Aidan

by Sydney Landon

  With first my profane outburst and now his, we’re attracting attention in the dingy diner. My father isn’t one for the F-word, so it says a lot about his frustration and fear over my mother’s condition. I pull my wallet from my pocket and toss some bills on the table. “Why don’t we head home and see if Mom is up yet?” We both get to our feet; I throw my arm over his shoulders, giving him a side hug, and we make our way back to my childhood home. I don’t miss the irony—for the first time in my life, I’m the one offering moral support, and he’s the one leaning on me. But despite his dire warnings, ten minutes later when I’m folding my stick-thin mother in my arms, I’m reeling. Fuck. Fuck me. How? God, this hurts so much. Why her? Why fucking her? I’m grateful her head is somewhere around my chest, and she can’t see the look of agonizing disbelief on my face. When I left home, she had thick brown hair and a healthy glow. Now, she’s hunched over, bald, and saying she weighed a hundred pounds would be generous. I have a sinking feeling that she’s below that. Her once vibrant blue eyes, which always sparkled like sapphires, are now a muted color, and her few laugh lines have been replaced with wrinkles that look as if they’re relentlessly claiming every remaining smooth curve of her face. Where in the fuck is my mother and who is the shell that has replaced her?

  But then she cups my face and strokes my cheek as she’s always done and I see her there. Cancer is laying waste to her body, but the woman I love is still alive and buried under it all. Don’t cry, I chant in my mind over and over. She knows me so well, though. She sees that I’m struggling as she pulls away to study me. I have no clue what to say. What is the appropriate way to make conversation with your dying mother? Because as morbid as it may sound, that’s exactly the conclusion I’ve formed. Like Dad, I can’t see a rainbow with puppies waiting at the other end here. Granted, I don’t really have any experience with people who are going through chemo. Maybe they all look like this, and then later on, they go back to normal. I simply can’t wrap my head around what’s happening here, though. “My baby,” she says softly, and that’s it. I crumple at her feet and sob exactly like the infant she just called me. She lowers herself to the floor with me and pulls me close, stroking my hair as she’s always soothed me when I was upset. “Shhh, don’t cry, sweetheart. You’re home now, and this is a happy occasion. I’ve missed your face so much.” The guilt I feel at her last words is strong enough to suffocate me. Having been absent, I may have very well missed the last good parts of my mother’s life.

  My father has left the room. After our emotional talk, I’m sure this was more than he could bear. “I’m so sorry, Mom,” I manage to get out as she rocks us both back and forth with her frail body. I have no clue how she even has the strength to move herself, much less me. “Why didn’t you tell me what was going on? I would have come back right away.”

  We settle back against the front of the sofa with our hands clasped tightly together. “One day, you’ll understand, honey. But parents, especially mothers, have a need to protect their children. You’ve been through so much in the last year, and you needed the time to grieve.”

  “But what if that had cost me the chance to see you again? To spend time with you?” I ask, still frustrated that no one told me something so important. This wasn’t like missing a birthday or a job promotion.

  “I would have never left this earth without saying goodbye to you,” she says as if it’s the most logical answer in the world.

  I roll my eyes and drop my head back against the sofa cushions. “You know sometimes you don’t get to make that decision, right?” I point out wryly. “Even you’re not the Almighty, all powerful every day.”

  “Who says?” She laughs as she leans her head against my shoulder. “When it comes to you, my will is stronger than anything this universe can toss at me. Of course, it did throw Luc directly in our path yesterday so maybe it got tired of my delays.” We talk for a while longer before I notice the lengthening lapses between her words. I turn my head and see her eyelashes fluttering before a big yawn escapes. “Sorry,” she says sheepishly. “You just got home, and I don’t want to take my usual morning nap, but it looks like my body has other plans.”

