Back To The Start

by Peter Styles

  The look on Jewel’s face went from comical confusion to an expression of such shock that he had to try not to laugh. He needed to look serious, otherwise she would think he was kidding. On reflex, Jewel looked over her shoulder toward her brother before looking back at him.

  “I think—I didn’t hear you properly.”

  “You did. We slept together. The night I went to his bar.”

  This time, her eyes nearly popped out of her skull. “What?!” she exclaimed so loudly that both Ben and Stephen looked over at them.

  “We haven’t talked since. I think he’s nervous. Or maybe it was a one night thing. I don’t know. But I’m going to tell him how I feel, Jewel. I just wanted you to know.”

  “Wa– wanted me to know?! I don’t even understand!” Sensing Ben and the others were listening, she struggled to drop her voice to a whisper. “I thought you couldn’t stand him!”

  “I can’t get into it right now.” It was true; Jewel wanted to get married and if he dallied too long, his courage would be lost. “Just trust me.”

  “You slept with—Ben? I didn’t even…” She looked stricken. “He never told me he was gay. I just thought he didn’t date because he’s an asshole.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe he was worried Stephen would sweep in and steal his boyfriends,” Greg quipped dryly, unable to help himself.

  But she looked too stunned for the joke to register. “I can’t believe this.”

  “I’m going to tell him right now. Give me five minutes before you get married.”

  Greg moved past her. He hoped stalling for five minutes would give Jewel time to really think about what she was doing. He hoped Ben wouldn’t shrug him off or be furious with him. Either way, telling Ben right now how he felt would be the ultimate distraction—and Greg didn’t think he could wait another second.

  Jewel protested but he didn’t hear. Ben turned to look at him. Stephen spoke but he didn’t hear him. He didn’t care about whatever he was saying.

  “I have to talk to you,” he said to Ben.

  “What? Now?”

  “Now. Jewel isn’t going to get married yet.”

  “We’re supposed to stop her from getting married at all!” But Greg grabbed Ben’s arm and dragged him away, down the row of pews to the outside of the church.

  Ben followed in silence; if he was confused, he didn’t show it. The heavy church door swung shut. There didn’t seem to be any sign of Ben’s parents; perhaps they were stuck in traffic. He hoped they didn’t appear for at least a few more minutes.

  “What’s going on?” Ben asked, crossing his arms.

  “I know this isn’t the best time, but I have to do this now. Before I just… It has to be now.”

  “What has to be now? What did you tell Jewel? She looked freaked out.” He blinked. “Oh, you think if we talk out here for a few minutes, she might snap out of it? Good idea.”

  “Ben. We slept together. And we still haven’t talked about it.”

  The words hung in the air, clearly taking Ben by surprise. “You want to talk about this now? Right now? When my sister is about to get married?”

  “You’ve been avoiding me.”

  “This is ridiculous! Jewel is in there about to get married and you want to make this all about you?” Ben exclaimed.

  Greg snapped. “Oh, please. She isn’t going to marry him. Give it five minutes and she’s going to call it off. I can tell.”

  “How?” he demanded, moving closer to him.

  Being this close to Ben made him feel lightheaded. Perhaps it was because he had finally accepted just how far he had fallen for Jewel’s brother or the fact he had told her that he loved Ben. He thought of that moment outside the hospital, when Ben revealed himself to be a real human being and not just a jerkish younger brother. That was when I was truly lost, he thought.

  “Because I can just tell, alright? Trust me on this. And talk to me.”

  Ben narrowed his eyes, looking down at him. His eyes were closed off and Greg couldn’t sense what he was thinking. His heart thudded in his chest as he fought the sensation of toppling off a ledge.

  “About what? The fact we slept together? Listen, you were emotional. And we just… fell into it.” But the forced casualness in which Ben delivered his sentence gave Greg a sprig of hope to cling to.

