by E A Owen
I just wrapped my arms around her and gave her a big hug while she cried on my shoulder. “Natalie, honey, kids say some very cruel things, but let me just tell you this: they are ignorant because they don't know the situation and the awful things you have been through. If only they knew, and of course it's none of their business, they would be comforting you and being kind, not saying these horrible things about you or to you. This was not of your fault. You are just a child, and no kid should have to go through what you have. And I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you to stop this from happening. I'm your mom and I should have known something very wrong was going on and I feel guilty for not doing anything about it.” I felt a big lump forming in my throat and it became difficult to speak.
“Mom, don't blame yourself. You had no idea, and neither did Dad. I wasn't honest with you about Dad being gone while you were away on your business trips and Joseph staying here with me. I kept secrets from you, and I kept this secret from Dad too. And because I didn't tell either of you what Joseph was doing to me, Dad killed himself.” Natalie began to cry uncontrollably again and buried her face into me even deeper while I rubbed the top of her head.
“Sweetheart, do not ever blame yourself for what your father did. It is no one's fault but Joseph's, and he is in prison, being punished for hurting you like he did.” We sat silently on the floor for quite some time until Natalie broke the silence.
“Mom, I'm really hungry. I didn't eat lunch at school because I was too upset. Could we go to Guajajara’s for dinner? I'm really craving Mexican right now, and we could share a fried iced cream for dessert.”
“Of course we can, sweetheart. Let me grab my purse and we'll head right over. I'll meet you in the car.”
Dinner was delicious, but we always got disgusted looks every time we go out because my teenage daughter was pregnant. At first it bothered me and I just wanted to yell at everyone, “What are you looking at? It’s not what you think! My daughter was raped by a sick man who is in prison and this is not her fault, so mind your own damn business and leave us be!” But now I just ignore the awkward glances and encourage my daughter not to pay any attention to them, but that is always easier said than done. We stayed home as much as possible when she first started showing, which was sooner than most since she was pregnant with twins, because the looks and whispers bothered us so much. It was unbearable at first, but time has made it easier and we don't let them ruin our time out anymore because we are afraid of what other people think. My daughter deserves to live her life and not feel like she has to hide from everyone. She has been through enough.
We went to Natalie's OB appointment after school the following Wednesday afternoon. She was eight months pregnant now and her belly was huge. Natalie was a tiny girl, standing at 5ft 6in tall and 95 lbs, before the pregnancy. She has long, honey brown hair that reaches the middle of her back and big crystal-blue eyes. The doctor informed us that the babies were healthy and growing perfectly. This is usually a time to be happy, but it was just a reminder of the horrible things that man did to my daughter. Natalie decided not to find out the sexes of the babies since they were being put up for adoption and she thought the less she knew about them the easier it would be.
V
Natalie
Summer vacation was just around the corner, and Natalie was ecstatic. She was having a very difficult time dealing with all the rumors going around about her in school. She did a pretty good job hiding it, for the most part, but I could read, deep into her eyes, that she was hurting a great deal and didn't want to upset me. We had just finished eating Natalie's favorite, lasagna and cheesy garlic bread, for dinner at the breakfast bar in the kitchen. I was washing the dishes in the sink when Natalie came up beside me and started rinsing the soapy dishes I had set in the other side of the sink.
“Mom, do you think we could move somewhere far away from here, where no one knows us, after I have the babies?” I stopped washing the dishes and looked up at her.
“Of course, we can. I know this must be hard for you to deal with, especially the kids at school. I can talk to my boss, but we can make this work even if I have to find a new job. I will do whatever I have to, to give you a happy life and leave this one behind us. I was thinking, after you have the babies and have had some time to recover, we should take a nice vacation together, just the two of us, anywhere you want to go!” Natalie had a big smile on her face, the first time I have seen her smile without it being forced or fake in a long time. I gave Natalie a big hug. “I just want you to be happy, sweetheart. I will do whatever it takes!”
The phone rang and I walked across the room with the dish towel in my wet hands, drying them off. “Hello. Yes, this is she. I see. Okay. Thank you for calling.”
