Hello, Heartbreak

by Amy Huberman

  My nose was practically shoved into his as he held me off the ground with his right arm.

  ‘Your butt looks exquisite.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  After he’d made sure both my feet were planted firmly back on the floor, he reached for the glass bowl on the shelving unit and emptied out the sequins and buttons that’d fallen off our clothes over the last four years. We were still getting around to sewing them back on.

  We hunched down on our knees and untied the knots in the plastic bags. For such a simple task, it took an extraordinarily long time because we’d been drinking for approximately six hours.

  ‘Look at Irene – she’s going nuts.’

  ‘Same with Grainne. They can’t wait to get in there.’

  ‘I don’t think Irene likes being away from Grainne.’

  ‘No, and Grainne certainly doesn’t like being kept away from Irene.’

  I watched Irene wiggle about excitedly in the bag. He smiled at me, and I studied all the new freckles he’d got across his nose from being in the sun.

  ‘I know how Irene feels.’ He’d said it quietly but the words screamed in my ears. The blood rushed to my head and I barely heard myself when I told him I missed not being in his apartment. His expression remained the same, but he held my eyes, his face so close to mine that I could hear him breathe. And even though the room was spinning because I was half cut, I couldn’t look away. I just stayed there, entranced by the flecks of gold in his green eyes as Grainne flipped about wildly in the bag in my right hand.

  ‘Don’t forget Ursula!’

  We jumped back as Susie plopped herself on to the floor and emptied her bag into the glass bowl. ‘Keelin is so irresponsible.’ She peered into the bowl. ‘Put the others in!’ She clapped. Gavin caught my eye and winked. I could feel myself blushing.

  We poured Grainne and Irene into the bowl and sat back as they whirred around in circles in their new home. Irene ate a stray sequin and promptly spat it back out. Ah, Irene, you’re so mad, I thought.

  Gavin took my empty mug and his empty glass off the shelving unit and said he was going into the kitchen to fill them up. I gazed dreamily at his lovely toned arms as he moved across the room. ‘Gavin just lifted me up. He’s so strong,’ I cooed to Susie

  ‘Were you guys doing Dirty Dancing moves?’

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘Gavin’s great,’ she squeaked, through a hiccup, and fell back on to the sheepskin rug.

  ‘He is, isn’t he?’ I said, joining her on it.

  ‘I think those guys are talking about threesomes,’ she said, after a moment or two. I lifted my head a few inches and looked at the three horn dogs sitting at the other end of the fireplace. Yellow T-shirt’s girlfriend was still sobbing in the opposite corner. When I turned back, Susie was fast asleep.

  I struggled to my feet and went to the kitchen to find Gavin. He was shaking up some gross cocktail of Guinness and whiskey. When I told him there was no way I could drink it, he lashed in some apple juice. At that point I realized my bladder was about to burst and made for the bathroom.

  Before I used the loo, I decided to check my makeup in my bedroom – technically, I’d applied it yesterday so Heroin Chic might have struck during the course of the evening. I opened my bedroom door, sashayed over to my dressing-table and tripped on something. I landed flat on my bed. The ‘something’ turned out to be Caroline and Marcus in a passionate clinch.

  ‘Snared, you secretive secret keepers!’ All Caroline could do was giggle and I said a heartfelt prayer of thanks to the patron saint of vestments that they were both fully clothed. ‘Get back to work,’ I said, left the room and shut the door behind me. The hotpress light was on, so I flung open the door to make sure no one had put the cocktail sausages in our linen basket. The only thing in the linen basket was a man’s leg. The other was braced against the wall, and Keelin was perched on Simon. I was about to ask her why she’d have sex in the hotpress, which was the size of a kitchen cupboard, when she had her own double bed across the landing, but I realized it might ruin the moment for them – their first time and all that.

  ‘Hi, Shymon!’ I said.

  ‘Don’t mind her, she slurs when she’s pissed.’ Keelin slammed the door before I could say anything else. For the best, probably.

  It was like a brothel up there. I headed for the bathroom, hoping I wouldn’t find someone having a shag in the bath.