  “I have feelings for you. Beyond just physical. And I’m telling you now so I don’t fuck this up more. So, I don’t let you leave without you knowing how I feel,” Greg blurted out. “Because no one here seems to know absolutely anything about you. Which, admittedly, is sort of terrifying. This is me telling you then. That I…” He held off on the word, afraid of scaring him off. “That I like you a lot. And I want to see you. In a dating manner.”

  His speech finished, Greg tried not to wince. God, that sounded terrible. It sounded like something he would have said to a guy in high school, not a grand declaration of love and respect to someone like Ben.

  Ben looked at him, but didn’t reply right away. In a stroke of bad luck, that was when his parents’ car drove into the church parking lot. The moment shattered, Greg watched as Ben’s parents hurried out of the car.

  “Where is she?” Jewel’s mother looked flustered.

  “Inside.” Ben looked at Greg out of the corner of his eyes before turning around and following his parents.

  “Wonderful,” he mumbled under his breath. “Great.”

  Talk about fucking things up. He had probably scared Ben off for good. Shaking his head and trying to shove his embarrassment to the side, he stepped back into the church.

  The scene had changed considerably in the few minutes Greg and Ben had been outside. Stephen’s face was an ugly shade of red and he was shouting at Jewel. For once, she stood her ground. Her arms were crossed in her usual state of defiance, one that he hadn’t seen in a long time.

  “Greg was right. I’m hiding getting married from everyone. Why is that? I shouldn’t have let you back in. I lost my mind.”

  “Jewel, you’re making a mistake,” Stephen said, taking a step forward.

  But Ben was there and stepped in front of him. He towered over Jewel’s soon to be ex-fiancé. Stephen swallowed hard. There wasn’t any doubt that Ben could snap him in two if he truly felt like it. It was amazing he hadn’t done anything to him yet.

  “Don’t punch him,” Jewel hurried to her brother’s side. “Not in a church, Ben.”

  “Oh, so I can punch him in the parking lot then?”

  Their parents were trying to break up the possible fight. Greg stood on the outskirts, unsure of what to do. Jewel saw him and glanced at her brother before straightening her posture.

  “I hid the wedding because I know it’s stupid. I was lonely and let you in. But look at what I’ve been doing since you came back. I didn’t tell Greg about Nicki in the hospital because I was too busy caring about myself and you and sneaking around— that isn’t me! You bring out this terrible side of me that I don’t want to be a part of anymore. I used to think I was alone without you but I’m more alone with you.” She looked over at Greg and smiled a little. “It took people who really love me to show me that.”

  Stephen glowered. “Great, lovely little after school special speech, Jewel. I thought you had grown up and were mature. But you’re just as silly and stupid as you were when we first met.”

  Ben rested his large hand on Stephen’s shoulder. “You should keep speaking.”

  Something in his icy tone made Stephen fall silent. Jewel chewed on her bottom lip but hadn’t budged. With a noise of disgust, he turned around and stormed past Greg and out of the church.

  He could practically hear the collective sigh of relief. The wedding had been called off. At the last moment, Jewel finally woke up and saw that she deserved better. How Stephen had spoken to her there wasn’t new. Greg was aware he spoke like that to Jewel whenever he thought she got out of line. He thrived on controlling her—but hopefully now, she could begin the process of healing.

  Je
wel, wrapped in the arms of her parents, disentangled herself and hurried over to Greg. She brought him into a hug. Her cheeks were wet with tears.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “Yes. I’m just—lots of emotions, I guess,” she said, as she furiously wiped her eyes, smearing her makeup. “I’m sad but I know you were right. About Stephen. And I’m scared about being alone and feel shitty for how I treated everyone.” She hiccupped in an attempt to hold back tears.

  “We’ll take it day by day, alright?” he replied, giving her hand a squeeze. “We’ll move into my mom’s house. That way you’ll be next door to your parents. That’ll help too.”

  Jewel looked surprised at this but nodded. There would be time to explain and work out the details later. Now, her parents were too impatient to hold back any longer. They crowded around Jewel, making sure that she was alright. Greg took a step back and looked around the church.

  The front door of the church closed at that moment and he knew Ben had left. His heart felt heavy from the dull blow of rejection. But this was Jewel’s moment and he wasn’t going to let it hit him until he was alone.

