I could hear Lily humming the same song and I realized what she was seeing. My hand came up to Lucas’chest and as I pushed against it, I heard a low, raw sound that I could only describe as a growl. I pressed my head to his front and wrapped my arms around him as far as they would go.
“I love you,” I said, the words muffled in his tee as we held each other fiercely. His arms had locked around me ten minutes ago and hadn’t let go. I wished they wouldn’t have to.
“I will always love and protect you, Sweetheart. Please remember that.”
His voice was solemn and deep, his earlier tenderness nowhere to be found. Cold chills ran up my arms and I held him tighter, refusing to let the fear that threatened to take hold of me win.
My head lifted as a much smaller hand than my own tugged on my apron. What I saw in my husband’s face made the fear take hold without knowing I had allowed it to.
Something had happened and it was scary enough to have my usually resilient, tender, and persistent man hide within himself again.
“Lucas?”
Lily tugged again, asking for me. I crouched down to her then and kissed the top of her head to soothe her. My eyes closed and my chest contracted painfully when I heard the door to the in-home office close after Lucas with a deafening bang and I knew I was effectively shut out.
“Are you sad, Mama?” Lily asked, her eyes filled with confusion I hated seeing there as she raised her arms for me to hold her. As I lifted her to my hip and held her close, I lied to her for the first time in her very young life.
“No, baby girl. Everything is just fine.”
I lay in bed for the longest time that night, my head filled with worry while my body was strung tight with a deep seated longing. A longing for Lucas. For him to come to me no matter what demons he was facing, to let me be his rock, his support. He was harboring something big, something big enough to terrify him. I was sure of that. If there was one thing I knew about Lucas Andrew Jones, it was that he was a protector first and foremost. If he thought this secret could harm me in any way, there was no getting him to tell me. When he had come home from college almost four years ago, I could see my high school sweetheart had demons that were eating him alive. Day in and day out he battled them. There was never a day I hadn’t seen that all too familiar darkness in his eyes in those years we dated and inevitably, fell in love. His demons were back now, I just had no idea why.
Whatever it was, it was destroying the man I loved. I had to figure out what it was.
Inhaling a deep breath, I wrapped the sheets around me and stepped out of the bedroom to make my way out to the main living area.
I saw him the moment I turned the corner of the hallway. His chest moved rapidly as he slept on the recliner in the living room, only a small blanket covering him. As I moved closer, I could see his hand shaking against the arm rest. He wasn’t asleep and it was taking a toll on him being away from me. I was familiar with the feeling.
Without giving him time to make an excuse to leave, I dropped the sheets to the floor and climbed onto the chair, laying my feet beside his and my head just underneath his chin. My mouth landed gently across his throat in a kiss.
“This is where I belong, Lucas. Right here, with you.”
His eyes opened and slid to mine and then even lower to discover I was bare as I lay on top of him. I felt his fists clench against my lower back and I smiled for the first time that night.
If he wanted to get away from me, he would have to see what he’d be leaving behind first.
“You think I don’t know that? I’m so fucking . . .”
He exhaled then, his eyes melding to mine as he slid his palm over my cheek.
“You are my heart. I gave it to you six years ago in that library you love so much and I never wanted it back. You can never be without me, Sweetheart.”
He raised my knuckles to his lips as my lower lip trembled, my eyes burning with unshed tears.
“You own me, Kaelyn Anne Jones.”
My face dipped to nestle into his shoulder, my chest heaving from the sob that escaped my parted lips. I knew deep down that this was it; he was going to tell me what had him so very afraid and I . . . God I just wasn’t ready.
“Stay with me, Luke. Please . . . stay with me”
His fierce hold of me tightened as the words he said were pressed into my skin.
“I can’t, Sweetheart.”
The following morning, I woke up slowly, my eyes opening to the gentle light the windows let into the room. I felt a pillow behind my head, the comforter of our bed covering my still bare body. I didn’t find myself on the side of the recliner with my head on Lucas’ chest. His arms weren’t holding me like he had last night, like he never wanted to let me go.
Normally, I would reach my hand out to find his, but the bone cold chill I felt not only in my body but in my heart told me he wasn’t there and he hadn’t been all night.
Panic gripped me, causing pain to attack my chest and my breathing to falter as I sprang out of the bed and searched for any sign of him.
I pressed my hand to my chest as if that would help calm it.
He couldn’t have possibly . . .
Just as the question came to my mind, my eyes fell onto the note that laid across the nightstand only a foot away. My heart erratically beat faster as I feared what a note meant.
Had he gone for breakfast without waking me? Lucas loved to surprise me.
Vaguely, I knew it wasn’t that. My hand shook as I reached for the paper and turned it over. The first thing I noticed was how wrinkled it was, as if he had curled it up and flattened it out at least six times. His handwriting was sprawled across the lines, messy and manic. I held my breath as my eyes fell to the first word.
Kaelyn
I didn’t want to read the second or the third. Yet with blurry eyes and a heart wide open, I did.
