Redshirts

by John Scalzi

  Dahl looked back out the door, to where Q’eeng had turned, and then back to the new crew member. “Hi,” Dahl said. “You weren’t here two seconds ago.”

  “Yeah, we do that,” the crew member said, and walked over to Dahl and stretched out his hand. “Jake Cassaway.”

  “Andy Dahl.” Dahl took his hand and shook it. “And how exactly do you do that?”

  “Trade secret,” Cassaway said.

  A door opened from the other side of the lab and another crew member entered the room from it.

  “There goes the trade secret,” Cassaway said.

  “What’s in there?” Dahl asked, motioning to the door.

  “It’s a storage room,” Cassaway said.

  “You were hiding in the storage room?” Dahl said.

  “We weren’t hiding,” said the other crew member. “We were doing inventory.”

  “Andy Dahl, this is Fiona Mbeke,” Cassaway said.

  “Hello,” Dahl said.

  “You should be glad that we were doing inventory,” Mbeke said. “Because now that means that it won’t be assigned to you as the new guy.”

  “Well, then, thanks,” Dahl said.

  “We’ll still make you get coffee,” Mbeke said.

  “I would expect nothing less,” Dahl said.

  “And look, here is the rest of us,” Cassaway said, and nodded as two new people came through the hallway door.

  One of them immediately approached Dahl. He saw the lieutenant’s pip on her shoulder and saluted.

  “Relax,” Collins said, and nevertheless returned the salute. “The only time we salute around here is when His Majesty comes through the door.”

  “You mean Commander Q’eeng,” Dahl said.

  “You see the pun there,” Collins said. “With ‘king,’ which is what his name sounds like.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Dahl said.

  “That’s a little nerd humor for you,” Collins said.

  “I got it, ma’am,” Dahl said, smiling.

  “Good,” Collins said. “Because the last thing we need is another humorless prick around here. You met Cassaway and Mbeke, I see.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Dahl said.

  “You’ve figured out that I’m your boss,” she said, then motioned to the other crew member. “And this is Ben Trin, who is second in command of the lab.” Trin came forward to shake Dahl’s hand. Dahl shook it. “And that’s all of us.”

  “Except for Jenkins,” Mbeke said.

  “Well, he won’t see Jenkins,” Collins said.

  “He might,” Mbeke said.

  “When was the last time you saw Jenkins?” Trin said to Mbeke.

  “I thought I saw him once, but it turned out to be a yeti,” Cassaway said.

  “Enough about Jenkins,” Collins said.

  “Who’s Jenkins?” Dahl asked.

  “He’s doing an independent project,” Collins said. “Very intensive. Forget it, you’ll never see him. Now…” She reached over to one of the tables in the lab, grabbed a tablet and fired it up. “You come to us with some very nice scores from the Academy, Mr. Dahl.”

  “Thank you, ma’am,” Dahl said.

  “Is Flaviu Antonescu still heading up the Xenobiology Department?” Collins asked.

  “Yes, ma’am,” Dahl said.

  “Please stop appending ‘ma’am’ to every sentence, Dahl, it sounds like you have a vocal tic.”

  Dahl smiled again. “All right,” he said.

  Collins nodded and looked back at the tablet. “I’m surprised Flaviu recommended you for the Intrepid.”

  “He refused at first,” Dahl said, remembering the discussion with his Academy department head. “He wanted me to take a post at a research facility on Europa.”

  “Why didn’t you take it?” Collins asked.

  “I wanted to see the universe, not be down a sixty-kilometer ice tunnel, looking at Europan microbes.”

  “You have something against Europan microbes?” Collins asked.

  “I’m sure they’re very nice as microbes go,” Dahl said. “They deserve someone who really wants to study them.”

  “You must have been pretty insistent to get Flaviu to change his mind,” Collins said.

  “My scores were high enough to get Commander Q’eeng’s attention,” Dahl said. “And as luck would have it, a position opened up here.”

  “It wasn’t luck,” Mbeke said.

  “It was a Longranian Ice Shark,” Cassaway said.

  “Which is the opposite of luck,” Mbeke said.

  “A what?” Dahl asked.

