No Bad Days

by J. Sterling

  I cocked my head. “Every freaking night, what? He takes his shirt off? I don’t get it?” I tried counting the well-defined abs that were now on display for everyone to enjoy.

  “At the end of the night, if a woman orders an Adios Pantelones, Ryan takes his shirt off and makes the drink before he sends them home.”

  Confused, I said, “But the drink means take your pants off, not your shirt, right?”

  Nick laughed. “Could you imagine if he took his pants off? Frank would kill him, and guys would stop coming here. The idiot takes off his shirt because it makes the girls go all swoony and dumb. And they always come back.”

  My jaw dropped open slightly. I could see how that might happen, but didn’t want to admit that to Nick. If I weren’t so into him, I’d definitely come here for the eye candy. The Fisher brothers—these guys should be gracing magazine covers and online websites the world over. They were that good looking.

  And the swooning over them that was going on right now, I completely understood it. I just happened to favor the youngest one. Thank God he didn’t work at the bar.

  A few days after formal and meeting Nick’s brothers, I believed nothing could stop the roll we were on. We felt solid, and I couldn’t remember ever feeling so content with him as I felt now.

  Rachel called out from the hallway, “Jess, you have a letter from Dean Corentha. Did you make his list again?” she asked, teasing me about making the dean’s list last semester for my outstanding grades.

  “Did you get one?” I narrowed my eyes at her. Letters from the dean were rare.

  “Nope,” she said before bouncing off into her room.

  When I opened the letter, my heart started to race with the first sentence.

  Dear Miss Michaelson,

  * * *

  It is with much regret that I must inform you that your major of Film Production will no longer being offered as part of our school curriculum after the spring semester of this current school year. We know that choosing a major is an extremely difficult and personal process, and apologize for the late notice in this matter. If you would like help choosing a new major that we offer, please schedule an appointment with your counselor at your earliest convenience.

  * * *

  Here at State, we pride ourselves on bringing our students diverse and useful majors that will help you in the real world. If this news means that State is no longer the right home for you, I encourage you to meet with your counselor as soon as possible to discuss your future options, as we may have recommendations and help that we can offer.

  * * *

  I apologize that this letter does not bring better news. I hope that you will continue your education here at State, but understand if that is no longer an option for you.

  * * *

  Sincerely,

  Dean Samuel Corentha

  Shit.

  Shit.

  Shit.

  Nick had been right.

  “Jess, you’re pale. I mean, paler than normal for a white girl.”

  Rachel’s voice entered my head as I handed the letter to her without saying a word. She gasped twice as she read it, only fueling my nausea.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I guess I’ll meet with my counselor and see what she thinks.”

  “This blows.”

  “The last thing I want to do is transfer, but I can’t stay here if they don’t have my major anymore.” I headed for my room, wanting to curl up into a ball and wish the bad news away.

  “Miss Michaelson, you have a couple of options.” My counselor brushed her long black hair back over her shoulder. “The first is you can switch majors and continue at State.”

  I shook my head. I refused to change my major. That wasn’t an option.

  “Or you can transfer and I can help. The professor who used to run the program here transferred to Northern a while back. It’s up in Northern California; I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Anyway, he runs the program there now, and they’re really good. They’ve won awards the last two years. I’m more than happy to give him a call and put you two in touch with each other if you’d like?”

  “Are there any schools in Southern California that still offer my major?”

  She cocked her head to the side. “There are. Although I don’t believe that any of the programs are student-run, but you’d have to look that up yourself.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean that they have the equipment, but they’re all run by outsiders. Most of them don’t even have students involved at all. No college film program in California is a hundred percent student owned and operated anymore, aside from Northern.”

  “Do you at least have a list of the local schools?”

  “I’m supposed to recommend you do all the legwork on your own, but since I feel like this is State’s fault, I’ll help you out.”

  Generous, I thought, keeping my sarcasm to myself.

  She handed me a piece of paper where she had scribbled the names of three local schools for me to research.

  “Thanks,” I said before standing up. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course, Miss Michaelson.”

  “Do you think any of the local schools are a smart choice for me?”

  Her smile faded away. “I don’t. Not for what you want to do. I honestly think that Northern is your best bet. You’ll get a lot of hands-on experience there, and like I mentioned before, they’ve been winning awards for their program. They’re kind of a big deal.”

  A scary thought hit me. “Will I be able to get in?” I asked, concerned that the best option wouldn’t be an option at all.

  “Yes. I will personally make sure that transferring isn’t an issue, if that’s what you choose to do.”

  My eyes burning, I sucked in a long breath and fought back the tears that threatened.

  “I’m sorry I don’t have better news,” she said. “Would you like me to reach out to the professor running the program on your behalf?”

  “Yes, please. That would be helpful, thanks.”

  She stood and extended her hand, and I shook it before turning and heading out the door.