Present
There was a moment, at about dawn, where my eyes would flutter open to the faint light coming through my curtains and a sense of calm would wash over me. I would reach out the palm of my hand to the warmth of the bed beside me hoping, each and every morning, to find the strong yet tender touch beside mine. When my palm would reach chilled sheets, reality would rush against the dreams I found myself in and ice would form in my veins once again. Like angry, rough waters against the side of a boat at sea, I would feel the oncoming emotions brew inside my chest, a storm I could never seem to avoid. And then I would remember.
I was alone.
Lucas.
Lucas.
Lucas.
The pain would come, the slice of my battered heart that the god awful and so beautiful memories of us caused.
Turning my face towards the alarm clock on my nightstand, I watched the minutes go by as I prepared myself to face the day ahead. I would be strong. I wouldn’t let my pain touch my girls’ happy lives, no matter what it cost me because I didn’t have a choice.
As the last second to seven ticked by, I heard two sweet voices from downstairs and I smiled.
“Breakfast is ready!” I heard my best friend call from downstairs. I could imagine her right now, neck deep in flour and maple syrup with two very excited girls yelling for pancakes. I dressed as quickly as I could in my favorite pair of jeans and a light blue blouse that fit me just right, all the while I smiled at the picture in my mind.
I didn’t know what I would do without her, but I knew I would be well and truly lost.
As I descended the stairs, the heavenly aromas hit my nose.
“Oh, it smells so good down here. Did you learn to cook while I was sleeping?”
Meghan’s eyes, two pools of lavender hinted with blue, narrowed at me and her hip cocked to the side as if to say and so what if I had?
I grinned, going around the counter to scoop up the bundle of laughter that was Avery Theresa Jones. My youngest daughter had been the light to my dark nights after that fateful night when Lucas left.
My chest squeezed tightly at the memory but as I peered down into my baby girl’s sweet face, a sense of contentment washed over me.
“How’s my pumpkin this morning?”
Her thumb popped out of her mouth lightly and she nestled her head between my neck and shoulder. Bright, unyielding light spread beneath my eyelids as I held her and rocked her just as she had always loved.
“I’m good like rain, Mama.”
She looked at me like that made all the sense in the world. I looked to Meghan, dumbfounded as to what that meant.
“Your dad always says right as rain. I think that’s what she means, been saying it since they saw Papa yesterday.”
I laughed softly then smiled wider when a pair of small arms wrapped around my legs, the point of a chin resting just under my hip. My eyes cast down to meet the wide, olive eyes of Lily.
“Hey, sweet girl. Will you help set the table with Auntie Meghan for me?”
Nodding excitedly, it took only moments for her to dash to the kitchen bar across the room followed closely by a clapping Avery.
Tying my stringy hair behind my head, I readied myself to do the cleanup for our meal. If Meghan had been nice enough to cook, I’d be cleaning, that was for sure. It was only then that I saw the man standing behind my stove. I gaped at the sight of him as he cooked eggs and bacon on my stove top.
“Uh, Meghan?”
“Yeah, Kel?”
I turned toward her where she was setting the table with a handful of napkins and gave her a questioning look. My eyes asked everything I didn’t want the girls to hear. Like, why the hell was a shirtless, tattoo covered and downright sinful looking man cooking us breakfast?
“Oh, uh, that’s Aiden.”
She placed the last spoon onto the table and kissed Lily’s cheek before coming into the kitchen and toward the hunk of a man I couldn’t help admiring as I picked away at the grapes I always kept on the counter-top. A thought came to the front of my mind and I couldn’t seem to stop from wondering at it.
How long had it been since I looked twice at a man?
God, I need to get back to work.
A large plate smelling of heaven was placed in front of me and I looked up to see a coy, almost shy smile across the man’s face.
“Hey, I’m Aiden. I hope I’m not intruding on your breakfast. Meghan said it would be fine.”
I laughed softly, waving my hand as I chewed.
“I’m happy to have you, Aiden. Thank you for cooking for us.”
He grinned at that, as if he knew I was thanking him for more than the food.
I think we’re all thankful for the view this morning, I thought to myself.
We brought the plates and glasses of orange juice for the girls, coffee for the adults, to the table and settled in for breakfast. I couldn’t help noticing how the two lovebirds across from me seemed to move closer as time went by until Meghan was practically sitting on Aiden’s lap.
“Can you cut my chicken, Mama?”
Avery’s sweet voice said, her big green eyes blinking up at me from her booster seat.
“You don’t know how?”
I reached my arms across her much smaller ones and showed her how to cut the golden brown chicken into small pieces for her to eat.
“It looks hard.”
I kissed her cheek when she turned her head towards mine, saw the clouds of confusion in her eyes. Avery had always been a curious little thing, taking on any challenge put in front of her. Yet, she was hesitant.
“It’s OK if you don’t get it right, baby girl. I’ll help you.”
The smile she gave me spread light through me again and I couldn’t stop myself from covering her dear face with kisses.
“Try it, baby.” I urged as she took hold of the fork in one hand, a butter knife in her other. Avery’s eyebrow creased in concentration as she made the first, shallow but still visible cut into her chicken.
A proud smile spread my face then and I knew she wouldn’t need my help.
