Hello, Heartbreak

by Amy Huberman

  ‘Holy shit!’ I exclaimed. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Well, we discovered that it was Eve who’d screwed it up and, to punish her for lying, Fintan demoted her to your position of junior office assistant.’

  ‘Oh. So where do I go?’ I asked, wondering if this was his polite way of telling me that, despite the success of the poster, I was out of a job.

  ‘Well,’ he started, ‘it’s early days but there may be an opening for an internship in one of the design departments. I’ve already had quite a few colleagues asking for your details.’

  ‘Get lost!’ I half shouted, which made him laugh.

  ‘I know you Irish folk have funny ways of expressing yourselves, but should I take it that you’d be interested if I passed on your business card?’

  ‘Yes! Thank you! Thank you so much! But I don’t have one.’

  ‘She’s crazy. Crazy drunk,’ Susie interrupted. ‘She’ll have it with you by next week.’

  But I wasn’t drunk!

  Susie dug me in the ribs – she’d predicted what I was about to say. ‘Shut up,’ she said, out of the corner of her mouth. ‘This is a fantastic opportunity to get you started as a designer, Izzy. Take it.’

  ‘Get it to me as soon as you can.’ Jonathan smiled.

  ‘Thanks so much.’ I beamed at him again, overwhelmed.

  ‘It’s not me you should be thanking.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘It was Gavin at Lights! Camera! Action! who contacted me after it all blew up yesterday.’

  ‘Gavin?’ I asked, almost wanting to cry.

  ‘Yes, Gavin Reed. By the way,’ he asked, suddenly intrigued, ‘is that the Gavin?’

  Bollocks. I was kind of hoping he wasn’t going to bring that up. Somewhere between deciding that I didn’t want to sleep with him that night and actually leaving his flat, I’d managed to blurt out everything about Gavin. Just what every man wants – the girl he’d wined and dined in a posh restaurant to start blabbing about some other bloke she’d just realized she was in love with. Classy date.

  ‘Ehm, heh heh,’ I chuckled self-consciously, ‘I don’t remember mentioning a, eh… Gavin, was it?’

  He grinned. ‘Well, I’m sure he’s very proud to see the poster anyway.’

  ‘He would be, if he wasn’t stuck in Belfast working on the latest Lights! Camera! Action! project.’

  ‘Huh? I just saw him at the bar – at least, I thought it was him.’

  What?

  Keelin came over with a fresh glass of champagne, saying we needed to make another toast to me, the most artistic person in the Shelbourne. We clinked glasses and then Jonathan got chatting to everyone. While Keelin was telling him how much she’d loved the film, Susie took me aside and said that although it was a bit weird, given my history with him, she thought he was gorgeous and did I mind if she flirted with him? I reminded her that I wasn’t attracted to him now and if she didn’t go and put the ‘Ride’ back into Jonathan Cunningham, I was never going to speak to her again.

  I left them all and made my way through the crowd as best I could. I wasn’t sure if it was the champagne, the news that Geraldine was becoming a porn star, the fact that I might be inching closer to landing my dream job, or that Gavin was supposedly in the room, but I was quite unsteady on my feet.

  Why wasn’t I taller? I wanted to ask the man in front of me if he could lift me on to his shoulders so I could have a quick scan of the place, but he might have been one of the colleagues Jonathan had mentioned. I didn’t want to embarrass myself.

  An arm went around my waist. Oh, yes! Oh, wow! Gavin!

  I spun around to him.

  Ugh! Cian! I grappled his hands off me. ‘Piss off.’ I could see in his eyes that he was in a drunken, lecherous mood.

  ‘Izzy, you’re the love of my life,’ he slurred.

  ‘Piss off,’ I repeated, slapping his hands away. ‘Change the bloody record. I already know Saffron’s dumped you again, so if you have your sights set on ruining my night because you’ve been humiliated and you need your ego massaged, go and annoy some other idiot.’

  Suddenly he lunged but I swooped out of the way just in time. Christ, he was annoying when he was drunk.

  I swung round to walk off – and Gavin was in front of me. I smiled widely, so happy to see him, but he just looked at me icily, then turned away.

  ‘Gavin!’ I called after him. ‘Wait!’ I had to knee Cian in the balls to get him off me, which I rather enjoyed.

