarette smoke as his hands trailed up his back and dug into his skin.

  The kiss suddenly broke and Ben looked at him breathlessly. “Is this okay? Should I stop?”

  “No. No, don’t stop,” Greg whispered, urgently.

  Ben didn’t need to be told twice. His lips were against Greg’s once more, an urgency sneaking into this one as Greg fell back against the couch. Ben crawled on top of him. His fingers were slipping underneath his t-shirt. The sudden touch of Ben’s fingertips against Greg’s skin caused goosebumps to appear.

  He felt small pressed against the couch underneath Ben, who was so much taller and a more commanding figure than he was. His tongue was in Ben’s mouth as he held onto him, clinging to him as if he were a lifeboat. His head now pleasantly humming, he could feel Ben’s hardness through his jeans, straining against the fabric.

  The kiss ended when Ben pulled away. “Come on.” His voice hoarse and taunt, unlike Greg had ever heard it before.

  It took only seconds to stumble into his bedroom. The window was open, allowing the streetlight to pour into the small space and fill the room with a dull light. Greg tugged off Ben’s shirt, dropping it to the floor and taking in the sight of him. He was toned, with muscles that Greg trailed his fingers over, marveling at the sight of him. In one swoop, all the memories of what Ben had looked like in high school faded away to be replaced with these new ones.

  The light seemed to make Ben glow, touching the tips of his black hair, outlining him in pale gold. Normally, Greg always felt nervous undressing in front of a new lover, as if they might take one look at him and change their minds. But there wasn’t any of that with Ben. As they undressed, the only thing Greg felt was safe, like the entire world outside had been placed on hold and there were the two of them now.

  Ben’s lips trailed across his shoulder up to his neck. Each small kiss made Greg’s head feel dizzy. He pressed his hands against Ben’s chest, feeling how quickly his heart thudded, like a trapped bird. He tilted his head back, allowing Ben to nibble on his earlobe before their lips met once more.

  Their tongues connected, bodies curved against one another in the small bedroom. Ben promised an oasis, a respite from how weary his thoughts made him feel. Ben, who was safe and solid, warm and strong, made Greg’s head swim with desire.

  They fell on the bed together, Ben dragging his lips along his neck, sucking and biting on the skin there occasionally. Only in their boxers, Greg could feel his hard cock pressed against Ben’s. Their lips met again as Greg arched his back, pressing his skin against his. The skin on skin contact made his head light, made him anxious for more— to feel more of Ben and to take him.

  Ben let out a soft groan. The noise was subtle, yet it was enough to cause Greg to crush his lips against his. The sign of Ben’s arousal was new to him, something he never expected to hear in his life, something that sounded like Ben was losing the battle against appearing in control of a situation.

  There was none of the awkwardness that usually came along with being newly together in this way. Greg liked the way that he fit against him, small and safe; the only thing that he could touch, taste, and feel was Ben.

  Slowly grinding against each other, Greg wanted more of him, wanted all of him. He wanted the oblivion Ben would bring, wanted the man he had been falling for recently and the feeling of his arms around him.

  As Ben trailed his fingers down his chest, his kisses went from his neck and lower, promising pleasure. Greg’s hand ran through his long hair, twirling the locks around his fingers as the kisses went down, along his chest.

  He closed his eyes, letting Ben take charge. Whatever he wanted to do, Greg would follow him. He wanted Ben to have all of him.

  Together, the late night faded into early morning. Greg didn’t let Ben go.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Greg stirred and his eyes fluttered open. For a few seconds, he found himself looking at an unfamiliar ceiling, unsure of where he was or how he had gotten here. Sunlight streamed into the room from the open window. Long streaks of light covered the bottom half of the bed, as well as landing across a desk covered in textbooks and a closed laptop.

  It was the sight of the textbooks and the computer screen that jolted Greg’s memory. Sitting up a little, he turned his face to the side and saw Ben.

  Ben was still asleep. His black hair spilled out across the pillow. His long eyelashes were dark streaks against his cheeks. He didn’t stir at all, sleeping too deeply to feel the small movements of Greg. The bedcovers were tossed back a little, exposing his perfectly toned chest. He was so handsome that Greg felt his chest constrict slightly, marveling at him.

  He found himself studying Ben’s face, remembering what had unfolded last night. It was a situation he never thought would unfold, having Ben like that and falling asleep with him. There had never been any indication that Ben was gay—but it wasn’t as if Greg knew anything about his personal life or what he did in his spare time. It hadn’t come up. Since Greg had returned home, Ben had mostly been helping him with something, talking out some problem with him. Not until the moment in the kitchen had Greg considered that Ben was gay.

  He wondered if Jewel would be furious with him. As soon as he thought it, Greg realized that he didn’t care. Let her be angry. She had done enough. From her actions to the ways she had been ducking and dodging him, it had been tiring. What would she do, tell…

  He had been thinking about Nicki, yet it was in that moment that the events of last night washed over him like a terrible tidal wave. His fingers gripped the sheets as the grief that seemed to be at bay the entire night sucker-punched him in the stomach. He let out a shaky breath, not wanting to cry here—not now and not in Ben’s bed.