“Told you,” I whispered, then stole a bite of the well-cut meat she was so proud of.
“Mama!”
I grinned, backing away with my hands held out in a sign of surrender.
“Not sorry.”
My flushed best friend urged the girls up the stairs to get dressed for the day not long after we’d cleaned up from the first home cooked meal I’d had in I don’t know how long, all thanks to who I was now considering Meghan’s man-friend.
“Meghan told me so much about you. I can see why.”
Aiden stood leaning against the marble counters in my kitchen, a thoughtful look in his eyes. I nodded, pulling two premade lunches out of the fridge to pack in Lily and Avery’s backpacks.
“She’s my best friend.”
I said it as if that was all he needed to know.
He nodded, crossing his arms across his chest and he waited.
Waited.
Waited.
“What?”
“You’ve got this look like you have something to say. I know that woman upstairs pretty well by now and I can tell you two have a strong connection. What is it?”
I opened my mouth to answer him, then found myself closing it. With anyone else, I would have torn them a new one for trying to judge my life or my relationship with Meghan, who I considered just as much a sister to me as Aria was. But the calm demeanor he kept made me instantly at ease. I leaned my head back as I searched his gaze for any of the familiar looks of pity or judgment, though I saw none.
I sighed, nodding and told him. Told him how if it hadn’t been for her, I wasn’t sure I would have ever moved on from the depression I had fallen into close to three years ago. I was in a world of heartache, a piece of myself broken beyond repair. I couldn’t see through the swirls of darkness and self-hate that I still had so many people around me who needed me, needed me to be OK.
I still couldn’t imagine how I had gotten so low that my own daughters’ cries didn’t spur me out of the sadness I’d fallen into. The doctors I saw at the time told me it was post pardum depression after my youngest daughter was born. They told me it wasn’t my fault but I for some reason, I still felt like a failure in my girls eyes.
Past
The bombarding light forced my tired, swollen eyes open and a noise that sounded like a cross between a moan and a growl fell from my mouth. I shielded my eyes with the hand not caught in the twisted comforter that surrounded me. I blinked a few times, rolling onto my side where I always slept.
“Mama! Mama!” I heard the shrill yells from downstairs, my chest a block of solid cold ice, impenetrable to the warmth their voices threatened to bring.
I sat up, then, my head hitting the plush headboard with a soft knock. I longed to feel that so distant feeling of warmth toward the family I would find downstairs. Pressing one open palm to my chest that barely moved with my shallow breaths, I waited for it to come. The happiness, the sense of anticipation at seeing the vibrant smiles on my daughters’ faces. I waited for the emotion to pierce my icy heart, yet nothing. Nothing came.
My shoulders slowly sank deeper into the comforter, my head sliding back down to the solace of the pillows, and though I knew somewhere deep inside that I should get up, I should be strong, I just didn’t want to. It wasn’t that I was lazy, I just couldn’t find the energy to face what was lying out in my world just then. As I curled my fingers into the bed sheets once again and my eyes fell closed, I told myself I would be better tomorrow.
Sleep seemed to evade me the next time I came out of it, my eyes staying closed while the loud, intruding knocking surrounded the safe place I’d formed for myself in the comfort of my slumber.
“This has to stop, Kaelyn. Please, just get out of bed.”
My father’s voice spread over me like a vise that squeezed all the breath out of me. My head came up from the sheets covering my body, my eyes blinking a few times before I felt the potent stare of his.
“I know you’re hurting, pumpkin.”
Coming around the end of the bed, my father, all two hundred and sixty pounds of him came to kneel at my side as one of his large hands grasped mine in a gentle hold.
“But those two girls down there, they need their Mama to be there.”
I frowned, a feeling that felt a whole lot like anger rising up inside my chest for the first time in I didn’t know how long. My eyes swept closed with a weird yet so refreshing sense of relief as the emotion covered every synapse inside of me, making my whole body seem visible again.
Oh god, how long had I been invisible in my own life?
How long had I been numb to them? To my own emotions that anger could be a gift to me?
I knew why that was. I was feeling something after so long of not feeling anything. I had holed myself in this bed and had refused to leave. But I felt it now.
I wasn’t going to let my sadness hurt them anymore; that was the vow I made to myself.
“Look at me, pumpkin.”
My father’s gritted words as he held my face with gentle strength made my eyes open, filled to the brim with tears I hadn’t yet cried. My emotions came to the surface as I looked at him and saw my fathers anguish,
“Dad—daddy” I whispered, a choking sound coming from me in that moment that I felt it.
All of it.
Every moment I had let slip by, every time I had heard the cries of my baby girls’ from down the hall and hadn’t felt the desire to hold her like I always had.
“Oh, shh, Pumpkin. Jesus, look at me.”
I lifted my head from his shoulder, meeting him with guilt filled eyes that were reflected at me.
“You’re back” He murmured, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
“How long was I gone, Dad?” I asked, more to myself than him. I tried to piece together all the moments, the days, the weeks, how long it had been since a holiday?
Breaking Lucas (Trinity series Book 2) Page 3