  “The crew member you’re replacing was Sid Black,” Trin said. “He was part of an away team to Longran Seven, which is an ice planet. While exploring an abandoned ice city, the away team was attacked by ice sharks. They carried Sid off. He wasn’t seen again.”

  “His leg was,” Mbeke said. “The lower half, anyway.”

  “Quiet, Fiona,” Collins said, irritated. She set down the tablet and looked back at Dahl. “You met Commander Q’eeng,” she said.

  “I did,” Dahl said.

  “Did he talk to you about away missions?” Collins asked.

  “Yes,” Dahl said. “He asked me if I was interested in them.”

  “What did you say?” Collins asked.

  “I said I usually did lab work but I assumed I would participate on away missions as well,” Dahl said. “Why?”

  “He’s on Q’eeng’s radar now,” Trin said to Collins.

  Dahl looked at Trin and back at Collins. “Is there something I’m missing here, ma’am?” he asked.

  “No,” Collins said, and glanced over at Trin. “I just prefer to have the option to indoctrinate my crew before Q’eeng gets his hands on them. That’s all.”

  “Is there some philosophical disagreement there?” Dahl asked.

  “It’s not important,” Collins said. “Don’t worry yourself about it. Now,” she said. “First things first.” She pointed over to the corner. “You get that workstation. Ben will issue you a work tablet and give you your orientation, and Jake and Fiona will catch you up on anything else you want to know. All you have to do is ask. Also, as the new guy you’re on coffee duty.”

  “I was already told about that,” Dahl said.

  “Good,” Collins said. “Because I could use a cup right about now. Ben, get him set up.”

  * * *

  “So, did you guys get asked about away teams?” Duvall asked, as she brought her mess tray to the table where Dahl and Hanson were already sitting.

  “I did,” Hanson said.

  “So did I,” Dahl said.

  “Is it just me, or does everyone on this ship seem a little weird about them?” Duvall asked.

  “Give me an example,” Dahl said.

  “I mean that within five minutes of getting to my new post I heard three different stories of crew buying the farm on an away mission. Death by falling rock. Death by toxic atmosphere. Death by pulse gun vaporization.”

  “Death by shuttle door malfunction,” Hanson said.

  “Death by ice shark,” Dahl said.

  “Death by what?” Duvall said, blinking. “What the hell is an ice shark?”

  “You got me,” Dahl said. “I had no idea there was such a thing.”

  “Is it a shark made of ice?” Hanson asked. “Or a shark that lives in ice?”

  “It wasn’t specified at the time,” Dahl said, spearing a meat bit on his tray.

  “I’m thinking you should have called bullshit on the ice shark story,” Duvall said.

  “Even if the details are sketchy, it fits your larger point,” Dahl said. “People here have away missions on the brain.”

  “It’s because someone always dies on them,” Hanson said.

  Duvall arched an eyebrow at this. “What makes you say that, Jimmy?”

  “Well, we’re all replacing former crew members,” Hanson said, and then pointed at Duvall. “What happened to the one you replaced. Transferred out?”

&n
bsp; “No,” Duvall said. “He was the death by vaporization one.”

  “And mine got sucked out of the shuttle,” Hanson said. “And Andy’s got eaten by a shark. Maybe. You have to admit there’s something going on there. I bet if we tracked down Finn and Hester, they’d tell us the same thing.”

  “Speaking of which,” Dahl said, and motioned with his fork. Hanson and Duvall looked to where he pointed to see Hester standing by the end of the mess line, tray in hand, staring glumly around the mess hall.

  “He’s not the world’s most cheerful person, is he,” Duvall said.

  “Oh, he’s all right,” Hanson said, and then called to Hester. Hester jumped slightly at his name, seemed to consider whether he should join the three of them, and then appeared to resign himself to it, walked over and sat down. He began to pick at his food.

  “So,” Duvall finally said, to Hester. “How’s your day?”

  Hester shrugged and picked at his food some more, then finally grimaced and set down his fork. He looked around the table.

  “What is it?” Duvall asked.

  “Is it just me,” Hester said, “or is everyone on this ship monumentally fucked up about away missions?”

  CHAPTER THREE

  Dahl was at his workstation, classifying Theta Orionis XII spores, when Ben Trin’s work tablet pinged. Trin glanced at it, said “I’m going to get some coffee,” and headed out the door.