  I had no idea where I’d be going to school next year, but I knew for certain that it wouldn’t be at State. And that meant leaving everything and everyone I loved behind for the sake of my future and my dreams.

  I didn’t know if I could do it, but I knew that I had to.

  Weak

  Nick

  When Jess said we needed to talk, my stomach rolled and my shoulders instantly tightened. I had no idea what the news could be, but my instincts told me it couldn’t be good. She had never “needed to talk” before. Heading over to her apartment for dinner, when I could barely stomach the thought of even eating, I carried half a dozen cupcakes from her favorite bakery on the slim chance that she might tell me something worth celebrating.

  I realized that it was definitely not a cupcake-worthy moment as soon as I walked through the front door and caught sight of her face. She looked like she’d been crying, and I fucking hated it, couldn’t stand the thought.

  “What is it, baby?” I tossed the box on the counter, my concern only for the girl in front of me and not the cakes that had most likely just toppled over inside the box. I stepped close to her and traced the tearstains on her cheek with my thumb.

  “Remember that day in the football stadium when you said they were canceling my major?”

  I thought back to that afternoon. It seemed like a hundred years ago. I knew then that I had been right, but I had convinced her otherwise in an attempt to calm her fears. I’d all but forgotten about that conversation until this moment. Somehow in the midst of falling for Jess, I’d convinced myself that I had been wrong too.

  “Yeah, I remember.” My throat tightened.

  “Well, you were right.”

  She shoved a piece of paper at me and I took it out of her shaking hands, the knots in my stomach twisting tighter with each word that I rea
d.

  “What does this mean?”

  I hoped it only meant she’d switch majors and stay at State, but I knew better than that. Hell, I knew Jess better than that. She would never stay at a school that couldn’t help her reach her career goals. I wouldn’t either, if I were her.

  “I have to . . . I have to transfer to another school.” She stumbled on the words, clearly holding something back from me.

  I struggled to swallow as I forced myself to calm down. Transferring wasn’t necessarily a deal breaker. There were tons of other colleges in the area.

  “Which school? You’ll still be close, right?”

  Surely she’d still be within a short driving distance after I graduated. Imagining Jess leaving my life wasn’t something I was prepared for. And I sure as shit wasn’t ready for the next six words that came out of her mouth.

  She shifted her weight, looking past me before meeting my gaze and sadly shaking her head. “It’s up north. In Northern California,” she admitted as another tear slid down her cheek. Jess understood the gravity that her moving held for us as well as I did.

  I took an involuntary step back and reached behind me, my hand searching for something for balance.

  Ask her to stay. Beg her to stay. Make her promises. Give her money. Buy the fucking school. Do anything to make sure this girl doesn’t leave your life.

  “That’s too far, Jess.” Nowhere is too far, I thought, but refused to say the words out loud.

  “I know, but it’s the only school left in the entire state that has a student-run television station. Other schools have it, but they’re run by other people. There aren’t even students in some of the stations, can you believe that? What kind of college has a program with no college students involved?”

  Her voice rose with her frustration as my mind still tried to process the fact that she was leaving me. Leaving us. When she continued, I swore I felt my heart crack.

  “And this school has had the number-one television and radio stations in the nation two years in a row. In the nation, Nick! I have to go there. I have to. They’re the best,” she said, the passion for her future pouring out of her with every syllable.

  On a gut level, I completely understood where she was coming from and couldn’t blame her a bit. But my heart ached with every breath I took as I tried to hold myself together.

  Not feeling steady on my feet, I pulled out a chair at her kitchen table and sat down. I didn’t want her to go. Hell, it was the last thing on earth I wanted, but I could never tell her that. Two seconds ago I was about to drop to my knees and beg her to stay, but I could never ask her that now. Not for me. Not for us. I’d never forgive myself if she compromised her dreams or her future for me. I wasn’t worth that.

  “Say something,” she begged before sitting across from me.

  “I get why you want to go there,” I said with as little emotion as I could.

  “That’s it?” Her eyes implored me as she nervously twisted the silver ring on her finger.

  “It’s the best thing for your future. I get it.”

  She stared at me as if expecting something else, but I wasn’t sure exactly what. The table between us felt like an ocean.

  “I dunno, Jess. What the hell do you want me to say?”

  “How about something along the lines of we’ll be okay. Or that my leaving is no big deal, and we’ll figure it out.” She waved her hands in the air, her agitation rising. “I mean, I know it’s obviously not ideal, but I was thinking—”

  “No.” My voice was firm, my resolute tone surprising even me.

  Jess froze and dropped her hands. “No, what?”

  Northern California was practically another world away. Hell, it should be considered another state with how far it was. And Jess still had two years left of school while I was on the verge of graduating. There was no way that I would allow her to split her attention between her classes and me. There was absolutely no way that I’d do to her what my old man had done to me, making me feel like I had no choice in my own life.

