d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  Dave looked through his bamboo tube. “A couple of them turned around. They’re headed this way.”

  “Shit,” said Tim, looking through his own tube. “It’s okay. We should be able to handle a few. Julian, do you have any more of those ventriloquism spells?”

  His mouth still held shut by Cooper’s massive hand, Julian answered with a shake of the head.

  “Damn,” said Tim. “I guess we’ll just have to fight the ones who didn’t leave. Cooper, swing hard but try not to make a lot of noise if you can help it. Dave, the same goes for you. But break off and do some healing if anyone gets hit. Julian, use whatever spells you’ve got in your arsenal, but try to keep the incantations as quiet as possible. Got it?”

  Julian nodded. Cooper farted.

  Dave never took his eyes off the tube. “Guys,” he said. “We’re in some deep shit.”

  “Fucking hell,” said Cooper. “What is it now?”

  “You know those zombies that were moving away?”

  “Yeah?” said Tim.

  “Well they’re not moving away anymore. A lot of them are starting to wander back this way.”

  “Shit!” said Tim. “Shit shit shit! We were so close. Julian, are you sure you don’t have any more ventriloquism scrolls?”

  “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “Why the hell not?”

  “Because it really seemed like it sucked.”

  “Well find something else,” said Tim. “And hurry. We’ve only got about a minute before we have to make our stand or run like hell.”

  “I don’t have anything else,” said Julian, looking desperately through his scrolls again. “I’ve got a couple of magic missiles. I’ve got a charm person. I’ve got…”

  “What?” said Tim.

  “I’ve got an idea.”

  “Well come on,” said Cooper. “Is it a fucking surprise? Spit it out.”

  Julian looked up. Tim, Dave, and Cooper turned onto their backs to see what he was looking at. Ravenus looked down at them. He raised a black wing. The four of them waved back at him.

  “Ravenus!” Julian whispered excitedly. “Go! Fly away! Talk!”

  The bird nodded and launched itself into the air. When it was far enough away, it picked up the disturbing conversation Julian had started. “My sweet sister. Oh how I long to rub my cloaca on your cloaca!” Ravenus’s voice grew fainter as he continued to fly away.

  All of the zombies followed the bird as he continued spouting more and more of Julian’s incestuous dialogue.

  Tim breathed what he felt was a long deserved sigh of relief. “Well done, Julian. Way to think on your feet.”

  “What was all that shit about you wanting to fuck your fat sister?” asked Cooper.

  Julian looked at Tim.

  “Don’t look at me,” said Tim. “He’s right. That was pretty fucked up.”

  “Screw you guys,” said Julian. “I was just trying to say what I thought might appeal to a zombie.”

  “They’re fucking zombies, dude,” said Cooper. “They can’t understand what you’re saying.”

  “Well I didn’t know that.”

  “So,” said Cooper. “Just to be clear. Do you want to fuck your fat sister?”

  “My sister isn’t even fat.”

  “But do you want to fuck her?”

  “No!”

  “Can I?”

  “Fuck off, Cooper.”

  “You guys shut up,” said Tim. “We don’t know how long Ravenus is going to be able to hold off those zombies.” He crawled under the log and stood up to survey the carnage. What a fucking mess. The torch guy was barely recognizable as human. If Tim had just stumbled upon this scene randomly, he might have just as easily taken this pile of bloody guts to be the remains of a deer that had been mauled by a pack of angry bears.

  Cooper, Dave, and Julian joined him.

  “Man,” said Cooper. “They really tore this poor bastard up.”

  “I don’t guess there’s anything you can do for him?” Tim asked Dave.

  Dave looked back with an expression of shocked disbelief. “I think he’s well beyond negative ten hit points. Look at him. His spleen is way over here.” He gestured at a pulpy lump of flesh on the ground next to Cooper’s foot.

  “How do you know what a spleen looks like?” asked Julian.

  “I took a couple of ranks in the heal skill. It came with some basic knowledge of anatomy.”

  “Cool.”

  “Julian,” said Tim. “He’s wearing a ring. Can you use a detect magic spell on it?”

  “Sure,” said Julian. “No problem.” He closed his eyes and put his fingertips on his temples. “Annatto Bixine.” When he opened his eyes, they shone like balls of white fire.

  “Damn,” said Dave. “That looks pretty badass for a zero level spell.”

  “Holy crap, you guys,” said Julian.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Tim. “Is the ring magical?”

  “Yes,” said Julian glancing down at the ring briefly. “Everything is magical.”

  “Are you fucking high?” asked Cooper.

  “We’re in an extremely evil place, guys.”

  “How can it be evil?” asked Dave. “It’s just a forest.”

  “I’m telling you. This forest is crawling with dark magic.”

  “Is the ring dark as well?” asked Tim.

  “No. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s different from the rest of the magic around here, but I can’t get a proper reading on it.”

  “Good enough for me,” said Tim. There wasn’t any part of the man not absolutely slathered in blood, so Tim was forced to put his squeamishness aside as he slid the blood-soaked ring from the red slippery finger. “Cooper, get over here.”

