by Willow Rose
Mick caressed my cheek. “I forget how sensitive you are. And how young. I have done this for so long that it barely touches me anymore. It is hard on everyone in the beginning. It was for me too. You know what used to help me? Knowing we are doing something great when we go and get the spirits. We help those lost souls find their way. And it is a great life that is waiting for them here and also after the school. Don’t worry so much about death. It is only the beginning. ”
We started floating again. I hated keeping things from Mick, but right now I was glad he found his own explanation for my bad mood. I needed time to think, like never before. “I know it is. It is just brutal to see them die, that is all.” I said as we reached the entrance to my dormitory.
“You are still very earthly in your thinking. It will get better.”
Mick leaned over and kissed me gently. I closed my eyes. When he was done he stared deeply into my eyes. “Only three more days, then you are finally mine.”
I felt lousy inside when I left him. What kind of a person was I? Here I had the nicest guy who wanted me so badly and on top of it all had been hurt in a situation just like this once before. And all I could do was to think about someone else.
That night I dreamed about Jason. A real passionate dream. I woke up feeling an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I opened my eyes slightly and in the dark I thought I saw Mick’s sparkling eyes at the foot of my bed. They were staring at me like a cat caught in the headlights from a car. Thinking it could be nothing but a dream, I closed my eyes again and fell into a heavy sleep.
Chapter 9
I woke up with a strange feeling. A thought had entered my head all of a sudden and it wouldn’t leave me alone. I hurried down to Hornam Hall and flew into the kitchen where I found Mick. He was getting ready to prepare breakfast for the entire Academy. But that had to wait.
“This is a nice surprise,” he said when he saw me. “Missed me so much you had to come see me before breakfast?”
“You might say that.” I approached him and sat at the kitchen table. Mick was drinking hot coffee.
“You want some?” he asked but then paused. “Wait.” He closed his eyes and seemed pensive for a moment. Then he opened them again. “Hot chocolate. You are in the mood for hot chocolate, aren’t you?”
I really was. Whenever I felt a little down or moody I would always get a cup of hot chocolate. My dad would make it for me, I remembered at this moment. Mick always knew just what I needed. I watched him as he rubbed his hands and started pouring steaming brown chocolate into a cup. I smiled. Not because of the drink, but because of the memory of my dad that had entered my mind. I loved when I remembered something new about my past and especially my parents.
Mick finished pouring and gave me the cup. It was perfect. Just the way I liked it with a little whipped cream on top. I looked at it and really wanted to taste it right away, but I hesitated. I took the cup and placed it on the table.
“Not good enough? I never miss.” Mick said with astonishment.
I forced a smile. “It is perfect,” I said.
“Then what is wrong?”
I sighed and looked down. I didn’t feel good about this, but I had to know. “It’s been bothering me ever since I woke up,” I said.
“What has?”
“This feeling. This … this thought.”
Mick looked confused.
“What thought? What feeling?” I could tell by the look of his face that he was about to panic. All the thoughts in his head had to be about me calling off the wedding.
“I saw something yesterday. In the chamber. I saw someone die in the book of meant-to-be.”
“I know that. You saw that woman die. We talked about that, remember?” He smiled a little insecurely. He still didn’t know what was going on.
“Yes. But I saw something else in that book. I saw someone else die.”
Mick froze. His whole body stopped moving and that was when I got my answer. The answer to the question that had lingered in my head all morning.
“You know who I am talking about, don’t you?” I asked. “You know perfectly well. That was why you didn’t want me to go in the chamber alone. You insisted on doing this for me. And you ended up standing outside the chamber fearing that I would see it too. Because you saw it a long time ago. When you went to get that woman and bring her here. Am I right?”
Mick was still motionless. He stared at me with big eyes and hardly blinked.
“You knew Jason was going to die soon, and you panicked,” I felt my voice getting thicker. I hated the fact that I was right. “That is why you were in such a hurry with the wedding. Tell me Mick, honestly. Was that the reason why?”
He didn’t say a word. He kept biting his lip as if he was trying to figure out what to say to me. How to avoid a catastrophic outcome to this.
“I …” he finally said. “I don’t …. I didn’t mean to …”
Now I couldn’t hold my tears back from rolling down my cheeks. “You didn’t mean to do what, Mick? Hurt me? Pressure me? Make me feel lousy because I wouldn’t set a date right away?”
“No. I never meant to hurt you. I love you. You know that. I just didn’t want to lose you.” He sighed deeply. “I was certain that if you knew about Jason coming here soon then you would call off the wedding. I couldn’t risk that. I didn’t want to lose you again.”
“Keeping this from me certainly didn’t help! So when was it your plan that I was supposed to know? When he got here? Do you really think that no one would tell me?”
“So you already knew?”
“Yeah. Mai told me yesterday that someone was assigned to help Jason get here.”
Mick nodded slowly. “Then why didn’t you tell me that yesterday?”
“I was afraid that you would get jealous.”
“Well, you were right.”
I hid my face in my hands. My emotions were all mixed up. I had no idea what to think or what to do anymore.