  I sat on the loo, rocking from side to side, and decided I’d probably have to pass on Gavin’s latest concoction. It had been such a good night, though, hadn’t it? My tummy muscles were sore from laughing. Nice one – gyms were so overrated. Just get locked and laugh your arse off with your mates instead. What was the big deal? Why had I been dreading tonight so much?

  It was only when I tried to remember, through the fog of alcohol, what I’d been trying to forget all night that it hit me.

  I’d had sex with Cian on Monday. He had reappeared in my life, telling me he was still in love with me, that Edna had been a terrible mistake and he wanted me back. Holy shit. The reality of what had happened crashed into me with the force of a charging bull, and nearly knocked me off the loo.

  Cian was back.

  And I’d slept with him four nights ago.

  Oh, my God!

  I got off the loo, zipped myself up, washed my hands and headed out of the bathroom like a robot. I walked down the stairs, straight out of the front door, climbed onto my bike, not without some difficulty, and pedalled off to find him.

  27

  After I’d rung the bell I sat on Cian’s porch and waited while I listened to someone moving about upstairs. My heart was in my mouth as the sound of his footsteps descended the stairs. What if Edna answered the door? No, she wouldn’t – they’d been living at her place together. Keys jangled and the Chubb lock clicked, the latch slid back and the door creaked open.

  ‘Hi,’ I said.

  ‘Hi.’

  He sat down on the porch beside me. He studied my face as I looked at the houses on the opposite side of the road. We were silent for a while.

  ‘You want to come in?’

  ‘I’m not sure.’

  ‘Okay.’

  A black cat jumped down from the wall across the road and stopped in its tracks when it spotted us. The moonlight glinted in its eyes before it darted off behind a group of bins.

  ‘I’ll come in.’

  ‘Okay.’

  He led me into his sitting room, where he flicked on a small lamp over the television. I stood there awkwardly. ‘I’m not sure why I’m here.’

  ‘I’m glad you are.’

  I looked at him. His arms were folded and his shoulders were propped against the wall. He was wearing a pair of boxers, his hair was messy and his eyes were groggy with sleep. ‘I’m sorry I woke you.’

  ‘You’ve woken me every night this week.’ He smiled. ‘I just can’t get you out of my head.’

  ‘Have you been listening to Kylie Minogue?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  Another silence fell. I inched my way over to the couch and perched on the edge, wishing my mind was clearer and my balance steadier. I willed myself to sober up, but started hiccuping instead.

  He disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a glass of water. He got down on his hunkers in front of me, took my hand and closed it around the glass.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said, between hiccups. Water splashed out of the glass onto my jeans. ‘Oops,’ I said.

  ‘Iz? You okay? Try and drink some.’

  ‘I think I may have to lie down.’ I started to lean to the left, in the hope that I’d eventually land in a horizontal position on the length of the couch. But Cian got there first and caught me.

  ‘Come on, you.’

  ‘No, I’m fine here. Night, night.’

  ‘No arguments. Come on.’ He started to lift me.

  ‘Excuse me, Professor H two O,’ I said, shrugging him off. ‘I’m fine h
ere.’

  ‘Why don’t you just lie on the bed? You’ll be much more comfortable.’

  ‘Because I don’t –hic – want to – hic – have sex with you.’

  ‘No offence, baby, but I’m not exactly turned on right now.’

  ‘Don’t be such an arsehole,’ I said, trying to punch his arm, missing and whacking the side of the couch instead.

  When he’d eventually wrestled me up to his room, he laid me on his bed and took off my shoes.

  ‘Enough!’ I said gruffly. ‘I’m – hic – staying in my clothes.’ I pulled his duvet around me and told him he could sleep in the cold for being a two-timing prick.

  He climbed onto the other side of the bed.

  ‘Where’s Saffron tonight?’

  ‘Izzy, I’ve told you. We’ve broken up. If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone.’

  I smiled in the darkness and closed my eyes. The room went quiet and I was asleep in seconds.

  I woke up the next morning convinced that if I didn’t get water into me in the next seven to ten seconds, I’d die. I flicked off the duvet and jumped out of bed, heard a dull thud and landed back in a crumpled heap on the mattress.