I hung up the phone and turned to Natalie. “That was the adoption agency. They wanted to let us know that the babies have a home, but unfortunately they could not keep them together. They will be going to different families, but they are confident this was the best decision since the only family that was willing to adopt twins backed out at the last minute due to a family emergency.”
Natalie looked down at the floor, started to cry, and ran out of the room. I could hear the pitter-patter of her footsteps as she ran up the stairs, then across the floor to her bedroom. She slammed her bedroom door closed behind her. I let out a big sigh, pulled out a wooden chair, and sat down. I covered my face with my hands and shook my head, letting out another big sigh as I slouched my shoulders. I needed to give her some space to deal with the news, to get her thoughts together, and she would talk to me when she is ready. I couldn’t imagine how hard this was for her to deal with: the raging emotions of a teenager, the hormonal changes of being pregnant, and by a man that molested and raped her for years and the death of her father, the cruel kids at school and all the horrible rumors being spread about her. It would be overwhelming enough for a mature adult to deal with all these things, let alone a poor fourteen-year-old girl. I could only hope it was not detrimental to her entire existence and it didn’t destroy her emotionally, so she could grow up to be a strong, confident, happy woman. It tore my heart into pieces to see my innocent little girl going through this at such a young age, but I knew I could not drown in despair over things I cannot change. I had to try to make a better life for us moving forward. A nice vacation and moving to a town where no one knows us would be the best options for us to try to move on with our lives and make the best of this awful hand we were dealt in life.
***
Three weeks later, and five weeks before Natalie's due date, I was awakened from a deep sleep by Natalie’s screaming. My eyes flew open and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. I sat up abruptly and swung my legs over the side of the bed until my feet touched the floor while I was searching in the dark with my hands for my glasses on the nightstand next to my bed. After locating them, I pushed them up the bridge of my nose and took off running down the hall to Natalie's bedroom. I found her leaning over the side of her bed, doubled over in pain and holding her very large belly with her small, delicate hands.
“Natalie, what's wrong?” I said in a panic.
“It's the babies! Something's wrong!” Natalie gasped as tears streamed down her rosy cheeks.
“Do you think you can walk to the car? If not, I can call an ambulance and they can carry you out on a stretcher?”
“I think I can walk, Mom.”
“You sure? You're going to have to walk down the stairs and I would hate for you to lose your balance and fall.”
“Mom, I don't think I can wait until the ambulance gets here. We have to go NOW!”
“Okay, let me help you up.” I grabbed both of her hands as Natalie struggled to stand to her feet. We walked hand in hand slowly, her entire body trembling in pain with every step she took. It seemed like an eternity before we made it to the car. I buckled her in and closed the door, then ran to the other side of the car and hopped in and backed out of the driveway as fast as I could. I squealed the tires as I
put it in drive and slammed the petal to the floor. It is about a twenty-minute drive to the nearest hospital, but it was 3:00 in the morning and not a single car was on the road. The speed limit was 35mph on this road, but this was an exception and I was driving almost double the legal limit, hoping and praying there were no cops around to pull me over.
The drive took half the time with no traffic and driving like a maniac. We reached the hospital, and I parked in front of the emergency entrance and ran inside to get a wheelchair. A staff in the emergency department grabbed a wheelchair and followed me to the car. Natalie was drenched in sweat and trembling while she held her belly as if she was trying to protect the babies from the pain she was experiencing. The gentleman helped Natalie into the wheelchair and pushed her into the brightly lit hospital and down the hall, then through the emergency room doors where she vanished from sight while I stayed behind, frantically filling out the necessary paperwork.