  What’s wrong with my coffee? Dahl wondered, as he went back to his work. In the week since his arrival on the Intrepid, Dahl had, as promised, been tasked with the role of coffee boy. This consisted of keeping the coffee pot in the storage room topped off and getting coffee for his lab mates whenever they rattled their mugs. They weren’t obnoxious about it—they got their own coffee more often than not—but they enjoyed exercising their coffee boy privileges from time to time.

  This reminded Dahl that he needed to check on the status of the coffee pot. Cassaway had been the last one to get a cup; Dahl looked up to ask him if it was time for him to start another pot.

  He was alone in the lab.

  “What the hell?” Dahl said, to himself.

  The outside door to the lab slid open and Q’eeng and Captain Abernathy stepped through.

  Dahl stood and saluted. “Captain, Commander,” he said.

  Q’eeng looked around the laboratory. “Where are your crewmates, Ensign Dahl?” he said.

  “Errands,” Dahl said, after a second.

  “He’ll do,” Abernathy said, and strode forward purposefully toward Dahl. He held a small vial. “Do you know what this is?” he said.

  A small vial, Dahl thought, but did not say. “A xenobiological sample,” he said instead.

  “Very good,” Abernathy said, and handed it to him. “As you know, Ensign, we are currently above the planet Merovia, a planet rich with artistic wonders but whose people are superstitiously opposed to medical practices of any sort.” He paused, as if waiting for acknowledgment.

  “Of course, sir,” Dahl said, giving what he hoped was the expected prompt.

  “Unfortunately, they are also in the throes of a global plague, which is decimating their population,” Q’eeng said. “The Universal Union is concerned that the damage caused by the plague will collapse their entire civilization, throwing the planet into a new dark age from which it will never recover.”

  “The government of Merovia has refused all Universal Union medical help,” Abernathy said. “So the Intrepid was secretly assigned to collect samples of the plague and engineer a counter-bacterial which we could release into the wild, burning out the plague.”

  Counter-bacterial? Dahl thought. Don’t they mean a vaccine? But before he could ask for clarification, Q’eeng was speaking again.

  “We sent a covert two-man away team to collect samples, but in doing so they became infected themselves,” Q’eeng said. “The Merovian Plague has already claimed the life of Ensign Lee.”

  “Damn plague liquefied the flesh right off her bones,” Abernathy said, grimly.

  “The other Intrepid crew member infected is Lieutenant Kerensky,” Q’eeng said. At this, both Abernathy and Q’eeng looked at Dahl intensely, as if to stress the sheer, abject horror of this Lieutenant Kerensky being infected.

  “Oh, no,” Dahl ventured. “Not Kerensky.”

  Abernathy nodded. “So you understand the importance of that little vial you have in your hands,” he said. “Use it to find the counter-bacterial. If you can do it, you’ll save Kerensky.”

  “And the Merovians,” Dahl said.

  “Yes, them too,” Abernathy said. “You have six hours.”

  Dahl blinked. “Six hours?”

  Abernathy angered at this. “Is there a problem, mister?” he asked.

  “It’s not a lot of time,” Dahl said.

  “Damn it, man!” Abernathy said. “This is Kerensky we’re talking about! If God could make the universe in six days, surely you can make a counter-bacterial in six hours.”

  “I’ll try, sir,” Dahl said.

  “Try’s not good enough,” Abernathy said, and clapped Dahl hard on the shoulder. “I need to hear you say that you’ll do it.” He shook Dahl’s shoulder vigorously.

  “I’ll do it,” Dahl said.

  “Thank you, Ensign Dill,” Abernathy said.

  “Dahl, sir,” Dahl said.

  “Dahl,” Abernathy said, and then turned to Q’eeng, turning his attention away from Dahl so completely it was as if a switch had been thrown. “Come on, Q’eeng. We need to make a hyperwave call to Admiral Drezner. We’re cutting things close here.” Abernathy strode out into the hallway, purposefully. Q’eeng followed, nodding to Dahl absentmindedly as he followed the captain.

  Dahl stood there for a moment, vial in his hand.

  “I’m going to say it again,” he said, again to himself. “What the hell?”