  The dull thud, I found out when I came to four minutes later, had been the sound of my skull hitting Cian’s bedroom wall.

  ‘I forgot I was here,’ I said groggily, looking up at him as he collected me in his arms and cradled me.

  ‘You all right?’ he said, trying to hide a smile.

  ‘No.’ He rubbed my head as it throbbed. ‘I forgot I was here,’ I repeated. ‘You can’t jump out of that side of the bed, I remember now, because it’s pushed up against a wall.’

  ‘That’s correct. You have to get out my side.’ He brushed my hair away from my face and stroked my forehead with his fingertips. I swallowed hard and tried to figure out whether to move or not. I discovered I didn’t want to.

  His smile slowly disappeared and his expression changed. His eyes bored into mine. I held my breath as he moved his hand and knotted his fingers with mine.

  ‘I hate you,’ I whispered.

  ‘Well, too bad, I love you.’

  He bent his face to mine and kissed me softly. In slow motion we removed each other’s clothes. He touched me gently yet passionately and the familiarity of his hands made me want to burst. He kept his eyes on mine the entire time we made love, and when it was finished, he rolled over and pulled me onto his chest, stroking my hair and my back. His fingers swept down my arm, and he grasped my hand tightly.

  ‘I’m so glad you’re back,’ he said, twirling my hair between the fingers of his other hand. I searched for something to say or some definitive emotion to cling to amid the rush of a hundred. Was I back? I gave up, buried my face in his neck and waited for him to speak again.

  ‘Will I get you that glass of water?’

  ‘That would be great.’ I giggled. ‘And a hard hat in case I entertain any more notions of getting out of bed.’

  I watched him slide out of bed and climb back into his boxers.

  ‘Do you want some toast?’

  ‘Do you cook now?’

  ‘I know how to burn a thing or two.’

  ‘Lovely. I’ll have a slice of burnt toast, so.’

  As soon as he left the room I fell back on the bed, aware that my entire body was as tense as a taut rope. I wanted to smile, but I wanted to scream too. What happens when he comes back with the toast? Does the world really work like this? Is Fate telling me that the one you’re meant to be with shows up again in the end? After all that’s happened?

  My train of thought was interrupted by Cian’s mobile vibrating under a bundle of clothes on the floor. My heart jumped into my mouth as I bolted upright in the bed. Cian’s mobile phone and I did not have a good history. I shouldn’t look. But I had a right to, didn’t I? After the last time? I needed to look, just once – I mean, why was someone calling him at nine thirty on a Saturday morning? Or should I say who?

  I jumped off the bed and scuttled onto the floor, rummaging furiously through the clothes to find his phone. When I unearthed it, I stared at the screen incredulously as it flashed in my hands.

  A girl’s name. One I didn’t recognize.

  My breathing got shallower and quicker as I waited for a voicemail to come through. As soon as it did, I watched myself press the buttons to listen to it. I could hear my heart banging as I waited for it to connect. You have one new voice message.

  ‘Baby, it’s me again…’ It was her. ‘Look, I know you’re cross with me, but you have to believe me that it was a once-off. I was drunk. He means nothing to me. It didn’t mean anything, I swear! How many times can I say it? Come on, Cian.’ There was a pause while she sighed heavily. ‘You can’t just keep ignoring my calls. Call me back.’

  There are no new messages. Beep.

  I threw the phone hard against the wall and watched it smash before it landed in pieces on the wooden floor.

  28

  Rathmines village was inconveniently busy. It was Saturday morning and the shops had just opened their shutters. I hated being there among the congested pockets of people, aimlessly wading through them, desperate to get away and out of my clothes, which smelt of Cian’s bed. To crawl out of my skin, which still tingled from his touch. To shut out my mind as it screamed to me of what had just happened.

  Mostly I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest. My cheeks were scalded as hot tears washed down my face. I couldn’t hear myself crying, but I could feel the sobs as they resonated in my chest.