  Forcing a smile on his face, he turned back to look at Jewel, telling himself that it was better this way.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “I hate moving,” Jewel remarked, as she heaved a box into the living room and put it on the coffee table.

  “We hardly are moving anything. We sold most of the stuff,” Greg replied.

  She shrugged. “Yeah but still. I’ve had to actually lift things today. I’m not one for physical labor.” She paused for a moment. “Is it weird for you to move in here?”

  Greg leaned against the wall. He had been expecting to move back here once Mark suggested it, thinking that Jewel would just run off with Stephen somewhere. When she didn’t, it made sense to save money and move in here together. He knew that being close to her parents would help and Ben would be secretly relieved not to have to walk the dog anymore.

  At the thought of Ben, his heart skipped a beat. It had been two weeks since the failed conversation at the church and the only time he had seen Ben since was in passing. Greg happened to be over at his parents’ house at the same time as Ben, who steadfastly ignored him. It was the answer he had been looking for and, since then, he had been trying to accept that they weren’t going to be together.

  “Yeah. It is. But I didn’t want to sell the place either. It’d be stranger if you weren’t here. I’m glad that you are,” he replied and he meant it.

  Jewel smiled a little. “Well, thanks for sticking by me as I lost my head. I feel so stupid. All those years I wasted with that asshole. The worst part is I miss him sometimes. A lot.” She shook her head. “Dumb.”

  “You’re not stupid and you’re being way too hard on yourself. You need to realize it is going to take a lot of time to really get over him. But you have support.”

  “I almost didn’t. After how I treated everyone.”

  “But we’re all here for you. Like always. I was here during that denim phase you went through and I’m here now.”

  She cringed. “Please don’t remind me of my denim phase.”

  He laughed although it was cut short by the sound of the doorbell. Jewel groaned, rummaging through the box she had brought in.

  “If it’s Stephen, tell him to get fucked, okay?” she called after him as he went to the front door.

  “If it’s Stephen, I’ll punch him myself,” he grumbled—although secretly he didn’t think it would be him; he had no interest in Jewel if she wasn’t going to live under his thumb.

  He opened the door and blinked in surprise. Ben stood there, looking too amazing to process, in a simple white t-shirt and jeans, startling Greg. Quickly, he mentally reminded himself that Ben must be here to see Jewel.

  “Hey,” he said, hoping his casual tone didn’t sound forced.

  He hated how Ben’s hair looked messy from the wind, and the fact that the t-shirt showed off how perfectly in shape he was. He hated how his heart was thudding in his chest at the sight of him.

  “Hey,” Ben replied, not looking at him, shoving his hands in his pockets.

  “Looking for Jewel? Let me get her.” Greg turned to leave.

  “No. Looking for you, actually.”

  “Me?”

  “Can we talk? Away from Jewel.”

  “Uh, yeah. Sure,” Greg replied, surprised.

  He stepped outside, closing the door behind him. Ben turned around, cutting across the front lawn. His shoulders were hunched and he didn’t look behind him, trusting that Greg would follow. Deadly curious now, Greg tried to ignore the pounding in his chest and went after Ben.

  Ben had gone to the backyard. Five years ago, his mom had put a bench on the lawn in hopes that she would end up having an entire garden and entertaining area there for guests and friends. But, in typical fashion for his mother, she had lost interest shortly after putting the bench in near a flower bed. The flowers died ages ago, leaving a patch of dirt, and the bench with its fading paint.

  Greg sat next to Ben, smelling the fading cologne on him. He wondered if Jewel was spying from the windows, but didn’t want to check in case it freaked Ben out and he left. He forced himself to look at Ben, admiring how handsome he looked and fighting the urge to start blathering on like a fool.

  “What did you want to talk about?” he asked instead.

  “I fucked up. At the church. You opened up to me and I just shut down and then I ran off. And stayed hidden,” Ben said, flattening his hands against his knees nervously.

