Outside the Lines

by Caitlin Ricci

  "You look good," I said as I reluctantly pulled away. Trin and I had never had a physical relationship before. Not even one where we hugged on occasion.

  "I didn't change anything about myself from when you just saw me." Trin kept their hand on my arm, even after I'd released them. I liked that contact. Their nails were manicured and neatly painted in an almost opaque cream color. It was barely noticeable.

  Taking a chance, I slipped my fingers into the hand that they had on my arm. Their fingers were long and delicate, and their palm was warm and soft against mine. They didn't pull away from my hold. I knew how easily Trin could decide to leave. They'd nearly refused to stay at the shelter that first night because I'd demanded to know their name. I'd never gotten it, but I supposed that now their name didn't really matter either. Whoever they had been before Socks didn't exist anymore. And now Socks was gone too.

  "I'm looking forward to getting to know you again, Trin," I quietly said.

  Trin blushed and ducked their head to hide the color on their cheeks. I had the sudden urge to kiss their reddened lips, but I didn't want to risk upsetting them. So, I settled for lightly brushing my lips over their cheek.

  Trin gasped softly. I straightened back up. I'd only had to lower my head a few inches to be able to kiss them. But now Trin was watching me intently. "I liked that."

  Smirking, I nodded. "I'm glad. I'm sure it's not the best kiss that you've ever had, but I'd like to think it was a good first step."

  Trin laughed a little. "It wasn't my first, or the most dramatic. But it was the softest. It was just the kind of kiss I would have expected from you." Their attention shifted from me for a moment to the people around us. "Are you going to get a drink?"

  I looked to the table where they'd been sitting. Something iced and clear amber was in their glass. "Sure. Can I get you a refill?"

  "I'd like that. It's an iced Moroccan mint tea with honey."

  That sounded particularly delicious. "I might have to try that too."

  I ordered one for each of us, along with some little shortbread cookies, and as soon as I had our drinks, we went to a table outside to sit in the sunshine together. I put the cookies between us and sipped my drink. It was sweet and beautiful. It reminded me instantly of Trin. Not Socks as I'd known them. The scared child always watching everyone with haunted blue eyes. No, now Trin was stunning and confident. But they'd lost none of their sweetness, or their genuineness. I'd seen that quality of theirs when they had been with Naran earlier. It was something I hoped they never lost.

  "So your friend who does our makeup, you said his name is Andy?"

  Trin gave me a fast smile. "You shouldn't always presume. I thought you knew better than that, Alex."

  I did know better. Of course I did. And I felt like a total ass. "I'm sorry. I am. Their name is Andy?"

  "His name is," Trin said, playing with me a bit.

  I smiled at them. I was also proud of them for being able to correct me. It took guts to correct a friend, even if I had been right the first time. "You've grown so much."

  "Taller? Older?"

  I shook my head. "Yes, but that wasn't what I'd meant. You're so much more confident now. You carry yourself differently. I keep contrasting you with the Socks I knew. You're better than you were. I can tell that just by looking at you."

  "Thanks." They fiddled with their cup. Trin was still so unused to a compliment.

  "Do you still talk to your ex ever?" I asked.

  Trin laughed. "No. Definitely not. We didn't really break up on good terms. Do you still talk to yours at all?"

  "Not since he cheated on me. I didn't see much point after that. You know?"

  "I can imagine. I'm glad you didn't stay. I can see you being miserable in a situation like that. Did he ever say why he did it?"

  He had. Plenty of times. And somehow he'd always made it seem like it was my fault he'd decided to have someone on the side. "He said I was always with the kids and never had any time for him. Apparently he thought I loved the shelter more than him." I shrugged.

  "Did you?"