“And when were you going to tell me about Nadja?” I asked.
Mick’s eyes went blank for a second. “I never want to hear that name,” he almost hissed. “Why should I talk about her? Why is that important to you?”
I sighed. There was just so much he didn’t get. I couldn’t figure out if it was because he was from another century where the relationships between men and women were completely different or it was because he hadn’t had that many relationships with girls and the last one was fifty years ago. Maybe he just didn’t know that people are supposed to talk about stuff like that with the ones they love. “Well, yes. It is important for a couple to know this about each other. It makes them closer to one another. Knowing your story makes me love you even more.”
A small sparkle of hope was lit in his eyes. “You … you still love me?”
“Of course I do.” I said a little harsher than expected. It was just so annoying that he would always think that I didn’t love him anymore. I did and I always would. No matter what happened. He knew that perfectly well.
“So … what do we do now?” asked Mick.
I sighed deeply again and avoided his eyes. I couldn’t bear looking at him any longer. I felt like the walls of the kitchen were closing in on me. Like I would suffocate if I didn’t leave this room. “I don’t know. I am a mess right now and I really need to think.” My eyes met his and I saw tears piling up. “I think I need to go outside, get out of the castle for awhile,” I said and started moving away from him. I was breathing heavily and felt nauseated.
He grabbed my arm and it made me stop. His voice was thick when he spoke. “I’ll … I’ll go with you.” He was fighting to hold back his tears. He seemed desperate, like if he let me go out through that door alone, I would never come back.
I put up my hand to stop him. “Alone, Mick. I need to be alone.”
There was just too much on my mind right now. Too many people’s future depended on me. Mick, Jason, and my own destiny, all depended on the choice I was about to make.
Tears like rain washed down my cheeks as I flew toward the stables. How could I make such a horrible choice? How could I marry Mick when I knew Jason was going to be here in four weeks and that he was expecting to see me? That he had missed me? And what if I chose to call off the wedding? What would happen to Mick? What would that do to him? Knowing his story, how could I ever be that heartless?
The Pegasuses were outside in the paddock. I spotted Yofi eating leaves from the top of a tall tree. He was so beautiful with his wings spread out in the air. I had always felt a special connection to him, and now it was like he sensed my presence and that I needed a friend. He flew toward me and landed on the grass on the other side of the fence. Then he stuck his huge head down to me and pushed me gently with his soft pink muzzle. He kept doing it until I laughed.
“He is trying to cheer you up,” a soft, almost singing voice said behind me. I was immediately filled with great peace and I felt so incredibly loved. I turned and saw Rahmiel standing right behind me. She glowed and lit up the whole forest. “It is nice to have a good friend like Yofi in difficult times, don’t you think?” she asked.
I nodded and looked at the big Pegasus in front of me. It was nice to be with a creature less complicated. He never demanded anything from me and he never lied or kept secrets from me. He never got jealous and he never pressured me to do anything.
“I see what you mean,” Rahmiel said, like she had read my mind. Sometimes I had a feeling that she did read my thoughts. “Humans have a tendency to make life quite complicated for themselves, don’t they? Even here in the Spiritual Realm the human spirits often make it much harder on themselves than what is necessary.”
I nodded. I knew what she was talking about. How had it all become this complicated?
“So what do you suggest that I do?” I asked.
Rahmiel put a hand on my shoulder. It was so big it covered most of my arm as well. Then she embraced me with warmth and great love. It felt nice. I felt the tears piling up again and I couldn’t hold them back. Rahmiel lifted me up on her arm and held me tight while I let it all out. I didn’t have to say anything or explain myself to her; it was like she already knew. Like she knew my innermost thoughts and worries. She didn’t even try to stop me from crying either. She just waited patiently for me to let it all out.
When I felt like I had no more tears left inside of me, I finally stopped crying.
“Did it help? Are you feeling a little better?” she asked as she put me on the ground in front of Yofi. He tilted his head like he wanted to make sure I was all right.
I touched him gently on the muzzle and he seemed to enjoy it. I nodded and laughed a little at my own outburst. “I am sorry … It’s just…” I paused. I didn’t know what to say.
“Don’t be sorry, Meghan. We all need to cry a little sometimes,” Rahmiel said.
I looked up at her and found her beautiful blue eyes in the center of her shinning face. “I just … I really don’t know what to do.”
“So I have heard,” she said. “But you must remember that it is your choice to make. No one else can make it for you. Not even me.”
I felt the confusion rise inside of me again. “How can I make a choice like that?”
She smiled. “You have already made it.” She reached down and put her hand on my chest. “It is already in there, Meghan.”
A few more tears rolled down my cheeks. The moment she said it, I knew she was right. I had made the decision a long time ago.
“The reason why you are crying is not that you don’t know what to do. You know your heart’s decision. You are crying because of the consequences that you know will follow your decision. You are crying because you are afraid. Because you are about to move out into something insecure, and you do not know if it will work out or not. But you need to trust your heart, Meghan. It always knows what to do. Even when it doesn’t feel right.”