  “I shouldn’t have talked to you about it then. I just—I had told Jewel about us—”

  “Jewel knows that we slept together?” he interrupted, looking alarmed.

  “I thought—I thought it might convince her to dump Stephen. If she saw me being honest. I don’t know. It worked but I didn’t…”

  “I don’t care.” He waved his hand and exhaled slowly. “She just—my parents either. They don’t know. That I’m gay.”

  “Is that what the problem is?”

  “No,” Ben said, firmly. “No, I just never told them because my personal life isn’t anyone’s business. Jewel tends to meddle and my parents would ask a bunch of questions I didn’t want to deal with. There have been others but no one I felt serious enough to take home. I’m used to keeping things close to my chest. I’m not good at letting people in. Even… even now. This conversation is going to give me a fucking panic attack.” He ran his fingers through his hair and bounced his knee up and down. “Most of my relationships ended before they really started because I just… I’m not good with people.”

  “You’ve been good to me,” Greg whispered.

  Ben looked at him then, truly looked at him, instead of through a fog of anxiety, and his shoulders relaxed slightly. He exhaled before looking back down at his hands.

  “It’s weird, isn’t it? How we were around each other and I just never even thought of you in that way. Jewel would talk about you all the time, talk about your boyfriends, and I never gave you a second thought.”

  “Thanks,” he replied, dryly.

  But Ben kept going, “When I saw you with that idiot, Warren…”

  “Wayne,” Greg interrupted.

  “Whatever. I saw you in the coffee shop with him and I just felt. I don’t know. I felt annoyed. At Wayne. At you. It was strange. Normally, I never get jealous. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way about anyone. Relationships—they come and go. Better not to get too attached.” His voice was tinged with sadness but he shook his head, and when he spoke again, he sounded normal. “Falling for you is terrifying.”

  “Why is that?” Greg asked, his throat tight.

  He looked up to stare at him. Greg couldn’t remember seeing someone so handsome before. The face of someone he had opened up to during the entire mess that had unfolded since moving back home.

  “Because I love you,” he said, simply.

  Greg could feel the ground
shift underneath his feet and he wished that he had something to hold onto. He studied Ben’s face, waiting for him to laugh and say he was joking. But he looked serious—and nervous that he had said too much. When Greg didn’t reply right away, because he felt stunned, Ben stood up quickly.

  “That’s all I had to say. I’ll go now.”

  “Whoa, wait. You can’t just leave!” Greg exclaimed, getting to his feet and grabbing onto Ben’s hand. “Not after what you just said.”

  “I shouldn’t—I just thought it was better to let it out. That’s all. You don’t have to answer. I get it. I don’t know what I’m doing with this. I should have waited.”

  The tension rolled off Ben. Normally so confident, this was the side of him he didn’t want to show people—the nervous and vulnerable side that he kept hidden. But he had showed it to Greg.

  “I love you too,” he replied, and Ben froze. “I wanted to tell you at the church. But I was afraid of scaring you off. I thought I still did, after what I said.” He looked into his eyes, hoping that Ben wouldn’t run off this time. “But you ran off anyway so… I love you. It took me too long to realize it. And then I was too afraid to accept it. But I love you, Ben.”

  Ben didn’t say anything right away. He looked at him steadily, his expression unreadable. Then he grabbed the sides of Greg’s face and crushed him in a kiss. Greg opened his mouth, wrapping his arms around his waist. Pressed against him, they both ignored the muffled sound of exclamation from Jewel, who had clearly been spying from the dining room window.

  The kiss made every nerve in Greg’s body awaken. He never wanted Ben to go. In that moment, the fear he felt at leaping into a relationship with him faded. Ben would be guarded, would be hard to get through—was Greg ready for that? It could lead to heartbreak. But even with the worry of heartbreak nipping at his heels, there wasn’t any doubt of how much he wanted him.

  The kiss ended. Ben grazed his cheek with his thumb. “So?”

  “So… what?” he replied, slightly dazed.

  “I want to be yours. If you’ll have me.”

  In response, Greg kissed him again.