"I wonder if that works for people too. Like if nobody had ever put labels on us, would we still have put them on ourselves."
I pulled my feet under myself. "I think people will always try to compare themselves to each other. Biological sex is just one of those things. Like skin color. People want to gain power and lower others, and the obvious physical attributes are easy ways of doing that."
Andy shook his head. "You're really bleak. You know that though, don't you?"
"I'm a realist." I'd been through too much in this world not to be. "Thanks for the skirts."
"You're welcome."
I leaned back on the couch with him and we continued watching TV for a few more hours.
*~*~*
The next day at work, I had five individual counseling sessions, two groups to oversee, and a counselors meeting. It wasn't the busiest day I'd ever had at the group practice, but it wasn't exactly light either. I liked being there, and I was learning a lot, but part of me wanted to be in a high school counseling session instead. I enjoyed working with kids. I tried to be the kind of counselor I would have wanted to see, both before and after leaving home.
Maybe in some ways I'd tried to emulate Alex and what he'd taught me, even when he hadn't been meaning to. Back then, he'd had a way about him. He was clearly out of his element with us sometimes, and we did overrun him more than once, but he'd always remained calm. He'd never yelled at us or even looked frustrated. Even when we were at our worst. He was practically a saint.
I picked up coffee for everyone in the practice on the way in. I always stopped there anyway as part of my morning routine, and I'd started doing it for them as well. They might need the caffeine to get through listening to their teenagers talk about not getting onto the football team. Maybe, to those kids, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to them, but listening to what the other counselors said about their kids made me wish mine only had problems like that.
My little bulldog was the first person I was going to be seeing that morning. Sally Mae Fairchild. She was seven, a smart ass, an absolute terror when she wanted to be, and she'd been through four foster homes already after her extended biological family couldn't tolerate her behavior anymore.
"Hey you," I said as soon as her social worker, Matilda, brought her into my private counseling room.
"Everyone's being a bitch to me today. Don't you do it, too," Sally warned me.
Matilda gave me a look like she'd already had enough of Sally to last her a lifetime just driving her from her foster home to my office. I nodded and that got her to go away. "What's going on?" I asked Sally as soon as we were alone. She was dressed in new clothes that were completely free of holes and her hair was freshly washed. That someone would make her pay attention to her own personal hygiene was probably part of her bad mood.
"They hate me."
"Who does?"
"Everyone." She sat back with a pout and crossed her arms over her chest.
Okay. It was time to go back. "Who's being a bitch to you today?"
"You're not allowed to use bad words."
I smirked. She'd played this game with me before. "Actually, I can use whatever words you do in order to reflect your emotions and experiences back on you in an effort to get you to open up and stop being so upset at the world this morning. So if you want me to not to say bad words, you don't get to either."
She lowered her arms down to her sides. "Why do you do that?"
I twirled the pen in my hands. "Do what?"
"Talk to me like I'm not stupid."
I fought back my laugh. "Because you're not. You're capable of understanding what I'm saying, and we don't need to play mind games with each other. Let's talk about this morning and why you're upset."
Sally got off the chair she'd been slouching in and moved to my couch where she stretched out on her stomach. "They made me get a bath. They didn't ask me. They told me I smelled bad and they made me. I hate them."
I made a quick note on the paper in my hand. "I'm writing down that we need to do some retraining with them to have Mr. and Mrs. Johnson understand why that's traumatizing for you. Do you want to have a group session with them to express your feelings?"
"I'd rather not be with them at all."
I was sure that she didn't. Sally got like this. As soon as someone crossed the line with her and made her do something, usually something that involved her being naked, she suddenly hated them and wanted nothing more to do with them.
"Can't I just come live with you?"
It wasn't the first time she'd ever asked me that. Most of my kids asked me if they could stay with me at one point or another. "I don't have a spare bedroom," I told her, again.
She pouted and her eyes got big. "Please? I won't take up much space. I'll even take the couch."
Some kids could manipulate extremely well. She wasn't one of them. I knew that her begging was genuine. I put my pad of paper and pen aside and walked across the room to sit near her. "Hey. Is this too close?"
She shook her head.
"If we do a group session with the Johnsons and they understand more why you need to be clean in a different way than what they're used to, and that they can't help at all with that and they can't decide when that happens for you, would you want to stay with them?"
Sally shook her head.
"They scared you that much?"
She nodded, and I frowned. She was such a good kid. She could be absolutely perfect with a family who had the patience to deal with sexual trauma. But once a family pushed her a too far, she gave up on them completely and there was never any going back from that. "Okay. I'll talk to your social worker, and we'll see what we can do. Do you feel safe going back there today?"
"No." She sniffled and I was so tempted to go over and hug her, but I knew that would end in disaster.
"We'll get your stuff picked up then and you'll spend tonight at a group home." She'd been in them as a transition place before, but I instantly thought about Alex and Trinity House, and how he was good with kids like her. He had the patience and the understanding, and as long as we had been safe, he'd let us heal and deal with things in our own time. I pursed my lips as I thought about it. "Sally, I need to talk to your social worker really fast. Do you want me to talk to her in here, or do you want to wait here and I'll talk to her in another room?"
