Fine Line (Crossing Lines Book 1)

by A. D. Justice

  The click of my pain pump administering the next dose means I’ll be out again in about fifteen seconds or so. The pain in my body and the pain in my soul will disappear into the black abyss, where even dreams can’t reach me. My thoughts revert back to Nick just before I slip into a deep sleep, squeezing my heart with a pain that’s every bit as real as any other part of me. I wish he were here with me.

  When I wake next, I’m being moved into my bed in the intensive care unit. While I shouldn’t be surprised since I’m a gunshot wound survivor, I’m still alarmed by the level of care and attention Dr. Jeff obviously thinks I need. Glancing around the room, I see more nurses I know very well since the ER and ICU share nurses in dire situations. Then I see those whiskey-colored amber eyes locked on me. He’s with Karen and one of the nurses appears to be briefing them on my condition, but his attention is homed in on me.

  “Excuse me.” I read his lips as he steps around the nurse and makes a beeline for me. He’s immediately beside me, his long legs making quick work of the distance. He grips the side rails of the bed so hard, I wonder if he’ll leave imprints. “Hi, darlin’. How do you feel? Do you need anything?”

  I shake my head from side to side, thinking about how sad he seems. The pain radiating from his eyes is palpable. He blames himself for Butch’s actions. Opening my hand, I signal for him to take it in his. First, I look down at our entwined fingers, thinking about how much I love him, before meeting his penetrating gaze again. My throat is still raw from being intubated, but I manage to speak to him in a whisper. “This isn’t your fault, Nick. None of it. I don’t blame you, so you can’t blame yourself either.”

  A pained smile makes a brief showing before retreating behind his mask of steel. “Savannah, I wish he’d shot me. I thought he was gunning for me—I completely read him wrong, and look what my fuckup caused. This is my job, it’s what I’m trained to do, and I failed. I failed you. That is all on me.”

  I shake my head again. “Then this is my fault for ever getting involved with him in the first place.”

  “No, babe, you are the victim here. You’re the survivor. But you’re not responsible for him.”

  This time, I nod. “Neither are you, Nick.”

  He stammers for a few seconds, wanting to argue with me but knowing he’d only be arguing with his own point if he does. Then he smiles—really smiles—at me, and my heart does flips in my chest. The heart monitor picks up on the effect he has on me, making his eyes jerk to the screen. When he looks back down at me, he squeezes my hand and leans over the rail to kiss my cheek. “They won’t let me stay long because you need your rest. But I wanted you to know I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

  “Go home, Nick. You won’t be able to see me for several more hours. There’s no need for you to live in the hospital.”

  “She’s right.” Karen speaks up from the foot of my bed. “Listen to the ER nurse, she knows what she’s talking about. The fact that she’s talking at all tells me she’ll be okay.”

  My only response is a small smile. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. But I don’t say that out loud.

  “Hey, get that thought out of your head right now,” Nick’s soothing voice chastises me. “You’re alive and soon will be well. That’s all that matters to me.”

  Emotion nearly chokes me, squeezing my throat and threatening to overcome me. Tears well up in my eyes without warning and without mercy.

  “You know, don’t you, sweetie?” Karen asks.

  I nod, my chin and bottom lip quivering too much to risk trying to speak.

  “I’m so sorry this happened to you, Savannah. We talked to Dr. Jeff before your surgery and afterward. There was no other way he could save your life. Believe me, Nick and I would both much rather have you just as you are than risk losing you completely.

  “All this tragedy is too much to deal with right now, but when you’ve healed, you’ll see things more clearly. Listen to me, babbling on, trying to console you and really sucking at it. I’ll be my usual blunt self now, so listen up. Even though it feels like it right now, I promise you this isn’t the end of the world. This isn’t the end of your life. So, wallow in your grief for now, get it all out while you’re in here. When you’re discharged, Savannah’s new outlook on life starts immediately. Got it?”

  I love my best friend.

  “Got it. Now, get out. My drugs are kicking in.”

  “That’s my girl. Love you, doll. I’ll be back to check on you later today.”

  Nick leans over, places a lingering kiss on my forehead, and cups my cheek. “I love you, darlin’. Nothing will ever change how I feel about you. Just remember that. I’ll be back this evening during visitor hours.”

  Time passes but means nothing in here. I don’t know if it’s daylight or dark out, but the pain management drugs are working wonders, so that’s all that matters. Well, that, and I’ve come to a decision during my more lucid moments. It’s not a huge revelation or anything, just a facet I hadn’t considered until I had so much time on my hands.

  I’m letting Nick go.

  I believe him when he says my inability to have children won’t affect his love for me. He’s too good of a man to let that sway his feelings. But he will blame himself for Butch shooting me for the rest of our lives. Every time he looks at me, he’ll see what he deems as his failure to protect me. When Karen’s belly starts protruding, he’ll be consumed with guilt over not being able to give me the same. Guilt, because he thinks he neglected to do his job, even though reading Butch’s mind was never in his job description.

