His voice held no room for doubt at his conviction, just as I knew it wouldn’t. I stood and embraced the brother who’d always been my biggest supporter, knowing I wouldn’t have made it this long if it wasn’t for him. Hell, my whole family had rallied when I’d been diagnosed and never hesitated to step in for me.
It was close to an hour later when the door to my room opened, followed by a heavy set woman with pink streaked hair and a clipboard strapped to her wrist that settled between her hands. I expected her to come over, stick the I.V. in my arm and leave. What I never expected was what came out of her mouth.
“I brought some ice chips and yogurt for you to get down before I have to hook up your I.V. I hope this is okay.”
I nodded, giving an indulgent smile to the kind eyed nurse.
She moved toward me as I sat comfortably on a cushioned chair. It dawned on me that this was the experience I had ever had in a hospital since – well, ever. I had never liked these places, for obvious reasons. I took the mango flavored yogurt from the nurse and spread a palm across the back of my head, covered with a black knitted beanie.
“Any prior health conditions I should know about, Mr. Jones?”
“That’s good. Have you had any irregular symptoms lately?”
Again, I shook my head. Despite the nausea at all hours of the night and the loss of appetite that came with the treatments I’d received back home, a combination of radiation and chemotherapy, I’d been good health wise. No reoccurring infections, congestion or blood clots.
I held my breath then as she eyed me gently, anticipating the answer to her next question. Bumps raised over my skin as she turned the page on her clipboard.
“Fuck,” I uttered under my breath.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I see there has been a family member that’s suffered from lymphoma before you. I’m so sorry for your loss, Mr. Jones.”
My breath whooshed out of me as I nodded, silently relieved that she didn’t ask the one question I’d gotten used to and formed a special kind of hatred for.
Has anyone in your family had cancer?
I felt her fingers press to my inner arm as my stare met Asher’s from where he sat with his hands folded in his lap. His eyes were haunted with a mixture of fear and anger as they met mine. I shook my head to him as if to say I’ve got this. His eyebrows lowered though he nodded as if to say I fucking hate this. I knew the sentiment was universal to us and though I hated I’d put us back into the darkness with my illness, I was so grateful to not be alone right now.
I stared as the clear liquid traveled through the tube attached from the bag into my arm, following the nurse’s instructions as she pulled a blanket out of one of the cabinets across the room and handed it to me. Pulling it close to my chest, I began to count.
10…
9…
8…
7…
My spine ached and my jaw clenched as poison slowly but ever so surely dripped from the I.V. and into my vein.
6…
5…
4…
I wasn’t sure when I had closed my eyes, but all I knew was that I had and the pair of eccentric brown eyes I saw beneath my eyelids drew me into sleep in no time at all.
Past
I took my cell phone from my pocket as I waited for my physician. It was my yearly appointment and though I wished I could put it off even longer than I had so far, my girl wouldn’t have that. I had to take care of myself if not for my sake, then for Kaelyn’s. I still couldn’t fathom that Kaelyn Anne Morgan was mine. Mine. I hit the number two on the dial pad of my cell phone’s screen and pressed it against my ear. Her voice graced my ear after only two rings.
“Lucas” she murmured, as if she just needed to say the word. I smiled, not caring that she couldn’t see me, needing to let her light shine through me as it always had.
“I’m about to go into the doctor’s office, Sweetheart.”
I heard the small hitch of her breath as I spoke and reveled in the fact that after all the years we’d been together I could still make her breathless. That small sound was like a straight shot of adrenaline to my dick, making me wonder how many other ways I could affect my gorgeous wife. My voice, my hands, my fingers, my mouth – Hell, the list I could conjure up would put even the devil himself to shame.
“I miss you.”
“Soon baby, and you’ll have me all night. I have to go.”
“Lucas?”
I saw the doctor heading towards me as I moved out of my seat, yet I refused to let go of her just yet.
“Kel?”
“To the moon.”
Her voice hit me and I ached to hold her in my arms so close I could feel her warmth both inside and out. I had to hold onto a nearby chair to stop myself from bolting right out of there. Hearing her say she loved me is something I could never get tired of.
“And back.”
We said goodbye and only then did I look up to see the doctor standing in front of me.
“Lucas Jones, as I live and breathe! I thought you would be canceling on me again.”
I grinned, following him towards the hallway he’d ventured from.
“My wife insisted.”
He nodded, his face showing how much he understood as he gave my hand a good shake and gestured to a chair in his plush office.
“So? Why did you want to see me?”
The doctor’s face grew wary at my question, his hands folding in front of him on the desk.
“I wanted to speak with you about the blood tests you had done when you came in for your flu shot a few weeks ago. I unfortunately have to tell you something and Mr. Jones, I’m so sorry, but this won’t be an easy pill to swallow.”
My chest seized as I heard his words, so similar to those of doctors past as my mother was diagnosed almost six years ago. I began to shake my head.
No. No, this can’t be how it’s going to go.
“Just tell me doc. I don’t want to hear any bullshit. What’s going on?”
He sighed and stacked his stupid papers a few times as if he was enjoying my misery in these moments of uncertainty.
