I nodded, closing my eyes briefly as I accepted that he was right. After my mother had died, I had fallen into a darkness I had never known, and the only time I could ever escape the demons that chased me was when I picked up my guitar. It had started simple, singing. And then in high school I began to write songs, write everything inside of me into the depth of a harmony and the potency of rhythm.
“Thank you, Dad. You don’t know how much I needed this.”
He pulled me into a fierce embrace, solidifying my gratitude.
“I’m going to ride back. Your guitar is by the back.”
I grinned, a new found determination seeping into my bones as he left me there, surrounded by the world I used to love.
My guitar, an acoustic classic that had called to me close to ten years ago in the heart of the windy city that I’d grown up in, sat against the wall of the sound box, and as I ran my hand down the bridge and my fingers brushed the strings a memory of playing this to Kaelyn on our wedding night attacked me, carving yet another hole in my fractured heart.
“Fuck, I missed this,” I said to the empty room, my eyes closing as I tried to remember the familiar tune I sang that night in the dim light of a honeymoon suite at the Drake.
My hands, as if on instinct moved to one cord, then to the next, my thumbs holding the very pick I bought when this guitar had called to me.
What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive.
I can’t keep up and I can’t back down
I’ve been losing so much time.
‘Cause it’s you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose.
And it’s you and me and all of the people
And I don’t know why I can’t keep my eyes off of you.
The lyrics stirred the longing I had tried to diminish for so long and I felt the emotion clouding my vision as I tipped my head down, allowing my eyes to bleed the pain of losing her.
Kaelyn. Fuck, my sweet Kaelyn.
All of the things that I want to say just aren’t coming out right
I’m tripping on words
You got my head spinning
I don’t know where to go from here.
Something about you now
I can’t quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful,
Everything she does is right.
The lyrics came to an end and I didn’t bother to open my eyes.
I didn’t think about drowning it out.
I had to feel it, I had to feel it all.
Everything I had hidden from, everything I had yearned for.
I was exposed.
Broken.
Dark.
Bare.
Clutching my head with frantic fingers, I said yet another prayer that once this was all over, my treatment and this fucking disease, I was going to get her back.
If she would have me.
An undeniable throbbing behind my temples woke me the morning after Meghan had insisted on going out for what she considered “a few drinks.” It was more like eighteen drinks later that we fumbled back home and crashed in her bed at close to dawn.
I rolled over, moaning my complaint of the incessant throbbing that made it impossible for me to open my eyes to the daylight shining into the room.
“Hell, how much did we drink last night?” Meg shouted, grabbing her head in an effort to calm the same effect I was feeling.
“Stop yelling, Meg. I have to get up and get the girls . . .”
The thought of Avery and Lily seeing me in this state had me up and running into my closet in no less than six seconds. I heard Meg laughing her ass off as I scrambled to dress, pulling and braiding my hair in the same motion.
“The girls are sound asleep at your parents’ house. Calm your roll, girl.”
A breath of relief poured out of me, only now remembering that she was right. My butt hit the mattress beside her and I couldn’t help the laughter that came.
“You okay?” Meghan asked over the stove-top as we made up some food, one of our favorite dishes. I nodded, my mind still scattered from our fun last night. Though I would probably never admit it, I really needed last night. It was amazing how just letting go and simply being once in a while could give you a sense of freedom. For just one night, I could just be Kaelyn Anne, not a mother of two and not a cafe owner. Not even a devoted sister or a sometimes outspoken woman. Just me. And it had felt damn good to let go for one night.
I looked over to see Meg’s hands covered in bread crumbs as she made a breading for the chicken and dumplings we enjoyed so much.
“Absolutely. When did Mom say I could pick the girls up?”
Just the thought of seeing my girls again made a smile curve my lips, yet when I saw the expression of concern and blatant worry on Meghan’s face, I frowned. Her brow furrowing in a look I knew very well. It was the one she gave me when she didn’t want to tell me something.
I stopped stirring the tomato sauce in front of me and bumped my hip with hers.
“What’s wrong?”
“Well, Andrea said she got a call from Elsa Jones.”
Shit, I thought to myself. That was Lucas’ step mother, a sweet, petite woman that wouldn’t dare hurt a fly and basically planned our entire wedding after the various party planners my mom had insisted on crapped out. She pulled everyone together that day. The thought caused me to remember how the Jones brothers had always said she was the glue holding their fragmented family in one piece. I loved that woman like a second mother even if I had only known her for the time we were married.
I nodded, continuing to stir, trying to calm the storm of emotion that I felt brewing just below the surface of my clammy skin.
“So? She comes to visit the girls every once in a while. She is their family, Meg.”
“I know! That’s not why.”
The girl began to knot her fingers; a nervous habit I knew well.
Worry coiled low in my belly and I reached my hand to hers.
“What is it? Does she want the girls to spend the night?”
Shaking her head, she seemed to get her wits about her enough to spit whatever was concerning her out.
