The Man Who Has No Heart

by Victoria Quinn

  She shook it. “Ivonne. This is Christy.”

  “Deacon, switch with me.”

  I didn’t want to talk to them, so I was fine with that.

  Tucker spent the rest of the game flirting with them, one eye on the game and one eye on them.

  I watched the players move around out on the field but didn’t think about the game. I didn’t really think anything at all, but it wasn’t the peaceful calmness I had at the cabin. It was something else…like I was incapable of feeling anything at all.

  When the game was over, we made it to the front of the stadium.

  “You ladies want to get a drink?” Tucker asked. “There’s a great bar just a few blocks away.”

  “Sure,” Ivonne said.

  “I’m down,” Christy said.

  I pulled out my phone and texted my driver. I’m ready.

  Tucker must have seen what I wrote because he grabbed me by the arm. “Just give us a sec, ladies…” He directed me out of earshot. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  I stared at him blankly.

  “These chicks are so fucking hot, and you’re gonna go home?”

  I didn’t find them attractive at all. “I’m not interested.”

  He stared at me like I’d sprouted wings. “You aren’t interested in perfect pussy?”

  I hadn’t been with anyone in a long time. It’d been months…at least. But I wasn’t eager to get laid. “Guess not.”

  “Dude, what is going on with you? Are you and Cleo together?”

  The mention of her made my mood sour even more. “No.”

  “Then…?” He raised both hands. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “You don’t need me, Tucker. Fuck both of them.”

  “Uh, no. Ivonne wants you. Christy wants me. I can’t just go alone.”

  “Well, I’m not interested,” I snapped. “I just want to go home.” I saw the driver pull up to the curb. “Bye, Tucker.” I started to walk away.

  He tugged me back. “Deacon—”

  “Grab me like that again, and I’ll break your arm myself.”

  He stilled at my threat and raised both his hands in the air like I was holding him at gunpoint. “Alright, man. Let’s just calm down.”

  “I am calm.”

  “Deacon, what’s going on with you? I know you’re a moody guy, but I’ve never seen you like this. Did something happen with Valerie?”

  I hadn’t spoken to her since I’d screamed at her. “No.”

  “Then what am I missing here?”

  I glanced past his shoulder and saw two guys move in on Christy and Ivonne. “You should go, Tucker. Otherwise, someone else is gonna snatch them.”

  He didn’t even turn around. “I don’t give a shit about them. You’re the one I give a shit about. Now tell me what’s up.”

  I bowed my head and sighed.

  Tucker continued to wait, forgetting the girls altogether.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know what?”

  “I don’t know what’s wrong.”

  He cocked an eyebrow.

  “Cleo and I haven’t spoken in three weeks…”

  His eyebrow lowered, and he crossed his arms over his chest. “What happened?”

  I didn’t want to relive the conversation. “After she dropped off Derek, she came to my place and…said she wanted to be with me.”

  He shook his head slightly. “And you fucked it up?”

  “I told her I didn’t want to be in a relationship.”

  He sighed loudly.

  “Now, she won’t talk to me.”

  “She dropped you as a client?”

  “No…she still does everything for me. But she waits until I’m not home, and if I am home, she sends someone else instead. Now I have no interaction with her at all.”

  He watched me for a while, pity in his gaze.

  I watched the girls get into the cab with the guys who replaced us.

  Tucker didn’t care. “Deacon, why isn’t this obvious to you?”

  I stared at him.

  “You don’t miss what she does for you…you just miss her.”

  My life still ran fluidly. She still took care of me completely. That part hadn’t changed. The only thing missing was her…her smile…our conversations…our friendship.

  My hand moved to my chest. “I feel angry all the time. But I don’t feel anything at all at the same time. There’s this pain right here that just won’t go away. And I hate people…but I feel so lonely. I feel like there’s something missing.”

  He continued to study me. “Deacon, you told her you didn’t want a relationship…but you were already in a relationship.”

  I didn’t understand the statement.

  “She was the person you spent all your time with. She was the person you confided everything to. She was the person you had a connection with. Now, that’s gone… You’re going through a breakup. What you feel is heartache.”

  “But we didn’t do anything—”

  “Relationships don’t need to be physical. They’re even stronger when they aren’t physical, actually. Just because you didn’t kiss her or sleep with her doesn’t mean you weren’t in that relationship with her…completely.”

  I dropped my gaze.

  “You haven’t been with anyone in a long time, right?”

  I nodded.

  “Why?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “You were picking up women like crazy, and then you just stopped. You stopped because Cleo is the one you want.”

  I continued to stare at the concrete. “I don’t want to be in another relationship—”

  “Well, you are. Too fucking bad. And you were in the best relationship of your life. That’s why it hurts so much, Deacon. Because she was the right person for you. It doesn’t hurt unless it was good. The more it hurts, the more real it was.”

  I raised my chin and looked at him.

  “Deacon, you’ve already waited so long. It might be too late to fix this.”

  My heart started to race.

  “She’s nothing like Valerie. The comparison is fucking insulting.”