  “I’m a little tired too from the drive,” I admit even though I would have gladly stayed. I get to my feet and help her up. Her weight is so slight that it again drives home to me how precarious her condition is right now. “How about I come by this evening and bring dinner with me? I can pick up your favorite Italian from Leo’s.”

  “That sounds great, honey,” she murmurs as I drop a kiss on her forehead. She turns and makes her way down the hallway toward the bedrooms. A lump forms in my throat as I notice her unsteady gait. Where has the mother I left behind gone? I’m with my dad. I absolutely loathe this fucking disease.

  Dad is raking in the front yard when I step outside. I tell him the plans for dinner, and he says he’s going in to get ready for work. He’s hired a sitter to be with Mom during the day because he needs to work to keep his health care coverage. I make a mental note to discuss their finances with him that evening. I know it’ll be a touchy subject, but with everything else they’re dealing with, I don’t want money to be another point of stress. I’m not rolling in it, but I’ve made enough from investments and my salary to want for nothing.

  I get in the car and almost without thought head toward Quinn Software. I wasn’t lying when I said I was tired, but I want to see Luc. Only the man I think of as a brother could possibly understand the anguish I feel at the thought of losing the woman who defined so much of our lives.

  A sense of rightness fills me as I walk through the doors of the software company that my friend built from the ground up. It’s been my second home ever since. The security guard does a double take when he spots me. While Luc is well liked by all his employees and is always friendly, I usually take it one step further. I’m a phenomenal salesman and customer liaison because I have the personality for it. I have the ability to make people feel instantly comfortable. Mom always said people were drawn to me like bees to honey. My dad used to say I could sell shit to a manure farmer. I think maybe it’s a little of both. It had certainly served me well in business and with women. Well, most women anyway.

  “Mr. Spencer! It’s great to see you again,” he says enthusiastically.

  I reach out to shake hands and clap him on the shoulder. “Thanks, Calvin. How’s the family doing? Bet the little one is getting big now. Probably into everything.” He pulls his phone out and shows me a picture of his smiling family. I have to give it to old Calvin; his wife is hot. He definitely married up there. Their kid, unfortunately, looks more like Calvin than his mother. Hopefully, that’ll change for him in the future. “You’re a lucky man.” I grin. “Is Luc in yet?”

  Nodding, Calvin says, “He went up about ten minutes ago.”

  “Good deal. I’m going to surprise him; he doesn’t know I’m back yet.”

  I’m strangely nervous as the floors whiz by. Luckily, only a handful of people have the code to this private elevator, so I don’t have to make more small talk. I haven’t slept for nearly twenty-four hours and just endured the most soul-crushing moment learning of my mother’s cancer. I’m exhausted. Physically. Emotionally. I take a deep breath as I step out and turn the corner. Then almost as if in slow motion, I see the exact moment Cindy spots me. She freezes in her chair before her hand comes up to cover her mouth. She’s been with Luc for a long time and mothers both of us. Naturally, we grumble about it, but we love it and her. She flies around the desk with impressive speed for a woman in her fifties. I’d never say that aloud because she’d probably beat my ass. Did I mention I’m a little scared of her? Her usual composure seems to desert her, and she’s literally tackling me in the foyer. “Aidan! You’re home. No one told me—wait, does Luc know? I want to hug you and smack you upside your head at the same time.” Luckily, the affectionate part of the threat wins out, and she enfolds me in her embrace.

  “It’s good to see you, beautiful,
” I say sincerely. Again, I’m a little choked up and have to blink rapidly to clear my eyes. Less than a few hours back and I’ve turned into a sniveling pussy.

  “Must you paw my wife, boy?” an amused voice says from behind me. I spin around to see Luc’s driver, Sam, standing there with his hands on his hips. “I knew it had to be you.” He shrugs. “Cindy will hug only a few people in this building. I just saw Max downstairs a few minutes ago, and Luc doesn’t have those girly curls you’re sporting in your hair now.”

