Don't Judge

by A. E. Via

  ********

  “I thought I said you were to rest up.” God stood next to Michaels’ desk, his big arms crossed over his wide chest. As much as he wanted to ignore his Lieutenant, he knew better.

  “I said I was good.” Michaels murmured still fingering through a file of a new case they were working on. He’d been home for two days with nothing to do but get angrier. Every time he thought of Judge or Switch, that whole damn catastrophe, he saw red. His apartment was destroyed, he was sick of going to the gun range, Charlie had banned him from the gym for now until ‘he fixed his attitude’, and he couldn’t bare to be around his parents either. His mother would coddle him and his father would continuously probe him for information.

  “I didn’t ask if you were good. You’re still on medical leave.” God said more sternly.

  “Fine then. I’ll stay out of the field and just update the case files.” Michaels booted up his computer, prepared to do data entry all day if he had to. Anything not to sit at home in his apartment and run through him and Judge’s final conversation.

  God reached over and yanked the power cord out of his laptop and threw it on his desk. “I said. Home. Medical. Now.”

  Michaels finally looked up and noticed that not only was God towering over him but Day was standing close, watching him like he was an experiment going wrong. Most of their team was in the office doing research but no one was focused on that… only on him. Why was everyone watching him? He knew he looked like hell. His hair was all over the place, he hadn’t shaved, his shirt was half untucked from his jeans, he’d taken a shower but he was pretty sure all the alcohol he’d consumed last night in order to fall asleep was probably seeping through his pores. The ugly black stitches in the gash on the right side of his face, looked almost as hideous as the green and yellow bruises. He was still very sore from his bruised ribs but he made sure not to flinch when he stood. Again all eyes tracked his every move.

  “What the fuck is everyone looking at? Turn around and do some goddamn work!” Michaels yelled, while shoving his laptop into his bag.

  Day walked up to him but he cut him off before he could go into his psychoanalysis. “Save the shit, Day.” Michaels barked.

  “Hey! Enough!” God yelled right back, his voice going deeper and scarier but Michaels didn’t give a damn at this point.

  “Fuck you.” Michaels snarled and looked up at his Lieutenant, registered the shock on God’s face right before the anger.

  God stepped in closer to Michaels, his posture was intimidating but Michaels wasn’t fazed. His skin was starting to burn, his vision turning a haze of shades of red. He couldn’t stop the way his hands shook so he balled up his fist instead, his fingernail biting into his palms.

  “God.” Day hissed but his partner ignored him.

  “That’s it. You’re suspended.” God growled.

  “What?!” Michaels snapped. “What the fuck for?!”

  “Cash don’t.” Day touched God’s shoulder but it was quickly shrugged off.

  “You’ve been a damn mess ever since you completed your assignment with Judge. So if you wanna’ self-destruct, do it in someone else’s department. What happened to you out -”

  Michaels yanked his jacket off the back of his chair, cutting God off, ready to get the hell out of there. Not caring if his boss was still speaking or not. But he sure as shit didn’t want to talk about Judge didn’t even want to hear his name. “I’m outta’ here.”

  God grabbed Michaels shoulder and a jolt of what felt like a thousand watts of electricity zapped his chest. He balled his fist as tight as he could, spun around and punched God square in his stern jaw. He saw God’s head snap to the right right before he turned back and glowered at him with venom in his wicked green eyes.

  There were a collection of curses and panicked ‘oh shits’ from his team as they moved closer, probably feeling like it was going to take all of them to get God off him. Day jumped in front of God and placed his hands on his chest. God wasn’t moving, only his jaw twitching with his ire. Michaels knew that the fight he’d had with Switch would be like going toe to toe with a cartoon character compared to what God could probably do to him. Michaels’ still maintained eye contact, challenging his Lieutenant for no other apparent reason accept his must be feeling suicidal.

  “Cash, don’t hurt him, please. Let me talk to him.” Day looked up into his partners eyes. Although he wasn’t afraid of God right now, he wasn’t exactly mad that Day was standing between them. “Cash, can’t you see something isn’t right.”