  Guilt rushed through me, remembering the way I’d spoken to her, said things I didn’t mean. I was just pissed off with Valerie at the time, letting the emotions get to me.

  “Fix this, Deacon…if there’s still time.”

  I sat on my couch in my condo, my face resting in my palms. Now that I’d told Tucker how I felt, the pain was worse. It was a constant throbbing sensation that never dulled. It was there when I woke up; it was there when I went to sleep. Even when I was focused on my work, not thinking about anything, it was there.

  I didn’t realize what she meant to me until she was gone.

  I’d always been alone, but now I hated how lonely it made me feel.

  I hated myself for the way I’d hurt her, for the stupid shit I’d said.

  She was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me…and I threw her away.

  Sixteen

  Cleo

  My coffee table was bare now.

  I threw the vase of flowers against the wall and watched it shatter to pieces.

  Since I let go of my housekeeper, the shards were still in random places on the kitchen floor. The flowers had been tossed and the dirty water had been cleaned up, but I didn’t have a broom to sweep up every single piece of the glass, so I just kicked it under the counters and refrigerator.

  That’d been almost a month ago.

  Deacon broke my heart just the way I broke that vase, and I spent my time trying to forget about him, to return to life as it had been before we met. I threw myself into work, made some mistakes with Jake, and attempted to resume a normal life.

  That was easier said than done.

  There were times I missed him. He used to be my closest friend, the person I looked forward to seeing the most. I missed the things we used to do together, our easy conversations, spending time with his son.


  But that was all over.

  A part of me hoped he would change his mind, but once a full week had passed, I knew it would never happen.

  Now, a month had come and gone…and it was like our relationship never happened.

  He was just a memory.

  I wasn’t sure what I was to him.

  I sat on the couch and watched TV, still in my work clothes because I’d been too tired to change. My apartment had returned to its constant state of disarray now that the housekeeper had been let go. There were clothes everywhere, burrito wrappers, cardboard boxes from frozen pizzas…it was a mess.

  But I didn’t care. I had no one to impress anymore.

  My heels were under the coffee table, and my feet were up on the other end of the sofa. My phone lay on my stomach, as if I would get a phone call or text any second, another client needing something else.

  But there was a knock on the door instead.

  I wasn’t expecting company, so it was either a random solicitor or someone dropping by. I walked to the door barefoot, smoothed out my skirt, and then looked through the peephole.

  It was Deacon.

  I pulled away from the door and stilled.

  Shit, it was Deacon.

  My heart raced with adrenaline, and I didn’t know what to do. The TV was on, so he knew I was home. I was frozen in place, unsure how to proceed. I wanted to be quiet and wait for him to leave, but I knew he would just come back…until he said whatever he wanted to say.

  I rested my forehead against the door.

  Fuck, I was going to be sick.

  He knocked again, the door vibrating against me because it was a thin piece of wood.

  I took a deep breath before I opened the door, my eyes connecting to his instantly. They were deep brown like I remembered, serious, focused, intense. He was in a black t-shirt and dark jeans, still muscular and tanned, like he’d been to the cabin recently. I kept one hand on the door, like that would keep him out. I cleared my throat. “Yes?” My heart raced even harder than it had when I’d confronted him at his condo. I was suddenly sweaty, suddenly weak, suddenly terrified…even though he couldn’t hurt me more than he already had.

  He slid his hands into his pockets, staring at me for a long time. “Can I come in?”

  My hand stayed on the door because I wanted to close it in his face. I wanted to tell him to leave, that I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. He’d had his opportunity to talk to me in a civil manner, and he chose to insult me and break my heart instead. But I was weak, too weak to be as cold to him as he was to me. I stepped aside and opened the door wider.

  He stepped into my apartment, his eyes immediately moving to the coffee table where his flowers had been.

  I shut the door then grabbed the remote to turn off the TV. The background noise disappeared, and now only the suffocating silence was left. I turned to him, my arms crossed over my chest, feeling small without my heels on. Our height difference had never been so stark, except when we went on that hike in our running shoes. “Deacon, it’s nothing personal. I just don’t have the time to—”

  “Please let me talk.” He spoke quietly, gently, completely different from the way we’d spoken to each other lately. Even his text messages sounded angry. Now, he seemed somber, his eyes a little dead.

  I took a deep breath.

  “I’m so bad at this stuff, so just be patient with me…”

  My arms tightened.

  He brought his hands together in front of his chest, his palms gently rubbing together, as if he needed to move in some way as he considered what he would say next. “It’s been a rough month for me,” he whispered. “I didn’t understand what I was feeling, why I felt so terrible…until it became obvious. I’ve been angry, numb…heartbroken.”

  My eyes moved to his face, my breathing starting to pick up.

  “I thought we were close because of all the things you do for me. I’ve never had anyone I could rely on to keep my best interests at the forefront. But once you were gone and all those things stayed the same…I realized that has nothing to do with the way I feel about you. The only thing I miss right now…is you.” He extended his closed hands toward me, gesturing in my direction. “Now, I realize you delivered my mail to me when I was there on purpose, so you could see me. You never had to do that. You chose to do that. That’s what I miss…seeing you walk through my front door and join me for dinner.”

