by Ali Dean
Ryan takes my hand and pulls me closer to him.
“You called me Ry,” he says with a grin.
I lift my finger to touch one of his dimples and shrug. “It just slipped out.”
“I like it.” He lowers his forehead to mine and I think he’s going to kiss me. Instead, he just rests his head against mine for a minute. “You’re gorgeous, Pepper, you know that?”
I raise my eyebrows. “Ummm…” That is not something friends tell each other.
We continue walking towards the falls, hand in hand. My steps falter when I see Madeline standing on the edge of the thirty footer looking down. Speaking of gorgeous. She’s wearing a purple string bikini and her hand is on her hip. Unlike my shorts tan line, she is evenly tanned all over, without a single blemish. She turns her head in our direction when she hears us walking towards her.
I feel Ryan hold my hand tighter as Madeline’s eyes drift down to our locked hands. She watches us curiously as we approach. “Hi, Ryan.” Madeline steps towards us and I hate the way she blatantly checks him out. Ryan’s wearing only his running shorts and flip flops. He’s not jaw-dropping Jace Wilder, but he’s definitely hot, no doubt about it.
“Hi, Madeline,” he says.
I’m relieved he hasn’t completely lost it and turned into a panting teenage boy. I imagine most boys get that way around Madeline, and I can tell she’s a little put off by his lack of reaction. She is wearing a bikini, after all. But Ryan keeps his eyes on hers, even though I have no doubt they want to drift down.
She glances at me. “Pepper, hello. Does Jace know you’re skipping class?”
I narrow my eyes. It’s a dig at me, and she knows it. She’s trying to insinuate that Jace treats me like a kid, and she wants Ryan to know that Jace can control who I hang out with and when.
“No, Madeline. Jace doesn’t need to know everything I do. And I’m not skipping. I have a free period.” So it’s a half lie. Whatever.
I must have become her enemy at some point and I’m not sure how that happened. Madeline purses her lips. “He likes to keep tabs on you. I’ll let him know tonight. He’s taking me out to dinner.”
Jace doesn’t take girls on dates; everyone knows that. She’s either lying or Jace is up to something.
“Madeline! What are you doing? Get down here!” Emma yells from the swimming hole below. Madeline turns to the edge. She plugs her nose before jumping off. We hear her screeches before she falls into the water.
I turn to Ryan, who is watching me. He brushes a loose hair from my forehead. Only Jace has done that before, and I’m not sure how I feel about someone else doing it. “I can tell Madeline isn’t the nicest person. We don’t have to stick around,” he offers.
“No way. I’m not leaving just because she’s around. Let’s jump!” I toss my tee shirt and towel by a tree and kick off my flip- flops. I walk to the edge and peek over. I can see Emma and Serena lounging on a flat rock. I recognize Wesley’s blonde hair as he swims by Madeline. Pierce and Forbes are climbing along the side of a rock, showing off for the girls.
Wes glances up my way when he sees Emma and Serena looking my direction. His eyes dart to Ryan, who is standing behind me.
“What do you think?” Ryan asks.
“About jumping? I’m going for it. But if I stand here any longer I’ll psych myself out.” I glance down one more time to make sure Wes and Madeline are out of the landing zone before I leap off.
The warm air rushes past me and my heart drops to my belly as the world flashes by. I point my toes in anticipation and feel the cold water crash around me. My body drops below the surface and I wait to see how far I will sink. All I can see is white bubbles around me. My toes never touch the bottom before I start kicking to the surface. When my head pops up, Wes is treading water right by me. He sees my grin and smiles with relief.
“How’d that feel?” he asks.
“That was awesome! I’m going again!” I swim to the side and look up at Ryan, who’s standing on the edge. “Go for it!” I yell.
He jumps forward and flips in a somersault before landing. Show off. Wes glances over at me. It looks like he wants to say something but he keeps his mouth closed. Ryan and I scramble back up and jump off a couple more times. I lie out on a rock a little ways from the pool to try to dry off before we get in his car. Ryan lies down next to me.
“Thanks for bringing me,” I tell him.
We lie on our backs, our eyes closed, enjoying the warmth of the sun. I sense a shadow over me and feel cold water drip onto my belly. I open my eyes. Madeline is standing over me.
“Pepper, I want to ask you about something,” she tells me.
“Yeah?” I ask. “What is it?”
“Let’s walk together,” she says it like a command, not a request.
“Okaaay,” I say skeptically.
We walk along the path, away from the swimming hole.
“So, I was wondering what’s going on with Pierce and your friend who came to the party at Wes’s place.”
I shrug. I hardly know this girl. Why is it any of her business? “Nothing’s going on as far as I know.”
She crosses her arms. “See, that’s the thing. I know you probably don’t think this is any of my business but I’m asking for Pierce. He’s my friend. He really likes Zoe and thought she liked him, too. Didn’t it seem that way to you at Wes’s place?”