I swallowed hard. The truth was hard to bear, but she was so right. I did know exactly what I should do—I just didn’t want to do it.
Chapter 10
It must have been the longest minutes of my life when I flew back to Mick. People were eating in the Hall and Abhik lifted his head and said something to me as I passed him. I didn’t listen, but flew straight for the kitchen.
I felt so heavy in my heart as I came through the big door to the kitchen and floated toward Mick. He immediately turned to look at me, and I saw the anxiety in his eyes. He put the coffee cup on the table next to him. I didn’t want to look at him when I told him, but I had to. I owed him that much. I saw in his eyes that he sensed what was about to happen. He shook his head.
“No, no, no …”
“Mick, at least let me speak,” I interrupted him. I felt a need to explain myself to him. His eyes were moist and filled with the look of utmost terror. This situation was what he had feared most since he met me. I knew that. He had always been afraid of losing me. Almost too afraid.
“So that is it?” he said and paused. It was like a shockwave of fear went through his body and caused it to tremble.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t contradict him. A panic spread all over his beautiful face. It cast a dark shadow in his bright eyes. They became almost black, and cold as ice. “Just like that?”
I swallowed hard and tried to keep calm. It was tough seeing the fear rise in him, the sorrow, the hurt, it was unbearable. “Mick … I … I have to do this.”
He approached me with his arms stretched out in front of him. Like he was trying to grab on to the last straw of hope that he might be able to persuade me to change my mind. “No, you don’t. We never have to do anything. You make the choice.” He pointed his finger at me and spoke through clenched teeth. “You made this choice.”
“I have to because I don’t know what will happen to me—to us—if I don’t. I really want to be with you, Mick, but I don’t know how I am going to react when Jason comes here. I need to wait and see how I feel when I see him.”
Mick didn’t speak. He stood still in front of me while breathing heavily, trying to restrain the anger rising inside of him.
“You knew …” he had a hard time talking while restraining himself. “You know I have been through this before, and still you do it to me? How …?” he floated toward me with his fist clenched. “How can you do this? How can you be so … heartless?”
I started crying. “I don’t know Mick. I just have to. I need this. I need time to think about my life and what I want. I am doing this for your sake as well.”
“How …? How can this ever be for my sake?” Mick hit his fist into the wall next to him.
I hated seeing him like this. The boy I adored reduced to a hurt and angry fraction of the person he normally was. “Trust me Mick. It is. I can’t marry you if I am not sure of my feelings. I can’t do that to you. You don’t want to be married to someone like that.”
“What do you know about what I want?”
“I can’t do that to you, Mick. I can’t do that to myself. I need to have this answered.”
“Why is it always like that with you? Why can’t you ever leave things unanswered? There will always be things in your life you will never have an answer to. There are always going to be things in our lives that we don’t have an answer to. Trust always requires having some unanswered questions.”
“I can’t marry you if I am not certain that seeing Jason won’t ruin everything.” I said trying desperately to make him understand. I don’t know what I had expected, but I really wanted him to understand why I was doing this. But of course he didn’t.
“So you are calling off the wedding?”
“For now. I am so sorry.”
“Just like that?
“I have to think, I have to face him before I know if I can go through with this. I am so sorry; you have to believe me.”
Mick picked up his coffee cup and threw it at the wall. It shattered into thousands of small pieces that landed on the black and white kitchen floor. When he look
ed back at me his eyes were on fire. A yellow flame sparkled in the middle of the black. I backed up when he started floating toward me.
“I am not letting you do this,” he said. “You can’t do it!”
“I’m sorry. You have every right to be angry. But you can’t force me to marry you. Don’t force me to choose between the two of you, Mick. It will always be him.” I had said that once before to him and once again I saw how much it hurt him. I might as well have punched him in the stomach and left him to bleed to death.
“You can’t do this to me. I won’t let you.” He said and grabbed my arm. He held on to it tightly like he thought he could keep me here just by holding on to me. I pulled my arm free and looked into his eyes. Then I caressed his cheek. His skin felt so soft, almost like silk.
“I am sorry … I have to. I just do.” Tears welled up in my eyes, but I felt calmer than ever. This was the right decision for me.
“But why?” His voice was trembling as he pulled away from me.
“Right now I need time to think and most of all I need space. Lately you have been with me all the time day and even sometimes at night.”
Mick stared at me as if I had caught him in another lie.
“Yes I do notice that you are there at night. You are staring at me while I sleep.” I looked at him to see his reaction. By the expression on his face I could tell I was right. It wasn’t a dream. “Why do you do that?” I asked.
He sighed deeply in desperation and shook his head. “Don’t you understand that all I want to do is protect you?”
“From what, Mick?”
He turned his back on me and flew toward the window. He stared outside while leaning on the wall. His head was bowed as he spoke with a low voice. “From all the dangers that are threatening to take you away from me.”
Salty tears touched my lips. “You are smothering me, I am suffocating, and I can’t breathe. Can’t you see that?”
Mick turned and flew toward me again. Tears had started running fast down his cheeks. “You know I can’t live without you.”