Hello, Heartbreak

by Amy Huberman

  He was right. Why did I think I was so special? Everyone had been shat on at one time or another. Millions of women had faced what I was facing now. Well, it was time to grow up. I was going to do a pregnancy test. Then I was going to tell my friends and family. And then I was going to tell Cian.

  I didn’t even notice I was crying until Laurence wiped a tear from my cheek.

  ‘Thanks,’ I whispered.

  ‘Why don’t you call Gavin, see when he’s coming back from Belfast? You two are as thick as thieves. And you always manage to put each other in good spirits, no matter how stressed out you are.’

  After a moment or two I managed to find my voice. ‘Yeah,’ I replied, and moved back to my desk before I choked up entirely.

  That Thursday, as I stared at my untouched Cup-a-Soup, wondering how on earth those coloured flecky bits turned into fully fledged vegetables with just a splash of hot water, Gavin walked into the office.

  He was here.

  Jesus Christ.

  Standing right in front of me. Just like that.

  I wanted to be sick. Proper projectile hose-type sick. The kind that sprays a hundred metres and looks much like the lumpy vegetable slop that was congealing in the mug in front of me.

  But what caught me off-guard most was the overwhelming attraction I felt for him. It was radiating out of my pores. I couldn’t hide it. It was so physically overpowering that I was convinced everyone else would see it. A neon sign must have lit up over my head flashing, ‘GAVIN, PLEASE REMOVE YOUR CLOTHES SO I CAN HAVE SEX WITH YOU.’

  I wanted to hide.

  I wanted to walk over to the filing cabinet, chuck all the files out and climb inside.

  How had I failed to notice until now what a complete and utter ride he was? I mean, I always knew he was handsome but, honestly, my head was going to explode with the amount of blushing I was doing. Jesus, look at him! His pale blue jumper made his eyes glow a beautiful golden green and his skin look like toffee. His dark hair had grown since I’d seen him. It hung around his face, messy and unkempt, but so incredibly sexy. Okay, I knew I’d missed him, but this was different. I certainly didn’t feel this way about all my friends when I hadn’t seen them in a few weeks. I had flashbacks to that night in my house when I’d wanted to kiss him. And that dream.

  I kept my eyes firmly on the Cup-a-Soup and began stirring it fiercely, not knowing what else to do. I mean, even though I wanted to, crawling under my desk, shutting my eyes and sticking my fingers in my ears wasn’t a valid option.

  ‘You beating an egg, Isobel?’ Eve asked, her face scrunched up in disgust. ‘You going to make yourself an omelette for lunch? Chop a few onions in the loo for it, perhaps? You’ve been watching too much Ready, Steady Cook if you ask me. I’ll tell you something, though, you could probably cook the omelette on your head with the heat your face is generating. Why are you so red?’

  Had Eve actually said those words? Out loud? In our tiny office? With Gavin standing only a few feet away?

  ‘You’re nearly purple. Did you put on too much blusher this morning? You probably buy that cheap supermarket stuff. Awful on you now, I have to say, just awful.’

  God, make her shut up!

  ‘Are you sick, Izzy, love?’ Geraldine joined in. ‘Have you still got the scuts?’

  Why were they saying these things?

  ‘A bit of white bread will clog you up lovely.’

  Oh. Fucking. Hell.

  We still hadn’t made proper eye contact. I just kept stealing little glances at him while he was looking away. He chatted to the others for a bit, then unloaded his stuff onto his desk. Eve started speaking like she was in a Bond movie again, her preferred tone whenever Gavin was about. She must have thought it was sexy. To me she sounded as if she had tonsillitis.

  Geraldine filled him in on all the goings-on in her domestic hell. That her daughter was in third year now, and even though it was only October, she had already developed mild alopecia over the stress of the Junior Cert, and her son had taken to blaring Metallica at three thirty in the morning in protest at not being allowed to get Sky Sports installed.

  Next Laurence was telling him about his new colour-coded system for production-manager receipts. ‘Don’t be scabby, don’t be mean, if you have production-manager receipts, file away under green.’ Gavin repeated it back and told Laurence that secondary colours didn’t get the recognition they deserved any more and that he should set up the Secondary Colours of Ireland Association to preserve their heritage.