“Yeah,” I concede.
“So now she doesn’t want to see him again. There must be some explanation.”
I sigh. Maybe if I give her some information she’ll give me some. “Zoe’s dad’s a cop.” I wait to see any reaction from Madeline. Her eyebrows raise infinitesimally. “He just told Zoe that he wasn’t happy with her hanging out at Wes’s house, or dating Wes’s friends. He thinks they, or you, maybe, I don’t know, are bad kids or something.”
I watch Madeline purse her lips as she mulls this information over. “Did he say why?”
“No, but Zoe heard him talking to her mom later about Wes being involved with drug dealing. Do you know anything about that?”
Madeline shakes her head back and forth slowly, but I sense she wants to tell me something. “Why would Wes deal drugs?” I ask. “He’s loaded.”
Madeline cocks her head to the side. “What else do you think people get out of dealing drugs beside money?”
I raise my hands. “Besides drugs? I wouldn’t know.”
“If you already have money you can just buy drugs if that’s all you want. Think about it, Pepper.”
“Maybe some sort of authority, or control or power or something. Madeline, I don’t know anything about that stuff, seriously.”
“I don’t know, seems like you have the idea to me.”
“What are you saying? Wes deals drugs for power and control? He doesn’t need that either.” I cross my arms. What’s the point of this conversation? What’s Madeline’s want from me?
“Look, I know you don’t go out much, but you know the way it is. Think about Wes. He seems to have it all. But then think about Jace, right?”
“So it’s some kind of rivalry,” I say slowly. And Jace is involved.
Madeline watches me. “Come on, Pepper. You’re a smart girl. Maybe being the shit at Lincoln isn’t enough for Wes. It’s a smaller school. And Brockton’s a big town. There’s more than just high school.”
I think about Jace, his college friends, and his strange alliance with Wesley. “I have to go.” I turn away and tell Ryan we should head back.
Jace doesn’t show up for dinner after practice. As soon as I’m done eating, I head over to the Wilders’ house and walk through the front door without knocking. I see Jim in the kitchen getting a beer and I wave as I jog down the stairs.
When I burst through Jace’s bedroom door, he’s standing in front of his closet in nothing but black boxer briefs and socks. Shit. He looks far too good and it’s incredibly distracting. My gaze lingers on the muscular curve of his bottom for a moment before I plop myself
on his bed and cross my arms.
“Alright, buddy. I want answers. Now.”
Jace watches me carefully. “What’s going on, Pep?” he says quietly.
I point my finger at him. “Don’t even pretend to act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
Jace sits on the very edge of his bed, as far from me as possible. He rubs his hands over his face.
“What do you want to know?”
“Are you dealing drugs?”
“Yeah, a little,” he says slowly. “But don’t worry Pep, it’s not that big of a deal.”
“Not that big of a deal? Jace, I’ve never given you a hard time about stuff you do, but this? It’s just stupid. Why would you risk a football scholarship?” That’s not the only question I have, but it’s a starting point. And it should get his attention.
Jace shrugs. “It’s just some easy money on the side, Pep. I’m training for football all the time. I don’t have time for a real job.”
I just stare at him. He has to know how stupid he sounds.
Jace leans back and my eyes go straight to his abs. “Look Pep, this is one of the reasons I keep you at a distance. You don’t need to be a part of this.”
I ignore that statement, for the time being, and ask another question. “And Wes? What does he have to do with it?”
“He got himself into a little trouble dealing last year, and I helped smooth things over. That’s how I got into it in the first place. Now, it’s just easy cash. I know the guys I’m dealing with, and it’s a pretty straight forward thing we have going on.”
“What do you mean he got himself into some trouble?” I swirl my bracelets around my wrist as I process the information.
“The guy he was buying from was picked up, and Wes thought his name was going to get dropped. He called me to make sure it didn’t.”
“Huh?”
“Nevermind. Wes and I hadn’t been close for awhile, but that doesn’t mean I wanted him to get fucked over.”
That part, I get. The rest of the details, I’m not exactly following. I suppose they aren’t so important. “You told me not so long ago that you didn’t do drugs. Were you lying?”
Jace runs his hand through his hair again. He stands up and paces around the room. It’s impossible to focus on anything else but his half naked body. Why can’t he throw some clothes on, for goodness sake?
“No, not really. I tried some shit a few times, but I hadn’t done much in a while when I told you that. Recently, well… I’ve been partying a little more than usual.” Jace looks away when he says this and I can tell there’s more behind that statement.
I shake my head, unable to process this information. In some ways, it rips me up that there’s this whole side of Jace I knew nothing about. But on the other hand, I know this isn’t all that out of character for him. Jace has always been all about power and control. Even as a little kid. He’s always had it, and this is another way to hold onto it.
Jace’s phone rings from the bedside table and I glance at it. Madeline. Of course, they had a date tonight.
“Just a sec,” he murmurs before answering.