  Looking away from him, he saw that the clock on the bedside table said it was past noon.

  “Shit,” Greg mumbled, unbelieving that he had managed to sleep in that late.

  He should get up, find his phone, and see how many angry messages from Mark he had. Jewel was probably worried as well. Yet instead of moving, Greg just sat there. The apartment was peacefully quiet. Once more, he had the illusion that time had stopped outside, that he was here with Ben in a safety zone that only he could bring to him.

  It was then that Ben shifted and made a small noise. His eyes opened groggily and fell on Greg. He froze, suddenly terrified that reality would hit Ben and he would start talking about how it had been a mistake and this had been a one night thing.

  “Hey,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes and propping himself up.

  The sheet fell from around Ben, exposing his muscled abdomen, which caused Greg’s brain to wander back to last night.

  “Good morning. Well. Afternoon. It’s past noon.” Great, he was rambling.

  Ben yawned and then blinked. “Past noon? Shit, you probably have people wondering where you are.”

  “Probably.” Even so, he didn’t move.

  Ben sat up fully and looked at him, waiting for him to speak. Somehow, even though Greg hadn’t said anything, Ben seemingly knew that he was thinking about something.

  “I’m afraid,” he finally whispered, looking down at his hands. “Like. Once I leav
e. It’s real. It’s happening. Planning the funeral. Saying goodbye.”

  Ben’s fingers entwined with his, holding onto his hand. “Do you want me to come with you? I can blow off class.”

  He shook his head. “No. I can’t ask you to do that but… thank you.” He smiled a little. “Really.”

  Ben leaned over and his lips brushed against his. He didn’t want to leave this bed, didn’t want to face down planning his mother’s funeral, or dealing with a furious Mark and a confused Jewel. Things were simple right here, in bed with Ben.

  But Greg knew he couldn’t hide forever.

  When the kiss ended, he knew it was time to face reality.

  *

  There had been three angry voicemails from Mark and five confused and then panicked text messages from Jewel. Greg stared at the texts and listened to the voicemails without feeling anything at all. He still hadn’t cried, hadn’t been able to release any real emotion at all. Without Ben, the hollow feeling inside threatened to overtake him.

  Greg found himself hovering outside the front door of his mother’s home, unable to enter, like a vampire waiting for an invitation. He felt afraid. Afraid of going into the house he grew up in and being aware that his parents were gone now. There were only memories in the house, years of love and strife, until Greg had run away to the city to avoid things he didn’t want to deal with.

  I came back too late. I should have moved back sooner. The words had become a mantra in his head. He couldn’t shut it off, couldn’t accept that he had taken too long to move back home and now his mother was gone.

  Suddenly, the front door opened and Greg found himself staring at Bethany. She looked tired with dark circles under her eyes. She had a college textbook shoved under her arm. Her eyes widened slightly at the sight of him.

  “Greg!” she exclaimed in that high-pitched voice of hers. “We were worried! Mark has been trying to contact you. Jewel was too! But we couldn’t get a hold of you. Mark thought maybe…”

  “What?” he asked, gruffly.

  But Bethany shook her head. Her large, star-shaped earrings made a small jingling noise. “Nothing. He’ll be happy to see you. I need get to class now. Hang in there, okay?”

  She breezed past him, smelling like flowers and citrus. Greg reached out for her. His fingers curled around her wrist and Bethany looked surprise.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  He wanted to ask why Mark was dating her. He wanted to apologize for his thoughts about her upon their first meeting: that she was a ditzy blonde that Mark wanted a fling with. Bethany had been nothing but nice to him, even when Mark was cruel.

  “Nothing,” Greg said and smiled a little. “Nothing. I just wanted to say thanks. For being so nice during all of this shit. I know Mark and I aren’t easy to deal with.”

  Bethany smiled, bright and sweet. “You will figure it out. Together. I believe in that.”

  With that, she said goodbye and hurried toward her car. He watched her leave and then took a small gulp of air, preparing himself to deal with Mark. He didn’t know what his brother would be like today. Furious with him for not answering his calls? Or too tired to fight with him? Greg didn’t want to fight with his brother anymore. Not with Nicki’s words still in his head.

  He could hear voices in the living room. His brother’s, Catherine’s, and someone that sounded like Jewel. Another voice as well, one he didn’t know. Stepping into the room, Mark’s eyes landed on him.

  His brother looked exhausted, running on empty, as if he had aged twenty years overnight. He was still in the same clothes from last night. When he saw Greg, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he merely beckoned him into the fold.

  “We’re discussing the funeral. What Mom would have wanted.” His voice sounded empty.

  It was then that Greg noticed who stood next to Jewel. Stephen. He tried to keep his face neutral, but he couldn’t believe Jewel had brought that dipshit over here. He shouldn’t have any say in his mother’s funeral. He hardly knew Nicki, and she hadn’t cared for him at all.

  Jewel spoke, “Greg, we were worried! I woke up and you were just gone! Mark was furious and we didn’t know… if something had happened…” She wrung her hands together nervously.

  He turned to look at his brother. “Furious?”

  But Mark only shrugged. “Not anymore. Thought maybe you ran off to do something stupid.”

