The Cowboy's Christmas Baby

by Carolyne Aarsen

  Dean was quiet a moment, then set the dustpan aside, catching her by the other hand. “So why did your mother leave?”

  Erin hadn’t been there that day when her father had ordered her mother and the girls off the ranch. But she’d heard about it from Jodie. Whispers under bedcovers in their grandmother’s house in Knoxville. Quiet conversations away from their mother who grew more withdrawn every day.

  “My parents didn’t have a happy marriage. Aunt Laura told my sisters that Mom got pregnant with me and Lauren before they were married so Dad stepped up to his responsibilities. He cut short his dream of becoming a marine and became a deputy instead. I guess things just went downhill from there.” Erin was disappointed at how her voice faltered, but she pushed on. “In the last years of their marriage Mom was cheating on him and when Dad found out, he told her to leave. Apparently there was even a time when Dad suspected Jodie wasn’t his daughter.”

  “And you girls? Didn’t he want you to stay with him?”

  “I don’t know. My mother never talked about it and she never sent us here. That happened after she died. Our grandmother thought Dad should take responsibility, and sent us here over the summer. I didn’t mind as much as my sisters did. I enjoyed being on the ranch.” She glanced over at the picture. “I loved going out with Dad to check the cows when they were calving. We’d ride all day, say practically nothing to each other, but it was a time of closeness that Lauren and Jodie never had with him. But he was still a complicated man.” She thought of the letter he had written to her full of apologies and regrets.

  Dean tipped her chin up with his finger and as she looked into his eyes she saw understanding, which slowly warmed to something else entirely. When he kissed her again, her hands clung to his, as if to anchor herself. Then he drew back and smiled. “I hope I’m not a complicated man.”

  She heard the underlying tone in his voice. The unspoken question.

  He wasn’t complicated, but he did create a complication. Working a man into her life wasn’t as easy as it once was. She now had Caitlin to think of.

  But behind that warning came the memory of Dean holding her baby. How happy he was that Sam wasn’t involved in their lives.

  This could work, she thought. This could happen.

  And it was that thought that made her kiss him again.

  Then she heard Caitlin rustling in her crib and Erin drew away.

  “I should go...” Her voice trailed off, breathless.

  Dean just grinned. “Yeah. You should.”

  Then he grabbed the dustpan to empty it out.

  She watched him go, bemused at how natural this felt. Having Dean in her house as they worked together.

  He shot a glance over his shoulder and his smile leaped across the distance between them.

  As she walked to the bedroom it was as if she could feel his eyes on her. Hope grew and she allowed herself hesitant glimpses of a future.

  And that’s when she got the text message.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “So. That’s finally done.” Dean set the last nail on the baseboards, then set the hammer and nail set aside. He was sweating and his leg hurt, but the job he and Erin had been working on all week was finished.

  Now, instead of dingy carpet, warm wood covered the floor, gleaming in the afternoon light.

  “It looks great,” Erin said, her hands on her hips as she surveyed the new flooring. “I can’t thank you enough.”

  He heard her thanks but sensed a tension that had been around since he’d arrived this morning. In fact it had started yesterday afternoon. After he kissed her.

  He’d gone over that moment again and again. She was so happy then and he’d felt a real connection between them.

  But when she went to get Caitlin she’d stayed so long in the bedroom he thought she wasn’t coming back and when she did, she seemed tense.

  “You’re welcome,” he said, carefully stretching out his cramped leg. He knew he’d pushed it a bit hard today, but in the last couple of days his movements felt less restricted. A month ago he would have been in agony by now. It was good to know the therapy was helping. “Are you sure it’s what you want? You seem, I don’t know, disappointed,” he hedged, wondering if she would say anything to explain her subdued mood.

  “I’m not. Truly.” And as if to underline her approval she rushed over and grabbed him in a tight hug.

  He wasn’t expecting it and he lost his balance and fell backward. Fortunately a wall was right behind him, but he twisted his bad knee, which sent a jolt of pain up his leg, clear into his skull.

  He clenched his teeth as he rode out the pain. Erin grabbed him by his shirt, hauling on him.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t think you would fall. I thought you were getting better.”

  Her words were well meant and to some extent she was right. He had been getting better. In fact, he had had gone riding with Vic last weekend. Sure, approaching the horse he had to fight down his fluttering nerves and dread, and yes, he had to take his time getting on, but once he was mounted, his fears stilled. And once they got going, riding up to check the cows to see if they needed to be moved had given him a glimpse of hope of a future on the ranch.

  He glanced over at Erin, who was watching him with guarded sympathy in her expression. Though he knew she was concerned, it still annoyed him. He didn’t want sympathy from her. He much preferred the admiration he’d just seen.

  “I’m okay,” he grunted even as the pain slowly subsided.

  “I’m sorry,” she said again, reaching out to him and he had to push aside his own wounded pride.

  “It’s okay. I’m still a little shaky on my feet,” he said, trying to ease away her concern with a joke. “Still a cripple.”

  Her eyes narrowed and she dropped her hands on her hips in a defensive posture. “Don’t talk about yourself like that,” she said her voice tight. Hard. “I hate it when you do that.”