  There was no accusation that I could hear in Trin's voice. Only their quiet curiosity. It was the same curiosity that had led me to learning everything there was to know about a combustion engine just so we could talk about it and I could answer their questions about how cars worked. I still remembered some of what I'd learned. "I'm not entirely sure. Maybe. I wasn't ever entirely sure I even loved him. I thought I had. I'd married him. But sometimes I wonder if I wasn't just thinking that he was something I needed in my life. When we met, people were urging me to have something more than the shelter. I needed a social life and more friends. At least according to other people. I'd been perfectly happy, and maybe that had been the problem. Dating him was easy. So was getting married. And for a while there, we worked. I'm not all that surprised he got tired of always waiting for me to come home or to have a weekend off."

  Trin reached toward me, as if they wanted to take my hand, and I laid it flat on the table between us, offering them my palm. Trin laid their fingers over my hand, but I didn't take their hand in mine. Even though I wanted to. I didn't squeeze their fingers. Trin could stop touching me at any moment. They could run whenever they wanted to. I was still treating them like the scared child they had been at fourteen when they'd been so worried about me keeping them prisoner in the shelter. I wasn't sure how to break out of that way of thinking. Maybe it would take time. Maybe knowing Trin as I had when they'd been Socks, maybe those memories would always cloud my thinking when it came to dealing with the adult they were today.

  "What was it like for you? With your ex?"

  "Much the same as it was for you, I'm gathering." Trin sighed softly, as if the memories hurt. "He was good looking, and smart. He thought I was a girl at first. I was wearing a dress, and I sat two rows ahead of him. He gave me his number and people in the group therapy sessions I'd been going to at the time said it was time for me to take a chance. They wanted me to have something normal. A relationship like many other college age people have. And things were good there for a while. We went out to movies and to dinner. But there were little things that I noticed right away. He treated me differently when I wore makeup and a dress. He touched me more and smiled at me more. He only kissed me when I looked like a girl. When I was neither, or when I looked more masculine, he treated me like we were friends. It hurt. And when he..." They licked their lips and looked away from me. I wanted to stop them there.

  "Trin, you don't have to tell me any of this."

  Their smile was sad. "When he wanted to have sex with me, he said I had to wear what he wanted me to. I had to be extremely feminine. We never got to that part, but he talked about it often. What he wanted to do to me, what he wanted me to do to him. He wanted it, and sometimes I thought I would like it too, but not on his terms. Not with me dressing up like a doll so that he could get what he wanted from it."

  My heart was breaking for them as I leaned over the table and gently kissed their fingers. They hid their tears well, but I saw their shoulders shaking as I stood up and took their hand in mine. "Would you come with me?" I asked them.

  Trin nodded and seconds later we were walking down the street, their hand wrapped around my arm, our nearly full drinks forgotten. I didn't have a plan of where to go as we walked away from the cafe. I simply wanted to take them away from there and all their memories. "I'm sorry," I said when we'd gone nearly six blocks in silence.

  "I know you are. But you don't have to be. I don't consider my time with him to be a mistake. I learned a lot of valuable lessons from him, and I'm stronger because of it."

  They always were one of the strongest people I'd ever known. "I bet you are. Can you stay out late tonight, or do you have to get up early for work? There's an exhibit at the botanical gardens I think you might like, but it's for night blooming flowers."

  "I was never very good with plants."

  I remembered. The kids had built a few raised beds in the s
helter's backyard and Trin had inevitably killed anything they'd tried to grow. All except for the weeds, of course. "I'm not either. Kim bought me a succulent a few years back. It lasted about a month. I think I overwatered it. After that, she's never bought me another plant. It's probably for the best."

  Trin chuckled and tightened their fingers around the crook of my arm. "Probably. How is Kim anyway? I didn't see her at the shelter today."

  "She's good. She's close to retirement age now, but I doubt she'd ever take any time away from the kids. She's threatened to be buried out in the backyard by the apple tree."

  "Tell me she's not serious!" Trin was trying hard not to laugh.

  I laughed too. "She's absolutely serious. Dead serious even, if you don't mind the pun. I think she'd like to see you again. If you ever wanted to come back to the shelter."