  It was a small comment, one that Catherine, Stephen, and Jewel wouldn’t pick up on. But Greg did. Mark had showed concern for him, something that he had thought was no longer possible.

  “We’re going over the details of the funeral,” Mark said, changing the subject from where Greg had been all night. “There’s coffee in the kitchen if you want some.”

  “Thanks. Sounds good.”

  He excused himself to the kitchen. The clock said one in the afternoon. Any other time, Mark would be furious at him for being so late. But he was lost in grief as well and couldn’t even be angry at him. It felt strange, Greg mused as he poured his coffee, to step into this house and not feel hostility.

  “Hey.” He heard a small voice and glanced over his shoulder to see Jewel.

  “Hey. I didn’t know you would be here.” With Stephen, he added silently.

  “When I couldn’t find you and you didn’t reply, I came over to see if you were here. Guess I panicked.” She exhaled slowly. “Now I know what it feels like when I run off.”

  “I’m used to it,” Greg replied and inwardly winced, worried it sounded too hostile.

  “Where did you go?” she asked, pulling a cup out of the cupboard and motioning to him that she wanted coffee as well.

  He felt awkward. Not only because he had slept with her brother, but because he didn’t think Ben would want him to talk about it with her. That meant he had to lie in some sort of capacity. If he had run off to be with anyone else, he would have just told her. But Ben made things more complicated.

  “I went to a bar.” Not completely a lie.

  Jewel looked surprised. “A bar, really?” She poured her coffee into her cup and Greg realized it was the same cup she always claimed for her own: a bright pink mug Nicki had purchased when she had gone to New York for a girl’s trip.

  Something in the mug saddened him to the point where he gripped the counter, his knuckles turning white as he fended off a wave of emotion. Where once Jewel would have noticed, now she focused on digging the flavored creamer that only she used out of the back of the fridge.

  By the time she turned around, Greg had regained his emotional grip on himself. The mug, blinding pink and splashed with a tacky I Heart NY logo, seemed to glow on the counter. He turned slightly to the side, blocking it from his view as he reached for the sugar.

  “What bar?” she asked, when it was clear that Greg had nothing to say. “Did you go to the one where Ben worked? I hope not.”

  “Why?” he asked, hoping that nothing showed on his face.

  Jewel poured too much creamer into her coffee. She had always been like that; turning the coffee into more of a sugar confection that only she could tolerate. He remembered, long ago, her saying she did that so Ben wouldn’t sneak sips. Ben had been drinking black coffee at the shop when he had annoyed him on his date with Wayne. Apparently, he had not taste for sugary drinks.

  “That place is a shithole,” Jewel replied, breaking him out of his thoughts. “I have no idea how Ben can work there. He says the hours work with his school schedule, but still... I’ve been there once or twice and have no interest in going back.”

  He decided to tell the truth up until Ben kissed him, deciding that would be the safest bet. “I ended up there, yeah.”

  She looked up in surprise and blinked a couple of times. “Really?”

  “The address was on the fridge. And I thought maybe I’d get a free beer out of it. You know. Knowing the bartender and all.”

  Jewel snorted. “You expect Ben to be generous?”

  “Well, he was. I guess my hunch
was right.”

  “At least he wasn’t an asshole to you. I know how he can get under your skin.”

  Ben’s lips on his, his body pressing against his as Greg held onto him. The image flashed in his brain. He pushed the thought away. Ben managing to get underneath his skin made sense now, didn’t it?

  “Yeah,” he replied lamely, taking a sip of his coffee.

  “Did you call Wayne? Instead of going to Ben’s shitty bar, you could see—”

  “I told Wayne I didn’t want to see him anymore.”

  “Oh.” Her eyebrows shot up. “Really? I thought—”

  Stephen waltzed in at that moment. Greg turned away from Jewel, vigorously stirring his coffee as he heard Stephen mumble something to her. Forcing himself to turn around, he took a sip of the coffee.

  “Hey, man. Sorry about your mother,” Stephen said to him.

  “Thanks… man.”

  The sarcasm was lost on Stephen, but he could tell that Jewel had picked up on it by the way she stiffened. Up this close, he could see the freckles that dotted Stephen’s face. His pale blonde hair curled at the nape of his neck and his watery blue eyes were looking at him. Not for the first time, Greg wondered what Jewel saw in him. The man was so white he appeared translucent and he reminded Greg of a slimy worm instead of a real human being.

  “Are you ready to go?” Stephen directed this at Jewel.

  “Leaving?” Greg asked, but he wasn’t surprised, just tired.

  “After my coffee,” she reassured him, but glanced at Stephen to see if he would be upset.

  Stephen nodded and left the kitchen. Normally, Mark would have come in here, snapping at him to get in there and help plan things. But life had been thrown off kilter and both brothers felt unmoored. Jewel glanced at him.

  “What were we talking about? Wayne, right? I thought you liked him.”

  Greg didn’t feel like talking about his personal life with Jewel anymore today. Talking about Wayne would only lead to Ben.

  “I should get back to Mark,” he mumbled and pushed past her, leaving Jewel alone in the kitchen.