  God looked down at his lover, both of them looking at each other for several very long and tense seconds. No one could ever figure out what transpired between God and Day when they communicated like that but sure enough as if Day had told him something pertinent. God’s vibrant green eyes softened, looking into Day’s before he turned without a word and walked out of the office, Syn following right behind him.

  Michaels watched his bosses leave, feeling like the biggest ass in the world. God and Syn were probably on their way to file the necessary paperwork with the disciplinary committee. He’d serve his suspension and then he’d be fired. Instead of trying to explain anything to his team, which he couldn’t, he unclipped his badge from his belt, dropped the clip from his service weapon and placed both on his desk. He turned around, not able to look in Day’s eyes, especially after striking his lover.

  He made the walk of shame out of their department and through the bullpen without lashing out at anyone else. He got in his truck and closed himself inside feeling like his heart had been torn apart again. Now he’d lost his job. The only thing he’d had left, the one thing he’d worked so hard to get. He had nothing anymore. Once it was confirmed that he’d been fired for assaulting his superior officer, he wouldn’t even be able to get work as a security guard. When his father found out, he was certain he’d be disowned, shamed. He’d lose his father’s respect, have no friends, no team, no work, no partner, no lover.

  He rubbed at his swelling knuckles and dropped his head back to the headrest. He felt tears sting his eyes and wanted to yell out, curse, hit, do something to feel like a man. But whenever he did that, all he did was fuck up his life even more. He was no man. He was an immature kid, just like Judge said he was. No wonder he didn’t want him. What man couldn’t control his fucking temper? Michael fought the breakdown, hard. Fought the tears. Fought the rage inside him but it was so goddamn hard. He dropped his head into his hands and bawled like a damn baby. He tried to think of anything positive but failed miserably. After a few minutes his head was still lying on the steering wheel when he heard a light tap on his driver’s side window.

  “Oh no.” He mumbled. He didn’t want to look up. Didn’t want anyone else to see his – what did God call it? – yeah, his self-destruction. The tap was a little louder and a little more persistent this time. He slowly raised his head and saw the last person he expected to see. God’s imposing figure right outside his truck, his left cheek slightly discolored beneath his day old stubble. Day was standing close by waiting patiently for Michaels to do something. He was so scared. Why were they out there? To officially fire him… to allow God his punch back. Well, hell. That pain would be better than what he was feeling inside. He tried to reach for the handle but his hands shook so bad he could barely release the lock in the old model truck. When he finally did, God yanked the door open. Michaels flinched involuntarily and waited.

  “You fell in love with him, didn’t you?” Day said quietly, standing closer.

  Michaels coughed trying to mask the sob that caught in his throat. He didn’t want to cry in front of them, of all people. God held up Michaels’ gun and badge. “These will be with me when you finish your leave,” and with only that, God walked back into the precinct.

  Leave… not suspension… or fired. A small silver lining, he supposed. He’d have the loneliest existence ever, he’d continue to watch his teammates fall in love all around him, show their displays of public affection, an
d he’d just have to get used to it. He was falling inot a state of depression, nad now he knew how people stayed trapped under that disease. It was like a ten-ton boulder strapped to your ankle.

  “Austin. Talk to me, please.” Every trace of Day’s humor was gone and in its place was the kind and attentive Lieutenant that everyone knew and adored. Even him.

  Michaels looked at his bruised knuckles again. He shook his head ‘no’. He couldn’t talk, he had no voice, only a huge mass lodged inside him, threating to overtake him. He pressed his fist to his eyes, shoving the tears back inside.

  Before he knew it, Day had cuffed the back of his head and pulled until Michaels was out of the truck and engulfed in his Lieutenant’s strong arms. He couldn’t fight it anymore. Being held so tightly, so lovingly, he dropped his weight, all his burdens on Day’s shoulders, praying he could hold them both up for a while, while he gave up the fight. He squeezed his boss to him, clutching and grabbing at the dress shirt like it was a life preserver. Day was right there, held it all for him, albeit temporarily, it felt good to release for a while.