“Seriously?” I ask, trying to hold back any emotion. We’re in the middle of an important conversation, and he cuts it off to talk to his fuck buddy? Until now, I thought I came before the girls he slept with. Did that change when I kissed him?
“Hey,” he says in the phone. I can hear her muffled voice on the other line.
I don’t stick around to listen.
Chapter 13
Things aren’t the same with Jace after I confront him. After we kissed, we could at least pretend like things hadn’t changed. Sort of. Temporarily, at least.
But now, I feel like I don’t understand him anymore. This time, his controlling nature doesn’t explain his actions – instead, it’s like he’s out of control. Orgies, regular drug use, dealing. . . it’s too much.
I know Jace, and if he decided to deal, he’s not bothering with small bags of pot. I don’t doubt for a minute he moved right into more serious stuff. Brockton’s a college town, and there’s plenty of partying. CU’s known for it. His unexplained absences from dinners, the out of town trips, and the college friends - it makes sense now. He’s got a whole little secret life that I am not a part of. And I don’t want to be.
Our morning car rides are awkward. I simply can’t relax and be myself with him anymore. He knows it too. We don’t bother pretending. Jace doesn’t make it to dinner all week, and I decide to arrange rides with Ryan in the morning, telling Jace he doesn’t need to pick me up.
I’ve always known Jace and I were different. I like to play it safe. I have just what I need with running, my few friends, Gran, and Dave. I could accept that Jace had his own little world that wasn’t for me. Until now.
I know it’s time to snap out of it when the district meet arrives at the end of October. My equilibrium has definitely shifted with the absence of Jace in my life, but there’s no reason it should impact my running.
We meet in the school parking at seven the morning of the race to take the bus as a team. When I step on, I see that Zoe is already sitting with Charlie. They look quite cozy. I scan through my memories of the last week and realize that they have definitely been acting differently towards each other. Hmmm. . .
Taking a seat near the back, I slip on my head phones and prop up my pillow, hoping to remain anti-social for as long as possible. I close my eyes and snuggle against the window.
When the bus starts to move I feel someone sit in the seat next to me. A shoulder brushes mine. I pull out my head phones and look at the intruder. Ryan is leaning his head to the side looking at me. “Hi,” he says.
“Did the headphones, closed eyes and pillow not send the right message?” I tease.
“Sorry. I was sitting near the front, but I saw you way back here and wanted to see what was up. You feel okay?”
I’m not usually anti-social like this so I suppose it does cause suspicion. “Yeah, Ryan, I’m good. Thanks though.”
He watches me for a moment, unsure whether to leave or not. “So, you ready for the first meet in our championship season?” I ask, encouraging him to stay.
He smiles. “Yeah, I guess so. You’ve done this course before, right?”
I start telling him about the course. Last year, we had an early season dual meet on the District course. I was in the lead and took a wrong turn. “Hopefully it’ll be better marked than it was for the deal meet. But I’d pay attention during the walk through just in case. There are lots of sneaky turns!”
Ryan laughs and tells me that the same thing happened to him once but he was able to back track without losing the lead.
I watch him as he talks. His sandy brown hair is long enough to tuck behind his ears. The shaggy look is endearing. Ryan is classically good looking in a boyish way. He’s even cuter when he smiles, which he does a lot while he’s talking. I find myself leaning closer towards him. The hard layer I’ve been wearing the past couple of weeks starts to soften a little. I feel, I don’t know, warmer, in his presence.
The next thing I know, Ryan is shaking me gently. I blink my eyes open, and find my head is resting on his chest. I whip my head up, thankful there’s no drool running from my mouth. “Sorry!” I exclaim.
“We’re here,” he tells me. I look out the window. Several other school busses are parked around us and groggy teenagers are wandering around in shorts and sweatshirts.
“Whoa. Guess I was tired. Sorry about that.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Ryan reaches out and squeezes my shoulder.
During warm-up, I ask Zoe about Charlie. “Finally!” she answers. “I was wondering when you were going to get with the program!”
“Sorry. I’ve been in my own head lately,” I admit.
“We kind of got together last weekend,” Zoe tells me.
Apparently he was helping her study for AP bio and then he asked her to stay to watch a movie, and one thing led to another
, and they crossed the line from friends to friends who make out. Now they apparently cuddle in public too.
“He’s taking me on a real date after the meet. I think we’re just going to dinner or something. But it’s kind of weird changing my mindset.” My mind immediately jumps to the changes happening between me and Jace . . . and me and Ryan. “It’s like I must have had these feeling buried for him and now that I’m not suppressing them I think of him totally differently. I’m not sure how we kept it platonic for so long!” Platonic. I hate that word.
We’re heading over the last hill of the course, finishing our warm up, when I see Brockton Public’s junior varsity football team running at us. Shirtless. And covered in blue paint. They have letters painted on their chests and are screaming and cheering.