  Trin grew quiet and their steps slowed. "No, I don't think I could do that. But maybe I could have you both over for dinner sometime. Andy is my roommate, and he has a cat, but they're both relatively normal. For a human, anyway. Cats are lovely little creatures, but I'm often glad that she prefers him to me. I never really got attached to the idea of having animals."

  "Why not?"

  Trin pursed their lips.

  "Pets are a weakness that can be used against a person," they quietly said.

  "I hear the botanical garden has a great herb area. Sometimes in the spring they sell plants. Too bad neither of us are that good at growing things, or else I'd say we should get some. Plants from a botanic garden have to be pretty healthy."

  Trin was quiet for another three blocks.

  "Thank you. You always did know when not to push something."

  "You're welcome. I learned that pretty quickly when you almost ran because I just had to know your name. I was young and stupid. I should not have been the one to do your intake."

  Trin snickered. "Maybe not. But I think you did really well. And, if you had pushed, I would have left. Who I was before Socks didn't matter. Socks was a good person. At least I tried to be when I was them. And as Trin, I help others. That's enough for me. Is it for you?" Trin pulled me to a stop on the sidewalk only a few blocks from the garden.

  "Yes, it is," I promised them. I didn't need to know the details. Much of their life was a mystery to me. I was sure I would never know whatever dark, horrible things had been done to wind up with Socks terrified and on the street at fourteen. And I'd made peace with that.

  Trin gave me a hopeful smile. "I think I'd like to hold you to that."

  "Good. I hope you do."

  Trin stepped into my arms and I hugged them gently. They were thin, as they always had been, and their hair smelled like coconut. They trembled, and I brought them a bit closer to me. "Are you cold? Should we do something else that isn't outside tonight?"

  "No. It's not that. It's that this is nice. To be held, I mean. Not to be Andy's best friend getting a hug because Andy hugs everyone he ever meets. This is you holding me because you want to, and this is me staying here in your arms because this is where I want to be too."

  "I love having you here." I took a chance and kissed their shoulder.

  "Me too. Is there anything you've ever wanted to do, but haven't?" Trin unexpectedly asked me. It could have been dangerous territory for us, depending on if I got to ask them the same question or not. Ever since the first night, I'd always been careful not to tread too close to their secrets. I thought that I would be risking them running away and losing them forever if I did.

  I thought long and hard about their question. There was plenty that I had never done, but I knew they were asking me for more than that. "I've never ridden a horse. I've thought about going. A few times. But I've never made myself go. They're beautiful creatures, but they're also tall and powerful. I'm strong enough to admit when I'm afraid."

  Trin smiled at me and I didn't feel weak or exposed for having answered their question. I was sharing a small part of myself with them, and I hoped that they would do the same. "What about you?"

  "Well, first, I would go riding with you. If you ever wanted to, that is. I haven't been, but horses don't scare me." They turned away from me and licked their lips as if they were nervous. "As for something I've never done… it might be nice to be intimate with someone at some point. I want to, but I haven't."

  Privately, I was glad that their ex hadn't been their first. And part of me wanted to be. I found Trin attractive. I wanted to touch and kiss them. And if they let me do more to them, then I would. But I didn't want to be pushy.

  "It's worth waiting for someone you really care about," I quietly said..

  Nodding, Trin moved their hand from my arm to lace their fingers in with mine. "I'm sure it is." They were blushing, and I wanted so much to kiss their cheek, but with only having just had them come back into my life, I didn't want to rush and scare them away so quickly. I'd lost Trin once, and I wasn't willing to risk doing that again.

  I wanted to kiss them as we stood there on the sidewalk under the light of an overhead lamp. More than anything. But I decided that I should wait. It would be better that way. Maybe it wouldn't feel rushed between us then. Like I was spinning wildly on a roller coaster, and I didn't even know which way was up anymore.

  "We should go into the gardens."

  Trin looked toward the entrance to the botanic gardens then back at me. "You looked like you were maybe going to say something else."