  “Ass,” I say affectionately as we shake hands and perform our version of a bro-hug. “Wait—did you say wife?” I look from Cindy to him. She’s blushing like a teenager just busted by her parents, and he looks like the only cock in a hen house. “Well, I’ll be damned. You closed the deal.” I grin as I slug him on the shoulder. “You better not screw this up,” I add sternly, “and make sure you use protection.” Cindy gasps in horror, but Sam only laughs.

  “You’re so bad.” She laughs. “It’s been nice without you here. Forget what I said about missing you.”

  I throw my arm around her and lower my head to whisper, “We’re playing it cool, right? Sam doesn’t know I’m the backup plan, does he?” I make a show of zipping my lips and throwing away the key. She promptly sticks a surprisingly bony finger in my side, and I move away, throwing my hands up in surrender.

  Her face is suddenly serious as she says, “He’s been lost with you, Aidan. At least once a day, I walk into his office, and he’s staring out the window. He has that look, and I know he’s thinking of you. It’s as if he’s just been running on autopilot since you left. You took the heart right out of this place, and we’ve all felt the loss.” She pats my shoulder as if I’m her wayward child. “Now, I know you did what you needed to do, and he understands that too. But you boys are a part of each other. Always thick as thieves. Max has tried to step in, but he’s grieved for you. He’s going to be so happy and surprised to see you’re back.” And like that, all three of us are sniffling. Sam and I manage to keep it together, but Cindy is crying, and I feel like a selfish bastard all over again. Yes. The decision to come back now is the right one.

  Obviously, Luc hasn’t told her about my mother, so I do. Cindy is family to me as well, and I don’t want to keep anything else from her. “Luc won’t be surprised to see me. I’m pretty sure he’s been expecting me all morning.”

  She actually looks a tad disappointed. “Oh, you already let him know you were coming? Well, that’s okay. He’ll still be happy to see your face.”

  I settle on the corner of her desk as Sam takes a seat across from us. “Luc emailed me yesterday to tell me that my mother is very sick, and I needed to come home. My dad had mentioned her having tests but assured me that things were fine. However, Luc saw them yesterday and knew they weren’t.”

  Cindy’s eyes are so big on her face that I’m afraid for a moment they’ll actually explode. “Is she all right? Can I do anything to help out?” And that right there is one of a million things I love about Cindy. She’s always putting others first without a thought for herself.

  “She has cancer,” I say quietly. The words sound so horrible on my tongue that I find myself grimacing against the bad taste it leaves in my mouth. I hear Sam’s sharply indrawn breath, but other than that, we all sit in silence for a few moments.

  Cindy rubs my leg soothingly. “I know this is hard for you to talk about, but I want you to know that we’re here for you and your parents. Day or night, whatever you need. I’ll be praying that God heals her and keeps your family strong.”

  Before I can reply, the door behind us opens, and Luc stands in the doorway. He freezes for a moment when he sees me before a huge grin breaks out. “It’s about fucking time,” he says gruffly, and I hear Cindy clucking her tongue at his profanity as we clasp each other in yet another hug. I haven’t been hugged this much since that threesome at the beach the first month I was there. Well, except with Kara. An unexpected pang of emotion grips me as I think of her. With everything that’s happened this morning, I’ve been too distracted to dwell on the woman I left behind. Fuck. I won’t see her today or hold her tonight. We’ve only been together for such a short time, but she’s well and truly under my skin. I’m brought back from my thoughts, and Luc slaps me across the back—possibly a little harder than necessary—and adds, “I’ve missed you, brother.” I see the questions and worry in his eyes and know he’s wondering if I’ve been to my parents’ yet. Being the friend he is, though, he doesn’t want to mention it in front of Sam and Cindy, unaware they already know.

  I fall back on my trademark humor to lighten the moment. “You’re not going to cry or anything, are you? I swear you’re such a chick since you got married.” I smirk.

