"Do you know that they probably would have lobotomized people like us?" Andy asked me.
I looked back at him. "I do. It's horrible."
"What sex do you think Trin is?"
Since Andy apparently wanted to talk, I came over and sat down next to him. The cat gave me a baleful glare. "I actually don't care one way or the other."
"Because you're bi and whatever you find down there is okay?"
I smiled as I heard Trin start to come downstairs. "No. Because I care about Trin, not whatever genitals they have. If we ever get to that point, I'll be happy with what they have because it's attached to them. It has nothing to do with what I am."
Trin came into the living room and smiled at us both. They were wearing a long maxi skirt and a cardigan over a tank top. It was a great combination that made them look especially pretty with their hair down around their shoulders. "What are you two talking about?"
"Alex having sex with you."
I wanted to punch him, especially when I saw how embarrassed Trin was as they blushed and looked away from us, but then Andy just laughed and I realized he was trying to get a reaction out of us, or maybe just me. Maybe this was how they were. I decided to play along, a bit. "It's true. He was asking me if I would care about what you have one way or the other."
"And would you?" Trin asked me.
I got off the couch to go to them. "Not at all." I kissed Trin on their cheek and waved to Andy. He gave me a thumbs up. "Are you ready?"
Trin nodded. "I just need to grab my purse." They went to the hall closet and I saw a small collection of purses there. They chose a light blue one. It went with the blue flowers in their cardigan. "Now I'm ready. Andy, don't burn the house down."
He laughed. "Sure thing. Have a nice time. Text if you're not coming back home tonight so I know not to call the cops and the hospitals."
"He's not actually serious about that, is he?" I asked Trin when we were walking to my car.
Trin nodded, but waited until they were tucked into the front seat of my car to really answer me. "When you don't play by gender norms, sometimes the world can be a dangerous and scary place. We've both been harassed at one time or another. Unfortunately, it's par for the course of life when you're not absolutely cisgender."
I frowned and reached over to take their hand. "I know I asked you this before, but are you sure that you're safe here?" It had seemed like a quiet little neighborhood.
Trin looked over at me and smiled. "I am. And even if I wasn't, I wouldn't move without Andy, and he absolutely loves it here. Most days. There will always be people who want to cause issues. You know how this world is not often a safe place for trans people.”
“I worry about you being out here.”
Trin nodded. "I'm not trans. I'm not male or female. Sometimes I think I might want to feel more stereotypically feminine or masculine, but there is no strong force within me that says I am a man and these are my reasons why, or one that says I am a woman and this is why. I'm wearing women's clothing tonight not because I feel like a woman but because I wanted to be pretty and they make me feel pretty. And I thought it would be easier if we went out with me looking like a woman."
Everything else that they had said got pushed aside with that last statement. "You chose what you're wearing because of how people would have treated us?"
Trin gave me a shy little smile. "I'm used to the stares and the questions. I have kids come up to me all the time and ask me if I'm a boy or a girl. I've gotten comfortable with my life. You're just entering it. I wanted to give you time to come into it before that often uncomfortable attention also moved to include you in it."
"If you were just going out with Andy, would you have worn this?"
"Andy and I get more take out than anything, but I probably still would have. I think I look nice, and I like looking nice, regardless of where I'm going or who I'm with."
I ran my thumb over the backs of their knuckles. "I want you to be yourself around me, regardless of what may happen. If we get harassed, if people look at us weird, if something happens, then that's because they're the ones with the problem, not us. I don't want to date the watered down version of you. I want the you that cares about little kids and their roommate and somehow me. I want the Trin that I used to play soccer with at three in the morning."
They were blushing heavily. "You played soccer with Socks."
"I played soccer with you," I corrected us both. "Will you show me who you are as Trin? No matter what?"
Trin leaned over and kissed me on my cheek. "Yes. I will."
I closed the distance between us in my small car and gave them a soft kiss. When I pulled away Trin was smiling at me. "I loved you when I was eighteen," Trin quietly said. "I don't think that has changed at all for me now."
I felt lighter somehow knowing that they cared that much about me. "I still love you too."
Trin stared at me for a while, then quickly looked away. "Then what does that mean for us now?"
"I'd like it to mean that we go on dates, like dinner tonight, and we get to know each other again."
Trin was quiet for a while, and I didn't interrupt them as they thought and we sat there in my car with people driving down the street beside us. "What if we got take out and had it at your place?" they offered. My original plan had been to take Trin out to a nice restaurant and an expensive dinner to show them how much I cared about them and wanted them in my life.
"Thai okay? There's a place on my way home."
Trin leaned their head against my shoulder. "Thai would be fantastic. Do they have wontons?"
"Yes. And with real crab in them too."
Trin laughed. "That sounds perfect."
*~*~*
Half an hour later, we had our food in hand and were driving up to my house. I let Trin inside and watched them curiously as they looked around my space. My furniture was sparse and I kept my house clean. I was transitioning too. Maybe as much as their friend Sally was.