“Elsa invited us to dinner tonight, some sort of mother’s day celebration.”
Oh. Well that was sweet and everything, but with my schedule and the work I still hadn’t done this weekend I wasn’t sure we could make it out to Chicago for the dinner.
“I’m not sure we can just pick up everything and fly-“
“They’re here, Kel. I guess this past year they had moved down to Fredericksburg for a fresh start.”
My mouth popped open in shock, how could that be possible?
“For a fresh start? The whole lot of them?”
She nodded, the source of her worry now becoming apparent.
“Then we’re going, I guess. What time did she say?”
“Oh, four. But what if . . . ?”
My steps toward the oven halted when I realized exactly why Meg was so concerned and one face landed front and center in my mind. My eyes closed roughly, my head dipping as I fought to control the overwhelming need to throw something. Or cry. Or go straight to the very man that had torn me from the high of true happiness and proceeded to tear my heart straight from my exposed chest. Anger came, thick and unrelenting. It tore through my veins, heading straight to my heart and the clench of my fists gave me the only control I had over the emotions that threatened to send me flying back to that very day everything changed.
I took a calming breath and repeated the same mantra I always had.
I’m good. I’ve moved on. I’ve moved on.
Except this time? I wasn’t sure I believed it if I was going to risk seeing him again.
“I’ll take the chance, Meg.”
Her widened eyes took me in for a moment too long before she came over to me and engulfed me in a much needed hug
.
“I’m going with you.”
I nodded against her shoulder, her smaller frame holding me up while I gathered that safely guarded wall I had been keeping around my heart for far too long.
Taking a deep breath, I saw the clarity of understanding reflected in her eyes.
“I’m right here, Kel. Whatever you need.”
I knew she meant every word, and I doubted she knew how much it meant to me.
“Thank you”
I stood in front of the full length mirror, a beige towel wrapped around my torso. My brow creased, a thick knot of uneasiness that had formed in the pit of my stomach over an hour ago still making its presence known under the fabric covering my chest. Two outfits hung above the vanity beside the mirror I stood staring into. One was what I would call my regular attire. A black pair of skinny jeans along with a blue, loose fitting top to cover what I knew to be my baby fat. When a woman had two children within the span of two years, that weight wasn’t easy to shed. My cheeks flushed in momentary shame as I thought about how many times I had doubted my beauty and myself after Avery’s birth.
Eyes closed, I took a deep breath readying myself for the night to come.
The stirring of excitement inside my belly was for the amazing family I hadn’t seen nearly as much as I should have these past six or so years. Between raising my girls, taking care of the cafe, and our everyday lives I had let my worry of seeing one man again overcome my desire to include the Jones’ in my girls’ lives as they grew.
I opened my eyes, looking toward the second outfit that hung in front of me. An elegant two piece dress with a low neck line that was surrounded by a gold chain necklace. The backless dress I had owned ever since my sister Aria’s wedding but never worn called to me, reigniting the strength I had lacked in recent weeks to move on with my life. To live, goddamn it. I was not going to be held back by a stupid fear that I would come in contact with the very man that I both hated and loved still so very deeply. It was as if he had engraved his name in the tissues of my heart; that was how present he still was in my soul.
He wouldn’t be there, I told myself. He wouldn’t dare have his step mother invite me if he was going to come barreling back into my now full and happy life.
Hearing rustling of fabric behind me, I met Meg’s violet eyes with my own.
Her eyebrow arched, as if a dare had been thrown.
“Did you pick?”
Nodding, I lifted my chin higher.
“Yes, I have.”
Miraculously, we pulled up to the large estate that housed six separate wings, all owned by either the Jones family or some of their closest friends. I looked up at it through the dashboard of the jeep at a loss for words. The place had to have more than ten floors and I was sure there would be a gym and tennis courts attached.
“Wow,” beside me, Meghan whispered. I nodded, just as shocked as she was.
Opening the door, I leaned into the backseat to retrieve the dinner rolls and croissants we made for tonight and my eyes met hers across the space.
“You sure you don’t want to duck out, Meg? We might wind up being here a while. I haven’t seen Elsa in I don’t know how long.”
Shaking her head vehemently, she quickly came around to the other side of the car with me. Insisting, she helped me with the two boxes of bread I balanced in my hands and we hooked arms as we neared the estate I had the sudden urge to get far, far away from.
Shit, what if he was here?
What if he had come to town, this town to find me? To make things right between us?
I shook my head at my wayward thoughts, knowing even if he had, it wouldn’t matter. I had long since abandoned the hope of finding my way back to Lucas Jones. Too much time had come and gone, too many scars had been cut into my heart from the agony, the sheer agony of waiting for him.
The entrance we found in front of the estate loomed large in front of me, as if it was goading me.
Would he be inside?
What would he say?
Would I still be as affected by him as I always had been?
Shit. I shook myself out of the sad path my thoughts were taking. I was stronger than a couple what ifs. Even if he was here, I would face him.
Like I had faced raising two daughters as a single parent, something I’d never given thought to before.