  I’ve argued all the points in my mind, wavering between breaking up and breaking down, but the dilemma always ends with the same solution. Now to tell him I don’t want to see him anymore, so he doesn’t spend another moment of his life waiting for me. This is not a conversation I’m looking forward to having, and I’m sure he’ll blame the medications as he refuses to accept my decision. Eventually, he’ll understand this is what’s best for both of us.

  Maybe, eventually, I’ll convince myself of that too.

  When he shows up for the evening visitation, I know with one glance he’s had no rest. He looks worse than I do…or at least than I think I look. Having no mirror in this room is both a curse and a blessing.

  He picks up my hand and kisses the back of it before holding it to his cheek and closing his eyes, reveling in our connection. The stubble of his beard prickles my skin, reminding me of the intimate times we’ve shared. My fingers develop a mind of their own, turning to stroke his skin and lightly scratch his beard. My heart is already breaking inside my chest, just thinking about telling him goodbye.

  “Nick.” My voice cracks on his name, and his eyes fly open. “Sit down. There’s something I need to say.”

  “No. No fucking way. You’re not doing this to me, Savannah. I love you, and you’re not pushing me away from you now. I’m not the type of man who tucks tail and runs at the first sign of trouble. This is important to you, and I respect that, but it’s only a bump in the road to me. Nothing we can’t work out and move past. I’m not running or walking away from you. Ever.”

  “Nick, I need you to listen. It’s hard for me to talk.”

  “Good. Then shut your mouth and let me just be here with you. I’ll do all the talking, and you can just rest your jaws. I’ve already told you, whether or not you can have a baby doesn’t matter to me. You matter to me, and no one else will ever take your place in my heart. Now, if you want me to live the rest of my life alone, without anyone to love because you took my heart with you when you left me, that’s up to you.”

  “You know, my mother tried to guilt-trip me my entire life. Really doesn’t work on me now that I’m grown. Please listen to me.”

  “Go ahead and say it. My answer won’t change, but I’ll listen to you anyway.”

  “I need you to leave and never come back, Nick. I love everything about you. You’re truly the best man I know. Because of that, you shouldn
’t have to spend the rest of your life feeling guilty for something that wasn’t your fault. Every time you look at me, or see a baby, or anything related to children, that’s exactly where your mind will go. Then I’ll see that disturbed expression and know it’s because of me. We’ll never fully be happy together with this between us. I love you too much not to want to see you happy. This is how we’re both hardwired, so there’s no blame.”

  He stares hard at me, his brain working overtime to process everything I’ve said and play it out in his mind. “Darlin’, please don’t do this. I love you.”

  He can’t deny the truth of the matter. Every ounce of pain, regret, and acknowledgment shows in his features. The despondent look in his eyes. The gloomy expression on his face. The downward turn of his mouth.

  “I know you do… I love you too. And it’s because of that love that I have no choice but to do this. You have to go, Nick, and don’t come back. Move on with your life knowing that I want you to be happy and I want the very best for you. More than anything, that’s my hope for you.” My heart disintegrates inside me when I untangle my hand from his.

  He straightens his spine and pulls the mask back over his face. “Savannah Fields, I refuse to let you push me away or cut me out of your life because you have some crazy idea that I could ever be happy without you. You are my happiness. Without you, there’s no reason for me to even try. I’m going to go now because you need to rest and recuperate, but I’m leaving you with these words to mull over.”

  I raise my eyebrows in question, unable to formulate and verbalize the question in my mind to ask what he means.

  “There’s nothing we can’t get through together. You’ve been my rock since day one, before I even realized it. You saved me when I wasn’t able to save myself. Now, let me be your rock. When you feel like everything is at its worst, think about how much I love you. That’s one thing you’ll never question or doubt.”

  My words…used against me in the worst way possible—because I believe he means it. I watch him walk away, shoulders hunched and sadness permeating every part of his being. Knowing I caused him more pain than anyone else ever has kills me. Where is that pain medicine when I need it because I’m sure this broken heart will kill me before anything else can.

  Over a week later, I’ve been moved out of the ICU and into the step-down unit. While my care isn’t as critical, they still keep a very close watch on me. The change in my demeanor has been a sore subject lately. True to his word, Nick has stayed away, but only because that’s what I asked him to do. He’d never force himself on me, though I know he still asks about me multiple times a day because Karen’s phone pings constantly while she’s here.

  Karen knows I’m miserable without him, but she’s giving me time to figure that out on my own. The problem is I don’t need time to know how much I miss him. That’s not the problem. I’ve never questioned my feelings for him. Only our ability to slay the monster in our closet.

  “You look better now that you’re able to sit up a little more.” Karen washes my hair in the plastic bin made specifically for bedridden patients. A real shower would feel like pure heaven right now.

  “I really can’t tell you how badly being unable to take care of myself sucks.”

  “Well, I must admit, you’re making a much better patient than I would. You’ve already been in the hospital ten days without losing your mind.”

  “It’s only been ten days? I was sure it was more like thirty.”

  She chuckles. “I’m sure it feels like it. But Dr. Jeff said you’re healing faster than he thought you would. A couple more weeks in here and you’ll probably be ready to go home.”

  A couple more weeks without Nick. Then a few more. Maybe in a few years, I’ll stop counting the days since I last saw him.

