Trin instantly stepped into my arms and I hugged them tightly. When their shoulders began to shake, I kissed the side of their head. "It's okay. It'll be okay," I whispered. I couldn't promise them that but I felt like the words needed to be said as Trin stood there crumbling against me.
"I need to go home," Trin mumbled through their tears a few minutes later.
I didn't understand why they would want to leave me so soon, but I wasn't going to push either. "Okay. Can I walk you there? Did I do anything wrong?"
Trin moved back and shook their head. "You didn't. I just wasn't expecting you not to take me up on that. I'm a little raw and overwhelmed right now. I think it's best if I just go."
I didn't mind if they were like that with me. I preferred it, really. But I didn't want to let Trin think that they couldn't get away from me if they didn't want to. Not even for a second. "Can I walk you?"
Nodding, Trin took my hand again. "Sure. I'd like that. I'm only a few blocks away. The location is great, but rent is outrageous."
"I'm sure everywhere in Denver is." I definitely couldn't afford to live in the city. Maybe if I had a roommate, things would be different, but I was just staying in a cheap place while I tried to figure out my life post-divorce. As long as I didn't take my parents up on their offer to let me stay in my old room in the basement, I figured I was doing pretty well.
I didn't mind that we were leaving the botanic gardens only a few minutes after arriving. I'd learned a lot about trauma since coming to work at Trinity House, and not making a traumatized person stay in a situation that made them uncomfortable was pretty much one of the first rules I'd been taught. Right along with not demanding answers that I didn't need to know.
At the shelter, we worked from a safety perspective of the kids. There were certain things that we legally had to report. But that didn't mean that we didn't first consider the child's mental and physical safety first before doing anything else. I liked that about working there. Sometimes, if it was in the kid's best interest, we did bend the rules just enough to make sure that they were protected above anything else.
Chapter Four
Trin
Alex walked me to my door. It was weird, but he was one of the few people that I didn't mind knowing where I lived. I heard Andy's heavy rock music that bordered on metal coming through the door, which was comforting. I felt safe with Andy, and I did with Alex too, but with Alex, things were different. He was unpredictable, and he made me unsure of myself. Andy walked around naked most of the time and drank milk straight from the jug. I didn't have to be on my guard around him. Alex made me want to dress up and walk around in heels. He made me want to be pretty, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that just yet.
"This is me," I said, completely unnecessarily. He'd walked me to my door. He knew that this was my place.
Alex looked up and down the street. "Seems nice and quiet. Do you feel safe here?"
I nodded. I did. It had taken me a while to find a place that I did feel welcomed in. "I do."
But it seemed that Alex wasn't quite satisfied yet. "No one bothers you here?"
I smiled and leaned back against the door. "I'm not at Trinity House anymore. You can't protect me out in the real world like you could there."
He laughed. "If I remember correctly, I couldn't do much to protect you there either. You all still fought and got into trouble. You climbed trees and you broke limbs, and I remember one particularly nasty cut on your foot after you decided to play in a puddle barefoot and there was glass in it."
I still had that scar too. I was surprised he'd remembered that day. "I'm sure I wasn't the first kid that you had to bandage up, and I doubt that I was your last either."
"No, you weren't."
The silence settled in between us, but I didn't wish it away either. I liked having him there. As uncomfortable as he sometimes made me and as unsure of myself as I was around him, I wanted to have him around. But I also knew that I wasn't in the place mentally to invite him inside yet. Getting together for coffee and a bit of walking around the city was one thing. And now he knew where I lived. That was important too. Inviting him inside, and him accepting that invitation and joining me in the space I only shared with Andy, would have been too much and far too soon.
"Goodnight." I didn't want to say bye to him already.
He hesitated. "Can I get another hug?"
I stepped into his arms instead of answering him. Alex hugged me gently, as if he could somehow tell how important going slow in this was for me. Or how big tonight had been. Some people may have been able to pretend that Alex might have only been an old friend that I was getting together for coffee with, but that certainly wasn't me. I was deliberate and methodical and being around him pushed that all aside. I wanted him to come in. I wanted to make him tea, and I wanted him to use my favorite cat mug. But I couldn't go there with Alex. Not yet. Maybe next time, if he would give me another chance to enjoy spending time with him. I did want to see him again. Most definitely.
Alex kissed the side of my head, and I closed my eyes. He smelled faintly of lavender laundry soap with that sickly sweet chemical smell. I didn't mind it too much.
Finally I knew I had to pull away from him, as much as I didn't want to. "I should go inside," I said, moving back. He let go of me without hesitation. He'd touched a nerve and rattled me, but now that I was faced with the reality of even saying goodnight to Alex, not even goodbye but just goodnight, I found myself unable to make myself actually leave him.
"Thank you for coming out with me tonight," Alex quietly said.
I blushed. I wasn't used to someone I liked and cared about being that nice to me. I wasn't used to people being nice to me in general. I had to get a better handle on my reactions when it came to him if I was going to be around him more. "Thank you."
"Can we do this again sometime soon?"
I wanted to see him again too. I didn't really want to leave him now as it was. "Yes please."