  “I’m so sorry, baby. I know it hurts.” Day whispered in his ear. “But trust me this once, if you never trust me for anything else. That man will be back.”

  Michaels’ voice caught in his throat and Day squeezed him harder. “I promise you, Austin. Judge will be back.”

  After a few moments Michaels pulled back and took his heartache and problems with him. He felt so tired, that load was so damn heavy. He wondered how long he’d have to haul it around. He looked into Day’s beautiful hazel with his own red ones. He wanted to believe what he was selling, but this wasn’t Cinderella’s story.

  Day squeezed both of Michaels’ shoulders then placed his hand on the cheek that wasn’t a variety of colors. “How could he not come back? Look at you.”

  Michaels dropped his head, ashamed and certainly not optimistic. “Yeah, look at me.”

  “I’m sure he looks a lot worse.”

  “He’s gone on with his life, glad that he left when he did.”

  Day shook his head. “If he’s not on his way back already, he will be very soon.”

  Michaels bit his bottom lip to keep from refuting. Day was wrong on this one, but he’d let him feel like he was right.

  “Trust me. Day is smart. Day is wise.” His Lieutenant winked at him.

  Michaels couldn’t muster a smile right now, so he just dropped his ass back in his truck. Day’s smile fell slowly. “Austin. Go rest. You’re on personal leave as of six this morning. Today never even happened.”

  Michaels looked at him with part shock and part confusion.

  “Now do you believe in my powers?” Day’s cocky smirk was back and Michaels lifted the corner of his mouth too. “Ahhhh. That’s better. The beautiful, strong, talented man that I’ve come to know and love over the past few years needs to make a reappearance soon. We miss him and we need him. He’s a part of a team that doesn’t function well without him.”

  Michaels nodded.

  “I know if I offer you my guest room that you’ll decline. Hell sometimes I don’t even want to be under the same roof with God, so I know you don’t.” Day chuckled and stepped back to let Michaels close his door. He knew Day was joking, God was everything to him. Michaels rolled down the window to let him finish. “But let me know where you go. Do not just disappear. It’s okay if you don’t want to tell anyone else but I demand to know where you are. Don’t make me send an APB, I won’t be happy about it, but you know I’ll do it.”

  “I’ll text you when I get to my family’s cabin, okay. I think I need some time alone.” Michaels said hoarsely. Damn, his voice was rough.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Judge walked into Duke’s office and dropped down on the couch, exhausted and mentally drained. He’d scattered his father’s ashes on his land like he’d requested and put the bar up for sell. He’d inherited it but it wasn’t his calling. He’d end up assaulting and banishing all the customers. He wasn’t exactly a people person like his father. He’d dissolved his father’s bank account and sent Linda all of it. Technically it was Judge’s but Linda was good to his father, and the one that had helped build up that account. His father had left her beneficiary of his life insurance policy too, so with Judge’s contribution, he hoped Linda would be able to live comfortably and enjoy her family.

  “Judge, you coming up?” Duke’s gravelly voice called down. It was almost midnight and Judge had been driving all day, doing any and everything to take his mind off of one person. Even Bookem missed Michaels, he could tell. Judge dragged himself upstairs, hauling his duffle bag. Duke was shirtless, in a comfortable pair of sweats that were hanging so low Judge could see his pubic hair. “Man, you look like, hell.”

  Judge scowled walking into Duke’s apartment. He didn’t bother to respond he just walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. His thoughts immediately went right back to Michaels. As if he needed any other reason to feel like shit, yesterday, God had let him know that Switch had attacked Michaels as soon as he went back into the hotel room. Had almost killed him. God told him Michaels was out on medical leave until further notice.

  Judge had sat in his truck on the side of the road for hours thinking about what ifs. What if Switch had succeeded? Suffocated his wild detective to death. What if Judge wouldn’t have left the way he did, had made sure Switch was secured first. It was his bounty and he’d let Michaels get hurt. If they were at war together, it would’ve been the equivalent to Judge leaving a wounded comrade behind. He was a disgrace. He didn’t want to see the look on anyones face when they found out the whole truth.