  Karen called my mom and sister to tell them what happened to me the first night during my surgery. The two of them were here every day during the first week—before I sent them home because there’s not much they can do to help while I’m still in the hospital. Every time they knocked on my door, it made me hope it was Nick coming to see me, to convince me I was wrong, and he can be happy with me. Karen hears my gasp with the current knocking, but her only response is to arch an eyebrow at me.

  “Come in,” I call out.

  When Miranda steps into my hospital room, I’m shocked beyond words. She never leaves the crisis center for her own safety. Even after Butch terrorized every woman and child in the place, I was told Miranda still refused to step outside the doors.

  “Miranda, I’m surprised to see you. But I’m so glad you’re here.” I introduce Karen and Miranda, briefly explaining how I know each woman.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you sooner. Believe me, it’s not because I didn’t want to check on you. After everything that happened, I was even more afraid to leave my room than usual. Then I realized, you’re the only friend I have. There’s no excuse for me to let you down after all you’ve done for me. I also brought your cell phone. It’s been going off several times a day, and it was selfish of me not to bring it to you. Other people care about you, and I’m sure they’re looking for answers.”

  Karen finishes washing my hair, so I tell Miranda to have a seat while she dries and styles it in a messy bun. Miranda hands my phone to me, and I scroll through the messages while Karen performs her magic.

  Every single message is from Nick.

  I love you.

  I miss you.

  You’re wrong, you know. Every time I look at you, all I see is happiness for the rest of my life.

  You’re so beautiful—even when you drool in your sleep.

  Darlin’, you are my life. Don’t you see that?

  Longer texts tell me about his days at work and his nights sitting out in the hallway, guarding my door. Butch is still at large despite a city-wide manhunt, but Nick assures me he will get his man. He tells me not to worry because he has everything under control. The messages are a daily journal of his life since I’ve been stuck in this hospital room, keeping me updated on everything he’s doing as if we’re still speaking. As if everything is completely normal.

  Those butterflies take up in my chest again, making my heart flutter like crazy. When I glance up at Karen, I see a knowing smirk on her face.

  Chapter 20

  Nick

  Savannah just read all my texts from the last ten days. I know because the read receipt finally showed up on my phone. The three little dots dancing on my text message screen give me hope she’s realized this whole breaking up with me bullshit won’t work. I’m not going anywhere. If she didn’t love me anymore, that would be different. I’d leave her alone to live her life. But she does love me, and we both know it. She’s throwing away the best thing either of us has ever known, all for a complete misconception she’s convinced herself is reality.

  I won’t let her toss me aside that easily. I won’t let her toss us aside that easily. We’ve proved time and again we’re perfect for each other. She’ll have to work a little harder at convincing me she doesn’t want to be in my life anymore. Karen told me Savannah didn’t have her phone with her but encouraged me to keep sending my daily messages anyway, keeping her informed of every mundane detail of my day, reminding her of our deep connection that time apart can’t diminish. The impact of reading one after the other all at once would be immense. I hope she’s right, because I’m legit dying without talking to her every day.

  It’s so good to read about your days. The highlight of mine was a shampoo and hairstyle by Karen.

  I stare at the message far too long, trying to read between the lines instead of just talking to her while she’s in a talkative mood.

  Me: I volunteer as tribute to give you a sponge bath. You don’t even have to get out of bed.

  Savannah: Very kind of you to offer. Can you guarantee hot water and silky-smooth skin? Because you’ll have to shave my legs to make good on that promise.

  Me: Darlin’, for you, I’ll promise sil
ky-smooth everything.

  Savannah: You’re not in here yet.

  She doesn’t have to tell me twice. I’m running down the hospital corridor before I’ve even finished reading the message. When I burst through the door, Karen is putting away her hairbrushes and shampoo, Miranda is kicked back in the visitor’s chair, and Savannah is in her bed with a beautiful smile on her face.

  “Miranda, let’s go grab some coffee and give them some privacy.” Karen winks at me as she and Miranda leave the room.

  “Karen told me you’ve been here every morning, every lunch break, and every night. Nick, you know that’s not healthy. You have to go home and rest.” Savannah looks every bit as beautiful as she did the first day I met her.

  “You don’t have to worry about me. I get enough rest. I come here every day in case you need me. Or in case you decide you want me again.”

  “Nick.” She breathes my name. “I’ve never not wanted you.”

  “Then what are you doing, Savannah? We’re meant to be together. No matter what, we’ll work through any issues together. We’re stronger together than we could ever be apart. And being apart is killing me.”

  “And the other thing? The whole never forgiving yourself for what you can’t control?”

  “I’ve given that a lot of thought over the last ten days. Honestly, I can see why you’d think I’d react that way. Everything you’ve known about me has been duty, honor, and keeping my word. And that’s exactly why you should believe me when I say, I could never look at you and feel hurt, disappointed, or as if anything is lacking in my life. Would kids be nice? Sure. But winning the lottery and buying that private island just for the two of us would too. As long as we’re together, I don’t need anything or anyone else to make me happy. Do I want to give you the world? You bet your fine ass, I do. But I want to give you all my love first and foremost. Without your love, nothing else matters.”