  Her eyes were snapping and her mouth was tight and he got a glimpse of an agitation simmering since yesterday. She was always so easygoing, but she’d been kind of edgy all day. When he’d asked her if anything was wrong she’d brushed him off.

  He was about to ask her again but she turned away, gathering leftover pieces of baseboard and tossing them into the garbage box.

  He collected his tools, the two of them working in a strained silence he didn’t know how to break.

  A few moments later the tools were back in his truck, the furniture was back in place and it was getting dark. Almost supper time.

  Each day he’d worked here she had invited him for supper but today he had other plans.

  “So, to celebrate finishing the flooring I thought we could go to the Grill and Chill,” he said. “What do you think?” Though it wasn’t the most private place, he hoped they could talk and he could find out what was bothering her.

  Erin bit her lip as she looked away. “I...I don’t think that will work.”

  “Oh. Sure. Okay.” He felt dumb for assuming and as he saw her apologetic look he couldn’t help a feeling of foreboding.

  “I appreciate the invite,” she said, “But I’m tired and I thought I would just stay home. Make some sandwiches.”

  He was about to say that he didn’t mind, but he got the sense that she wasn’t inviting him to share said sandwiches. “Sure. That’s fine,” he said, wishing he sounded more casual than he felt.

  She looked at him then, but her expression was unreadable. For a panicky instant he thought she was going to tell him it was over, but then she laid her hands on his shoulders and stepping into his automatic embrace, she pressed a kiss to his lips, then laid her head on his chest.

  Puzzled at her varying emotions, he held her close, laying his head on hers.

  “You mean a lot to me, you know,”
she said.

  Her comment should have encouraged him, but the somber tone of her voice created a niggle of unease.

  “And you to me,” he said, holding her even closer, as if to stop whatever hovered behind her. A shadow. Something he couldn’t put his finger on.

  She was the first to pull away and he laid his finger under her chin, gently tilting her face up to his. “Is everything okay?”

  She nodded, but her eyes skittered away from him and he knew she was hiding something. But he also guessed she wasn’t going to tell him.

  Then Caitlin started crying and Erin pulled away, hurrying to the bedroom. He heard the baby stop and then Erin’s soothing voice as she changed her daughter.

  Dean waited until she came back, still uncomfortable with how things were between them but not sure how or what he had to fix.

  Erin came out of the bedroom holding Caitlin up against her, the baby’s head tucked into her neck. Dean felt his insides melt at the sight and he wanted to take Caitlin from Erin. Hold her himself.

  He was surprised at how paternal he felt about the little girl. There was a little curl of panic inside him at the thought that things were off between him and Caitlin’s mother.

  “I’m going now,” he said as Erin looked up at him. “Will I see you tomorrow? At church?”

  “Of course.” Her matter-of-fact tone reassured him.

  “Good. Do you want me to pick you up?”

  “Thanks, but I’d like to take my own car. Just in case Caitlin’s not feeling well. But I’ll be in church.”

  Again he felt brushed aside.

  “Okay. Well, if I don’t see you there, then I’ll be back Monday to finish up the siding.”

  He took a chance and walked to her side, bending over to brush a gentle kiss on her cheek, then on Caitlin’s head. “See you both tomorrow,” he whispered, touching the baby’s soft hair.

  He caught Erin’s expression then and saw a yearning in her eyes. But as he left he couldn’t completely erase his concern.

  * * *

  Caitlin twisted and wriggled as Erin got to her feet to sing the opening songs of the church service. All the way to church this morning Caitlin had been squirming in her car seat as if she didn’t want to go.

  As if she sensed the stress her mom was dealing with.

  “Do you want me to take her?” Dean asked as she tried to settle her daughter.

  “It’s okay. If she gets really bad I’ll take her downstairs.”

  He held her eyes, his gaze questioning, but Erin looked away, trying to still her disquiet as she followed the singing. Sam’s text on Friday afternoon had unnerved her. He was supposed to be out of her life. Supposed to be leaving her alone.

  She hadn’t responded, but he’d sent a few more on Saturday morning. Then he’d called. She hadn’t answered and he’d left a message. She knew she should have ignored the voice mail, but she couldn’t. His too-familiar voice told her that he wanted her back in his life and needed to talk to her.

  When Dean came yesterday to finish the flooring, she hadn’t been able to shed the clawing feelings of trepidation. Consequently she’d been out of sorts with Dean and she guessed he sensed it.

  She shot him a quick sidelong glance and was rewarded with a wide smile and the light touch of his hand on her shoulder. But she could see the questions in his eyes. She knew he had picked up on her anxiety.

  She forced her attention back to the song, trying to draw strength and encouragement from the words.

  “Though the earth beneath me move, though the heavens move mightily, God who holds the stars will never abandon me.”

  Erin clung to the promise given to her not only in the song but also in the many Bible passages she’d been reading the past while. Though she had turned away from God, she knew He had always been there, waiting for her to come back. And now, as she stood beside Dean, she felt the assurance of that promise.

  And yet Sam hovered in the background.

  What did he want now? What did he hope would happen?