  ‘Gavin!’ I shouted, running down the marble staircase, my shoes disappearing into the plush velvet carpet that spilled down the steps. ‘Gavin!’

  ‘What is it?’ he asked gruffly, when I caught up with him in the foyer.

  His harsh tone stung. ‘I just… wanted to say… hi.’

  ‘Hi,’ he said, turned his back and walked away again.

  ‘Jesus, Gavin, I know you said we couldn’t be friends but you don’t have to carry on as though you hate me,’ I blurted, trying not to cry. My God, it was so fantastic to see him – I wanted to hug him, hold him, spill my heart out to him. Well, why not? Why didn’t I? What was holding me back now?

  Nothing! And if he didn’t want me, at least I’d know. It was now or never.

  I took a deep breath. ‘I need to tell you something right away, and if you don’t mind I’m going to say it all in one go because if you interrupt or if I stop to think about what I’m saying there’s a good chance I won’t be able to do it. Gavin, I love you. And not as a friend but with the whole of my heart and my soul. I’ve been utterly miserable without you and I’d be the happiest girl in the whole entire world if we could just take what you said to me at the window that night in my house and what I’m saying to you now and fuse them together right here and ignore all the bullshit that’s happened in between.’

  He stared at me without speaking for what seemed like an eternity. Then he looked at the ground and shook his head. ‘It’s too late,’ he said sadly, and my heart broke. ‘I’m not doing this any more.’

  ‘Doing what?’ I asked, trying to keep my composure, trying to keep the tremble from my bottom lip.

  ‘Cian. This unfinished business you have with him.’

  ‘Gavin, it’s so totally finished!’ I implored.

  ‘No, Izzy,’ he said sternly, looking me straight in the eye. ‘Not now because it suits you. Not now because you’ve happened to bump into me, or because you’ve just had a row with him in there. If you really felt this way, why haven’t I heard from you?’

  Now probably wasn’t the time to tell him that I’d thought I was pregnant with Cian’s child. I stood there, mute, willing him to understand and believe what I was saying.

  ‘Good night, Izzy,’ he said softly. ‘You look beautiful tonight. You really do.’

  And with that he was gone.

  38

  The next afternoon the girls and I had arranged to meet up for lunch in the Metro Café to dissect last night in minute detail. I’d spent the night on my own in my bedroom suite after Susie had shacked up with Jonathan (yay!) and Keelin fecked off home with Simon. I didn’t mind: it’d meant I could sit in the bath and cry and drink my way through the mini-bar without feeling I might be keeping anyone awake.

  When I’d arrived Keelin and Susie were already there. They started clucking like a pair of hens when they saw me, ordering me to sit down immediately before they exploded.

  ‘You will not believe all of this.’ Keelin giggled as she took a newspaper from her handbag.

  ‘This is priceless!’ Susie enthused, taking the paper from her and passing it to me proudly.

  I looked at the front page and screamed. I turned to the other customers and apologized profusely, then turned back to the paper.

  Oh. My. God.

  There on the front page was a picture of Edna McClodmutton from last night under a giant caption that read, ‘Aspiring actress’s dreams put on hold as performance is panned by film critics.’ I screamed again. I couldn’t help
it. This was too much.

  ‘And there’s more!’ Keelin laughed, turning the page. The caption ‘Stars come out in their droves for première night’ was spread across both pages. I could barely contain myself as I looked at the photos. I covered my mouth before I screamed again. There, in a colourful two-page spread, was a collage of all my friends. Pictures taken on the red carpet on their way into the party. Orla, Caroline, Marcus and Will from the new Irish pop sensation Mix ’n’ Match, Bono’s children Stephen and Deirdre (who looked a bit perverted as they were holding hands and seemed to be extremely in love), dog trainer to the stars Simon Morris sey, and top models Keelin and Susie. I laughed until I thought I was going to pass out.

  ‘There’s more!’ Susie clapped.

  ‘No, stop, I can’t take it,’ I wheezed.

  ‘We have the best gossip ever from last night,’ Keelin said calmly and slowly.

  ‘Gather yourself, Izzy. Are you ready?’ Susie said, taking over.

  I nodded warily.

  ‘Guess who Jonathan and I stumbled on in a very compromising position when we took the wrong room key and ended up in another bedroom.’

  ‘Who? Who?’ I demanded giddily.

  ‘Your Laurence with Eve’s fiancé, Philippe!’