  I thought I was too heartbroken to feel any affection for him, but my chest immediately tightened at his words…like they meant the world to me.

  “You know I don’t like to be around people. I prefer solitude—always. But now that you aren’t around anymore…I’m lonely. It’s like when I lost Derek. There’s always something missing now. Like…a piece of me is gone.”

  I breathed, my eyes starting to smart.

  He lowered his hands to his waist. “I told you I’m not ready to be in a relationship, but we were already in a relationship. I realize that now. And I also realize how happy you made me…how much we had.”

  I’d never expected him to say any of this. It was hard to keep a straight face when I absorbed every single word like a sponge.

  He bowed his head for a moment. “I want us to be together…romantically, physically, emotionally…if you’ll still have me.”

  My hands gripped my arms because I couldn’t believe he’d said the words I’d wanted him to say a month ago. It was so shocking coming out of his mouth that I could hardly believe it.

  He stared at me expectantly, like he wanted my answer.

  But I couldn’t talk. I was overwhelmed.

  He took a deep breath before he continued on. “You’re the only person in the world who understands me, who even tried to understand me, and I shouldn’t have taken that for granted. It’s my biggest regret.” He raised his palms again. “I feel completely comfortable with you, the way I feel with my son, and that’s a feeling I miss so much…to feel accepted.” He pulled his hands apart and let them fall to his sides. “I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

  I nodded slightly, struggling to hold back the tears.

  “Comparing you to Valerie…was wrong. I’m sorry I did that.”

  A tear escaped and dripped down my cheek.

  He watched me for a moment, his eyes starting to glisten like he hated himself for hurting me. “It was insulting…and I didn’t mean it. She was the wrong person, and you’re the right person. I trust you—completely.”

  Another tear fell.

  His eyes started to shine more. “After you dropped off Derek, she called me…and we got into it. She really pissed me off. I was just…in a bad place when you came by my condo. It doesn’t justify what I said, but I think that conversation would have played out differently if she hadn’t called me.”

  I remembered how short and cold he was, how he was like a whole different person. Even if he didn’t like what I had to say, I thought he would have more compassion than what he showed me.

  He turned quiet, just staring at me.

  It was the only time our positions had been reserved, when he was the one doing all the talking and I just got to listen.

  He sighed quietly, and after he blinked his eyes, the moisture receded.

  My heart was still racing. My eyes were wet. I wanted him as much now as I did then, his previous crimes forgiven like they’d never happened. The connection I felt to him was so strong that I couldn’t stay mad at him…not when he said all those beautiful things to me.

  He took a step toward me, getting closer, his eyes still glued to my face. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize all this.” His voice dropped lower. “I hope I’m not too late…” His eyes shifted back and forth as he looked into mine, looking for a sign, looking for hope. “Because you’re the only woman I want to be with.”

  I closed my eyes, two tears falling down my cheeks, creating rivers in my makeup, making my eyes puffy, my cheeks red. My eyes opened again, and I looked into his, seein
g the pain in his eyes…like he feared he’d lost me for good.

  I moved closer into him, my hands sliding around his strong torso as I embraced him. I leaned my cheek on his as my palms flattened against his back, feeling that same chemistry I always felt when I came near him.

  It took him a second to respond, to understand this was real, that I wanted him. His arms immediately snaked around my waist, and he pulled me close, holding me in a way he never had before, his large hands digging into my flesh. His forehead touched mine, and he took a deep breath, like the affection erased all the pain he’d been carrying for weeks.

  I closed my eyes as I cherished his touch, felt all the wounds underneath the skin heal. The pieces of my broken heart came back together and fused, just the subtle lines of scar tissue remaining. I felt whole again, like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

  He held me for a long time, his powerful arms keeping me locked in place. His breathing was quicker than usual, his heartbeat still fast when it was normally calm and steady.

  I opened my eyes and looked at him.

  His hand left my waist and moved to my cheek, his fingers sliding farther up so my hair was pushed behind my ear. His thumb brushed along my soft skin, over the corner of my mouth, across the river of tears that had started to dry. He lifted my chin slightly, his fingertips resting against my neck.

  Time had slowed down. The anxiety and despair I’d felt disappeared. I was calm, at peace, as if my frantically beating heart needed to hear his pulse for it to return to its usual pace. I felt safe, like this man would never hurt me, never betray me the way my husband had. I trusted him so much it made me want to cry.

  He stared at me for a few more heartbeats, his eyes on my lips.

  I’d been waiting for this for so long, had been thinking about it every time I looked at his handsome face. I didn’t need to feel his lips to know our embrace would be amazing, to know it would feel right. Just holding his hand gave me butterflies.

  He pulled my face to his as he touched his lips to mine. He kissed me, our lips coming together like two opposing magnets. It was a soft landing, our full lips gently joining with the perfect pressure. His hand slid farther into my hair as he took his first breath, his fingers quickly fisting it like he wanted to use it as a way to keep me close.