"Goodnight."
"Night."
He kissed me again, this time on my cheek, before I went inside. Andy was there on the couch right beside the front door, watching a Batman movie. I had no idea which one, but at least I recognized the superhero. That was something.
"That was a long coffee date," he teased me.
I tried to hold back my smile but failed. "Yes, it was."
"Did you kiss him yet?"
I didn't love that Andy was prying into my date, but since he hadn't seen me out with anyone in a very long time, maybe he was making up for lost time. "Not like you're thinking." Andy's definition of a kiss involved tongues and usually people being naked. What I'd shared with Alex meant the world to me, but it was likely far too tame by Andy's definition.
"Is he cute?"
I rolled my eyes. "Yes." I was still smiling as I walked away to go get changed. He was making kissing noises after me. I closed my bedroom door tightly behind myself as I went into my room. Sometimes it got stuck. I trusted Andy not to ever come into my room without my permission; it made me feel better to do it. I felt safer with the physical barriers around me.
I stripped out of the nice clothes I'd been wearing and grabbed a pair of lounge pants that were a few sizes too big for me, a tank top, and some fuzzy socks. Once I was dressed again more comfortably, I came out of my bedroom to find Andy sitting on the couch with his shirt off and his boobs all out on display. I shrugged it off. I'd seen Andy naked before, because he often walked around with little to nothing on, and his nudity didn't bother me. I was odd about mine, and I definitely couldn't have been that carefree around him like he was with me.
When I'd met him, he'd been trying so hard to measure up to some ridiculous standard of beauty that didn't really exist. He wanted to be built like Thor but he had a body like a heavier Drew Barrymore. That dichotomy had led to him overeating and then hating himself even more. Sometimes I thought he was still jealous about how thin I was since he was still overweight, but he wasn't hating him
self as much anymore.
"Cheese and crackers?" I asked him as I went over to the fridge to find out what we had that might pass as dinner.
"Alex didn't feed you?"
I didn't come out of the fridge to answer him. "I sort of cut the date short."
Andy got off the couch and came over to me. "What'd he do? He didn't hurt you at all, did he?"
I shook my head. "No. I gave him an opportunity to dig into my past and he didn't take it. He didn't even try. I don't know what to do with that."
Andy opened the freezer door above my head. "This is not a crackers kind of issue. This calls for ice cream. Get up and come eat with me."
"You sure?" The ice cream was his, for those rare occasions when he was feeling good enough about himself to indulge a little and not feel guilty.
"Yeah. I ran half a mile today. I sucked at it and nearly fell on my face twice, but I did it. That binder you got me really helped too."
I got off the floor where I'd been kneeling and joined him on the couch. "That's great." I couldn't run worth a damn either. I didn't even own running shoes I didn't like exercising one little bit.
He put his feet in my lap. "When do I get to meet this Alex guy?"
I shrugged. "Not a clue. Do you want to? Would it be weird having him over here? This really is our space, and I want to respect that. You don't bring your people back here, and I never have either." Snow, his cat, made herself known as she came out of Andy's bedroom to come lay across the back of the couch. I generally ignored her. She didn't really like people that much anyway.
Andy was quiet for a long time, and I was as well. We'd never had a hard rule about bringing people back to our place, but we'd always avoided it out of respect for each other. In some ways, I liked that. This was another place he'd be allowed in. Another layer that I wouldn't have between us. I'd grown up with my barriers, and Alex had been allowed past a few of them. But he was still nowhere close to being allowed into the inner circle. Andy wasn't even there, and I had no reason to keep him out either. It was just a matter of self-preservation and self-protection at all costs. It had been like that, ever since I was a child.
"What if we started out slowly?" Andy suggested. "Having dinner together, maybe a movie too, but not spending the night the first time he comes over?"
"Sure. I think that would be fine." With Alex, and how much I already cared about him, I knew it would be so easy to fall far too quickly into something I couldn't handle right away. I'd been ready to be his at eighteen. I wasn't any different now. As much as I tried to be, and could pretend to be if I really wanted, Alex was still a man I had no defenses against.
"I got a box from my mom today. The usual. It's got a ton of girl clothes in it she wants me to wear someday when I realize that being me is just one huge mistake. Please give them to your little rascals."
I smiled at him, even as I wanted to go call his mom up and yell at her. If she was willing to spend even five minutes with him, I was sure that she would be able to see just how happy he was now that he was Andy.
"Do you mind if I take something if there's anything in there that might work for me?" He'd let me have the clothes his mom had sent him in the past, and they'd been some really cute wrap skirts that were perfect for the summer, but I never wanted to assume that me taking his clothes and using them on myself was always going to be okay.
"Of course you can. She spends so much on sending me boxes of clothes each month. I really wish she'd stop. And they're all name brand new stuff with the tags still on them. I'm shopping at Goodwill, and she's going to Abercrombie for stuff I'm just going to give away. I've told her that too."
I laid my head on his shoulder. "I know you have. You could sell the clothes, you know. Make a little extra cash. Or you could return them to the store and act like you lost the receipt."