  I fell off the side of my chair and landed with a thump on the floor. No way! That was madness! But it all made such perfect sense. Laurence was gay? And had been caught with Eve’s fiancé?

  ‘Serves her right, the cow!’ Susie said, almost reading my mind.

  ‘Oh, and while you’re down there,’ Keelin added, ‘your sister snogged Colin Farrell.’ All I could think was how excited Mum would be before I half passed out.

  We stayed there for the entire afternoon, ordering pot after pot of tea as we made our way through the entire dessert menu. I told them about Gavin. And although they listened patiently, I think they were far too excited about their own goings-on to appreciate my heartbreak. But I was happy to listen to Keelin chat about Simon, and Susie about Jonathan.

  ‘Jaysus, he’s a handy man to have around for some rebound sex all the same, isn’t he?’ Keelin sniggered. Susie and I burst out laughing. ‘Better keep his number in case things don’t work out between me and Simon.’

  We left when we realized we were the last people there, and that if the lady at the counter coughed any more to get our attention, she’d rupture a lung. On our way home, Susie said Jonathan had asked her to tell me that a copy of my poster was waiting for me to collect in the Shelbourne.

  ‘Really? I’m sure I can get one in work. Will we not just head straight home?’ I whined. I was shattered, emotionally and physically, and the only thing I wanted to do was change into my pyjamas and hang out with Dermot on the couch.

  ‘Izzy, please,’ Susie said, ‘I’m trying to impress him. Don’t let him think I didn’t do the one thing he asked me to do.’

  Wow. Sounded as though she liked him. ‘Fine,’ I said sulkily, as we plodded towards the hotel.

  They said they’d wait outside and have a smoke while I went in to collect it.

  ‘I’m here to collect a poster,’ I said to the concierge.

  ‘Isobel Keegan?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Upstairs and to your left.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  I passed the bar off the lobby. It was jammed with people singing Christmas carols and joyously getting into the spirit of the season. I climbed up the stairs, turned left and found myself outside in a little courtyard. Oh? The concierge must have given me the wrong directions.

  I stood there breathing in the fresh winter air. There was something so enchanting about it that I paused to take it in. Despite myself, I was smiling. The fairy-lights looked magical twined over the rose bushes. It was another clear evening, and the sky was like a gorgeous navy blue velvet blanket. I sauntered over to the fountain. Closing my eyes, I danced my fingers along the surface of the water.

  ‘Hey.’

  I jumped and spun round. Gavin was standing in the doorway. ‘Christ,’ I breathed. ‘What are you doing here?’ Gavin? Here? My heart was racing.

  ‘I’m glad the girls delivered you safe and sound.’

  ‘The girls? What did…’ I was dumbstruck. Had he set this up? I wasn’t sure and I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions in case I fell flat on my face yet again.

  We stared at each other. The sound of ‘White Christmas’ drifted up from the bar. All of a sudden he marched right up to me and scooped me into a hug. I laughed into his chest. ‘Gavin… God, I don’t know where to begin. I never got a chance to thank you for calling Jonathan about the poster. It would never have happened without you.’

  ‘Yes, it would. But perhaps a little later than last night. I’m so proud of you, Izzy.’

  I held on to him tightly. I wanted to never let him go again.

  ‘Anyway, I owed you for getting me started on the documentary.’

  ‘I’m so happy for you about your new job,’ I said. ‘But you’ve no idea how much I’ll miss you at work.’

  He looked down at me, holding my eyes. I could have gazed into his green ones for a lifetime and never tired of it.

  ‘Well,’ he said softly, ‘I’m kinda hoping we won’t have to miss each other too much.’

  ‘Really? Are you going to carry on doing freelance for us?’

  ‘No, no. What I mean is… We’re not very good at this, are we? There always seems to be something in the way. Last night, Izzy…’

  ‘Gavin,’ I whispered, close to tears, ‘you don’t have to apologize. I understand why you don’t want to be with me. Why you can’t be with me. I’ve messed everything up royally. I know that. So please don’t feel bad. I have you back as a friend, and I can’t tell you what that means to me. Please…’

  ‘Izzy, Izzy, Izzy,’ he murmured. ‘I don’t want to say sorry any more. And I don’t want you to say sorry any more. Last night I thought I couldn’t take it all. But later I realized I’d had enough of this – of wanting you but always letting other stuff get in the way.’