  Cooper stepped forward and Tim wiped the blood off of the ring and his hand on Cooper’s loincloth.

  “Did you want something?” asked Cooper.

  “No,” said Tim. “Never mind.” He looked closely at the gold ring. It had a feather pattern engraved around its edge. “No, wait. I think I know what this is.” He slipped the ring on. It constricted until it was comfortably snug around his finger. “It’s magic all right.”

  “So what does it do?” asked Dave.

  “I’ve got a pretty good idea, but we’re going to have to try a little experiment. Cooper, I need you to throw me as high in the air as you can.”

  “Okay,” said Cooper. He grabbed Tim by the arms and swung him back.

  “Wait!” cried Tim.

  “What?”

  “I’d like to be thrown away from the cliff’s edge, if you don’t mind.”

  “Oh, right. Good idea.” He turned around and swung Tim back. “Ready? One, um…. Fuck it.” He threw Tim a good thirty feet into the air.

  Having reached the zenith of his flight, Tim began to descend. The descent, much to Tim’s surprise, was at normal speed. He’d been wrong. He was in for some serious pain. He -- Oh, there it was. After falling for a distance of only five feet, the ring betrayed the secret of its power. Tim’s fall suddenly slowed as if he’d deployed an invisible parachute. He drifted to the ground and landed harder than he expected, but unharmed.

  “That torch guy wasn’t committing suicide,” said Tim. “He was just clearing out a bunch of zombies. The idea was brilliantly simple. Can you imagine the experience points he would have gotten?”

  “Pity you killed him,” said Cooper.

  “Fuck you, Cooper,” said Tim. “That was an accident.”

  “You have to admit,” said Dave. “You’re accidental death count is beginning to get alarming.”

  “Fuck you too, Dave. I only count two.”

  “Some people go their whole lives without accidentally murdering anyone.”

  “I don’t have to defend myself to you ass clowns. It wasn’t my idea to come out here in the first place. I’m going back to the Whore’s Head Inn. You idiots can stay out here and get eaten by zombies all you like.” He turned around and stomped his tiny legs as he walked away.
>
  “Come on man,” said Cooper, following behind him. “We were just fucking with you.”

  “I’m not in the mood, Cooper. Just leave me --“

  “Jesus Christ!” shouted Julian. Tim and Cooper whirled around.

  The corpse of the torch guy was grasping Julian by the ankle. The body convulsed as broken bones snapped back into place.

  “Get it off me! Get it off me!” Julian cried. Dave grabbed him around the waist and tried to pull him away from the zombie, but its grip was too tight.

  Dave’s stout form had the advantages of good traction on the ground and a low center of gravity. The zombie was still in the middle of being reformed, so Dave was able to drag it and Julian back a few steps, keeping the zombie from getting properly balanced on its feet. It stumbled to its knees, and its small intestine spilled out of the gaping hole in its belly.

  “Come on,” said Cooper.

  “No,” said Tim. Cooper turned around to give Tim a severe glare, but lightened up when he saw Tim smiling. “I’ve got an idea. Follow me.”

  Tim ran around to get behind the zombie, and Cooper followed. They gave it a wide berth, but that precaution proved unnecessary. The creature’s focus was completely fixed on Julian’s leg.

  “Where the hell are you guys going?” Julian shouted. “Get over here and help me!”

  Tim ignored him and ran up to the tree that he’d used for his snare trap. He pointed to the branch that was only still hanging onto the trunk by a few green splinters. “Cooper. I need that branch. Can you rip it off the tree for me?”

  “Not a problem,” said Cooper, and proceeded to tear the branch right off. It must have weighed as much as six Tim’s, but Cooper tossed it on the ground as if it was nothing more than a rolled up newspaper.

  Dave continued his struggle to pull Julian away from the zombie, but all he was succeeding at was to keep the three of them moving.

  Tim ran up behind the zombie until he was only about ten feet away from it, grabbed the end of its small intestine, and pulled it back to the tree branch. That got its attention. It let go of Julian’s leg at once and got to its feet. It stumbled along the path of its own guts, but Tim was not worried in the least. He tied the end of the severed rope to the end of the zombie’s intestine.

  “Okay, Cooper,” said Tim. “Do your thing.”

  Cooper farted and stood looking confused.

  “Jesus, Cooper. Grab the branch and chuck it off the side of the cliff.”

  “Ooh,” said Cooper. “Good idea.” He picked up the branch and hurled it like a javelin over the side of the cliff.

  The zombie tried to grab its intestine with both hands, but it was too slippery for him to get a good grip. More and more intestine spilled out of the creature. Tim had no idea the small intestine was that long. And then he ran out of gut and fell to his knees with a jerk. He tried to gain traction but lacked the coordination. He fell to his face and slid along the stony dirt until he disappeared over the edge. Tim whispered a quiet apology for the man whose death he felt at least partially responsible for.

  Dave sat on the ground. “Do you think that next time you could find a more disgusting way to kill something?”

  Tim frowned, scanning the edge of the forest. There was nothing to see but trees. “Something’s wrong,” said Tim. “He shouldn’t have been a zombie.”

  “Why not?” asked Julian. “He was killed by zombies. It’s only natural that he becomes one.”