  I searched the streets for a taxi, but there was none in sight. I had been in such a hurry to get out of his place, I’d left my lovely bike behind. That was another reason to hate him. I went to the nearest bus stop, failing to apologize as I bashed into people. I stood in front of the twirly bus timetable thingy and spun it distractedly, not even knowing what bus I should be looking up or if I was even on the right side of the road.

  ‘Excuse me,’ I wailed, to the blurred blob on my left. ‘Does the thirty-nine stop here?’ Jesus, I was actually wailing like a child in a toyshop pestering for a Barbie.

  ‘I’m not sure. I only ever get the one sixteen.’ The human being inched away until I couldn’t see him at all any more.

  ‘Oh,’ I howled, spinning the bus-timetable thing fruitlessly again.

  I plonked myself down on a low wall behind the bus stop and scanned the road for an approaching bus. Nothing.

  A little girl in a cute green duffel coat was skipping down the path hand in hand with her mother and I managed a half-smile as she stared at me inquisitively.

  ‘Look, Mum, a junkie!’ she said, pointing at me. Her mother tugged her away, hissing at her to be quiet and remember what she’d told her about junkies having ‘those dangerous needles’. I wanted to laugh, but I cried some more instead.

  In fact, I cried pretty much all the way home on the 39. I cried all the way up Pearse Street, past Odds and Sods, up my road and into my house.

  ‘Oh, fuck.’

  Keelin stood in the living room, staring at me, as I let a gut-wrenching wail escape from my lungs, just in case she hadn’t already gathered the state I was in.

  Susie ran out of the kitchen with a wedge of folded bread hanging out of her mouth. She pulled it out and said, ‘Oh, fuck.’

  I dropped to the floor, crawled over to the sheepskin rug and collapsed onto it. I wanted to climb into the fireplace, up the chimney and hide there for the rest of my life. Keelin and Susie fell to their knees and followed me on to the rug.

  ‘Where have you come from? I thought you were in your room.’

  ‘I was at Cian’s.’

  ‘Oh, Jesus.’

  Susie grabbed a tissue and rubbed at the unsightly snot trails loitering on my top lip. ‘What happened?’

  I could barely get the words out as they battled against the sobs.

  ‘He arrived here out of the blue on Monday evening,’ I started, not caring what they’d think. I was too crushed to
deal with this on my own. ‘We fought, I cried, he said he was still in love with me, that Edna had been a huge mistake, that he wanted me back…’

  Susie and Keelin gasped and went pale.

  ‘Then I told him to fuck off. I left the house but he followed me and we ended up in a bar and then back in his place. We had sex on his kitchen table. It was horrible.’

  ‘Oh, Jesus,’ they breathed in unison. Susie pulled me into a hug. I cried my heart out into her chest. She pushed the tear-soaked hair away from my face.

  ‘I couldn’t think straight all week. Just when I thought that door was closed, he came back and flung it open again. I was doing so well, I’d made so much progress, I’d been trying so hard to forget him. The selfish bastard…’ My face crumpled again. ‘He’s been leaving messages all week saying he still loves me, that we can get through this together, that he’s back for good and I won’t be able to change how he feels, no matter how hard I resist.’

  ‘So what happened last night?’ Keelin asked.

  ‘I left here about three in the morning. I had to see him all of a sudden. The enormity of it all just struck me. All the feelings I had for him, have for him, that I’ve been trying so hard to block out, suddenly it was like I was allowed to feel them again… So I left and cycled over to his apartment, which was not a good idea as I skidded and now not only do I have a broken heart but I have a broken light too. And a graze on my knee! And I left my bike behind!’ I knew I was being a touch too dramatic, but I didn’t care. ‘I was fairly pissed at that stage, so he put me in his bed, fully clothed, and I conked out. But this morning…’ The words choked at the back of my throat and fresh tears brimmed. ‘I’ve never got over him.’

  ‘We know,’ Susie said, her arm still around me. ‘Go on.’

  ‘We had sex again, but it was different this time. He kept looking at me in this way that was different… and it was amazing… and I thought that maybe, you know, we were still in love with each other… that it was mutual… that my life could get back on track again… that someone had put this horrible pause on it for the past ten months and now I had it back… and maybe I had him back too… that I could stop pretending I was fine without him…’