  Caitlin tossed her head back again and let out a little cry. Erin knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the sermon if Caitlin got worse.

  She tapped Dean on the shoulder to get his attention and he bent his head to catch her words.

  “I’m going to bring her to the nursery,” she said.

  “You want me to come with you?” he asked, touching her shoulder in a gesture that was both assuring and comforting.

  “I’ll be okay.”

  She grabbed the diaper bag she had packed that morning and walked down the aisle, catching people’s understanding smiles as she left.

  Why had she thought she would be met with condemnation, she wondered as she walked down the steps? Since she had come back to Saddlebank as a single mother, the only time she’d felt uncomfortable was when Kelly had made her somewhat snide comment her first day here about how people could change. For the rest, everyone had been unfailingly understanding and caring.

  And then there was Dean...

  Again she felt a shiver of apprehension as thoughts of Sam shadowed thoughts of Dean. She and Dean were becoming closer and she had allowed herself hazy dreams of a future with him.

  But as she walked down the stairs to the nursery, second thoughts dogged every step.

  I need to tell him.

  And hopefully when she did, Dean would understand.

  She followed the signs to the nursery. As she came to the large counter between the hallway and the nursery, a woman with long dark hair and expressive amber eyes saw her and hurried over.

  Abby Bannister. Erin remembered that she would be taking the photographs at Jodie and Finn’s wedding and that she was married to their distant cousin, Lee Bannister.

  “Hey, Erin, did you give up on keeping her in church?” she asked, grabbing a clipboard and a pen and setting them in front of Erin.

  “She’s been fussy. I can stay with her.”

  “No need for that. We’ll take care of her.” Abby grabbed a page of stickers and quickly wrote Caitlin’s name on one without asking. Again Erin had that feeling of belonging.

  “Any special instructions?” Abby asked as she pasted a sticker on the back of Caitlin’s little dress.

  “She’s been fed and changed. There is a bottle in the bag if she needs it and a second set of clothes.” Erin first handed her Caitlin, then the oversize bag that she had spent all morning packing up, unpacking and packing again. “I think everything is in there. If she cries, you’ll call me, right?”

  Abby’s encouraging smile made her feel like she was being overly cautious. “Her number is 28. We’ll flash it on the screen if she gets out of control.”

  Erin nodded, knowing this was for the best. Then, before she could change her mind, she hurried back the way she came. She wanted to be with Dean. To be standing beside him, worshipping. Being connected by their shared faith.

  * * *

  The last notes of the final song resounded through the sanctuary and Dean felt a sense of well-being wash over him. The sermon was encouraging and the songs uplifting.

  But almost as important, Erin had sat beside him through the service, her hand twined in his.

  It was as if the discomfort of yesterday was eased away in the space of the service. He thought she might be uncomfortable with Caitlin downstairs, but she didn’t seem bothered by it.

  And it was nice to spend time with her, even if it was in church, just the two of them.

  He turned to Erin and was pleased to see her return his smile with a broad one of her own.

  “I should get Caitlin,” she said as people dispersed.

  “Before you do, I’d like to ask you if you’d be willing to come to my mom’s place for lunch.”

  She gave him a peculiar look
. Had he pushed things too quickly? Though he’d had lunch last week with her aunt, it still seemed different for her to come to his mother’s place. He felt as if it took their relationship to another level. Meeting parents made their situation more permanent and formal.

  But then her bright smile melted away his misgivings. “I’d love to,” she said, touching his arm with her hand.

  He wanted to say more, but just then Keira and Tanner Fortier joined them. Tanner held a baby in the crook of one arm, looking as if he had done this all his life.

  Keira caught Erin by the arm, grinning at her. “Hey, cousin, I haven’t had a chance to see you since you came.”

  He saw Erin’s face twist and she caught Keira in a hug. “It’s been ages,” she said, her voice muffled against Keira’s neck. Then they pulled back, still holding onto each other’s arms, their eyes looking each other over as if taking stock of the changes time had wrought.

  Dean knew some of Keira’s story. Knew that she and Tanner were once engaged. That Keira had mysteriously called it off and then disappeared for a while. She had come back to Saddlebank to take over her father’s saddle-making business. When Tanner had come back to get his own saddle repaired they had gotten back together again. Now they were married.

  Even though the circumstances were different, their story gave Dean hope for his own happy-ever-after with Erin.

  They were chattering away, intently catching up so Dean tapped Erin lightly on the shoulder. “I’ll get Caitlin,” he said.

  Erin glanced over and looked like she was about to protest.

  “I won’t drop her,” he said with a half smile.

  “I wasn’t thinking that,” she sputtered.

  Then he gave her a grin to show her he was teasing. “Just stay. You two look like you need to catch up. I’ll be right back.”

  To his surprise Erin nodded. So he left and while he made his careful way down the stairs he sent up a prayer that he wouldn’t fall down. He waited in line to get Caitlin, exchanging smiles with the other mothers and feeling very much a sensitive and caring man. But when it finally came time for him he found out that Caitlin was gone. Jodie had already been there and had taken her. Stifling his annoyance at the missed chance to prove himself capable of helping Erin and capable of doing this small job, he turned to leave.