I put the food on the dining room table while I waited for Trin to finish their inspection. When they were done, they joined me and draped their cardigan over the back of the chair. "Thank you for letting us eat in tonight. I was going to ask if you were perhaps anticipating bringing me back here tonight after dinner for maybe a drink, but I have the sneaking suspicion that you always keep your house this clean."
"You'd be right. I am always this neat here. But I also did want to bring you back here when dinner was over."
Trin lifted their eyebrows at me so I explained, "I thought maybe we could watch a movie."
Trin's disbelieving expression slowly gave way to one of happiness. "I'm starting to believe that you really do want to wait and you're not just curious about what's under my skirt. I've met that type of guy before."
I put out some plates and silverware for us. "I hope you kicked him."
"No, but I wish I had," Trin said with a snicker. "You really wouldn't be disappointed if I had one part over another?"
I sat back down across from them and wished that I knew how to tell them what I was feeling. I tried to say it as plainly as possible, so that there would be no room for misinterpretation. "I love you. I don't care what you have. I don't care what you were born as. If we ever do have sex, it'll be on your terms and how you want to have it. I'm not extremely experienced sexually, and I'll admit that there is plenty that I have not tried before, but whatever you want to do, whatever you're into, I'm sure we can figure it out together."
Trin reached across the table to me, and I took their hand. Though it was sometimes awkward, and it left us being a bit clumsy with our food, we held hands like that all throughout dinner.
Once we were full, and the table had been cleaned up, Trin rose and I came with them. They took me over to the couch and, once I was sitting, they knelt down beside me. "What you said, that meant a lot to me. We haven't been reconnected long at all, but I feel like maybe that doesn't matter. Not when you're who I've been wanting for years."
I slid my hands under the back of their shirt and around their ribs. Their belly was flat and I teased my fingers over their smooth skin. Trin never pulled away or stopped kissing me, even as I slid my thumbs over their hard nipples.
Their kisses became more insistent as I played. They made soft cries, bringing my own pleasure higher, as I listened to theirs. They gripped my shirt, balling it into their fists as if they weren't sure what to do with my clothes.
I pulled away first, but kept my hands firmly on them. "Can I take you upstairs?"
Trin nodded and silently slid off my lap. They swayed and I held them close beside me as we made our way up the stairs and to my bedroom.
"How do you normally…?"
"There is no normally here," I said as I took their hand and led them over to the bed where I sat down beside them.
"Because I have no gender?"
I smiled and laid them back across the bed with me. "No, because you're you. Nothing is normal about this or how I feel about you."
I kissed Trin while they blushed, and I took their hands in mine when they seemed to have no idea what to do with them. I leaned over them and pressed them into the bed with my hips. Trin moaned softly against my lips, and I did it again and again as they moved against me. We still had our clothes on, but it was the most intimate that I'd ever been with another person. Everything about Trin was mine, and I was theirs. I let go of them only long enough to get my shirt off. They helped me with my pants.
I wanted their clothes off as well, but Trin wanted to give me some attention first. I didn't mind as I sat there next to them, and they ran their hands over my length. "It'll be okay," I said, as I realized they might be nervous.
Trin smiled up at me. "It's you. It's going to be perfect."
They let go of me after that, and they removed their top and then their skirt. They were bare under both, and we sat there on the bed for a while just looking at each other and gently running our fingers over each other's chests and thighs.
"Are you okay with what I am?" Trin asked me. There was still so much fear in their voice. I wanted to banish it completely.
"I am. Absolutely."
Trin smiled at me and lay back across the bed. I moved over them and for a while we just kissed and rubbed ourselves together. We were in no rush.
"I'm a virgin," Trin whispered as I moved between their legs. "In case you were wondering."
I hadn't been. Not really. I'd known that something had happened to them, as a child, but I didn't know anything more than that. "I'll go slow."
Trin nodded and closed their eyes. I kissed their eyelids, then their cheeks. I kissed their lips as gently as I could, and I trailed little kisses over their throat.
Being with Trin, for me, was all about being tender and slow. I kissed them as often as I could, and I loved when their gaze met mine when I was inside of them, and I knew we were connected so intimately that a part of them would always be with me.
When I came, I was kissing them. And when they were done, I held them tightly. They had to send a text off to Andy, since it was already late and he would worry, but after that Trin was mine again, and I held them the whole night.
Chapter Six
Trin
I had expected some kind of epiphany the first time I had sex. And I'd gotten one too. But not in the earth-shattering-lightning-bolt kind of way I had expected there to be. This was the slow realization that there was far more out there in the world of pleasure than I'd ever thought possible.
Alex was still asleep as I got up and showered. I needed to get to work soon, and I was sure that he did too. When I was finished drying off, I hesitated with the towel. I didn't have to hide who I was from Alex. He was the one person who had seen me absolutely naked, and he hadn't cared one way or the other. He hadn't been disappointed at all. I wasn't sure how I managed to get so lucky, but I knew that I was.