"What are you going to talk to her about?"
This was not a kid to keep secrets from. "Where you're going to be staying tonight and what happened with the Johnsons that made you change your mind about wanting to be there with them."
"Are they going to be mad at me for leaving?"
I couldn't answer that for her. "I don't know. I can't speak for them. Do you care if they are?"
She shook her head. "Are you mad at me?"
"Not at all. I get it. They forced you to get clean. I can tell that you were probably pretty upset. Were you scared too?"
"Yes," she mumbled. She was a tough little bulldog, even in her trauma.
"I would have been too. Do you want me to bring Matilda in here so that we can talk and you can be a part of that conversation?"
Sally nodded. For most people, a seven-year-old couldn't have made a decision like that. Or, if they did, people might have ignored her wishes. But Sally hadn't been a child for a long time. She'd seen too much darkness in the world already to ever be naive again.
"Okay, wait here for me to go get her. There's chocolate in the mini fridge beside you if you want some."
She gave me a half smile and I got up to go find her social worker. Matilda was at the coffee machine when I found her. "She's a mess," Matilda said as I came up to her.
I nodded. Sally definitely was that. "I'd like to talk to you about where she'll be moving to, and she would like to be part of the conversation."
"I was afraid of that. We're running out of places to put her."
"I know. We'll come up with something. We always do." Matilda followed me back to my office where Sal
ly had three candies in front of her. We took up chairs around her, letting her have the couch to herself.
"Where would you like to go?" Matilda asked her.
Sally shrugged. There weren't too many places left.
I leaned toward her. "How about staying at the group home for a while? Just until we figure out a better place for you?"
"I'd rather just stay with you," she repeated while staring at me with those big hopeless green eyes of hers.
Matilda sighed, and I wished that there was some way that I could take her home with me. But she would need her own bed in her own room, and Andy and I lived in a two-bedroom place. "Sally…"
She shook her head. "I know. You don't have room for me there. I know."
And it broke my heart. I would love to be able to take all of these kids home with me. "I can take you out to lunch. Or a movie if you want." It wasn't much, but at least I could do that for her. It had already been cleared with Matilda previously that if Sally wanted to go with me, she could.
Sally nodded and wrapped her arms around herself. "Group home then?"
Matilda smiled gently at her. "Yes. Until we find a nice family to place you in."
"One who will understand and won't push you into doing things," I added on.
"Are we done for today?" Sally asked me.
We still had some time, but if she wanted to leave, I wouldn't try to force her to stay. "We can be. Would you like to go out for lunch tomorrow?"
"Tacos? I'll only go if you promise me tacos."
That was a pretty fair deal to me. "Sure. We can have tacos."
Sally got off the couch and left with Matilda. I thought about her, and tried to come up with a solution for her without any luck, for the rest of the day.
Chapter Five
Alex
When I saw Trin again, I expected it to be while we were on another date. I did not expect to see them sitting there on the street corner across from a little girl. They both had plates of tacos in front of them. I wasn't sure who the child was, and if it would be strange if I stopped by to say hi to the two of them, but I didn't want Trin to see me and think that I was avoiding them by not coming over to say hi either.
The little girl saw me first, and she frowned at me as I crossed the street toward them. Trin turned and looked over their shoulder at me. I got a wave from Trin. The little girl on the other hand was down to full out glaring in my direction. I wondered what it was about me that upset her so easily.
Trin pushed out a chair for me. "I can't stay long," I explained. I was just running an errand for Trinity House and Kim would expect me back any minute now.
Trin smiled at me. "That's okay. We were nearly done anyway. Alex, this is Sally. Alex is my friend from when I was in a homeless shelter as a teenager. Sally, however you want to introduce yourself to him is fine. I won't tell him anything more than what you say to him now."
"Hi," I said to her.
"Trin's my therapist," Sally quietly explained. "I'm working through stuff. Is he who you want me to go live with?"
Trin shook their head. "Not at all. He's just a friend. You will have plenty of time to meet foster families when you're ready."
I thought that might be the end of it, but Sally turned on me. "Do you have any extra bedrooms? Trin says that I can't live with them because they don't have an extra bedroom, but if you did, then Trin could live with you because they're approved, and then I could live there too, and then I wouldn't need a new foster family."
Sighing, Trin gave me a weak smile. "I'm sorry. She's going through a transition right now." Trin turned their attention back to Sally. "I know you want to live with me, but asking a complete stranger if we can both move in with him is a bit much, even for you. And I know how out there you can be sometimes."
Sally instantly looked disappointed, and I was sure I should be going. "Trin, can I call you later?"
They nodded to me, but they were still looking at Sally, who was now only playing with her food.
"I need to get going back to the shelter," I explained as I started to get up.
Trin turned to me and gave my hand a squeeze. "Of course. I'm glad we ran into you."
"Me too."