  Girls were emotional—I knew that fact all too well—and if things got weird or bad between us, there was no doubt in my mind that Jess would put me first, before herself. She would put us first. I could practically see it in my head already, her hauling ass back here to fix whatever was wrong between us without giving it a second thought. And as much as I loved her for that, I could never let her do it. She’d skip classes, miss tests, do whatever it took to make us okay.

  I’d never forgive myself if I was the reason Jess didn’t get what she’d always dreamed of. She needed to be able to concentrate all her energy on her schooling, on her future, and the best thing I could do for her was to remove myself from the equation completely, no matter how badly it hurt either of us in the process.

  This wasn’t about me, and for once in my life when it came to a girl, I was making a decision that was the best one for her. She’d see that eventually. I knew she would.

  “I don’t do long-distance relationships,” I said in a curt tone, ignoring the warning bells that rang in my head. My heart pounded, revolting against the lie that had just left my mouth.

  “You don’t do long-distance relationships?” She repeated my words back to me as her eyes filled with tears. “But I love you.”

  Her voice was so broken, so shattered, that I almost fell to my knees on the floor and begged for her forgiveness. It was the first time either of us had said those words to each other, and she was saying them now while I was breaking her heart.

  I lowered my head, refusing to meet her questioning gaze, knowing it would kill me to look at her right now. “I can’t do it, Jess. I’m sorry,” I said, lying again.

  I’d never dated anyone long-distance before, but I would have done it for her. I would have done anything for this girl if I thought it was the best thing for her. But one quick glimpse into the future and I was terrified. I was so damn scared that I’d be the reason she moved back home or gave up her education, that it stopped all other reason from entering my brain.

  Her face was anguished when I finally gained the balls to look at her. “Have you ever tried? Being with someone long-distance, I mean?”

  “No, but I know myself. Hell, you know me. I can’t date you long-distance. It won’t fucking work, and you know it.”

  “I thought we were different,” she said sadly.

  I wanted to scream that we were. I wanted to remind her that every single thing about her was different, but I kept my mouth firmly shut.

  Her eyes started to fill again, the blue of them turning a shade brighter with her tears, and the sight of it felt like a kick to the gut. “Nick, you’re not even trying. We can talk every day on the phone, or we can video chat. I’ll come down and see you every weekend that I can. I’ll come back all the time for you. And you can come up.”

  See? She was already putting us before everything else, and I refused to be more important than her goals, no matter what my dad insisted the girl in my life should be like. I wouldn’t take away her choices when I never had any. I wouldn’t make her feel like she had to choose.

  “I’m graduating this year, Jess. I’ll be working for my dad in a month. I won’t have any free time, and neither will you once you get up there. You’ll see. This isn’t a good idea.”

  “You won’t even try?”

  Fuck yes, I’d try. I’d do anything for you. “No. There’s no point.”

  “But, Nick . . .”

  The tears finally spilled down her cheeks. It killed me to be the one causing them, but I had to stay strong. I had to hurt us in the short term to make sure she had a successful long term. I’d had enough practice being an asshole to girls in the past, but it fucking murdered me to act this way toward her.

  “Because it won’t work, Jess. I can’t do it. I can’t have a girlfriend who’s hundreds of miles away. I’m sorry. I wish I was a stronger guy, but I’m not. I’m not built for that kind of shit. I’d ruin everything we built in a week, and you�
��d never forgive me for it.”

  The words were bitter, tasting all wrong as they spilled from my lips. Part of me hoped she’d believe the lies, while the rest of me prayed she knew me better than that.

  “What the hell are you saying? That you couldn’t stay faithful if I wasn’t here? Bullshit. That’s bullshit, Nick, and you know it,” she yelled.

  I was so fucking relieved that she hadn’t believed my crap, but I needed her to. I needed her to think I was weak.

  “I honestly don’t think I could,” I said, doing my best to meet her eyes. Lies. More lies.

  “You’re a coward.”

  She was right. I was a coward.

  I couldn’t stand up to my dad. I couldn’t fight for my future, or for the one person in the world who I wanted by my side. Even though I wanted to hold on tighter, to make her all kinds of promises about how I’d wait for her and stay faithful while she was away, I released her instead. I let her go, breaking my own heart in the process. I might not be able to be strong for myself, but for Jess, I’d do anything.

  “I should probably go.” I pushed up from the chair quickly, almost knocking it to the floor.

  I needed to get the fuck out of that apartment before the walls closed in on me. I could barely breathe as it was with Jess leaving and taking my heart with her.

  The worst part was she’d never even know she had it. She’d leave thinking I didn’t want her anymore. She’d leave thinking I was perfectly intact, when the truth was I would never be whole again.

  The End

  Jess

  The door shut softly behind Nick as he left, and I let the tears fall.

  I didn’t understand at all how he could walk away from me like that, walk away from us. Stupidly, I had assumed he would at least want to try to stay together. The situation wasn’t ideal, but it never occurred to me that he might freak out about staying faithful. In my heart, I knew he was lying, but I didn’t know why.