The babies were born only forty-five minutes after we arrived at the hospital, healthy except for being underweight because they were five weeks early. The boy was born first, at five pounds one ounce, and the girl after, weighing in at four pounds thirteen ounces. Natalie requested that the babies be removed from the room immediately after they were born because she did not want to be tempted to change her mind if she held the babies and got attached. She felt bad for the babies not getting the nurturing from their mother right away, but she knew this was for the best. She was too young, a child herself, to have the responsibility of raising any children. I fear not only that the circumstances of the pregnancy would just be a daily reminder of all that had befallen us but that we could not be able to give the love the babies deserved. Their lives would be better in someone else's care, someone who can truly love them for who they are and not how they were conceived. It was unfortunate the babies would be separated, but there was nothing we could do.
“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” I asked with deep concern as I brushed a strand of hair from her eyes.
“Tired and sore. I just want to go to sleep and forget this ever happened.” Natalie sighed and turned over on her side, curling into the fetal position with her hands wedged between her thighs.
“Okay, honey. I'll let you sleep. I will be lying in the chair across the room if you need anything.” I leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead, rubbed her upper arm and whispered in her ear, “I love you. Sleep tight.” I walked away and dropped down in the leather recliner across the room and slowly drifted to sleep.
I was awakened by a curdling scream that could have raised the dead it was so dreadful and filled with such deep despair. Three nurses came rushing to Natalie's side and pushed her bed through the door in panic, giving me no time to react. I jumped up and rushed out behind them.
“Excuse me!” I yelled. “Where are you taking my daughter? What is going on? What happened to her?” But they were so focused on Natalie I don't think they even heard me. We turned a corner and started down a long, endless hall that seemed to be getting smaller and smaller. I started to breathe heavily, my body felt like I was on fire, and I was getting lightheaded and dizzy. I lost my balance and had to catch myself on a nearby wall to keep from falling. The nurses continued ahead, now picking up their pace. They were almost running as they disappeared through the swinging doors to the emergency room. My eyes were getting heavy and the room seemed to swallow me whole.
The next thing I knew I was back in Natalie's room feeling groggy and confused. I sat up, and took a deep breath, holding my head in my hands. My head was pounding, and I suddenly felt nauseous. I jumped out of the bed and ran to the bathroom. What is wrong with me? And where is Natalie? I got sick and slowly stood to my feet, grabbing hold of the sink to pull myself up. I looked up into the mirror above the sink, and the first thing I noticed was how swollen and puffy my eyes were and I was white as a ghost. I just stood there, my hands gripping the edge of the sink to keep me from falling, staring at my reflection in the mirror.
I heard a light knock at the door and then someone opened the door and walked in. “Mrs. Hamlin?” a deep voice echoed through the room.
“I'm in the bathroom, I'll be out in just a minute,” I said faintly. “Mrs. Hamlin?” I took a deep breath, got my composure, and turned the door knob to the bathroom door. “I'm right here,” I said as I slowly pushed through the door.
“You shouldn't be out of bed without the help of one of our nurses. You could fall again. You're not strong enough to get up on your own,” the doctor said with concern. He was an attractive, tall and slender man with salt and pepper hair and a five o'clock shadow.
“Where is my daughter? What happened to her?” I asked as I slowly walked to the bed and sat down.
“That's why I am here. You fainted and have been resting for several hours. Natalie's body didn’t have the stretching capacity required to deliver twins because of her small body frame and young age. She tore her uterus and lost a lot of blood. She was hemorrhaging, and we had to operate immediately to save her life. The good news is that she will be just fine and is recovering now. The bad news is we had to remove her uterus and ovaries because the tear was too severe to repair. She will never be able to have kids again.”
I just sat there, distraught, as I tried to absorb all the news. I broke down and cried so hard. it was difficult to breathe.
“Mrs. Hamlin, I know this is not the news you wanted to hear, but I will give you some time to yourself, and Natalie will be brought back in here as soon I check on her again and make sure her vital signs are stable enough to leave the emergency room. If you need absolutely anything, please let us know. We are here to help,” he said as he put his hand on top of mine.
His touch was warm and soft. I looked up at him, his eyes were sad. I forced a smile and nodded. He dropped his head and walked out the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I started to cry again. I grabbed a tissue from the stand next to the bed and tried to blow my nose, but nothing came out. How could this be happening to us? Haven't we been through enough? And now this! Natalie is going to be devastated! What can I say to her to make her feel better? There's nothing! I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss for words. All I can do is be here for her, a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen. My poor Natalie doesn't deserve any of this; she is only fourteen!