Sally still looked pitiful as I walked away, but I could hear her talking again when I was a few feet beyond her, so hopefully I hadn't disappointed her too badly.
*~*~*
I texted Trin that evening. Would you like to have dinner?
Yes. I'm off at seven, they replied a few minutes later.
Can I pick you up at eight?
Sure.
See you then.
With my next date with Trin set up, I went back to work, which meant working on my third pan of meatloaf to make sure I fed everyone. We were at full capacity and even had a few overflow kids who would be going to another shelter to spend the night They were all good kids; if I didn't look into their eyes, I might have been able to pretend that they were all just normal happy kids in an after-school care program waiting for their parents to get off work. But I did look at them, and I couldn't ignore their pain.
Most of them missed their families. Even if their families had been horrible to them; even if they'd thrown them out, they still missed them. There was some ingrained rule about having to love parents that most of the kids around me still followed. I didn't follow that logic. If their parents had hurt them or had kicked them out, if they'd ever made one of the kids feel scared or neglected, then no, I didn't think that the parent still deserved to be loved.
"What's got you smiling?" Kim asked me as she came up beside me with a tray full of fresh biscuits to go with the meatloaf.
"How resilient kids are. Listen to them; you'd never know that they've been through horrible things when they're laughing like that."
She smiled at me and started helping me get the meatloaf pans into the oven. "I think you're also remembering Trin. It wasn't too long ago that it was you two out there playing soccer in the middle of the night when they were too restless from their nightmares to be able to sleep."
Once the meatloaf pans were all in, I turned to her. I'd been avoiding asking her this; even after all these years I still wanted Kim's acceptance and support. "Do you think it's wrong of me to pursue Trin romantically?"
Kim took my hand and brought me over to one of the many dining room tables. Kids were coloring or playing board games nearby, and they ignored us for the most part too. We were boring old adults, after all.
"Do you think it is?"
I shrugged. I had no idea. "I knew Trin when they were Socks. When Socks was fourteen and clutching a Chinese takeout box to their chest. I can't help feeling like I shouldn't be doing this when I think about how I met them. I don't know what happened in their life, but I don't want to be someone older who takes advantage of them in case that's already happened to them before."
Kim snorted then laughed a little. "I may not have met Trin, but I do remember Socks, and they would not have let you run over them at all. It would have been the other way around. I was worried about you there for a while when Socks first came here. You've seen how some of them can manipulate. I was worried that Socks was doing that with you sometimes when I would see you two having fun together or laughing together. But now I know that's not the case. Socks genuinely loved you. It wasn't romantic, I don't think, but Socks absolutely cared about you. I think you were the only person they really cared about in here."
I hung my head. "Sometimes I thought of them as being my best friend. They were so much younger than me, and no one would have understood, but hanging out with Socks was like being with a best friend. They got everything I was saying. Sometimes, when I wasn't feeling well and I was considering calling out, I used to come in just to see them because I knew it would make my night better to be around them."
Kim reached across the table to pat my hand. "You sound like a man in love."
Maybe she was right. And that terrified me. "Then I was in love with a child." I couldn't be that perso
n. I absolutely could not be. I would hate myself if that were true.
Kim tsked at me. "No, you're not listening. When you talk about Trin now, that's when you sound like you're in love. With Trin. I saw you with Socks. I knew you two were close friends. But I never once questioned how things were between you. Not until you refused to let them stay with you when they were old enough to leave here. I admire you for that decision. You both had to grow before you could begin a real relationship together. Don't you dare let the fact that you knew Socks when they were fourteen keep you from whatever you can have with Trin now. It wasn't the right time for you two back then, but now I think it is. Don't mess this up."
I laughed and laid my head down over my arms. "Thank you. I needed to hear that. Maybe I even needed to be given permission to see them again."
Kim rolled her eyes at me. "Well, then, you have it. You both deserve to be happy, and I hope you can find that happiness together. Fall in love with Trin. Don't be afraid to love them. I know your last relationship went horribly, but he never deserved you anyway. Trin does. Be your best self with them and I think everything will work out just fine."
"You sound like a dating column advice person. Maybe you should take up a job at the paper," I teased her.
She flicked the back of my head with her nail as she walked around me. "Maybe I will," she said as I rubbed the back of my head.
*~*~*
When I knocked on Trin's door that night, the person who I figured had to be Andy opened it. He was in a bra and shorts. After he looked me up and down, he grinned at me. "Trin did say you were cute. I'm Andy, their roommate." He turned sideways. "Trin! Date's here!"
"It's not eight yet!" Trin called down.
I checked my phone to make sure I wasn't ridiculously early. I was actually a few minutes late, which was rare for me recently.
Andy shrugged and turned back to me. "Want to come in?"
"Sure. If that's okay."
"I don't mind." He walked away, leaving the door open.
I came in and closed the door behind me. There was a bookshelf in the living room, which I went to, while Andy sat down on the couch and watched a show about early American medical practices. A white cat lay on the couch beside him.
Outside the Lines Page 6