  It was clear God didn’t know everything that had transpired between them. Didn’t know that Judge had let Michaels get past his armor and then had ran like a scared bitch. Had made the man his lover and then walked out on him. But Judge’s lonesomeness was no longer comforting, it was horrific and painful.

  Judge cleaned himself up, taking his time not having the energy to move any faster. He pulled out his last clean pair of sweats and a tanktop. He sat on the edge of the tub and pulled out his phone for the millionth time, and fought with himself on if he should call or not. He’d probably be met with some resistance, not more than some, a shit-ton, but he had to know that Michaels was okay. Then maybe he could sleep for more than two hours at a time.

  He dialed the number and waited anxiously while the phone rang. After several rings, a groggy Michaels answered and Judge’s stomach completely turned over at hearing his detective’s voice.

  “Austin, its Judge.” He was met with dead silence. It was so quiet Judge had to check the screen to see if he’d lost the connection. He saw the seconds still ticking by. “I um. God told me what happened with Switch after I left.” Judge swallowed loudly. This was so hard. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and - ”

  Click.

  Judge closed his eyes and took the phone away from his ear and pressed it against his temple. Only a split second of hearing that raspy, sexy voice… then it was gone. Why’d he say that? That was stupid. He knew anything he said would be stupid. Of course Michaels didn’t want to talk to him. His chest ached, his head pounded. How had he lost so much in the course of a few days? As soon as God found out the truth, he’d lose another friend.

  “Judge. Judge. You alright?” Duke’s deep voice carried through the door.

  He couldn’t hide in Duke’s bathroom all night. He came out and placed his bag against the wall. He felt awkward, he wasn’t sure if he should stay the night or not but he knew he was too tired to drive home. Judge sat on the couch and leaned as far back as he could and let his head fall back into the cushions.

  Duke stood behind him and rubbed his aching shoulders. Lately everything ached on him. “I’m sorry, Judge. I’m sorry about your dad. I know he was the only family you had left.” Duke’s strong hands kneaded a particularly sore area and Judge struggled not to groan. “You hungry, I can make you something quick?”<
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  Judge didn’t respond. His thoughts went back to Michaels. How he’d cooked for Judge. How they’d ate and laughed, eye fucked each other like they were on a date at Norma’s in Le Parker Meridien. Didn’t get a chance to tell Michaels that was his favorite restaurant in the world. He kept his eyes closed, afraid that if he opened them Duke would see the glassy expression, the moisture quickly building in them. Duke was quiet now. Continued to rub him until those hands ventured lower. Judge sighed. It’d been so long since he’d craved touch. He did now. Desired it. Needed his man’s touch so bad it hurt. He gasped when thick thumb pads rubbed across his nipples. Yes. Austin. Judge shot up to his feet, scaring the shit out of Duke.

  “I’m sorry… I thought… I wanted to make you feel good.”

  Judge shook his head and stood on the other side of the room. His hands tangled in his too-long black locks. He couldn’t fuck Duke and close his eyes like it was Austin. It was cheating, even though they weren’t actually a couple, but he was surely cheating himself and he’d never disrespect Duke like that.

  “It’s not you. It’s me. Well, not me. It’s someone... I just can’t do this with you.” Judge sounded like an idiot.

  “Since when?” Duke frowned.

  Since I fell in love and was too stupid to notice before I threw it away.

  “Judge.” Duke walked up to him, pulling his fist from out of his hair. “There’s someone else.”

  Judge didn’t answer.

  Duke took his silence for what it was. He looked hurt first then he looked surprised. He backed up from him and sat back in his own chair. “This guy must be amazing. I’ve been trying to wrestle you down for years and he does in what… a month.”

  Not even that long.

  Judge hated to hurt Duke, but it never came of anything between them because Duke wasn’t what he craved. Judge needed challenging, he needed wild and crazy. He wanted someone that wouldn’t take his bullshit and not afraid to call him on his crap. He needed Detective Austin Michaels.