“Your white blood cell count is abnormally low and we aren’t entirely sure why. It could be for a number of reasons, but to be safe I’d like to do a few tests to rule some things out.”
Dread pooled cold and heavy in my stomach as I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant.
“Like cancer.”
His gaze shot to mine as he nodded, his face filled with sympathy. I closed my eyes and balled my fists up against them, not wanting his fucking sympathy. I wanted to get out of there.
“Do whatever you’ve got to do, man. But no matter the results you get, I’m going home to my wife tonight.”
His brow lowered as if he wanted to argue with me, but one look into my eyes told him that probably wouldn’t be smart. So he nodded.
It wasn’t until three hours and six tests later that he had a diagnosis for me.
The worst of the worst. Fucking cancer.
Just like mom.
My heart seemed to stop beating all together as I refused to believe this was happening. I’d been healthy. I had always been cautious when it came to what I put in my body, what I ate, how much I drank…
How the fuck was this possible?
I wasn’t ready for this; how was anyone ever ready for this?
“I’m so very sorry, Luke. Unfortunately, we have to start your treatment right away.”
I nodded, though I only heard a few words he was saying to me.
One face haunted my thoughts in that moment. Kaelyn.
My Kaelyn.
My gorgeous girl.
My wife.
Any hope I had of living a happy, deserving life with her and my miracle were gone. Cancer had taken not only my mother, but my faith in humanity, in God, and even in the concept of true happiness away from me. My mother had been the strongest woman I had ever known, havi
ng to raise three boys and my sister while my dad fought overseas most of our young lives and she had never shed a tear for it. She had loved us. Unconditionally and irrevocably. Cancer had been her match and it wasn’t long before our mom had been taken under its force.
What kind of monster would I be if I let Kaelyn and my perfect daughter watch that?
No.
No.
NO.
I wouldn’t.
I couldn’t.
I nodded, my blood rushing painfully to my head while my bones ached with the physical pain of missing her; my chest excruciatingly tight with the knowledge of what I had to do.
Past
I sighed as I sat down for the first time in what felt like days. I hadn’t had a chance to sit all day long. Sometimes, I wondered how I had found a man as devoted as Lucas was to our little family. I had watched him take Lily to her first day of school today and I had fallen for him yet again seeing the way he looked at her with those olive eyes our daughter had most definitely gotten from him. I began to fold the basket of clothes I’d set in front of me, my hair falling into my face with the movement of my head. I pulled it back behind my ear and found myself gazing down at my barely covered belly. I couldn’t help myself from wondering if I was showing yet. It was only yesterday that I found out. A smile tipped my lips up. If there was one thing I was bad at, it was keeping a secret. I’d come scarily close to blurting it out at breakfast this morning. How would that go? It had only been a day for God’s sake and I still couldn’t figure out a special way to tell Lucas. I wanted him to remember the moment I told him I was pregnant again just as he’d remember the first time I told him close to four years ago. I could remember how much he’d wanted children as we talked late at night and early in the mornings leading up to our wedding, back when all that mattered was one another. I wanted to give him everything he had confessed to wanting then and even more now. I wanted to give him that life filled with happiness he had dreamed of.
The abrupt and shrill sound of my iPhone ringing from where I left it in the kitchen pulled me from my thoughts and had me out of my seat and across the room before I thought better of it.
“Lucas.” Just saying his name soothed my soul in his absence.
“I’m about to go into the doctor’s office, sweetheart.”
His deep, rumbling voice flowed over me like honey, quickening my pulse and heightening my desire for him in a matter of seconds.
“I miss you,” I confessed, leaning against the counter as my fingers played with the rings on my finger out of habit. Despite my worries, Lucas had insisted on me taking his beloved mother’s engagement ring as my own and as I looked down at the opal stone, I still thought it was breathtaking.
“Soon, baby, and you’ll have me all night. I have to go.”
I nodded, obviously forgetting he couldn’t see me.
“Lucas?”
“Kel?”
“To the moon.”
I didn’t have to see my husband then because I knew that heart rending smile was spread across his face as I told him I loved him. I love you didn’t seem to be enough for us to portray the equivalent of our feelings, even in the beginning of our relationship, so those three words had become our way.
“And back,” he just about growled, making an unstoppable warmth spread through me from the very tips of my fingers to the deepest spots in my chest. I had that same smile across my face the whole drive to Karen’s Kindergarten, where our daughter had her first day. It was still there as I caught up with the women waiting for the school’s doors to open.
My thoughts were centered on all things Lucas Jones as I waited and was halted by Kristen, one of the younger mothers I had gotten to know, stepping onto the sidewalk with me. Her platinum blonde hair was pulled out of her face and into an uncomfortably high pony tail, her legs clad in the tightest of skinny jeans and she was in what I would always call a belly top. I inwardly cringed. If this is how she insists on dressing, what is her daughter going to wear?
“I met your husband this morning.”
I turned my eyes to hers, my eyebrows coming up in curiosity as to where she was going with this. Kristen was normally very polite, friendly with me. I wondered why she was looking at me as if she had won the lottery. It sure as hell wouldn’t be the first time my husband had earned the attention of a single mom in our circle. I was sure it wouldn’t be the last, either.