  * * *

  The storage room door opened; Cassaway and Mbeke came out of it. “What did they want?” Cassaway asked.

  “Checking inventory again?” Dahl asked, mockingly.

  “We don’t tell you how to do your job,” Mbeke said.

  “So what did they want?” Collins asked, as she briskly walked through the outside door, Trin following, cup of coffee in hand.

  Dahl thought hard about yelling at all of them, then stopped and refocused. He held up the vial. “I’m supposed to find a counter-bacterial for this.”

  “Counter-bacterial?” Trin asked. “Don’t you mean a vaccine?”

  “I’m telling you what they told me,” Dahl said. “And they gave me six hours.”

  “Six hours,” Trin said, looking at Collins.

  “Right,” Dahl said. “Which, even if I knew what a ‘counter-bacterial’ was, is no time at all. It takes weeks to make a vaccine.”

  “Dahl, tell me,” Collins said. “When Q’eeng and Abernathy were here, how were they talking to you?”

  “What do you mean?” Dahl asked.

  “Did they come in and quickly tell you what you needed?” Collins said. “Or did they go on and on about a bunch of crap you didn’t need to know?”

  “They went on a bit, yes,” Dahl said.

  “Was the captain particularly dramatic?” Cassaway asked.

  “What is ‘particularly dramatic’ in this context?” Dahl asked.

  “Like this,” Mbeke said, and then grabbed both of Dahl’s shoulders and shook them. “‘Damn it, man! There is no try! Only do!’”

  Dahl set down the vial so it was not accidentally shaken out of his grip. “He said pretty much exactly those words,” he said to Mbeke.

  “Well, they’re some of his favorite words,” Mbeke said, letting go.

  “I’m not understanding what any of this means,” Dahl said, looking at his lab mates.

  “One more question,” Collins said, ignoring Dahl’s complaint. “When they told you that you had to find this counter-bacterial in six hours, did they give you a reason why?”

  “Yes,” Dahl said. �
��They said that was the amount of time they had to save a lieutenant.”

  “Which lieutenant?” Collins said.

  “Why does it matter?” Dahl asked.

  “Answer the question, Ensign,” Collins said, uttering Dahl’s rank for the first time in a week.

  “A lieutenant named Kerensky,” Dahl said.

  There was a pause at the name.

  “That poor bastard,” Mbeke said. “He always gets screwed, doesn’t he.”

  Cassaway snorted. “He gets better,” he said, and then looked over to Dahl. “Somebody else died, right?”

  “An ensign named Lee was liquefied,” Dahl said.

  “See,” Cassaway said, to Mbeke.

  “Someone really needs to tell me what’s going on,” Dahl said.

  “Time to break out the Box,” Trin said, sipping his coffee again.

  “Right,” Collins said, and nodded to Cassaway. “Go get it, Jake.” Cassaway rolled his eyes and went to the storage room.

  “At least someone tell me who Lieutenant Kerensky is,” Dahl said.

  “He’s part of the bridge crew,” Trin said. “Technically, he’s an astrogator.”

  “The captain and Q’eeng said he was part of an away team, collecting biological samples,” Dahl said.

  “I’m sure he was,” Trin said.

  “Why would they send an astrogator for that?” Dahl said.

  “Now you know why I said ‘technically,’” Trin said, and took another sip.

  The storage room door slid open and Cassaway emerged with a small, boxy appliance in his hands. He walked it over to the closest free induction pad. The thing powered on.

  “What is that?” Dahl asked.

  “It’s the Box,” Cassaway said.

  “Does it have a formal name?” Dahl asked.

  “Probably,” Cassaway said.

  Dahl walked over and examined it, opening it and looking inside. “It looks like a microwave oven,” he said.

  “It’s not,” Collins said, taking the vial and bringing it to Dahl.

  “What is it, then?” Dahl asked, looking at Collins.

  “It’s the Box,” Collins said.

  “That’s it? ‘The Box’?” Dahl said.

  “If it makes you feel better to think it’s an experimental quantum-based computer with advanced inductive artificial intelligence capacity, whose design comes to us from an advanced but extinct race of warrior-engineers, then you can think about it that way,” Collins said.