Like I had faced owning a business I knew hardly anything about before it opened yet now, I loved the cafe as if I was the one that bought it rather than my grandparents.
I could handle this, I told myself.
“You’ve got this, Kel.”
Meghan said from behind me and the confidence in her voice lured me that much closer to the door.
Knocking twice, I looked down to the locket that lay gently across the slope of my neck. It had been a gift from my mother, one I had cherished since my wedding close to six years ago.
It seemed crazy to me that it had really been that long.
“Kaelyn! Oh my god, I’m so thrilled you’re here!”
Colby, the youngest of the Jones family, stood in the doorway. Taking a step back, a grin spread across my face at the woman she’d grown up to be. She looked to be about twenty years old, though I knew she was only seventeen. She’d always been the bookworm of the clan, her head always stuck in either a book or her dearly loved Kindle e-reader.
“My gosh, Colby, you look so grown up! I didn’t know you were here, too.”
She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug, the essence of her warmth reminding me of yet another woman in Lucas’ life I had always been fond of.
His mother, Candace.
She was a spitfire and a sweetheart all wrapped up into one. Just like Colby.
“It’s so damn good to see you! How are you?”
We linked arms as we passed the entrance, and as she sprang into the animated details of her life now, my eyes darted back to Meghan’s only two steps behind me. She must have been thinking the same thing, because her lips tipped up into a sassy smile.
“You are just like your Mama, do you know that, Sweetie?”
The youngest of us all looked at me for a moment, her gray eyes wandering all over my face before she nodded solemnly.
“My daddy tells me that all the time.”
We rounded the corner of the parlor, and the walls opened up to reveal a huge kitchen, one that could only be described as the old fashioned, country living kind. Pine hardwood floors met our feet looking to be no more than six years old with how shiny and new they were. The kitchen island lay in the center of the room topped with a basket filled with Granny Smith apples, pears, and freshly grown bananas. The aroma of apple fritters hit my nose and my stomach protested immediately.
“You look famished, let’s go find Elsa and she’ll feed you.”
Colby pecked my cheek and headed towards the door, her feet moving so fast if I looked hard enough, I’d notice she was skipping.
Meghan burst out laughing the moment she was gone.
“You just had breakfast, Kel! How is your belly rumbling like a damn lion?”
Throwing out my hands in defeat, I laughed along with her.
“Have you smelled that apple pie in the oven, girl? I’m pretty sure I just came.”
My best friend’s mouth dropped open at that and I bit my lower lip, trying like hell to keep in my laugh. This was why I loved this girl like I did. When you put the two of us in the same room, I became the carefree, lighthearted, free woman I once was before I found out just how shitty life could be.
“Oh my God, Kel. You’re too much.”
Grinning, I bumped my hip into hers as we headed toward the voices heard upstairs.
Moving up the stairs behind Meghan, I was stopped short by the sight of three men sitting on a black leather couch. . Asher and Ben looked at me, the smiles and amusement stripping from their expressions as I looked at them with a mixture of surprise and confusion. I hadn’t expect
ed them all to be here but yet, I wasn’t truly sure what to expect coming here. The third man stood almost the moment I stepped into the room, his posture as rigid as stone, as if he was rearing up for the fight of his life.
I froze at the sight of him, standing in front of me in the flesh not even ten feet away. Like a deer in headlights, I just stared at him. God, how he had changed.
How the hell was he here? Why would he show up, here, now of all times?
It had been six years since I had laid my eyes on the man and yet, my body knew naturally how to react to the presence of him. My heartbeat sped impossibly faster, my spine tingled with a sense of awareness. My hands began to clam up while the hairs on the back of my neck rose as goosebumps formed on the surface of my feverish skin.
Lucas.
Holy mother of God.
Lucas.
His brilliant green eyes searched every inch of my skin while his hands clenched at his sides as if he was stopping himself from reaching out for me. The gray beanie resting low on his forehead the only stark difference I could find.
One question came to my mind, one that my heart couldn’t seem to answer as I studied the lines and the galleys of every exposed part of him I could get my eyes on.
Did he come for me?
His eyes were filled with a depth I knew all too well, a slew of emotions filling the olive eyes I had loved for oh so long. I didn’t have to wonder about where in them lay those spots of gold and silver, because they had been memorized years ago. His torso was covered by a black leather jacket and a matching shirt underneath, the jeans that rested just perfectly on his hips making it hard for me not to drop my eyes to the bulge I knew I’d see below his waistline. What drew my eyes up were the ink patterns winding their way up my ex-husband’s arms and shoulders. They were layered, scrawled scripts in different languages and symbols I couldn’t decipher, and they captured my attention completely.
“I swear I didn’t know he was going to be here, Honey. I know-“
Elsa’s sweet voice hit my ears and it took almost every strength I had inside me to tear my eyes away from him. His face tensed with what I thought was fear, as if he was afraid I would disappear right in front of him.
Breaking Lucas (Trinity series Book 2) Page 6