  ‘Oh, that’s right, mock me.’ Laurence laughed. ‘We have missed you, though, Gav,’ he said, under his breath. ‘Eve is driving us mad, imposing her wedding plans on us. Maybe you can get her to shut up for five minutes. I swear to God, if I hear another word about Egyptian cotton napkins or gold-embossed place cards I’m going to ram my stapler down her throat. You are definitely a sight for sore eyes in this Godforsaken place. Isn’t that right, Izzy?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Haven’t we missed Gavin?’

  ‘Um-hum,’ I mumbled, in the hope that no one would know what I was talking about and leave me alone to get on with wanting to die.

  Laurence’s phone rang and he ducked away to answer it, leaving Gavin and me entwined in a horrific awkward silence.

  If my face could have gone any redder, it did.

  ‘Hi,’ he said, after a moment or two. He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. My stomach lurched with disappointment.

  ‘How are you?’ I said, in what might just have passed for English, but came out more like Japanese. My heart was racing and my hands slid off the desk with all the sweat my palms were producing. They landed on my lap like two dead fish.

  ‘Fine. Everything’s cool. You?’

  Well, I’m pregnant. A complete and utter mistake from a complete and utter other mistake. Which is shit, really, because I want to jump your bones. I didn’t say that because I live in the real world and not some Hugh Grant movie. Unfortunately.

  Was I in love with Gavin?

  Holy shit!

  ‘Fine, fine,’ I said, in real-world speak.

  ‘That’s good,’ he said, turned away and switched on his computer.

  This was awful.

  I put my hands to my head and prayed for the day to end. It did, eventually. But not in the five seconds I’d asked Mary, Jesus and Holy St Joseph for. Oh, no, just the regular sixty-minutes-in-an-hour way. The painfully slow way.

  When the clock finally dragged its minute hand to five o’clock I jumped up and turned off my computer.

  ‘’Bye, guys,’ I said, trying to be chirpy. I had endured three hours of pure hell. Three hours of staring at the back of Gavin’s beautiful neck in an agonizing silence as he worked away. Wanting to kiss it. Wanting to scream. He never looked around. Not once. And I thought I’d suffocate with sadness.

  ‘’Bye, Izzy,’ they chorused, as they packed up their bags and got ready for home.

  34

  I woke up in a panic at two twenty-five a.m., shaking and sweating. I had to tell someone. I felt so alone, so scared, that I had to let somebody help me through this nightmare. I had to tell someone about Gavin, about the baby.

  I jumped out of bed and scurried through the dark to Keelin’s room.

  ‘Keelin!’ I cried, flinging her door open. ‘Keelin, are you in here?’

  ‘What? Of course I am,’ she answered groggily. ‘It’s my bedroom and it’s night-time – where the hell did you think I’d be? Outside picking daisies?’

  ‘Keelin, I’m scared.’

  ‘Izzy, it’s just a credit-card bill. We all get them. Just bring a few things back. Or hide it under your bed for a few more days until you’ve come to terms with it.’

  ‘I’m pregnant. Remember I had sex with Cian? Well, now I’m pregnant.’

  ‘Whaaat?’ That had come from Susie’s room.

  Next thing I knew we were all sitting on the kitchen floor, drinking sweet tea. I’m not quite sure what the sitting on t
he floor was about, but nothing says ‘crisis’ like it. Like you’re too traumatized even to contemplate furniture.

  ‘Is anyone else’s arse getting numb?’

  ‘A bit.’

  ‘How long have we been sitting here?’

  ‘An hour.’

  Dermot was at our feet. He was delighted to have nocturnal company.

  ‘You know, I was just thinking… I mean, it’s an option… maybe.’

  Keelin and Susie looked at me.

  ‘It’s – well, some women do go to England, you know, and –’

  Susie took my hand. ‘I don’t think you really mean that.’

  I looked down at Dermot. No, I didn’t suppose I did. You clutch at straws when you’re desperate, but I couldn’t really see myself going down that route.