Natalie was out of the hospital in five days. She never even glanced in the nursery room when we walked by. I honestly think she was having second thoughts once she found out she would never be able to have children of her own after this operation, but once she signed the adoption paperwork, there was no turning back.
On our drive back to the house, we rode in silence. As I slowly pulled into the driveway, Natalie let out a long sigh. We sat in the driveway for a few moments and Natalie finally spoke. “Mom, I'm ready to start a new life, to forget all this happened, to move on and live somewhere no one knows me. I’m ready to feel normal again and not like an outcast or like a black cloud is hovering over me.”
“Let's go inside, honey. I'll make you a BLT for lunch and we can discuss our options and look online for places we would like to move to. It’s going to be okay, Natalie. I'm here for you and I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy again!” I said as she wiped the tears running down her cheek. She sniffled and nodded as she pushed the car door open. I grabbed her bag out of the back seat and followed behind as she walked slowly to the front door with her head down.
***
Two weeks later, we pulled out of the driveway, heading for a new life on the beautiful island of Hawaii. As we pulled away, all I could see in my rearview mirror was the For Sale sign in the front yard of our house. We were leaving behind all our painful memories and hoping to open the doors to a new life where not a soul knew anything about our dark past. We would have the life we always dreamed of, I decided, and my mind was wrapped in nothing but happy thoughts just as a car came speeding through a red light at the intersection, smashing into the passenger’s side door where Natalie
was seated. All I remember was the shattering of glass and screams echoing through the streets as everything turned black.
Part II
VI
Trevor
I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. I lay in bed for three hours last night listening to my parents scream and yell at each other all night. My dad came home late again last night, and my mom had been drinking all day. To be honest, we haven't heard from my dad in a few days, and this is happening on a regular basis now.
I'm fifteen and finishing up my sophomore year at Kennedy High School in Butterfield, Virginia. My parents, Travis and Tammy, tried for years to have children of their own, which resulted in their relationship deteriorating. My mother wanted a baby so bad and my father wanted to finish his degree before having any children. My mother gave my father a guilt trip about his commitment to their relationship. He pleaded with her to wait, but she wouldn't have it. She threatened: it's a baby or nothing at all. They really loved each other, and he didn't want her to leave him, and so he sacrificed everything to make her happy. Unfortunately, she didn't get pregnant right away like she had hoped. They went to a specialist, paid an arm and a leg for fertility drugs and the whole nine yards. But what they needed was a miracle. Doctors explained the stress could be causing them problems with getting pregnant. But everything they tried didn't work and my mother was getting very impatient. She was absolutely obsessed. My father was spent and exhausted and started drifting away more and more. He resented my mother, feeling like all she cared about was having a baby. He thought she let the rest of her world crumble around her.
In a last-ditch effort to save their marriage, my father suggested adoption. But even the adoption didn't save it. Even though they are still physically married, they are not emotionally—it’s more out of convenience now than anything. My mother knows she drove my father away, but instead of talking things out, she just drinks to cover up the pain, but it only makes things worse; and now, as a result, she has a serious drinking problem. I come home some days from school and she is passed out on the couch, reeking of booze. She can't keep a job, has stopped cleaning the house, and will go days without showering. My father disappears for days at a time, and my mom thinks he's having an affair but she doesn't blame him at all. She just looks the other way. She has put on a lot of weight the last few years. I've seen my parents wedding photos and both my parents were a thin, attractive couple. My mom has put on close to 100 pounds since the wedding and my father looks about the same, except he looks tired all the time. I think the only reason they stay together is because of me. But I don't even feel like a part of this family. My dad is gone all the time and my mom is so drunk she doesn't even know where she is most of the time. I have been taking care of myself since I was twelve. I prepare all the meals, clean the house, do laundry, and somehow am still able to get good grades in all my classes.