  “That’s not how zombies work in Caverns and Creatures. It’s not a communicable disease. Zombies are corpses animated by evil magic. Without an evil cleric here to cast an animate dead spell, there shouldn’t be any new zombies.”

  “I told you before,” said Julian. “This place is crawling with evil magic. The whole forest is cursed.”

  Tim looked at Cooper. “Can that happen?”

  Cooper shrugged. “The cavern master can make up any kind of shit he wants. If Mordred put a cursed forest in his campaign, it’s a little late to argue with him.”

  “Don’t fucking start with me again, Cooper.”

  “Is that Ravenus?” asked Dave.

  Tim looked to the sky. There certainly was a large black bird flying in toward them.

  “Julian!” said Ravenus as he landed. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” said Julian. “Just a little shaken up.”

  “Ravenus,” said Tim, switching over to his British accent, as the bird was only able to communicate in the Elven tongue. “What the hell are you doing here? You’re supposed to be leading the zombies away from here.”

  “I couldn’t keep the story going,” said Ravenus. “I just don’t know that much about human sexuality. I felt like they weren’t buying it, so I just started telling them about my youth while they clawed against the tree I was perched in. And then I heard Julian scream, so I --“

  “Shit,” said Tim.

  “What?” asked Julian.

  “What are you guys talking about?” asked Cooper. “You know I can’t understand you when you talk like that.”

  Tim switched back to his normal dialect. “Ravenus heard Julian scream. If he heard it, then it’s a good bet the zombies heard it too. We’ve got to move now.”

  “Too late,” said Dave, getting to his feet. He was looking past Tim into the trees.

  Tim turned to see what he was looking at and found a corpse shambling out of the trees toward them. Two more emerged to her left, and then another three on her right. “Fuck.” He ran as fast as his tiny legs would carry him and made a baseball slide under the log.

  “What are you doing?” asked Cooper. “They’ve already spotted us. We can’t hide from them.”

  Tim stood up and cocked his crossbow. “Who said anything about hiding?”

  “Shit,” said Cooper. “He’s right.” He, Dave and Julian ran to fetch their weapons from behind the fallen tree.

  The zombies continued to shuffle forward.

  Cooper leapt over the log and sprinted toward the nearest zombie. He shouted as he ran. “I’m really angry!”

  “Cooper!” Tim shouted. “Don’t get surrounded!” He knew it was useless to reason with him. He’d turned on his rage and was now in a killing frenzy.

  Dave and Julian made their way over the log while Tim scrambled under it. He emerged just in time to see Cooper follow through with his axe in an underhand golf swing that tore a zombie in two from crotch to armpit. The blade then smashed through the exposed collarbone of a second zombie, lodging deep in its chest, but that wasn’t quite enough to drop it. It reached out for Cooper’s throat with its still-functional right arm.

  Tim took aim with his crossbow and pulled the trigger. The bolt pierced through the zombie’s brittle cheekbone and it slid off of Cooper’s axe.

  Dave ran forward, brandishing his mace, to fend off three more zombies that were threatening to surround Cooper. Watching an armored dwarf in a hurry was like watching a normal person wake up from a nap.

  Julian didn’t waste any time getting tricky. He fired off a magic missile. Tim had to admit, Julian’s form was improving. The glowing arrow didn’t sputter about like a fourth-hand used car in desperate need of a tune up. It sailed through the air like a shiny cruise missile and blasted a bit of flesh off the chest of the zombie that Dave was running toward, exposing its ribs. It didn’t even flinch.

  Cooper roared as he swung his axe horizontally. The blade sliced through the necks of two zombies. Neither of their heads was separated entirely from the body, but they both dropped to the ground.

  Dave’s target caught Cooper from behind before Dave could reach it. It jumped onto his back, hugging him over one shoulder and under the opposite armpit. It sank what remaining teeth it had deep into Cooper’s neck. Cooper was already screaming with rage, so it was difficult to tell if his current screaming was a reaction to pain.

  If there was any silver lining, it was that Dave’s zombie, now latched onto Cooper’s back, made for an exceptionally easy target for
Dave. He dropped his shield, grabbed the handle of his mace with both hands, and swung as hard as he could. The mace crunched into the creature’s back, collapsing the chest cavity entirely. Its arms and legs went limp, but it remained dangling off Cooper’s neck from the force of its bite. Cooper shrugged it off and it fell to the ground.

  Tim might have been encouraged by how the fight against that first wave had gone. He might have held out hope that they could make it through this if they stood their ground and got a bit lucky. He might have thought it possible that he’d live to see another sunrise. But the massive numbers of zombies currently emerging from the trees snuffed out any hope he had. Even Cooper, maddened with his barbarian battle rage, was taking small steps backward, even while screaming and brandishing his axe. Tim fired his crossbow listlessly into the crowd, not even looking to see if he hit a zombie. He loaded another bolt as he walked over to where Cooper and Dave were convening. He’d never see his sister or his parents again. He’d never again see moonlight sparkle down on the Gulf of Mexico. But if he was going to die today, at least he could meet his end standing alongside his friends.