  ‘Izzy,’ said Keelin, ‘we’re going to get a pregnancy test tomorrow. We can figure out where to go from there. Yeah?’

  I bit my lip. Where would I be without these girls?

  The next afternoon Keelin and Susie headed off to Boots while I stayed at home. They were afraid I’d wrestle the kit out of their hands at the last minute, not wanting to face the music. And they had a point. So I sat with Dermot on the couch, ran through baby names and wondered whether or not it would be cruel for my child to take rides on his back every now and again. I mean, he was a very big rabbit.

  The doorbell rang. That couldn’t be the girls back already? I lifted myself off the couch and shuffled to the front door, praying it wasn’t Aidan. I couldn’t handle him this morning, going on about Guy Ritchie and London gangsters. I might have to pour my glass of water over his head. But then he’d petrol bomb our letterbox and shred the contents of my wardrobe and…

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘What the hell do you want?’ I spat, shocked at how little I could hide my distaste.

  ‘Izzy, please, just hear me out,’ he said. ‘I know I don’t deserve any more chances, but I want to give you something. That’s all. And afterwards, if you never want to see me again, I promise I won’t bother you.’

  ‘What is it? A signed copy of Social Scene?’ I asked, with stony sarcasm.

  ‘I deserved that.’ He hung his head.

  ‘Cian, what are you doing here? Saffron didn’t take you back so you need to use me again in another bid to get her attention?’

  ‘Please, Izzy, I just came around with your bicycle and to give you this. I don’t want to fight.’

  ‘How noble of you,’ I said, incensed by his woe-is-me charade. ‘Go away.’ I started to close the door. I didn’t want him there when the girls got back. I wanted time on my own. Time with my own thoughts and then with the people who really cared about me.

  ‘Izzy, wait.’ He stopped the door with his hand. ‘Just read this. That’s all I ask. Please.’ He had a letter in his hand and held it out to me, pleading with his eyes. ‘Just read it,’ he repeated, after I’d taken it, and walked away.

  I sat on the couch with the envelope in my hands, staring at the familiar handwriting. I flipped it over, tore the seal open and lifted out the folded piece of paper inside.

  Izzy,

  First, words cannot express how disgusted I am at my own behaviour. If I hadn’t acted like the biggest prick on the face of the planet, I wouldn’t have had the need to sit down and write you this letter in the first place. But I did. And you will never, ever know the extent of my remorse because of it. If I never get you back, well, that’s just the regret that I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life. The knowledge that I fucked everything up by being a stupid, selfish, immature idiot.

  Izzy, I want you to know that you have always been my girl. And whatever temporary loss of insanity I suffered that made me stray from you, I’ll never understand. But if you take me back I swear to God I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

  I’m lost without you Izzy, please let me love you again.

  Cian xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  I rested the letter on my lap. It was all I’d ever wanted to hear from him. And as the tears trickled down my face and onto the page, I cried for everything that had changed, for bad timing, for knowing that this had come too late, and that I didn’t love him any more.

  I was head over heels in love with Gavin. It was like a lightbulb had flicked on in my head. I was in love with Gavin. I loved Gavin. There it was. Simple.

  Except not simple at all because I was carrying Cian’s baby. I was stuck in no man’s land with a life I didn’t want. And the one I did want so temptingly close, but so utterly unreachable.

  What was I like? I didn’t know if Gavin even felt the same way. He probably didn’t. I mean, he probably would have said something if he did. I wished I’d figured it out before I’d got pregnant, so then if he’d told me he only saw me as a friend I wouldn’t have died wondering. It would be difficult, but I’d eventually get over it.

  I looked at the Tiffany bracelet on my wrist. All the hints I’d given Cian over the years and it had never even struck him. And Gavin had given me this beautiful and thoughtful present out of the blue.

  Said everything, really.

  I sat in the middle of the room, like a figurine in a snow globe waiting for the pieces of her fragmented world to settle around her.

  Not long after he’d gone, the doorbell rang again. Here we go. He was back. I didn’t love him, but we had a responsibility to do the right thing. Maybe we could make things work for the sake of the baby. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

  ‘Jesus!’ I screamed.