  I had been. "It's better left for another time." I needed to remember how good Trin was at reading people.

  "I'm not so sure about that."

  They turned away from me and we continued walking toward the gardens. I was nervous to be on my first date out with Trin. I'd known them for years but just holding their hand made me feel like I'd never been on a date before. Like I'd never been married, was still an awkward virgin, and had no idea how to kiss someone. It amazed me that someone could make me feel like this again. And the best part was that Trin didn't even seem to be trying either. From what I could tell, they weren't doing anything with me that we hadn't always done. Aside from touching each other, we spoke about as much as before. There had been far less awkwardness between us back then.

  "How long have you lived with Andy?" I asked as we went into the first of the garden's six greenhouses. This one smelled overwhelmingly of mint. This wasn't part of the night blooming exhibit, but we were going through the whole garden together.

  Trin shrugged and ran their fingers over a broad dark green leaf as we walked around the greenhouse. "About two years. He's a good roommate. He starts his testosterone shots next month, which he's excited for, but he also hates needles, so I have no idea how he's going to handle that. I already offered to do them for him if he wants."

  I wanted to meet Andy because he was important to Trin, and I hoped that we could get to that point someday. But I wouldn't be pushing for them to take me back to their place anytime soon.

  "He's also a bit of a nudist. He calls himself a mild nudist. He likes to sit around in boxers a lot." Trin smiled over at me, and I wondered if they were waiting for me to react somehow. Maybe someone in their life had reacted badly to the news that Trin lived with a trans man who liked to go topless. I wasn't as easy to shake.

  "What does he do?"

  Trin went back to looking at the flowers. "He's a dog walker. He has most of Denver's best families in his book because their dogs love him. He loves walking around all day and spending time with the dogs since our building doesn't allow them." Trin stopped walking to be able to look back at me. "You've become a lot more relaxed about gender and how different people fit together since I first got to the shelter."

  I snorted and shook my head. "I certainly hope so. I was such an idiot that first night. And you were so sweet."

  "I was a frightened kid just trying not to get hurt again." Trin's voice had gone soft, and I wondered at the pain there. I didn't know the name on their birth certificate, and I didn't know what had happened to them. I'd been curious, but n
ot enough to ask my questions directly. And now that Trin was back in my life, I wasn't willing to push them into telling me anything now either. As much as I still desperately wanted to know all their secrets.

  I kept my voice low too. There was no one else in the greenhouse with us, but there might have been people outside that I couldn't see through the plastic. "I'm glad you trusted us enough to stay."

  Trin stopped walking and braced their hip on the edge of one of the displays. "You were never homeless. Were you?"

  I shook my head. "I'd been prepared to be, in a way. I had friends lined up that I could crash with if I needed to. But my parents were great about things when I came out. It took them about a year until I could bring a guy home without things being awkward, but it wasn't the disaster it could have been. I'd saved up money from working after school, plus my allowance, and I had a few thousand ready if things did go sideways though. I got to use that money as a down payment on my first car instead. The car I was driving when I first saw you, actually."

  "You're lucky."

  "I know I was. Do you want to talk about what happened at all? We never did. I'll listen if you're ready." I tried not to sound as curious about their past as I actually was.

  Trin gave me a soft, sad smile. "My dad had a friend that wasn't very nice to me. Let's leave it at that for now."

  "Of course." And now I had a thousand different questions in my head. How young had they been? Was anything ever done about the man? Were they getting enough help now to deal with what had been done?

  "You're practically screaming without saying a word," Trin said as they grinned at me.

  I blushed deeply. I hadn't meant to be like that. "I'm sorry."

  "It's fine. You can have two questions. But I get to decide if I want to answer them. Any two you want."

  I knew what kind of a gift Trin was giving me. But I also saw how scared they were when I looked into their eyes. As much as I wanted to know what was in their past, I decided not to follow my curiosity down what was likely a dark and dangerous hole. "What's your favorite flavor of ice cream, and what do you do on your days off?"