  Luc shakes his head, pulling me into his office by my shirt. “Just as big of an asshole as ever, I see. Good to know some things don’t change, right, Cindy?” he throws over his shoulder. She clucks her tongue and then shuts the door behind us. Instead of going to his place behind the desk as he normally would, he goes to the seating area in the corner and reclines on the leather sofa. I take a nearby chair, and we both relax, no doubt thinking of the million times we’ve done this before. He studies his hands for a moment then utters, “I’m damn glad to see you, but I never wanted to bring you back under these circumstances.”

  I’d suddenly like nothing better than a cigarette. I’ve never been a hardcore smoker, but in times of stress, it gives me something else to focus on. When I first left Asheville after Cassie’s death, I was up to a pack a day. Then after a while, I got some semblance of control and cut the amount way back. It dawns on me that I haven’t smoked at all since I met Kara. Hell, until this very moment, I haven’t realized that. Never wanted one and didn’t miss it. Apparently, she was good for me in many ways. “I was actually thinking of coming back soon before this came up. Thank you for letting me know about my mom,” I say sincerely. “I don’t know how much longer they would have waited had you not run into them.”

  Luc nods then shifts uncomfortably. “I let you down there. I should have been checking on them regularly while you were gone. We did talk on the phone some, but I never once went by their house in the whole time you were away. If I had, we would have found this out sooner.”

  He looks consumed by guilt, which is crazy to me considering they’re my parents, and I’m the one who basically cut ties and ran. That’s Luc, though. Even when we were kids, he always assumed responsibility for everyone else, so I know this must be tearing him up inside. “Don’t take this on yourself; it wasn’t your job to take care of everyone I left behind. That’s on me. When you found out there was a problem, you contacted me right away, and here I am. Now, stop with all the fucking whining and tell me how things have been here.”

  He chuckles at my insult and the mood lightens. That’s the usual dynamic of our relationship. He obsesses, and I provide the comic relief. I’ll admit that sometimes I’m in no mood to joke around, but I think we both need it today. “Things are moving along. We’ve closed the deals that you had in the works and added a few more to the pot. Max took over some of that, but the amount of bitching he does is unbelievable. Hey, wait. You read my email about him and Rose, right?”

  “Yeah”—I nod—“can’t say I’m surprised. Those two were always gonna end up together at some point. I gather it wasn’t all easy going, but at least it worked out. Have they gotten married yet?”

  “Nope, not yet”—Luc grins—“but Max is tired of waiting. I wouldn’t be surprised if it happens soon.” In an abrupt subject change that Luc is so fond of, he asks, “How are you really? You said you were thinking of coming home, so I assume things are—better? Or at least more bearable.”

  I run a hand through my hair as I organize my thoughts. “I don’t know if I’ve made my peace with everything that happened and all the wasted years, but I think I’ve come to accept that I can’t do anything at this point to change the past. It simply is what it is. I’ll always thin
k ‘what-if,’ but at the end of the day, I’m powerless to go back. I wondered if I’d ever be able to live in this city again with the myriad of memories here, but this is my home. I know it’ll be hard for a while, but I can’t leave my family behind again.”

  Luc sits forward, clasping his hands together. “Aidan, I owe you more than I can ever repay . . .” he begins before I hold up a hand to stop him. I know he’s referring to the fact that I saved Lia from Cassie that day. Would I do it again? Absolutely. Will it haunt me until the day I die? You better fucking believe it. I’ve come to realize that one person was going to die, and I chose to save the innocent one who was carrying my best friend’s child. Of course, at the time, I thought I had a chance to get them both out alive. But there was no choice, not when I saw Lia on the ground. Fuck. I thought she was already dead. And all I could think about was Luc. He wouldn’t have recovered if she hadn’t lived. There was no choice. Sometimes, doing the right thing can mean losing a part of yourself in the process. You can only pray that eventually some of the pieces will come together once again, and you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror without choking on the guilt. Seeing Luc so love and full of life . . . yeah, I made the right call.