  ‘Wow, you really weren’t expecting me, were you?’ he said, half smiling.

  I rubbed my eyes, blinking furiously, making sure it was Gavin who was standing in front of me and not Cian. ‘What – what are you doing here?’

  ‘Izzy, what’s wrong?’ he said.

  ‘Nothing, it’s just –’ He swooped in and wrapped his arms around me tightly. I collapsed into him, so upset, so confused, so angry with myself for realizing everything too late.

  He led me into the living room and sat me on the couch, brushing my hair from my face and wiping my tears away with his hands. ‘Izzy, I may be the biggest fool in the world for saying what I’m about to say, and possibly an even bigger fool for hoping you might feel the same.’

  Now it was as if someone was violently shaking the snow globe and I wanted to get out. But I was trapped, alone, scared. I couldn’t look at him – it was too hard. I got up and walked over to the window.

  I cursed the early-evening moon and the Hallowe’en fireworks that burst into enchanting sparkles across the velvet blue dusky sky. I cursed the love songs that floated out from the radio in the kitchen. I cursed them all because they spoke of love and romance and hope. For other people. Not for me.

  Gavin had followed me. It was killing me that I could sense his anxiety and do nothing to make it easier for him.

  It was so unfair. My body trembled with anger, regret and frustration. I had spent the last year worrying that I would never find someone like Cian ever again. Only to discover I was in love with someone ten billion times more amazing than him. My friend Gavin. My funny, kind, intelligent, gorgeous friend Gavin.

  But I could never have him. Even though he appeared to want me too. Instead I was bound eternally to a half-life I didn’t want. And to a man I didn’t love. And who didn’t love me.

  Gavin stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me to him. A lump rose in my throat.

  We both stood looking out ahead of us, his chin resting on the top of my head as the fireworks shattered into a myriad bright splinters. I could have stood there for ever.

  ‘Are you cross with me?’

  I shook my head. I squeezed his arm with my hand and he buried his head in my neck. ‘Izzy,’ he whispered, ‘I’m mad about you.’

  The world around me flooded my senses. The taste in the air, the feel of his breath on my skin, the smell of his aftershave. And the heat of the tears as they gathered in my eyes. When they
fell, I didn’t dare wipe them away for fear he’d see.

  ‘Everything that’s happened over the past few months was down to you. None of it was your fault, but I couldn’t have helped it if I’d tried. I couldn’t help falling for you. You made me realize I wasn’t in love with Kate. She’s a fantastic girl, but she’s a second-rate you. Everyone is. Who was I trying to kid? And I wanted to tell you the night of Eve’s party but you’d left before I had the chance. Then Laurence told me you’d met up with that Jonathan tosser and I knew I’d missed my chance. I hear he’s quite a nice guy, but I still like to think he’s a tosser.’

  I smiled sadly. He hugged me tighter.

  ‘And then when the Cian thing happened, I just couldn’t do it any more. I couldn’t be around you, feeling the way I did, while you told me you’d been with him. Fuck. I was so jealous. I fucking hate that prick. And I just thought, This has got to stop. She’s not into you, mate. It’s made me realize one thing, Izzy. I can’t just be your friend. That might make me a sore loser, but I can’t do it any other way. I’m too in love with you.’

  The tears streamed down my face and I swallowed hard against the sobs in my chest as they gasped to get out.

  ‘I really don’t want to lose you as my friend. I used to love just being around you, just to be near you and spend time with you. But I want it all. I can’t do it any other way. Izzy, if you don’t feel the same, I promise I’ll leave you alone.’

  We stood in silence, wrapped up in this beautiful bubble, his words floating in the air around us. And I knew I was about to shatter that bubble any second. For ever. Would Gavin still want me if he knew everything? If he knew I was pregnant with Cian’s child? The answer was no.

  His remarks about relationships and timing taunted me, and I closed my eyes tight in the hope that they’d go away.

  They didn’t.

  This was it.

  I mustered every nerve in my body to help me. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it, but I did.

  I shook my head.

  He stood still, but I could hear his breathing change.

  After a torturous moment or two, he finally spoke.