He laughed. "I've thought about it. I absolutely have. But a big part of me feels like if I got anything out of these clothes it would be wrong. Like she would be winning in a way. I'd rather that they just go to someone else. Or a few someones. It's better than just trashing them. And if you didn't want them, I would just donate them."
I smiled at him and sat back up. "I know you would. And my kids will really appreciate it. Whatever they don't want I'll take to the trans place. Okay?"
"Yeah. Put her idiocy to good use." He bumped my shoulder.
"That's the spirit."
He went quiet after that and I let him. We ate the ice cream, and I thought about what I would do to help him if he was one of my kids. I didn't do that often, since I tried not to analyze the people I cared about most, but when I looked at Andy, it was hard not to want to help him in some way. He was barely nineteen, and he was struggling even when he pretended that he wasn't. It was hard for me to watch him go through having a mom like his, someone who absolutely refused to see her son for who he was, and not want to do something to help him.
"You're a really good friend," I told him.
Andy smirked at me and took some more ice cream. "That's nice. What's got you so mushy? Thinking about Alex?"
Maybe a little, but he wasn't who I was focused on right then. "No, actually I was thinking about you."
He squinted. "You know we're not… I mean, not that I wouldn't, but…"
Laughing, I held up my hand to stop him. "No worries. Really. And I do know. You're like a puppy to me." And I meant that in the nicest way possible.
"You're a cat." He was laughing now too. I didn't mind being compared to a cat at all. I thought they were beautiful creatures.
I liked hanging out with Andy just like this. He knew my biological sex and he never slipped up and called me by it. Finding someone to respect my pronouns shouldn't have seemed like something close to a miracle, but that was why I had decided to get a trans roommate in the beginning. I had figured that if anyone knew how to respect someone's pronouns and name then it was someone like Andy. And I'd been right. He was great to live with, usually, and I was happy that he was out on his own and living on his terms.
"When do you think you'll see Alex again?"
I shrugged. I hadn't really thought about it too much, other than just knowing that I wanted to see him again at all. "Soon. He makes me feel good. When I was a teenager, my definition of safe was how I felt when I was around Alex. He could somehow manage to make everything perfect, even if it was just for a few minutes. When I was in Trinity House, one of my favorite things was coming downstairs on the nights he was working, and we'd have hot chocolate together in the middle of the night and sometimes we talked, but most of the time he read whatever book he was into at the time, and I just sat there quietly existing. I think I fell in love with him a bit back then during those nights."
"You sound like you're still in love with him now."
I wasn't completely sure, but I knew that there was something. "I think now might be a good time for us, if Alex is willing too."
Andy sighed dreamily. "Hollywood should make a movie about you two. Kid with a rough past taken in by kind man, and they reconnect and live happily ever after."
"I don't know about all that." Though I did like that he thought the concept of happily ever after was possible.
"Will you try on the clothes you like out of the box tonight? If there is anything?"
I was tired, but I could also see how much this would mean to him. "Sure. Is it in your room?"
He nodded. "Go ahead in. I know you're weird about it. Wish you weren't."
I got up and headed into his bedroom. Being weird, as he put it, was a pretty mild way of putting how I felt about entering other peoples' spaces, even when I had their permission. Andy valued privacy too, though to a lesser degree than I did; he valued physical intimacy a lot less than I did. He was pan and liked being with a lot of different people. I was terrified of being completely exposed, body and soul, to someone else. He didn't have a problem having sex because no one knew his soul, including me, and I was probably closer to him than anyone.
; I kept his door open so he could see what I was doing, and I touched nothing but the box that was open at the foot of his bed. Andy's mom had sent him the usual; skirts, dresses, rhinestone studded jeans to show off his curves, and a few cute scarves. If I sent him a box, it would be filled with dark, baggy jeans, shirts with anime characters on them, and a couple baseball caps. And probably some binders, too.
His mom had sent him a few maxi skirts. I loved the feel of them. How I could slip one on and look like I put some effort into going out without actually doing much more than putting on a pair of sweats. Andy's mom had sent him three, and although they would hang a bit on me, I knew I could make them work. She had sent a yellow one, a purple one with white stripes, and a black one. I could make them all look good with a pair of cute sandals.
"It's all super girly shit, isn't it?" Andy called out. Maybe I was taking a long time as I looked at the three skirts and kept bringing them up to me. They were all plenty long and would go down to the floor.
I came out of his room with the skirts in my arms, holding them up. "I like these three."
He just shrugged. "They'll look good on you. I don't get how you can make girl clothes look masculine though. Not skirts of course, but like a shirt."
I hung the skirts up in my closet while I thought about what he was saying. I didn't think about clothes like that too often. Clothes were meant for certain body types, but that didn't mean a whole lot to me.
"I think about more how I feel in them rather than how they are, I guess." I sat down next to him and explained further. "Clothes don't actually have genders. They're not made to. They're just clothes. A skirt is only for women because people say it is. But a skirt is sort of like a kilt, and kilts are for men generally. And jeans used to be only for men, but now I see more women in jeans than in dresses and skirts. Clothes only have male and female labels put on them because of society."
Outside the Lines Page 5