When I came back out of the bathroom, Alex was sitting up in bed. I'd chosen not to take the towel out with me. "Hey," I said.
He smiled at me. "Good morning."
I felt his gaze follow me around his bedroom while I gathered up my things, but there was no lingering hunger or need that I felt from him. I was naked and I wasn't sure if he still wanted me. "Is everything okay?" I asked him.
He nodded and yawned. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"You don't regret last night?"
Alex looked from me, then to the side of the bed where I'd slept, then back to me. He cocked his head to the side. "Do you think I don't want you anymore?"
I smirked at him. "I'm naked and you're not tossing me onto the bed."
He grabbed my wrist and brought me down beside him. There was actually a bit of tossing, and then him pinning me down, and I thought we were going to have sex again. But then he tickled me. And he kept tickling me as I squirmed beneath him and laughed so loudly that I thought his neighbors could hear us.
Then, as abruptly as he'd started, he stopped. He leaned over me and he kissed me. "I do want you. Absolutely I do. But I also need to get to work, and I don't jump people and toss them anywhere. This morning I was going to ask you how you wanted to proceed after last night and make sure that you were okay with everything that we did."
I reached up and touched his cheek, and then his lips. He kissed my fingertips. "Why are you so worried about that?"
He sat back on the bed, giving me some room. "Because I don't know what was done to you and I don't want to trigger something or re-traumatize you in some way."
I got it. I sat up too. Then I pulled my knees up to my chest. I hadn't wanted to think about it either. It had been so easy not to. "Up until last night, I was a virgin in every sense of the word."
He nodded. "You don't have to talk about this right now."
Maybe I should have brought it up though before now. "But when I was a child, my dad used to let his friend babysit me. He liked kids but had never had any. He had dogs and rabbits and all kinds of other animals that I couldn't have, and my dad thought it would be good for me to be around them. So since this friend worked nights and my dad worked days sometimes, he'd watch me. He'd pick me up from school and take me back to his place." I shut my mouth.
"You don't have to do this," Alex said.
I tried to smile, but it broke apart before I could fully move my lips. "I know I don't. Thank you." But part of me wanted him to know. Part of me needed to have him know my secrets. "He…Um…” I shook my head. This was so hard and I suddenly had a lot more respect for the kids I talked to who could tell a complete stranger about what had happened to them. I sighed before I continued. “He used to take pictures of me." I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see Alex's face right now. "They were fine at first. But then they weren't. He told me what a good kid I was as I held still and let him take them. I didn't want to after a while, when he started wanting to take pictures of me with my clothes off, but he wouldn't let me play with the rabbits otherwise."
"How old were you when it started?" Alex's voice was soft and calm.
"Six. I was in first grade." I took a shaky breath. "As things progressed. As he started getting bolder. He would take his clothes off too when he would take pictures of me. Sometimes he touched himself while he was taking pictures. I didn't say anything."
"You wanted to play with the rabbits."
I nodded. And I didn't want my dad to be mad at me. "My dad used to tell me that he didn't have time for my things. And sometimes not even for me. His friend did, and by not saying anything I wasn't a burden on my dad. I let it continue." I wiped at my tears.
"You were a child," Alex tri
ed to argue with me.
"I knew better."
"When did it stop?"
I shook my head. I wasn't sure if I could go there. But I needed to. I'd started and I needed to finish this. "He…Toward the end, he would take pictures with the two of us together without our clothes on. He'd kiss my cheek and have me sit on his lap. He'd tell me how much he liked having me come over. How it was his favorite part of the day. He'd kiss my cheek while he touched himself. He'd tell me how wonderful I was. How good I was. Then he'd let me get dressed and go play with the rabbits in his back yard until my dad came and got me. I was eleven when I finally told my dad. And I only did that because his friend had started touching me more and more. It was no longer enough that I got to play with the rabbits. They weren't worth what he wanted from me."
"What did your dad say?"
Alex looked miserable when I glanced up at him. "That I was making it all up and that his friend was a good man and how dare I say something so disgusting about him. Nothing changed. Only my dad had talked to his friend, and since my dad didn't believe me, his friend stopped being so nice to me. He was never rough with me, but he stopped telling me how good I was. I didn't get time with the rabbits anymore. He would pick me up, he would take me to his home, he would take off my clothes, and then he would do whatever he wanted to me until my dad came and got me. Mostly he watched me while he got off. I didn't tell my dad again."
"What made you leave finally?"
I knew Alex could probably guess. Telling Alex about my past was getting easier the more I said, as if I needed to finally tell someone everything that had happened. "Touching me wasn't enough for him anymore. He wanted sex."
"He wanted to rape you," Alex corrected me.
I nodded. "So I left."
"And then somewhere between you leaving home and me finding you, somehow you survived on the streets."
"I did." I looked up at him again. "Are you okay? You look a little sick."
Outside the Lines Page 7