“Oh?”
She nodded, sultry notes clouding her blue eyes, making me want to get violent real quick. I took a breath, remembering to count to ten before speaking. It would always amaze me how some women would vie for attention from a married man.
“Oh, yeah.”
I narrowed my eyes just a bit, leaning in closer to her.
“I’ll tell you one thing, sweetie. He makes me very happy.”
I couldn’t have missed the look of shock and blatant jealousy in her face.
“Well-“
I didn’t have a chance to hear her next words because the doors to the school opened then and a line of eager and excitement-filled kids came barreling towards us.
“Mama bear!” Lily’s voice was the one I heard out of all of them and I smiled huge as her face came into view, her pink sundress swaying against the subtle July wind as she came running right to me. Dropping to my haunches, I wrapped frantic arms around her, swept her up, and gave her upturned face enough kisses to keep her loved for a lifetime. Still, I kept loving on her. Begrudgingly, I set her down, taking her hand. I listened to her exaggerated version of her day as we walked across the street to where I had parked. She met a girl in her class that was apparently her best of friends after just a few hours of playing together. I made a note in my head to find out who this girl’s mom was to set up a play-date with them as soon as possible. My girl was so excited.
“Where’s Daddy, Mama? He said he was coming at two! He pwomised!”
I dipped to my knees next to the Jeep and moved her face up from where she was looking down at her sandal-clad feet.
“He had his doctor’s appointment today, baby. He wanted to come.”
Her eyes watched me, so similar to Lucas' and after a minute, that smile came back with a force that almost knocked me over. I wrapped her back in my arms and murmured in my daughter’s ear.
“I love you, Lily bear. Let’s get home before Daddy, OK?”
She nodded against me and as I carried her to the car. I was still smiling but now it was for her.
Lily stirred the pasta in the biggest pot she managed to find as I prepared Lucas’ favorite Parmesan and Alfredo sauce. It was his mother’s and one she had given me before she had passed. I loved making it with Lily now that she was old enough to help and have these memories between us. These moments with her had become precious to me and I knew they would be ones she would treasure for years to come. Her head turned from her task and I could almost hear her questions coming my way from inside her always curious head.
“Yes, baby girl?”
“When is Dad coming home? It’s been forever.”
I smiled gently, knowing how long it seemed to her.
She hopped off her stool and hugged my hip, those doe eyes coming up to look at me.
I gently smoothed her blonde hair to the side of her face and pulled her up into my arms so her bottom sat on my hip. God, when did my baby girl get to be so big?
“Soon, baby. How about I call him and see what time he’s coming home?”
My girl was nodding before I even had the last of the words out of my mouth, and I laughed softly as I walked out of the kitchen and towards the bedroom where my purse was.
“Dad!”
I heard Lily yell, her voice filled with potent affection and excitement.
“There’s my girl. Are you cooking with Mama?”
The deep tones of my husband’s voice hit my ears, creating a sharp tug of need from the tips of my fingers to my core. My skin felt warm as it
was covered in goosebumps from the sound of his voice. From his presence.
Dropping my face to hide the flush that had taken up my cheeks, I moved to the doorway to the kitchen where I still heard Lucas speaking animatedly with our girl. As I rounded the corner, the first thing I saw was the way she was gazing up at her father, as if he had hand created the moon and the stars for her to watch at night. There was a mixture of pride, wonder, and love that shone from her eyes identical to his.
I was still standing there unashamedly watching them when Lucas’ head turned towards where I stood, his hooded eyes meeting mine for the first time.
The breath I’d been pulling in at that moment seemed to vanish, leaving me gaping at him, speechless. I had seen a symphony of emotions reflecting back at me in those olive eyes of his at one time or another , but what I saw now jolted my body in panic while my chest tightened painfully in worry. There was a darkness, shadows taking over Lucas now and that wasn’t what worried me the most.
No.
It was the way he visibly flinched when he looked at me, his eyes closing as he braced both hands on the granite counters behind him for tortuously long seconds before they opened again.
“Lucas?” I barely said, not wanting to worry Lily as she mindlessly stirred the pasta at the stove top. My stomach coiled as Lucas penetrated me with his stare, as if he was readying himself for a fight.
“Talk to me” I mouthed, stepping closer to him then knowing if he needed me, there wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t give him to erase those shadows in his eyes.
“Jesus. Kaelyn.”
Lucas came to me without another word, his arms locking around my waist almost immediately. His mouth swept down to mine in a matter of seconds, his cinnamon rich breath encompassing me as my hands clenched into his hair, my fingers wrapping around it in need. His mouth opened to mine and his tongue caressed my lips in the most heavenly way. He ravished my mouth with long, slow strokes while bruising my lips with a hunger that made my need for him grow to an inferno, quickly causing an undeniable ache between my legs that couldn’t be ignored.
It wasn’t just a want for him, it was a raw need to bring him solace in any way that I could, to be his strength right now.
Breaking Lucas (Trinity series Book 2) Page 2