  Dear God in heaven, did he just say he wanted me? Oooh, maybe I’ll let him finish first, maybe he wants me to do something for him… like more storyboards. I didn’t want to preempt anything in case it wasn’t what I wanted to hear and I crumbled entirely under the disappointment. I was on tenterhooks as he went on, ‘I’m sorry I walked out on you like that last night. It’s just… when I saw that prick, Cian, and I thought… But I met Keelin outside and she calmed me down and explained a lot of things. I know it’s over between you and him.’

  ‘Gavin, that man was never in love with me. It just took me a long time to figure it out. And, yes, it is completely and utterly over. I don’t want him in my life, with his nastiness. I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the last few weeks, and I know where I want to take my life next.’

  ‘Oh? And would there be room in it for me?’

  All the feelings I’d been keeping bottled up suddenly flooded out and I started to cry. Gavin pulled me closer, holding me tight. It felt so… right. Hindsight is a marvellous thing, all right. When Cian held me like this, it always niggled at the back of my mind that he wasn’t fully with me, wasn’t really in the moment. But now, being held by someone who was incredibly present… Cian had never really loved me. Love felt like a warm protective shield around you, keeping you safe. Love felt like this.

  When I could speak again, I placed my hand on his face. ‘Gavin Reed, I’m in love with you. Instead of having room for you in my life, or room for me in yours, how about we share the same one?’

  He stared at me, smiling, then he leant in and kissed me. My stomach flipped. It was the most amazing kiss of my life. In that instant, I thought I was going to burst with happiness. I wanted to hold him for ever.

  ‘Come with me,’ he said.

  He took my hand in his and led me down to the rose bushes, stopping when we reached a gold pot with a tiny Christmas tree in it. My head felt all light and fluffy, and he scooped me
under his arm, kissing the top of my head.

  ‘What’s this?’ I asked, as he hunched down to it.

  ‘This is the Tiffany Christmas tree,’ he said, smiling up.

  ‘Wow. You name trees. You’re so cute and weird. Who’s that one?’ I asked, pointing to the next tree over.

  ‘That’s Dave. But we don’t need to concern ourselves with Dave right now.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Do you think this one looks a little different?’ he asked.

  ‘Well, it’s the only tree out here that isn’t decorated. Gavin, is this your way of telling me your next documentary is going to be about horticulture because, I gotta tell ya, I can’t see it doing so well…’

  ‘Come here to me.’ He pulled me down to him. ‘I can tell you now that I’m not doing a documentary on horticulture.’

  ‘Phew!’

  ‘Are you sure this tree doesn’t have any decorations on it?’ he asked, brushing the hair from my face in a way that made me want to rip off my clothes.

  I decided to humour him, whatever he was on about. I bent forward and stared at the branches of the tree, looking for… What exactly?

  And then I saw it. Dangling from a tiny branch in the middle of the tree. A gold heart charm. I held my breath as I turned to him.

  ‘It’s for the bracelet. I think this is a pretty important one. It’s just so you know, if you don’t already, that you have my heart.’ He lifted it off and placed it in my hand. Then he folded me into his arms again and we grinned inanely at each other, as if we knew something the rest of the world didn’t.

  ‘Oh, Gavin,’ I said, kissing him with all the happiness that was bubbling inside me. ‘I love it.’

  ‘I’m very happy, Izzy,’ he said.

  ‘So am I.’

  I held my heart tightly as we kissed. Both of them.

  Acknowledgements

  My sincerest thanks to Patricia Deevy and Michael McLoughlin in Penguin Ireland for making a big dream come true for me. I’m still walking on air and pinching myself every now and again just to check that it’s real. (Let’s hope it is, and this whole thing isn’t some elaborate and cruel wind-up!) Many thanks also to Cliona Lewis and Brian Walker at Penguin. And to my literary agent, Faith O’Grady, and all at the Lisa Richards Agency for helping me to juggle my acting and writing commitments when I was having mild heart-attacks about not knowing when I’d have time to do both. Thank you for keeping me calm at all times and telling me it would all be fine. And on the work side of things, a huge thank you to Rachel Pierce, my editor, for teaching me so much, helping me so much and making me laugh so much. (Finally an apology and a cheeky thank-you to the Shelbourne Hotel because I gave it a courtyard and a fountain that it doesn’t have. I gather that’s called artistic licence.)